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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make daughter pay for dinner when out

108 replies

usernamechangeA · 02/10/2018 17:31

Hi my eldest is 19 and we went on a day out on Sunday, we both bought our own theatre tickets and then she bought dinner. I said if she wanted to go for a meal she would need to pay as I can't afford it. Was that unreasonable my friend keeps digging at me that she could never let her teenager pay

OP posts:

Potato2242 · 02/10/2018 17:32

I'd have said half and half, or if you can't afford it don't eat

Original poster

usernamechangeA · 02/10/2018 17:33

I couldn't really afford to then pay another £25 for half and half for the dinner and I said if we eat out you'll need to pay and she said ok

OP posts:

Neverender · 02/10/2018 17:33

You were clear you couldn't afford it and it was her choice? If so, YANBU at all and she made a free choice.

AuntBeastie · 02/10/2018 17:34

If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it! It’s up to your DD to pay for herself if she wants to eat out under the circumstances. I’m sure you would love to treat her if money wasn’t an object.

gamerchick · 02/10/2018 17:34

So you paid for your own tickets but expected her to feed you both?

I dont think I could have done that. If I was that skint I would have taken food or cooked when I got home.

Whisky2014 · 02/10/2018 17:34

Ive never paid a meal for my parents yet and im 31! I think ywbu but if she was happy to pay then fair enough. How come a teen can afford it but the parents cant though? Thats quite unusual!

IStandWithPosie · 02/10/2018 17:34

I don’t see a problem at all. I assume she works so no reason why she can’t treat her mum to dinner.

Original poster

usernamechangeA · 02/10/2018 17:36

The reason she can is because we house her and she has a part time job while studying so doesn't need to buy anything but we obviously still pay for her stuff while she's at home

I didn't expect her to buy dinner and said we can eat before we go but she said well it would be nice to have a meal

OP posts:

FissionChips · 02/10/2018 17:36

At 19 I had a lot more disposable income than my parents, I often paid for meals etc for them as they couldn’t afford it. I’ve never had any bad feelings about it.

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/10/2018 17:36

YANBU, she's an adult and it's fine for her to treat you.
My 17yr old treated me to takeaway the other week.

MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 17:36

She's only nineteen, if you'd bought the tickets I think it's fair for her to treat dinner. But she's ended up paying for everything barring your ticket. Do you ever treat her to dinner?
I'm in my thirties now and since my twenties, earning a decent wage, living away from home I've liked to treat my parents to meals etc (with a fair amount of resistance from them), but you essentially gave her no option, where else would you have eaten?

ErrolTheDragon · 02/10/2018 17:37

If you couldn't afford it but she could and was happy to pay for it then YANBU.
But maybe YABU to mention it to your 'friend'!

mindutopia · 02/10/2018 17:37

That’s fine if you are honest with her. I’m 38 and my mum still insists on buying every time we go out. She has the means and has weird hang ups about not paying for people (she pays for friends, everyone), but you can’t and were upfront about that so, of course, it’s fine.

bridgetreilly · 02/10/2018 17:38

I think if she has more disposable income than you, you could be charging her rent, so that you can both afford dinner out!

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 17:40

Sounds like you treat her to dinner every night, OP, it's nice that she treated you for a change.

PositivelyPERF · 02/10/2018 17:41

I think if she was her idea to go out for a meal and she happy enough to pay for it, then it’s a none issue. You said you could eat before going out and she preferred to buy dinner, so I think you’ve brought up a lovely daughter.

FinallyFree123456789 · 02/10/2018 17:43

I always took my mum our for lunch / dinner when we did things together - because I had more money than she did.

Even now I treat my mum to spa days etc as she helps me with childcare.
She offered, I'm sure she doesn't mind treating her mum - I certainly didn't and still don't :-)

owabno · 02/10/2018 17:47

You and your DD were happy with the arrangement but a friend opinion is bothering you?

Weird that you even tell your friend who pays for what, but even weirder that she thinks she has the right to comment on your arrangements.

theworldistoosmall · 02/10/2018 17:47

You didn't make her pay. You told her in the beginning that it wasn't something you could afford to do and she made an informed choice.
Mine took me out for dinner from around 17 when they started working. Why? Because they wanted to treat me. Saying no and insisting on paying doesn't work as they just transfer the cash anyway.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/10/2018 17:48

DP often meets his dad for lunch, and the first time he could afford to pay for them he really loved being able to treat his dad.

DFIL had no expectations and was really surprised at being treated.

Think it was sweet of your dd to treat you both. You told her you couldn’t afford to eat out and suggested a free (for her) alternative. She chose to treat you.

You sound like you have a lovely relationship.

Rebecca36 · 02/10/2018 17:48

Husband adult son and I often go out for a meal and we take it in turns to pay. Easier that way. At 19 I probably wouldn't have expected him to pay, he never had any money :-). Now he does and likes to pay so no problem. Exceptions are for birthdays, or special occasions involving one of us of course.

When he gets back from USA it will be around his birthday and of course either me or husband will pay for his meal, somewhere good. Then back to taking it in turns.

However you were not unreasonable to suggest each pay for own meal when you went out with your daughter. I doubt she minded, can be a very expensive business eating out & theatre. She probably knows your financial constraints as you know hers so it was fair.

AmateurSwami · 02/10/2018 17:49

Absolutely fine, if she was happy to treat you then why not? I definitely took my mum out at that age.

listsandbudgets · 02/10/2018 17:51

YANBU. Just make sure she doesn't always pay and it will even out.

TO PP who saod they were 31 and never bought their mum a meal, try it. It's a lovely feeling. I still remember the first meal I bought rather than cooked for my mum. Not expensive just a fixed menu but we both still talk about it sometimes 20 yearslater

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 02/10/2018 17:52

I definitely treated my parents at that age. It was lovely to give them something back. I still love doing it.

Havaina · 02/10/2018 17:56

You've raised a lovely young woman, be proud! Let her treat you now and again, she's learning to be an adult, and adults give and take.

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