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Original poster

BF wants to get married without my children being there **Thread title edited at OP's request**

125 replies

DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 19:43

I've been with my partner for over 2 years and have 2 children, 7 and 10 from a previous marriage. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is now 6.
My partners exgf doesn't know about me and she makes it difficult for my partner to see his daughter. They live in another country and he currently see's her maybe 5-6 times a year.

My partner lives with me and my children and has done so for 9 months. They get on great and all is well.

We are now talking about getting married ourselves, however, he has stated he wants a simple registry wedding for now and doesn't want any of the children present. His plan is to have a ceremony years later, when his daughter and exgf know about me and my children.

I'm not happy with this at all and want my kids there; I don't feel I can get married without them and turn up one day and simply say it's been done. They obviously know my partner and see us as a family.

My partner is worried about his exgf hearing he has moved on and stopping contact with his daughter further and doesn't want his daughter to feel like he's abandoned them in favour of me and my kids.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 21:01

This man sounds like a complete dick. Are you absolutely sure that he has split up from his ex? Have you met his parents/siblings/other friends? Does he actually want to marry you, or could he be relying on you wanting all the DC there so he can claim he is willing to get married and you are the one being 'unreasonable'?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 30/09/2018 21:03

I would not want to get married until you are in a position to have all the children there. Until then, he just remains your fiancé.

Valanice1989 · 30/09/2018 21:04

In all honesty, OP, I wouldn't go ahead with the wedding! This all sounds very odd. I agree with those who say he and his "ex" are quite possibly still together.

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2018 21:05

He sounds shady as fuck. Are you sure she knows she's his ex? Don't marry him yet if at all

Dermymc · 30/09/2018 21:06

You shouldn't marry after 9 months into this nightmare. How have your kids even met him let alone marriage...

Valanice1989 · 30/09/2018 21:08

There is an extension to this story; he 'technically' only broke up with her a year ago.

What do you mean by "technically"?

Bananamanfan · 30/09/2018 21:08

I would also guess that they are still together. This is why he won't tell them about you.

oldsockeater · 30/09/2018 21:08

Your partner sounds a bit rubbish tbh. He is criticising the child 's Dutch mother for not teaching his Dutch child a foreign language at the age of 6?
He should be taking responsibility and learning Dutch himself, not expecting a 6 year old to learn English. She will as soon as she starts school no doubt but that's hardly the point!
Is it really the ex who's unreasonable?

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 21:11

BuntyII you seem to enjoy spouting bile don’t you Hmm

Starlight345 · 30/09/2018 21:12

Well what a mess . Is it your house ? Why do you want to get married?

tempester28 · 30/09/2018 21:14

It used to be the norm for Dutch children to speak English from a very young age. If this is still the case it may be in your dp and his daughters favour. I wouldn't get married in these circumstances. Put it on hold until he has sorted out his arrangements with his ex and child.

birdonawire1 · 30/09/2018 21:15

You can have your DC there and provided they don’t post on social media, what difference does it make to you partner? Why should the presence of two children make the ceremony a public event? He’s talking out of his rear.

peaktrans · 30/09/2018 21:19

There are a lot of red flags here. I'm very suspicious as to whether the relationship has ended. I also think he sounds like a terrible Dad. Why hasn't he learned the language?

corythatwas · 30/09/2018 21:19

Do you really think a man who can't even bother to learn the language spoken by his own daughter is husband material? I'd step very carefully here, and that's before we even consider the possibility that his story is not exactly as he tells it.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 30/09/2018 21:21

So he's happy for your DC to be cannon fodder in order for him to feel slightly less guilty about his own fucked up situation with his daughter. Not a promising start to a marriage. Why does he think a huge deception such as a secret marriage won't affect his relationship with his daughter as and when the truth outs, especially as your DC will have known about it for years?

Also, why is he so keen to marry you before everything can be out in the open and above board? Why do you pay for his flights and how did he fund visits to see his daughter before you came along? Apologies for all the questions but this has cocklodger disaster written all over it.

Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 21:23

I'm currently renting so I don't think he wants to marry me for money.
Their relationship has definitely ended as I have seen her posts on social media.

You could say I am technically was the 'other woman' he lived in Italy and the exgf in Holland for the first year we were together. He then moved to the UK to be with me after he ended his relationship with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 21:24

I was told the relationship was 'effectively over' in our first year together and as they lived in different countries I had no reason to question this.

OP posts:
Tahani · 30/09/2018 21:30

most Dutch people i know speak english, even the young ones speak it a little.

I wouldnt marry him without my children there, and i would be very wary of marrying without his DC being there either - its not a great start to blended family

BIG red flags

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/09/2018 21:33

Why would she want to stop him seeing his daughter?

BackforGood · 30/09/2018 21:33

Of course, if someone with a 7 and 10 yr old is getting married, then they could expect to have their dc there, at the wedding.
However, as other posters have pointed out, you'd be a fool to be even talking about marriage with this man, at this stage.

You both happily had an affair for a year. Is that the sort of person you want to marry - someone with a small dc who thinks it is ok to just abandon her and have an affair with someone ?
If he was settled in the Netherlands, and had a child there, how is it he's not learned the language ?

I actually think the very idea of 'keeping you secret' is incredibly dodgy. Yes, there's the possibility he is still in a relationship with her too, but aside from that, how on earth do you think his dc is going to feel about being lied to, when she does find out ? Hmm

Mrsmadevans · 30/09/2018 21:40

OP how do you know he isn't still with his wife and visiting them both 5-6 times a year playing happy families.

Ellisandra · 30/09/2018 21:40

Why on earth are you attracted to a man who gives so few fucks about his own daughter that he hasn’t bothered to learn Dutch? What an arsehole. Why are your standards so low?

Effectively / technically split up?

Yeah... no.

Anyone else think the “difficult ex” is probably a perfectly reasonable wonan, who just expects higher standards of behaviour than you?

Don’t marry him, but if you really just - not put him ahead of your children, don’t let him choose that they don’t come to their own mother’s wedding.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 21:41

You can’t marry someone whose child you haven’t met. You’d be mad.

How did you two meet with him in Italy and you here? And why did he move away from his young child to another country?

You’re right that if you were to marry your children should be there.

But you shouldn’t marry him.

The whole thing is fishy as hell.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 21:42

Was the father of your DC a dickhead, too? You seem to have pretty low standards when it comes to men. This one really doesn't sound like he's worth any more of your time: shifty, a lazy, uninvolved father and probably dishonest with it.

MessyBun247 · 30/09/2018 21:46

Ok I think your DC being present at your wedding is the least of your worries here.

The whole relationship and situation is fucked up. Why are you thinking about marrying him? What are you doing?