How can I support DP who's in the wrong?

[peppersprayfirstapologiselater]

My DP is having some issues at work which has lead to a disciplinary hearing, he is in the wrong. He's had 2-3 issues in the recent past where he's also not dealt with things in the best way, this has lead to various warnings and last time he got a final written.

In the past it has been things like flying off the handle and losing his temper with colleagues who in all fairness to DP, haven't been conducting themselves in the correct manner, but it has been DP who has got into trouble due to his unprofessional reactions. He sees this as sticking up for himself and not being walked all over which is great that he can see this, but he can't go about it in the manner he has been.

His frustration is that he isn't listened to by managers so the problems seem to continue. His work place seems to be abit 'corrupt' from what I've heard. I have of course encouraged him to find a different job where he would be more appreciated and better paid but he is very unmotivated and doesn't have very much ambition.

So now this time he's got a disciplinary and I've told him straight that he cannot conduct himself in this manner. I'm being purposely vague, but basically I've told him that I think he's wrong and that he should prepare himself for the worst on Tuesday which is when the meeting is. He's now really upset with me and is saying I'm not at all supportive. I only talk about it when he brings it up to me, I haven't just gone on about it to him.

He's right, I haven't pandered to him and told him everything will be alright and I haven't told him that the other person is wrong and he his right. Because he is wrong! What he has done is not professional and has left another colleague who has done nothing wrong at risk. He's really upset with me for not being more supportive and has said I'm horrible. I've told him that I'm not just going to lie to make him feel better like others might.

AIBU? Am I awful? He thinks so, I just think I'm being honest and realistic. If I worked with someone like him and they acted in the way he has recently, I'd think they were a right prick! If I was his boss I would have sacked him after the first or second incident.

If IABU what can I do to support him better?

He sounds like a dick tbh

You've already said that if you worked with someone like him you would consider them a right prick.

You have your own answer right there. He IS a right prick. Everyone is out of step except him.

You support him by dumping him.

I went out with a feckless man child when I was at uni. He was a lot of fun -and seriously gorgeous--. But when I started working I soon realised he wasn't a good long term bet. My mum always told me to make sure the man I had kids with was a grafter unless I wanted to do all the grafting. It was good advice, and I'm very glad I followed it.

His reason for sticking up for himself is probably because he's experienced a lot of bullying and unpleasant behaviour at home.

I feel a bit sorry for him. I think he needs counselling for anger management. He also needs to get his thumb out and start being serious about work.

i cannot tell you what to do OP but I can tell you my friend married an unambitious man with issues from the past. They are in debt and she is very miserable. He is unemployed now and she is working.

in your shoes i would only stay with him if he changed and I fear he won't. but if he can resolve all the shit (I assume) from his past maybe there is a chance. Protect your own accepts and if he is not in the right place to settle down when you want to, i'd not stay... but do let us know how it goes at the meeting.

I agree with the others. He will continue with this behaviour and the only reason it isn't affecting your relationship now is that you don't live together and have no shared responsibilities.

Run, run now, run fast and don't look back.

He is not the man for you.

It's not just the short fuse.

The inability to take any responsibility for the mess he's in is a bad sign.

There is no such things as a perfect relationship - there will be arguments and screw ups from both parties at some point along the line. Being able to stand up and say "you know what, I was really wrong there and I'm sorry. These are the things that got me to that point but they're not excuses. I'll work on it" is not just important, it's essential.

He doesn't sound like he can do that from what you've said...

I feel like I'll look back when I'm 30 and wonder why I didn't run a mile.

You will. Be EXTREMELY careful with contraception while you work this out.

He will hold you back in life. If you ended up living with him he'd become a cocklodger, and probably an abusive one at that.

What everyone else said.

I read your big, long OP and thought - that's a lot of mental effort for a man who clearly isn't worth it. All that work and mental energy and worry - what for?

Get rid and don't look back.

Run fast, run far

I feel like I'll look back when I'm 30 and wonder why I didn't run a mile

This is EXACTLY what is going to happen.

You're 22!
You're being ridiculous to think you'll find no-one else.
Ditch this loser.
And look up sunk costs fallacy.

An important lesson about life and relationships is that no matter how happy you feel when things are easy and you have no challenges, that means absolutely nothing if you have a partner who will not have your back when things get tough.
Romantic gestures, cuddles and good sex mean jack shit in the face of a sick child, losing a job, a parent dying, addiction or any of the other million stressful and awful things that can happen to a family. Find a partner who you can trust to stand by your side and support you in the hard times. Do not choose someone based on how lovely they are when things are going their way.

It's just hard when the majority of the time we are really happy together

Really?

Define happy.

With all his shit hanging over you - you say you're happy?

Repeatedly shouting and swearing at colleagues? That is never acceptable, and I’d be very wary of someone who thinks it is.

End it now OP, otherwise you’ll be lumbered with him.

OP he will always resent you for having a better education and prospects. He's already laying the groundwork by calling you "driven by money" trying to make his lack of drive into some twisted form of moral superiority.

OP, I want to point something out that is quite important. Your boyfriend undoubtedly has some good qualities. You don't need to wait for someone to prove themselves a complete arsehole with no redeeming features in order to decide he is not right for you. (This kept me is a lousy relationship for a couple of years.) What you need to do is check whether the negatives outweigh the positives.

The problem is, that as you get older these issues get bigger, not smaller. He is never going to be ambitious. He is never going to be reasonable. You will always be the bad guy for not standing by him - no matter how appalling his actions are.

When you’re young you can be in relationships with unsuitable people, because it’s not about the long term. He will never be a good person long term.

You’re not compatible and that will leave you both miserable in the end. You can do better.

You are allowed to leave a relationship just because it doesn’t work for you. There doesn’t have to be a big betrayal or deceit. You can just leave because it’s not right.

You’re young and clever - find someone more like you

Get rid of him now while it’s easy. Long term he won’t change and you will end up supporting him financially.
His conduct at work and lack of motivation along with blaming others and not taking responsibility for his actions are HUGE RED FLAGS !
This bad behaviour will escalate to affect you once you move in together. Don’t do it !

He's not taking responsibility for his behaviour. He blames everyone but himself. He won't listen to advice. Won't listen to direction from his managers. Has no ambition.
Things aren't going to improve. You will always be the adult in the relationship. He will always be the 'victim' in any scenario.

Jeez, just read the update. He's 25? And he doesn't know how to behave professionally and gets a petted lip on if you don't tell him is behaviour was ok?

Honestly. I'd sack that off. He's not going to change. You will always be the responsible one and it will be hell on earth if you have kids or live together.

How does he react when you two have a disagreement? Does he take responsibility then? Or do you have to accept responsibility in order to be allowed to move on?

It's depressing what low standards some women seem to have. Being single is nothing to be scared of - it's a fuck of a lot better than having to tiptoe round a loser of a man. Being single is so good that only a remarkable man is worth giving singlehood up for.
The more women reject losers and bullies and misogynists, the better it is for everyone - not breeding with male failures will help get them out of the gene pool, after all.

Get out. Now.

You're already worried yourself that you will regret staying. Listen to yourself! Respect yourself!

I'm 38, married with three children. I've been in love 4 times in my life, but I only married and had children with the right man for me. We can't help who we fall in love with, but we do decide who we spend our lives with. Love isn't always glorious, doesn't always conquer all etc. A lot of love is, unfortunately, toxic. And that's what this is.

Honestly, he won't change. Don't get drawn into telling him what he needs to do for you to stay. Just say you've fallen out of love, and you wish him every happiness in life.

So be can about and swear at colleagues but you telling him he is in the wrong in a non shouty, non aggressive way hurts his feelings and you shouldn't say those things.

Run now. Life is hard enough without someone bringing more drama to your door.