To wonder where some people get their money from

[todaysname18]

NC in case she's on MN

Dh and I are 36, decent education level and good jobs, but we don't earn a fortune. Live in se so quite expensive area and own a little 2 bed house. I thought we were fairly average. But we have some friends, they're only 30 so a few years younger than us and I just don't understand how they have so much money. When I ask her what her dh does she just says he "works in IT" which doesn't sound particularly highly-paid but

• She's not going back to work after mat leave (genuinely no idea how anyone can afford to be a sahm nowadays)
• They live in this absolutely massive 6 bedroom house, not rented
• She drives a Mercedes, not brand new but only a few years old
• They go out to dinner at least twice a week and are always doing day trips at weekends which involve expensive meals and entry to various places, the sort of costs that quickly add up
• I don't know where her clothes are from but they certainly look expensive
• Her ds, 6 months, has SO many clothes it's unreal, I see them 3-4 times a week and I rarely see him in the same outfit twice and lots are fairly expensive brands, I've definitely seen him in a Ralph Lauren polo!
• She just bought a designer handbag...whilst on maternity pay! Who has that sort of money?

I know people will say it sounds like I'm jealous, I absolutely am! But I also just don't understand how they have this sort of money?! Do 30 year old couples regularly own million pound homes?!

(genuinely no idea how anyone can afford to be a sahm nowadays)
Decent education level? Are you sure?

Because not everyone can afford to live in the SE and afford others to care for their dc whilst they work. Some have to do it themselves and working is a dream for them, the same as all the money your friends have is to you.

So maybe, you can answer how anyone can afford to live in SE and pay for childcare, because most can't.

I heard a good expression once “never envy anyone anything until you know the size of their debts”.

It doesn't really matter as it is none of your business.

Op, I'm curious not having a dig, why do you think no one can afford to be a sahm? My DP brings home 34k before tax, pension etc plus we have about 1k a year child benefit. House prices are high here but we're doing fine and while that's a good income for our area, I don't think it's extraordinary?

The entire purpose of these threads is the OP wanting to be told that it is not their fault that they appear to have a lesser lifestyle.

If you want nice things, suit up and go and get them. Want to be a SAHM without a wealthy husband? If want it enough (or are forced into it with SN child), you will find a way. We did it and so can anyone if they are prepared to make tough choices. Stop griping and live your life.

I always say my DH ”works in IT”. I think many people imagine it to be like Roy and Moss in the basement. It isn’t, “works in IT” is pretty meaningless, it appears that he must be a high earner due to his lifestyle so I am not sure why you would think it “doesn’t sound particularly highly-paid.”

He is probably a banker and she is too ashamed to admit it.

My friend "works in IT" flies to the US business class every month owns a house outright and is 28. He sold a website business that he started for crazy money and gets head hunted by the big computer companies on a regular basis as he is a specialist.

It's none of my business what he earns and neither do I care. Life is much happier when you don't try to keep up with the Jones or compare your life to others!

I'm 36 and live a similar lifestyle at the moment to that couple. I think people think we are very wealthy these days, just from comments I've had. DH made a few good decisions with property about 5 years ago, and it changed our lifestyle. He is a builder though so he's in that sector but we borrowed everything and took a massive financial risk to start the ball rolling. I have a pretty good monthly salary and pay for food and kids stuff and a couple of bills. He pays the rest.

I am not used to having disposable income, so still shop at Aldi, buy kids bundles of clothes, shop in charity shops and bargain hunt. I tend not to waste money even though we have more now.

That person you are talking about- her husband could have a very well paid job in IT. Remember though money doesn't always bring happiness I've had times where I have been so miserable (severe depression) and money or not has made no difference.

He is probably a banker and she is too ashamed to admit it

DH works in IT (in the vaguest definition of his job) and has done for decades now. Yes, it can be a high paying field. DH has spend most of his career in the £100-200K/yr bracket which is not particularly high flying.
We've got a pretty modest lifestyle compared to a lot of his colleagues (although very financially stable). Yes, some of them take on a lot of debt to life that lifestyle but what allows to take that risk is their family background - they KNOW they will be inheriting significant sums/parents still give handouts. We are far removed from that league - we've had the exact opposite of financial help from both sets of our parents and any inheritances will be relatively small.

Yes! I wonder this too OP. I'm professional, and have a job I love, but it's not that highly paid - but fine for me. Ex is better paid but not 6 figures or anything. I always wondered how friends I knew were earning significantly less (because I knew they were e.g. a teacher or junior academic) always seemed to be able to afford a much bigger house than us, amazing foreign trips, or for one of them to be a SAHP (or all of these).

I have a few other friends who are SAHMs and always talk about it in this lovely optional way "oh it's so nice to be an SAHM... I just knew I couldn't go back to work after having the DC... but I might do a course in interior decoration" and I'm always sitting there looking at their big house, 2 cars and fancy holidays thinking "Blimey HOW much does he earn???" Their DHs generally work in IT, finance, utilities or something technical. They must be on at least 200K.

With lower earners it must be money from their families.

I don't think there's anything wrong with finding it remarkable and wondering about it. I'm not really jealous of lots of wealth, and also I like work and don't want to stop and would never have liked to be an SAHM, but I'm still allowed to find it really intriguing.

I think part of it is that so many people are desperately poor, really struggling, no job security, increasing homelessness etc. And yet there are also a LOT of people who are not super-rich, but seem to have money sloshing about all over.

There is a huge salary disparity in 'professional' jobs, which people may not entirely realise.

So people with similar degrees could end up earning £30k or all the way up to £200k (without having to be the CEO) depending on the area they go into/niche specialisms/sheer luck.

Or owns an estate agency

not !

My parents died when i was young and left me enough money to own our house outright and to be able to live on one wage with just DH working so i can be at home with my preschool kids. I know alot of people who dont know us well wonder how this is possible as DH has an average job and those who do know our situation tell me all the time how lucky i am. And in some aspects i agree as i a love being a sahm but it also has far too many many downsides to list here. Overall i think id much rather have my mum and dad still here. You never really know other peoples situations and even though my parents have been gone some 20 years now missing them is still a daily struggle that owning a house doesnt always make up for. Also pre kids i had a decent job and always saved as much of my wages as poss .... again made possible by my parents death!

I think you're probably quite naive about IT jobs. My 30 year old little brothers make 250k a year working in IT. Mostly he tells people that because a)they have no bloody idea what he's talking about if it tries to explain it and b) generally whatever he's working on has him signing an NDA as he's developing some sort of new product. He also gets shares and huge bonuses. Everyone is free to make money as they wish providing it's not super shady. Rather than being jealous could you actually be proactive and look for better jobs yourselves? It sounds like rather than doing something you've just presumed they're up to no good.

Envy is the thief of joy, don't wish for what others have as you'll do yourself no favours, so long as you are happy and have a roof over your head you have a much more than an awful lot of folks. Sometimes people have a lot of dosh and like to tell the world about it but are they happy and contented with their lives.

These people are your “friends” but you are speculating very specifically about their finances and lifestyle on a public internet site?

I don’t think you should feel badly about your financial situation, I think you should feel badly about how good a friend you are.

If your “friend” recognised herself she’s going to be incredibly hurt.

I’m quite embarrassed on your behalf.

DH and I probably earn about £60k between us so pretty little by MN standards. I work p-t.

We have a 4 bed house in a nice area with a small mortgage. However we live in the Midlands so this helps.

How did we do this? DM died, Ddad downsized and gave us an early inheritance. They got on the property ladder in the 1970s again with inheritance and saw their property values rocket (London). Able to upsize with more inheritances.

We're about to clear our mortgage. We'll have lots of disposable income. Ddad died earlier this year.

I'd rather have parents. I'd rather have had grandparents who lived into proper old age.

Yes, I'm bitter.

@Lovemusic33 simply studying IT/computer science even at degree level doesn't guarantee you a high paying job. It is the things you do around the degree while at university which help you get a decent job plus being willing to move areas. I've met many graduates doing menial jobs who have computer science degrees and talking to a few of them they did SFA socially while at university. The only thing currently that can help your daughter but is also a hindrance depending on the company is being female. (Many women I've worked with are Maths graduates.)

Btw I work in IT and so do various members of my family, friends and acquaintances. It is interesting to know who roughly earns what, their route in and what they actually do.

Someone in IT could be providing in house IT support for a public sector organisation in which case they'll be on an average salary but with a better work life balance probably.

Also the whole IT field is pretty confusing to most people. If I try and explain what DH does people are a bit "erm, what?". He works in networking but most people know very little about how the internet actually works. So now I say he works in IT and most people ask "oh can he fix my laptop/printer" - err no, no he can't .

My NCT group used to often meet at the home of a member who was just turned 30 and lived in a huge house with very expensive everything. Her DH was never around when we met and she always told people her DH worked in HR in an office nearby. I recognised him from the family photos on display and actually he was one of the top level directors of the large business that I worked for. They did have a local office, and HR was one of the areas that he had responsibility for so she wasn't lying but clearly wanted to downplay his job. Maybe your friend is doing the same?

I think losing a parent or parents young will always come at a price much higher than any money can compensate for. My mum died when I was four and my dad when I was a young adult. I inherited £7K when my dad died (he had a mortgage free house when mum died but managed to lose pretty much all of it in a few years due to a failed business) - it enabled me to get through university (with student loans and a PT job) without real hardship (like I would have reasonably expected if they were alive).