How can I support DP who's in the wrong?

[peppersprayfirstapologiselater]

My DP is having some issues at work which has lead to a disciplinary hearing, he is in the wrong. He's had 2-3 issues in the recent past where he's also not dealt with things in the best way, this has lead to various warnings and last time he got a final written.

In the past it has been things like flying off the handle and losing his temper with colleagues who in all fairness to DP, haven't been conducting themselves in the correct manner, but it has been DP who has got into trouble due to his unprofessional reactions. He sees this as sticking up for himself and not being walked all over which is great that he can see this, but he can't go about it in the manner he has been.

His frustration is that he isn't listened to by managers so the problems seem to continue. His work place seems to be abit 'corrupt' from what I've heard. I have of course encouraged him to find a different job where he would be more appreciated and better paid but he is very unmotivated and doesn't have very much ambition.

So now this time he's got a disciplinary and I've told him straight that he cannot conduct himself in this manner. I'm being purposely vague, but basically I've told him that I think he's wrong and that he should prepare himself for the worst on Tuesday which is when the meeting is. He's now really upset with me and is saying I'm not at all supportive. I only talk about it when he brings it up to me, I haven't just gone on about it to him.

He's right, I haven't pandered to him and told him everything will be alright and I haven't told him that the other person is wrong and he his right. Because he is wrong! What he has done is not professional and has left another colleague who has done nothing wrong at risk. He's really upset with me for not being more supportive and has said I'm horrible. I've told him that I'm not just going to lie to make him feel better like others might.

AIBU? Am I awful? He thinks so, I just think I'm being honest and realistic. If I worked with someone like him and they acted in the way he has recently, I'd think they were a right prick! If I was his boss I would have sacked him after the first or second incident.

If IABU what can I do to support him better?

Run like fuck. Be very grateful you don't live with this toxic prick, or have kids with him - he is a dangerous individual and he will be an abusive partner in due course. You currently still have the self-respect and good sense to tell him he's being a knob and his problems are his own fault, but if you were living with him or financially dependent on him you would already be scared to disagree with him because of the punishment he would inflict - either verbal abuse, control of money or a slap or three. Inadequate, nasty men like this do not change for the better.

He's handed them the opportunity to get rid of him on a golden plate and there's every chance they will take it. There are professional ways of standing up for yourself and if he doesn't learn how to use them this scenario will be repeated ad infinitum.

How will you feel five or ten years down the line when he does it again but you have kids to feed and a mortgage or rent to pay? He's an immature fool and if he doesn't show any sign of learning from this, this will be your life. Think hard.

I'd be pretty embarrassed to be in a relationship with someone who can't control themselves like that.

And if he can behave like that at work, imagine how he'd be at home if you lived together.

Red flags, much??

Your post does not come across as harsh at all.

You are in a relationship with a bona fide dickhead.

It is weird that you want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves like him. You say yourself that you'd hate a colleague like him. Why are you still with him? What's in it for you?

Not looking good. I'm not sure I'd waste my precious life on this guy.

Hi OP is this a work situation only or does he have lots of complaints about others and injustices he feels. Is he a black and white thinker.
He can’t fix the world - can he. He may have deeper issues going on. You need to tread very carefully. He appears to take no responsibility.
It’s every one else’s fault.
What is his family like.
As you know sometimes in life we have to put up with stuff we don’t like. He’s no different.
Yes he needs a union rep if he’s in one. He can call ACAS for advice prior to going and see what they suggest.
I come from a dysfunctional family and some of my brothers are like this - slightly paranoid - “every ones against me or out to get me”
Yes to thinking about how he treats you and how he handles conflict.
Take care.

In what sense is he your partner?

Oh dear, OP! Firstly, I do not think that you are in any way unreasonable.

If I read it correctly, he has already had a final warning, and has a disciplinary hearing this week. Doesn't look good! As people have suggested, you might want to ask him how he/you will deal with a worst case scenario, and what, if anything, he is prepared to do to try to prevent getting fired.

He has anger issues. In many areas there are free courses that people can access. Have a google and see if there is something near to you. It might be a way of getting him to address his issues if he thinks it might help him keep his job.

If I were in your position, I would be having a big think about whether this was the one for me. But only you can decide. I would worry that one day soon you may be at the wrong end of his anger.

Don't hang around and wait for your turn to be the source of all his problems. Get out while it's relatively easy, and for the love of all that is holy don't get pregnant by this man.

Wow thank you for all of your replies!

I'll try to answer some questions.

We have been together over 3 years, I love him very much but he has a very short fuse.

His family is tricky, difficult relationship with his dad who he has now gone NC with, turbulent relationship with his mum who is very hot and cold with everyone including him.

I'm not at all financially dependant on him, I have a degree and a good job. He doesn't and earns minimum wage, he works TTO so comes out with very little each month.

It's so difficult because I really do love him and he loves me, but how can I start a life with someone who can be so irresponsible. He has no ambition to go back into education or to get a better job. He accuses me of being driven by money which I'm not, I just realise that you need a good job that earns well enough to support yourself and your family. I want to live, not just get by! I think we just have two very different mindsets and he's extremely stubborn.

I feel like I'll look back when I'm 30 and wonder why I didn't run a mile... but I'm also really scared to leave incase I can't find what we have now (or better) elsewhere. We do really love each other it's just really difficult.

What we have now? A relationship with a volatile manchild?

Honestly, there are plenty of men out there. 'DIck is abundant and of low value'. There is no need to lumber yourself with an inadequate, aggressive, stupid dickhead like this. However good a shag he is, you will find yourself on the recieving end of his 'short fuse' if you don't get rid.

Why do you think life with someone with no ambition, no shared values and a short nasty temper is better than being alone?

I’d sooner be alone forever frankly.

I’ve got an awful temper. I’ve never once lost it at work and only three times in 13 years with my partner.

He chooses not to control it. Frankly he also sounds quite stupid. Is this a mismatch that you think can be ignored?

but how can I start a life with someone who can be so irresponsible

You can't

So don't

It is that simple

He will not change and he will make you desperately unhappy.

Haven't rtft but the standard advice I used to give as a union rep is that he needs to eat some serious humble pie. He needs to apologise profusely and offer to undergo relevant retraining / counselling.

If he us already on a final warning then the outlook isn't great, if I'm bring honest, so he needs to fling himself on their mercy.

You have to be really careful justifying outbursts in these situations as a lot of managers will take the option of dismissal.

One of my friends is married to a man like this.
She works all hours while he bumbles along in crap job after crap job.
He got sacked from one and sat on his arse for 9 months. Everyone is always against him and he never stops bloody moaning about being hard done by.
She is miserable and hardly sees her son because she is always working.
Run for the hills.

Is he very young? Are you? He just sounds like a dickhead who hasn't grown up, doesn't like responsibility and is tantruming like a stroppy teen.

@RayRayBidet that's what I fear for myself!

And @Bluntness100 I'm 22 he's 25

Thank you for all the helpful responses, I feel very somber and have a lot to think about.

It's just hard when the majority of the time we are really happy together. Like I said, I have a lot to mull over.

@peppersprayfirstapologiselater
Really sorry OP, it's tough.
It gets much tougher once you start a family and if you aren't working as a team it's bloody awful.
You are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you.
People don't change in the ways that matter, he is unlikely to stop being a fool.
Don't waste your life.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

You could be writing about my ex. I stayed for almost a decade, even after the uncontrollable rage started spilling out onto me and he was locking me in rooms and throwing things at me in anger. I thought it was okay and normal. It's not. I stayed because I was scared I wouldn't find anyone else. I did, and my marriage is a world away from the mess that relationship was. Don't waste any more of your life on this. It's a waste of time.

Given he supposedly loves you, he's treating you like shit with the way he's talking to you. Honestly, can you image what he'll be like if you stay together and do stuff that's really stressful like have kids, get ill, get old?

OP, when you're wondering if you'll find another relationship, you're only 22? I didn't meet my DH until we were 28!

And remember, it is much better to be with No One than the Wrong One.

Run, run, as fast as you can.

Run. You won’t be happy together when you need both your incomes to pay the bills or when you resent him as you are the breadwinner and the only one stressing about how to pay thechildminder while he loses another job and goes off at you for being upset about it.