To make daughter pay for dinner when out

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Hi my eldest is 19 and we went on a day out on Sunday, we both bought our own theatre tickets and then she bought dinner. I said if she wanted to go for a meal she would need to pay as I can't afford it. Was that unreasonable my friend keeps digging at me that she could never let her teenager pay

Total non-issue, after telling your daughter if she wanted to eat out she’d have to pay the choice was then hers? Opinions are indeed like arseholes but if I were you OP I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

What Havaina said.

YANBU. She’s an adult and she knew beforehand that you couldn’t afford it. There’s nothing wrong with treating your parents, i treat mine to meals on occasions too!

YANBU - you made the choice hers, told her why and she paid. Seems fair to me.

TBH, I can't imagine not buying both the tix and paying for dinner with a teenage child, but I think if she wanted to treat you and offered as a one off, than that's sweet. And you can pick up the tab for you both next time.

As an adult (but not so much when I was a teenager!), I would always feel uncomfortable at not taking my turn to pay or paying for my fair share, regardless of who was paying for me.

My adult DC's take me for dinner sometimes and I do the same for them. It's nice. I think if I was paying for things every single time just because I'm the parent I would get quite resentful. Irrespective of whether I can afford it or not.

You didn't make your DD pay for dinner, you explained you couldn't afford and and she chose to pay. Your friend needs to stop being so judgemental.

It is a non issue - you were clear about costs and your ability to pay. I don’t expect my children to pay and we even pay for partners but that’s our choice too.

Your friend is jealous that you have brought up a young woman who not only enjoys her mother's company but wants to take her out to dinner.

You were clear that you couldn't afford to eat out, she decided to treat you. Lovely.

Under those circumstances YWNBU!

I have an adult DD, she had two DC, a baby and a toddler, I have two DC still at home, a 13 and a 12 year old.

We quite often go out for lunch when one of us cannot afford to. Sometimes it is me, sometimes it is her. Whoever can afford to pays. It usually works out about even.

Your friend is overlooking the fact that your daughter is 19, not 9 and in all likelihood a young working adult. I always took great delight in buying my mum lunch, tea, supper (sherry ☺️) once I had a job and we went out shopping or to a show.

I would gladly buy my Mum dinner, it wouldn't be a problem.

I always pay for my mum when we go out, and have done since I was old enough to be able to do so.

She spent quite a lot of money feeding, clothing and sheltering me for 17 years: the least I can do is put my hand in my pocket for a treat every now and then.

I think it’s between you and your DD and no one else’s business.

I treat my mum to a meal all the time and have done so since eighteen (when I worked full time, paid for my own university and lodging). I even paid to treat her to a transatlantic holiday when I was 25 and she was a single mum and couldn’t even afford to go properly abroad.

How would you feel if her friends continually said they couldn't afford a night out with your DD, so she payed for them each time?

It seems like lots of people agree that you weren’t unreasonable... however, personally I think this is really strange and wouldn’t allow my daughter to pay for my food at 19! It’s lovely that you spend time together and that she wanted to treat you! I wouldn’t have accepted though to be honest.

All the people saying next time you pay seem to have missed the bit where you said you couldn't afford it. You pay for the house and the groceries which is why you don't have spare cash but she does.

Exactly the same as Sailinghappy.

But I don't understand why you told your friend, it seems a TMI thing to even mention it.

You went to the theatre and dinner - why does she need to know who paid for what?

This is a regular discussion we have in my office. There's a wide age range and I'm the only one who regularly pays or splits the bill for my parents. I would never let them pay all the time, which seems to be the consistent thing in my office - parents always pay for kids.

DD has a lot more disposable income than us as she lives rent free while working part time and getting a student loan. She buys us all presents randomly and occasionally brings home blocks of cheese and avocados as homage (rather like the cat brings me slices of bread and baby potatoes as she figured out I'm a Vege due to my reaction to the pigeons). If we eat out and she takes the piss chooses calamari as a starter and racks of ribs or steaks with cocktails, then she will pay for her own meal. She once, memorably, treated us all to a takeaway and she's paying for me to go to the cinema tomorrow cos no one else wants to see that film so she's blackmailed me.

Of course your DD can treat you if she wants. What a ridiculous friend!

YANBU, from 16 I used to treat my mother to the cinema and meals. I'm a single parent of two still lend my Dad money every other week and occasionally treat him. I never begrudge any of it , actually I've never gave it a second thought! I think if she was happy to and can afford it then you should feel really proud of her. You don't owe her anything either so don't feel bad!

My son treats me. He is a students, lives away from home but works hard and actually earns more a month than I do. I did feel bad about it at first because it felt alien to me - having spent so many years providing for him. That said, he was happy to pay as he wanted to and has grown up to appreciate things - which in turn, makes me proud

Would you have insisted on both going home after the theatre even if your DD wanted a meal out or leaving her to have a meal out on her own sailing?

I think it’s OK OP. If it was you that insisted on the meal out and then made her pay because you’d paid for the tickets it would be different, but in those circumstances it’s fine.

Totally fine, I always enjoyed being able to treat the parents.