How can I support DP who's in the wrong?

[peppersprayfirstapologiselater]

My DP is having some issues at work which has lead to a disciplinary hearing, he is in the wrong. He's had 2-3 issues in the recent past where he's also not dealt with things in the best way, this has lead to various warnings and last time he got a final written.

In the past it has been things like flying off the handle and losing his temper with colleagues who in all fairness to DP, haven't been conducting themselves in the correct manner, but it has been DP who has got into trouble due to his unprofessional reactions. He sees this as sticking up for himself and not being walked all over which is great that he can see this, but he can't go about it in the manner he has been.

His frustration is that he isn't listened to by managers so the problems seem to continue. His work place seems to be abit 'corrupt' from what I've heard. I have of course encouraged him to find a different job where he would be more appreciated and better paid but he is very unmotivated and doesn't have very much ambition.

So now this time he's got a disciplinary and I've told him straight that he cannot conduct himself in this manner. I'm being purposely vague, but basically I've told him that I think he's wrong and that he should prepare himself for the worst on Tuesday which is when the meeting is. He's now really upset with me and is saying I'm not at all supportive. I only talk about it when he brings it up to me, I haven't just gone on about it to him.

He's right, I haven't pandered to him and told him everything will be alright and I haven't told him that the other person is wrong and he his right. Because he is wrong! What he has done is not professional and has left another colleague who has done nothing wrong at risk. He's really upset with me for not being more supportive and has said I'm horrible. I've told him that I'm not just going to lie to make him feel better like others might.

AIBU? Am I awful? He thinks so, I just think I'm being honest and realistic. If I worked with someone like him and they acted in the way he has recently, I'd think they were a right prick! If I was his boss I would have sacked him after the first or second incident.

If IABU what can I do to support him better?

I think my post comes across as me being abit harsh but that's because I don't want to put the full details of what he's done. It's been a lot of shouting and swearing at colleagues amongst other things. Completely not ok IMO!

He seems to think everyone else is at fault here, except him...

If he's like this with colleagues out in the open, how do you think he'll treat you when he needs to 'stick up for himself?'

But Yanbu. He is jeopardising his family and finances. It’s not the first time he got into trouble, nor the second, but the fourth time??!! And it’s a final written warning!! That’s serious. Do you have enough money to cope with him getting sacked? It won’t look good on his cv. He needs help.

Since you have no power over what happens at his hearing it’s probably best not to talk about it in terms of “I think this will happen” as much as “what will we do in the worst case” “how can we avoid this happening again” etc. Always from the perspective as you both as a team.

He's in a very serious situation OP. He needs to stop worrying about the tone of voice you used in your conversation and focus on how to give this his best shot at limiting damage. A sincere apology would be a good start.

He needs to focus on what he’s done and not what you’ve said.

We don't really have any responsibilities, both still live at home and no DC. I just don't think he's very bothered. I suggested he hand his notice in before the inevitable happens. I just don't know what to do with him🤷🏼‍♀️

I would walk away from the relationship! Do not have kids with him. This is a huge red flag.

So you don't live with him, you aren't tied to him or committed beyond emotionally?

Get out of this relationship. He's going to turn that unreasonable behaviour/reaction onto you at some point.

Unless there's a grovelling apology, a lightbulb moment of what a prick he's been and a new understanding of what acceptable, professional behaviour is then my advice is LTB. It doesn't bode well for your future relationship as it stands. Red flags everywhere . ⛳⛳⛳

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is so feckless and irresponsible?

The only thing you can do other than the dose of realism is to suggest he points out all the good things he has done and plead leniency, assuming there are good things he has done at work.

I share the concern of others if his temper loss is not confined to work.

Honestly, he doesn't need support. He needs to get his head out of his arse and understand you have to conduct yourself in certain ways at work. We all work with dickheads. We don't all fly off the handle and then claim we are standing up for ourselves so should be allowed.

I bet you anything, this wi happen in his next job. And job after that.

My best friends brother was like that. Went from job to job andbits was everyone else's fault that he kept getting into trouble or getting sacked.

You’re right, he sounds like a right prick.

Do you actually want to stay in this relationship?

Agree with the others. This sounds like awful behaviour. Abusive actually. I'm gathering from your post he's been verbally abusive to colleagues repeatedly. You don't live together, have no kids. Leave him. He's a no hoper if this is his attitude to his employment. This behaviour will turn on to you and any future children. This attitude of his will lead to an unhappy life for you.

He sounds as if has real issues. If you want to support him, ask why he thinks it has happened? I assume he blames others, and he needs to realise he is the common factor and recognise some of his unacceptable behaviour to start to change.

If you two have a good relationship and you want to continue then you need to say ‘I love you and will support you, but clearly something is going wrong here’ I would suggest he needs to see his GP and get some counselling for anger issues.

But honestly, there’s only so far you can support someone who doesn’t listen to you. This could set the tone of your whole relationship. If he is aggressive and is starting to turn it on you then you need to walk away.

He needs to grow up accept he is in the wrong and start planning what to do when he loses his job. As for you, thank goodness you haven’t got too many responsibilities with him right now. Try and think if this is how you want to live your life, what if this is still going on when you have a mortgage/rent and two kids?? How stressful would that be!! Unless he starts to grow up soon I would seriously suggest you think hard about staying in this relationship long term. Sorry 💐

To answer your question "How can I support DP who's in the wrong?" you support him by helping him put his case so he's treated fairly (for example reminding him he has the right to be accompanied at the disciplinary by a colleague, or, if he's in a union, by a union rep). But it seems to me you are doing all this sort of thing already - so you are supporting him.

Given you don't have children together, I'd leave him. I couldn't be bothered with someone who's acting like a 16 year old with a temper.

He wants you to be a rescuer. I think you have better things to do with your time.

Oh no, is he one of those workplace dick heads who thinks everyone is "against him", when in fact he's caused the problem himself? Does this happen repeatedly at different places of work?

What do you do with him? Walk (or preferably run) away.
He blames everyone else for his unacceptable behaviour and claims he’s just standing up for himself? So if you were living with him and he thought you had “stepped out of line” then how would he act towards you?
He’s an immature twat with anger issues. Run!

He needs to take responsibility, like an adult and accept the fact that he has made serious mistakes.

Otherwise this cycle will be repeated at his next job and the one after that .... if he actually manages to find another job after being sacked for disciplinary offences

He doesn't sound a staysr or a keeper.

No, you’re not being unreasonable, at all. You sound eminently sensible.

PLEASE consider seriously whether you really want to be in a long term relationship with a man with self control and anger issues so severe he is about to lose his job after several formal warnings.

How long have you been together?

I'm inclined to agree with previous posters about leaving the relationship before settling down and having children with a man who loses his temper like this.
Shouting & swearing at colleagues would be a red flag for me.