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Original poster

BF wants to get married without my children being there **Thread title edited at OP's request**

125 replies

DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 19:43

I've been with my partner for over 2 years and have 2 children, 7 and 10 from a previous marriage. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is now 6.
My partners exgf doesn't know about me and she makes it difficult for my partner to see his daughter. They live in another country and he currently see's her maybe 5-6 times a year.

My partner lives with me and my children and has done so for 9 months. They get on great and all is well.

We are now talking about getting married ourselves, however, he has stated he wants a simple registry wedding for now and doesn't want any of the children present. His plan is to have a ceremony years later, when his daughter and exgf know about me and my children.

I'm not happy with this at all and want my kids there; I don't feel I can get married without them and turn up one day and simply say it's been done. They obviously know my partner and see us as a family.

My partner is worried about his exgf hearing he has moved on and stopping contact with his daughter further and doesn't want his daughter to feel like he's abandoned them in favour of me and my kids.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 30/09/2018 21:47

My great aunts father got remarried in approx 1930 somebody on the street told her, she never forget how awful it made feel
being left out. Don’t do it

AnotherCareerThread · 30/09/2018 21:49

What kind of relationship did you manage to forge with a man who lived in Italy whilst you were in UK?
Why was he in Italy whilst his daughter and girlfriend were in the Netherlands?
One long distance relationship is tough, but two sounds a nightmare yet he did it... How do you know there isn't another mistress in another country? Perhaps Italy...

Honestly OP, the fact that he thinks it's reasonable to have a wedding without your children when that's not what you want is enough reason to LTB without:

*The affair
*The suspicious circumstances of his ex
*The fact he hasn't bothered to communicate with his daughter
*The huge amount of baggage he comes with

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/09/2018 21:52

Why are you paying for his flights?
Does he stay with Ex when he goes?

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 21:53

So he was willing to move from Italy for a new girlfriend but not to live in the same country as his child? Why on earth do you want to marry him in these circumstances? The whole thing is a mess.

MemoryOfSleep · 30/09/2018 21:57

Your children may grow to resent your new man if they think he matters more to you than they do. That's certainly the message you'd send by excluding them from the wedding.

MemoryOfSleep · 30/09/2018 21:57

Heck, they'd probably grow to resent you.

tabulahrasa · 30/09/2018 21:58

So he didn’t bother to learn Dutch or spend enough time with his own child even while living with her that she speaks any English?...

Then moved to not one, but two different countries without settling visitation?...

And wants to lie to his own daughter about you?...

But you’re ok with marrying him?...

Really?

cheesefield · 30/09/2018 21:58

Your DP sounds very very dodgy.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 30/09/2018 21:59

There's a reason his other family doesn't know about you. I'd be more worried about that than anything to do with wedding plans, and I'd get to the bottom of it before starting them.

Valanice1989 · 30/09/2018 22:04

If I had a child who spoke a different language from me, I can't imagine not bothering to learn it!

needsahouseboy · 30/09/2018 22:07

He's not split form her and you are being fed a bunch of lies. I'd be getting well rid!

DerelictWreck · 30/09/2018 22:08

There's a reason his other family doesn't know about you.

Well yeah a very clear reason.

Come on OP - Your DP was blatantly still in a relationship the first year, and that's why she now doesn't know about you. He can hardly tell her's moved in and getting married when as far as she is aware, they only broke up a year ago.

Wise Up. No way you and your kids should be planning a future with someone who is so desperate to keep you a secret.

lolarose896 · 30/09/2018 22:10

I don't think its the right time to get married OP. I feel for you, I would never want to have such an important day without my family being there. Including your children and his

Knitjob · 30/09/2018 22:10

Please don't get married under these circumstances. Please don't.

Ellisandra · 30/09/2018 22:15

Please explain why the fuck it is you paying for his flights to see his daughter?

And also explain why you think the reason he has to go to NL is because of the “difficult ex”, and not because - oooooh, I don’t know - because otherwise it would mean a six year old travelling to the UK? That would be a six year old who doesn’t speak English and whose father doesn’t bother to learn Dutch?

Loving that this oh so difficult ex still facilitates contact 6x a year! Yeah. She sounds difficult. Tbf, it’s not only her facilitating it, let’s not forget who actually pays.

What a monumental cocklodginf arsehole you’ve found yourself.

HiHoToffee · 30/09/2018 22:16

Why are you paying for his tickets and what would he do if you didn't?

Apileofballyhoo · 30/09/2018 22:19

Don't marry him.

NotNachoing · 30/09/2018 22:26

OP if he's not named on the birth certificate in The Netherlands then he has no parental rights. He also has no parental responsibilities (by law that is, morally is another thing - meaning he doesn't have to pay child support).

However, has he spoken to a lawyer about all this? Dutch lawyers usually speak English exceptionally well (aka totally fluent) and also give free first hour for advice. He needs to arrange to visit one the next time he goes over - or this week, on the phone! He should get his rights sorted.

Now if you suggest this to him and he doesn't want to do it, doesn't matter the reason, you need to ask yourself what's actually going on.

Hopefully he'll make that call this week though.

NorthernFlowerHouse · 30/09/2018 23:19

OP I think you've had some excellent advice already and I'm not going to repeat it.

however whether or not he's still stringing his ex along, please think how you would've felt if you had a father who got married without even telling you, at any age, and had taken on another family of kids who he saw all the time without you knowing.

Please have some compassion for the little girl and at least wait until all this is settled and she is aware of you and your kids until getting married.

Original poster
DowhatIwant · 30/09/2018 23:27

I agree with all the advice given here. I've told him under no circumstances will we get married unless all the kids are able to be present.

I cannot force him to tell his exgf, neither would I ask him to. However, it's not right to get married till all children are aware.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 30/09/2018 23:31

Good decision but really it's much bigger than about the kids being at the wedding. This man is very at ease with living a lie. Please don't even consider marrying him under any circumstances until you're WAY further down the line and everything is fully above board. I'm talking several years. And even then, I'd still struggle to trust him.

Flyingpompom · 30/09/2018 23:34

Run like the wind! You'd have to be a total idiot to marry him. Don't do it!

peaktrans · 01/10/2018 10:44

Good decision but agree with Pink about wider areas of your relationship.

How do you feel? How did he react to your decision?

theWarOnPeace · 01/10/2018 11:03

You saying you can’t force him to tell his ex, and you won’t ask him to..... why not? It would be a dealbreaker for me, but then, so would a man not making much effort for his kid. He sounds like a bullshitter.

Figural · 01/10/2018 12:06

I agree with the excellent advice you've received here, OP, this does sound very mysterious. At the moment, I'd definitely be having second thoughts about marrying him.

Could you manage a city break in a school holiday and suggest going to The Netherlands together. him to see his daughter and you and your kids to enjoy a break? Do his ex and daughter live in or near Amsterdam? Kids having fun together in Amsterdam would be a good way to start a relationship with his daughter.

Eurostar run daily services, changing in Brussels (not diffiicult) and on to Rotterdam changing in Amsterdam.

Even if you only suggest it to him, his reaction might tell you something.

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