Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF wants to get married without my children being there **Thread title edited at OP's request**

125 replies

DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 19:43

I've been with my partner for over 2 years and have 2 children, 7 and 10 from a previous marriage. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is now 6.
My partners exgf doesn't know about me and she makes it difficult for my partner to see his daughter. They live in another country and he currently see's her maybe 5-6 times a year.

My partner lives with me and my children and has done so for 9 months. They get on great and all is well.

We are now talking about getting married ourselves, however, he has stated he wants a simple registry wedding for now and doesn't want any of the children present. His plan is to have a ceremony years later, when his daughter and exgf know about me and my children.

I'm not happy with this at all and want my kids there; I don't feel I can get married without them and turn up one day and simply say it's been done. They obviously know my partner and see us as a family.

My partner is worried about his exgf hearing he has moved on and stopping contact with his daughter further and doesn't want his daughter to feel like he's abandoned them in favour of me and my kids.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 20:23

Anyone?

OP posts:
Bambamber · 30/09/2018 20:25

YANBU have all the children there, even if that means waiting until the situation is sorted

calamariandporridge · 30/09/2018 20:27

I got married in a registry office without my kids (8 months and 2.5yrs). Absolutely the right choice! Mine were at home with a nanny for the weekend, nice to have a break to be honest.

Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 20:29

Calamari, I understand... but my kids are older at 7 and 10 and I feel the 10 year old in particular would feel left out.
She is old enough to understand and know what's going on and I feel she wouldn't even dream I would consider getting married without her, no matter how small the wedding.

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 30/09/2018 20:29

Honestly I couldn't marry someone without his child knowing I exist.
I understand waiting til his ready to tell the ex and his daughter but I wouldn't be willing to take such a serious step without them knowing about you.

Would you be happy him taking off his ring every time he goes to visit them.

Alpacanorange · 30/09/2018 20:32

I couldn’t get married in your circumstances. It’s very shitty to marry without your children present at the ages they are. H ibvu. He needs a proper discussion with his ex before saying I do.

Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 20:32

Handsfull, she knows I exist, but doesn't know who I am to him.
There is also a language barrier between him and her. But yes, the point about him taking his ring off is one I actually hadn't thought about Hmm

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 30/09/2018 20:34

So does he always go abroad when he sees his DD? She never comes here? And is he planning on waiting til she is grown up before he tells her and the ex? I don't think I'd be happy with that. It feels like you're his dirty little secret.

Whatsthisbear · 30/09/2018 20:36

do not exclude your children, he doesn’t really sound step parent material if he isn’t prepared to include them in the day he marries into your family Confused

Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 20:36

Alpaca, I agree... and even if we did have a 'proper' ceremony later, I don't feel comfortable about how my 10 year old would feel as she got older.

My BF thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and is accusing me of totally making him lose his daughter. I'm not, I support him in seeing her and actually pay his flights and visits to her.

OP posts:
anotherangel2 · 30/09/2018 20:38

His child speaks another language? Has he tried to learn this language?

Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 20:40

Single, yes he only goes abroad to see her. She hasn't been to visit him here- mostly due to the difficult nature of his exgf.

There is an extension to this story; he 'technically' only broke up with her a year ago. They lived in different countries, and was hoping to get his name on his daughters birth certificate. That never happened and so he is in a precarious situation with losing complete contact with his daughter.

He is worried his ex, on finding out about me and my kids will stop all little contact with his daughter and that his daughter will feel 'abandoned'.

OP posts:
Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 20:41

Another, the child speaks only Dutch and the mother will not speak English to her, the little English she knows is through cartoons.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 30/09/2018 20:42

Your DC would, I imagine, be very upset to find the wedding had gone ahead without them. He's essentially saying his daughter, who he sees a handful of times a year, is more important than your children.

Doyoumind · 30/09/2018 20:44

Cross post. Sounds like a difficult situation but I can't believe there isn't a legal solution to his problem.

Amanduh · 30/09/2018 20:44

Not in a million years would I marry without my kids knowing.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2018 20:48

Sounds dodgy as fuck.

You've been a couple for 2 years, yet he only officially spilt from his DC mother a year ago.

Urm that makes you the OW? Confused

Crunchymum · 30/09/2018 20:49

How does his 6 year old not speak any English? Has he been absent for 6 years? How comes they only officially split a year ago?

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2018 20:49

Has he actually broken up with her? Call me a cynic...

And even if everything he said is true, I’d not be living with someone in this situation let alone contemplating marriage. It’s got way too much shit-storm potential.

Why do you pay for his flights?

Corcra · 30/09/2018 20:50

You’re in a tricky situation. I feel for both of you. Personally I would only get married with my children there to celebrate with us. In your circumstance, I think I’d wait. I hope it all works out.

Thatstheendofmytether · 30/09/2018 20:50

I really can't understand what difference it makes to him of your children are there. Why does he think them nor be I g there will keep it anymore of a secret? I would be marrying someone who was trying to keep me and my kids a secret!

Thatstheendofmytether · 30/09/2018 20:52

Are you sure they are separated?

oldsockeater · 30/09/2018 20:53

This situation sounds very odd. Has he not learned Dutch during 6 years so that he can speak to his child? Also if they are in the Netherlands surely they have courts and he can get access that way? Why was he not on the birth certificate if he was with the partner at the time of the birth? Can you even get put on a 5 year old birth certificate anyway?
Don't get married without your children present, but even if you had no children I would want everything straight with the ex and child first.

BuntyII · 30/09/2018 20:54

The last thing you should do is marry into this fucked up situation Confused

WorraLiberty · 30/09/2018 21:00

There's no way I'd marry anyone under those circumstances. It's far too messy.

What's the hurry anyway?

Why not just carry on living together until it's sorted out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread