Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF wants to get married without my children being there **Thread title edited at OP's request**

125 replies

DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 19:43

I've been with my partner for over 2 years and have 2 children, 7 and 10 from a previous marriage. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is now 6.
My partners exgf doesn't know about me and she makes it difficult for my partner to see his daughter. They live in another country and he currently see's her maybe 5-6 times a year.

My partner lives with me and my children and has done so for 9 months. They get on great and all is well.

We are now talking about getting married ourselves, however, he has stated he wants a simple registry wedding for now and doesn't want any of the children present. His plan is to have a ceremony years later, when his daughter and exgf know about me and my children.

I'm not happy with this at all and want my kids there; I don't feel I can get married without them and turn up one day and simply say it's been done. They obviously know my partner and see us as a family.

My partner is worried about his exgf hearing he has moved on and stopping contact with his daughter further and doesn't want his daughter to feel like he's abandoned them in favour of me and my kids.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/10/2018 12:23

i think he needs to move back out and be on his own for a while, I think your kids deserve much better in a potential step father than this guy, they deserve for you to be with someone who wants them in his life

Don't marry him.

AgentJohnson · 01/10/2018 14:37

Why are you with this idiot? She lives in The Netherlands FFS not Outer Mongolia. I am English and have lived in The Nethetlands for years it would be extremely unlikely that his DD won’t encounter English. Is there a reason he hasn’t learnt Dutch?

When he hadn’t ‘technically’ split up with this woman he was lying to you and her, which makes why you so readily accept the crazy Ex GF narrative so bloody confusing.

Him not wanting your DC at the wedding is the least of your worries, wake up and smell the exceedingly strong coffee.

dArtagnansCrumpet · 01/10/2018 14:47

Honestly I'm not being horrible but when reading your OP I thought you sounded like a meal ticket and then when you said you pay for his flights as well! I wouldn't get married to him if I were you, and definitely insist on including your dc if that's what you want to do.

Returnofthesmileybar · 01/10/2018 15:05

You say over two years? How long over 2 years? So you are together just over two years say, one year of that you lived in different countries and he was in a different relationship, he is living here just over a year (ish), nine months with you, so he lived in the same country as you for a matter of months before he moved in. You haven't met his daughter, his family don't know about you and he wants to exclude your kids from your wedding so the daughter who doesn't know about you doesn't feel like he doesn't give a shit (which is clearly doesn't). You really have a low opinion of yourself and your kids if you think you don't deserve any better than this knob head

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/10/2018 15:10

I wouldn’t marry someone without their child knowing and meeting me. I’d get this sorted first.

serbska · 01/10/2018 15:31

Good god this is totally fucked up.

Obviously don't marry him.

  1. he probably isn't even split up and 2) he sounds like he is using you for cash.
theWarOnPeace · 01/10/2018 17:12

How did I miss the bit where you sta you oh for his flights to go and see his child?! Shock

theWarOnPeace · 01/10/2018 17:12

*say you pay FFS

Crunchymum · 01/10/2018 17:17

So he is Italian OP?

Is he trying to push for pre brexit wedding??

Zucker · 01/10/2018 17:18

Why are you paying for his flights?

Don't marry him, technically or not.

niccyb · 01/10/2018 17:20

If you want your children to be there then they should be. It’s your wedding and one day. If it’s something that you want then you will regret it if you don’t bring them. As your partner, he should understand how important your children are to you.

I don’t understand why he is allowing his ex girlfriend to rule his life especially if she’s not even in the same country and why she isn’t allowed to know about you. It’s been 2 years??
Something about this doesn’t sound right to me.

puzzledlady · 01/10/2018 17:27

Wtf? Marrying this useless father is the least of your worries. He didn’t bother learning the language his only daughter knows? Stand up father 🤦🏻‍♀️

TheCakeCrusader · 01/10/2018 17:57

Why are you paying for his flights, OP?

This relationship has red flags all over it!

Hissy · 01/10/2018 18:01

Hold on... this “Prince” has no relationship with his daughter, yet you - who his ex doesn’t even know about - are to blame?

This prick has been with you for 5 minutes and he’s moved in, bull shitting about marriage to keep you in the hook, you pay for his flights, taking money out of your family finances and STILL your kids are airbrushed out of a poxy wedding?

This is a disaster op. Sort it out today! Bin him

Keeptrudging · 01/10/2018 18:15

If he can't even afford to pay for his flights, does that mean he isn't working? Does he pay child support to his daughter? Who is pushing to get married and why? I don't see a good reason to legally tie yourself to this evasive man, who is happy to cheat and lie.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 01/10/2018 18:20

Please don't marry this man anytime soon. Also children in Holland learn English at school and almost everyone there speaks English, so the langauge shouldn't be a barrier at all, he's just making up that there is one. And stop paying for his flights to Holland to see his child, that's his responsibility and it's not expensive.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2018 18:23

I would not marry him full stop, it's either his way or noway. He is obviously putting his dd above all of you, which is right, but he is not ready for a relationship or marriage until he sorts these issues out. Very unfair putting you in that position and dishonest. I could not betray my children.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2018 18:24

I agree, do not marry him, and bin him.

thethoughtfox · 01/10/2018 18:26

You say he told you the relationship was 'effectively over' ? That means they were still a couple for the first year you were together.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/10/2018 18:31

OP come on, use your common sense, this situation smells fishier than Billingsgate market. Think of your kids and don't drag them into a shitshow.

PodgeBod · 01/10/2018 18:31

Is he Italian or is he of a different nationality?

Ginger1982 · 01/10/2018 18:33

Why are you even with this idiot? Never mind not getting married without the kids, LTB!!

Angrybird345 · 01/10/2018 18:33

He sounds very dodgy. Don’t marry him!!!

RomanyRoots · 01/10/2018 18:41

OP, I'm sorry to be brutal but why are you considering marrying somebody who treats you like a dirty little secret, and worse a marriage based on lies.
Why isn't he telling them about you, a cynical person would smell a rat.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 01/10/2018 18:43

What's the rush to get married? You have only been together two years.

I certainly wouldn't be considering marriage until a) further down the line b) I'd met his kid and had established a relationship with her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread