How can I support DP who's in the wrong?

[peppersprayfirstapologiselater]

My DP is having some issues at work which has lead to a disciplinary hearing, he is in the wrong. He's had 2-3 issues in the recent past where he's also not dealt with things in the best way, this has lead to various warnings and last time he got a final written.

In the past it has been things like flying off the handle and losing his temper with colleagues who in all fairness to DP, haven't been conducting themselves in the correct manner, but it has been DP who has got into trouble due to his unprofessional reactions. He sees this as sticking up for himself and not being walked all over which is great that he can see this, but he can't go about it in the manner he has been.

His frustration is that he isn't listened to by managers so the problems seem to continue. His work place seems to be abit 'corrupt' from what I've heard. I have of course encouraged him to find a different job where he would be more appreciated and better paid but he is very unmotivated and doesn't have very much ambition.

So now this time he's got a disciplinary and I've told him straight that he cannot conduct himself in this manner. I'm being purposely vague, but basically I've told him that I think he's wrong and that he should prepare himself for the worst on Tuesday which is when the meeting is. He's now really upset with me and is saying I'm not at all supportive. I only talk about it when he brings it up to me, I haven't just gone on about it to him.

He's right, I haven't pandered to him and told him everything will be alright and I haven't told him that the other person is wrong and he his right. Because he is wrong! What he has done is not professional and has left another colleague who has done nothing wrong at risk. He's really upset with me for not being more supportive and has said I'm horrible. I've told him that I'm not just going to lie to make him feel better like others might.

AIBU? Am I awful? He thinks so, I just think I'm being honest and realistic. If I worked with someone like him and they acted in the way he has recently, I'd think they were a right prick! If I was his boss I would have sacked him after the first or second incident.

If IABU what can I do to support him better?

You're only 22?! Don't let this layabout have another momen t of your life. It's too short!
Imagine this was going on while you were on maternity leave or pregnant. That would be really stressful.

Are you supporting him financially?

He is entitled to a union rep, maybe needs anger management or other counselling (work may provide this). Is he depressed? Gp can offer counselling. He needs a big reality check, if you say you are not going to put up with this happening repeatedly you will be making your position clear. I would worry he will be verbally abusive to you if you make a future together

Is this the only time he's told you you're not being supportive?

You've posted here because you're seeing red flags. I ignored the same red flags. My ex was generally charming, but couldn't hold down a job for very long,nor was he capable of running his own business when he tried to do that. It wasn't his fault, everyone below him was "a monkey" everyone above was a "twat" and if his customers made a reasonable request of him he decided they were "demanding" and then "undeserving" of his services.

He used to ask for my advice, but anything less than "that's a wonderful idea, darling" was deemed as me "not being supportive." even if it was a bloody stupid idea. Then it was if I hadn't cooked dinner straight away when I got in from work (he was "working from home", which mostly involved playing computer games in his pants), then it was if I hadn't done all the laundry in one go, or asked for his share of the rent or didn't want to take the baby out in the snow simply so he could have the house to himself for 4 hours.

Any time I wanted something for me or our child, I wasn't being supportive. Yet he never supported me.

He started cocklodging expecting me to bankroll everything. I began to fall into debt too. Then when I started to stand up for myself, the violence started. After he tried to choke me once and held me on the floor with his foot on my back, threatening to break my spine, I knew I had to leave.

I left a few months later. I was 28, it had been 7 years. I felt like I'd given him my twenties. I'm now 37, still single but would rather have that than still live with him, or worse, not be alive any more.

You are in a much stronger position than I was - you don't live with him or have kids with him and you have a job to support you. I would advise you to look carefully at his behaviour towards you - do the great times usually come after a row or instance where he's said you're not supportive or belittled you? Has he ever raised his voice or sworn at you? Do you find yourself acting a certain way to avoid him getting annoyed with you, or choosing your words very carefully?

You thought everyone was going to roast you for being "harsh", but you sound entirely reasonable. That speaks volumes to me about the mindset he already has you in, believing he is right. Don't let him crush you completely.

YANBU, he sounds like a bully manager's worst nightmare.

His frustration is that he isn't listened to by managers so the problems seem to continue.
I'd say the moment he first lost his temper in the workplace and then continued to do it, demonstrating that he's incapable of controlling himself probably flagged him as someone whose problems and suggestions are fairly low down in the order of 'things management listen to'. He's not helped himself OP, and while you seem to be the only person willing to help him he's pushing you away too! You can't help someone who won't help himself...

The meeting has been re arranged for a later date because he is now taking a union rep in with him. I'm not bothered if he loses his job or not, it doesn't affect me and I think it will be interesting to see what he does if he does get sacked. He has 0 savings so I think that'll tell me a lot.

Somebody mentioned him being controlling which he isn't really at all. I have a really active social life and see my friends and family all the time which he encourages to the point of when I didn't have my graduate job and we were earning the same, he'd always give me money to go out with if I was ever too poor. He doesn't really get on with my friends that well which could be a thread in itself but he definitely doesn't stop me going out, infact he probably enjoys the piece and quiet when I do go out! I'd say he loves me more than I love him, he does a lot of nice things for me and I can tend to be abit selfish without realising, this is because my mum and dad spoilt me rotten and still do. I do really try not to be this way, but it's just ingrained in me now!😩

I've given away more than I would have liked to so I will probably stop posting now. But I've read every single post and will probably go back and read them all again and again.

I'm going to let all of this play out and see what happens and will make a decision from there. The main thing is I'm young, completely independent from him in all ways possible and will bounce back!! I might just need to join the gym if I'm going back out there because I've put on about a stone in the last 3.5 years 🙄

Thanks again and best wishes to you all x

I can tend to be abit selfish without realising, this is because my mum and dad spoilt me rotten and still do

Be very careful that this isn't his projection of what you're like. Especially since he doesn't have a good relationship with his own parents. Your very normal, loving relationship with yours could seem like being 'spoilt rotten' to him and actually be something he resents.

Agreeing with all the others, btw. At 22 you don't have to settle for this.

Regardless of what you decide- good luck. There are thinks you've said which many of us have seen in relationships of our own, but its ultimately only you who can know if the examples others have said ring true. I will say though. He doesn't like your friends. That's never great. Would they be allowed to come over if you did live together? Ultimately, even if this juts makes you a bit more aware, and a little less naive about the possibilities of what a relationship with someone like who you've described, then it's a good thing, and means you can look out for behaviours your don't want to or should have to tolerate, and may not happen!

What do your friends think of him?

Do you honestly not think he'll become aggressive with you when you live together and he's unhappy about something? The fact that he's not able to take responsibility when he's obviously in the wrong is the biggest worry for me op. Imagine you're living together and there's never enough money and he's losing job after job because he can't behave in an acceptable way. He doesn't like your friends, I bet he doesn't have many close friendships of his own. He has cockloging abuser written all over him

Good luck OP, you seem to have your head screwed on. I'm sure you will do what you need to do. Whatever that is.

Oh goodness I genuinely feel like I'm reading my younger self, I could have written that last post when I was with my ex. Find someone you love just as much as they love you OP. It's the only way to be fulfilled.

Of course it will affect you if he gets sacked! He will be harder to employ. He’s not going anywhere career wise. Just leave him.

The trouble is, love is blind.
You have to ask yourself the question “ is this how you treat the person you love?” If things get worse ask yourself that. Google The Freedom Programme and read “ Why does he do that “ by Lundy Bancroft( free online pdf)

Not saying this is where you are now but it may be in the future in which case you should run a mile.

It’s better and less lonely being on your own than with the wrong person.

Do you want kids? Is he going to be a good dad?

Please RUN...honestly for your own good. My each is like this . I saw him berating others because he was 'angry. He liked to belabour a point and be begged .I was stupid enough to marry him as I was pregnant with twins.

I already was realising the relationship was wrong when I married him. He eventually turned those behaviours to me. RRUN NOW PLEASE