BF wants to get married without my children being there **Thread title edited at OP's request**

[DowhatIwant]

I've been with my partner for over 2 years and have 2 children, 7 and 10 from a previous marriage. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is now 6.
My partners exgf doesn't know about me and she makes it difficult for my partner to see his daughter. They live in another country and he currently see's her maybe 5-6 times a year.

My partner lives with me and my children and has done so for 9 months. They get on great and all is well.

We are now talking about getting married ourselves, however, he has stated he wants a simple registry wedding for now and doesn't want any of the children present. His plan is to have a ceremony years later, when his daughter and exgf know about me and my children.

I'm not happy with this at all and want my kids there; I don't feel I can get married without them and turn up one day and simply say it's been done. They obviously know my partner and see us as a family.

My partner is worried about his exgf hearing he has moved on and stopping contact with his daughter further and doesn't want his daughter to feel like he's abandoned them in favour of me and my kids.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Why is he not named on his daughter’s birth certificate?

Red flags-a-flapping galore.

Fishy fishy fishy

Your kids being at the wedding is the least of your worries!

He is still sleeping with the child's mother and you're funding his little trips

To me your situation is about far more than just your children being at your wedding. It doesn't seem as if your OH has broken up properly with his previous gf if he hasn't told her about his relationship with you. Someone is either in a full and committed relationship with someone or not and it's partly (or fully) hidden. I would be very suspicious if my OH said "I'll marry you, but we keep it secret".

Why do you pay for his flights??

Oh my days.. This is fucked up. Ditch him. He's probably still "technically" married to her. But it sounds a complete mess. Put your children first and up your standards.

One more saying this is not a good person to marry!

So he wants to marry you in secret? And you’d accept that?

Are you sure his ex is actually ex?

Is he paying to support a dc he isn't technically the df of?

Your paying for his flights? Why , does he work and pay maintenance
I'm tempted to say lying cocklodger

So he lied to you for a whole year?

Why on earth would you marry him?!

So whet nationality is he op.

This situation is uncannily familiar to me

It's the here and now that's important

Is he going to feel this way over other big events? Holidays? Days out?

Frankly it sounds entirely possible he's stringing you both along, possibly even still sleeping with her on his little jaunts to see them!

Have you met his daughter? His other family/friends? Are you shown as his partner on SM (not compulsory I realise of course but if he's studiously avoiding you on there that's suss)?

And WHY are you paying for these trips?

I wouldn't even have moved in with him unless his ex and daughter had been honestly told about you and where he stands!

Honestly? I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship!

"Sounds dodgy as fuck." Yep!

VERY unusual in my experience for a Dutch child not to speak English. But CERTAINLY no reason why he couldn't have learned SOME Dutch to converse with HIS CHILD! Also I believe their legal system is very similar to ours in terms of access to children from previous relationships etc.

"Their relationship has definitely ended as I have seen her posts on social media." Not that hard to set up false accounts!

Well, I'm glad to hear you've put your foot down about the wedding. But hells bells, woman, the whole set up sounds dodgy as fuck. If I were your friend in RL I'd be telling you to run for the hills. He sounds a right bloody chancer.

I smell bullshit too. Do not marry this man in fact do not live with this man.

I don't understand these threads.

How is it possible that someone actually needs to ask advice as to whether they should prioritise - not just any man - but a significantly sub-standard man, over their own children?

Why do you even need to ask?

This whole situation is crazy. Why are you even talking about marriage? It seems so teenage, given the length of time you've been together and all the other shit going down.

You have kids to consider (fine if you can't figure out how to actually prioritise them, but at least consider them), and it seems a load of MNers have the measure of this man based on this thread alone, more clearly than the OP, whose judgement appears to be highly questionable.

Sorry to be so harsh - genuinely - but just take a step back. You do not need to even be in this dilemma.

If I'm honest the whole thing smells like a long playing con.
Am not sure what your financials are of course, but if you are stable financially and have your own home, pension, savings etc, please don't risk yours and your children's financial future and home and marry this man.

Firstly I think that you need to live with the bloke longer than 9 months before getting hitched.

Secondly, this is purely anecdotal but my father married my stepmother and didn't invite two of his kids to the wedding (I was only invited because I lived with him at the time and would have known)

It caused a lot of tension in the family and my siblings have never not quite got over being excluded from his big day.

I understand the motive behind having a child free wedding, but you have to see things from the child's perspective.

Also if the relationship with some children isn't great, I think including them on your big day will mitigate things slightly.

If he was with the mum until the dd was 4 how the hell is the dd not fluent in English? How did he speak to her when she was born/ toddling/ learning to speak? He must be fluent in Dutch so how is that a language barrier?
Also, he doesn't want your kids at the wedding because he doesn't want them to find out and be upset. Let's say for a minute that's fine, it's a good idea. Surely the kid/ mum would be more pissed off that he got married without telling them, never mind who did or didn't attend the ceremony? Surely they'd be more upset to find out hes been living with a woman and family whilst they've had no idea- where do they think he's living? By himself? So finding out he's been lying to them all along is worse than 'I got married and wife's kids were there'?! Why would they care who was there over the overall whoppers he's been telling?

Not many 6 year old Dutch children will speak English but in this situation the language issue is clearly nonsense and another excuse.

Sounds like this man wants to compartmentalize his life: his Dutch family
his secret relationship with you
A hidden marriage
Kids all hidden away from each other and the marriage
And let me guess a no to having kids together as they'd have to be hidden from Dutch family!!

What a load of complicated bullshit I'd tell him to go eff off and learn how to adult and parent his existing child before making demands of a new partner and her number one priority : her actual dc

I wouldn't marry him with my children there! This is not normal OP.

Wow this is some fucked up shit

What's the hurry up get married to someone who sounds dodgy as this

So, you were the other woman, he doesn't see his child much, his other family don't know about you but you pay for his flights to go abroad to see his child and 'ex'
He doesn't eamt your children at your wedding
Sounds like a real catch...