How can I support DP who's in the wrong?

[peppersprayfirstapologiselater]

My DP is having some issues at work which has lead to a disciplinary hearing, he is in the wrong. He's had 2-3 issues in the recent past where he's also not dealt with things in the best way, this has lead to various warnings and last time he got a final written.

In the past it has been things like flying off the handle and losing his temper with colleagues who in all fairness to DP, haven't been conducting themselves in the correct manner, but it has been DP who has got into trouble due to his unprofessional reactions. He sees this as sticking up for himself and not being walked all over which is great that he can see this, but he can't go about it in the manner he has been.

His frustration is that he isn't listened to by managers so the problems seem to continue. His work place seems to be abit 'corrupt' from what I've heard. I have of course encouraged him to find a different job where he would be more appreciated and better paid but he is very unmotivated and doesn't have very much ambition.

So now this time he's got a disciplinary and I've told him straight that he cannot conduct himself in this manner. I'm being purposely vague, but basically I've told him that I think he's wrong and that he should prepare himself for the worst on Tuesday which is when the meeting is. He's now really upset with me and is saying I'm not at all supportive. I only talk about it when he brings it up to me, I haven't just gone on about it to him.

He's right, I haven't pandered to him and told him everything will be alright and I haven't told him that the other person is wrong and he his right. Because he is wrong! What he has done is not professional and has left another colleague who has done nothing wrong at risk. He's really upset with me for not being more supportive and has said I'm horrible. I've told him that I'm not just going to lie to make him feel better like others might.

AIBU? Am I awful? He thinks so, I just think I'm being honest and realistic. If I worked with someone like him and they acted in the way he has recently, I'd think they were a right prick! If I was his boss I would have sacked him after the first or second incident.

If IABU what can I do to support him better?

The cold, hard fact is, he could be sacked. I'd be truthful too. You have bills to pay.

The fact you immediately posted again to justify yourself makes me worry that you tread on Egg shells around him.
If you don't yet, you soon will be.
What attracted you to someone who behaves like that? You sound lovely and worth much more than that.

As someone who has chaired a lot of disciplinary meetings he needs to calmly and genuinely apologise and show that he is doing something about his issues - GP appointment for his anger, working on assertiveness rather than aggression etc.

Probably too late for all that, depends how much he wants his job, or another one in the same field, as to whether it's worth trying.

As for your relationship, his shit is not your responsibility, don't end up shovelling it for him.

He’s very immature and lacks self control. He will not make career progress if he persists. This is his fault, you are right to tell him he’s wrong.

He will drain you dry, op

For Gods sake never tie yourself or have kids with him

You have been warned

P. S. His complaints may be absolutely valid, but it's very unlikely that he will be taken seriously at the moment. I have reduced a disciplinary from dismissal to final written when someone's toy out of pram throwing was really, really justified, but that was once and a complicated situation.

Get out. What you have is a relationship with someone who sees being abusive as normal. I know someone who was in a relationship like this. They ended up going back to work when their baby was 6 weeks old because he lost his job due to his temper. Not for the first time. He was horrific to live with as well. The whole family walked on eggshells. He refuses to accept there is an issue with his behaviour. It won't get better. It's far more likely to get much worse. End it.

He sounds really rough and chavvy frankly- I know that's not a popular word on here but I'm not referring to income or social class when I use it, I'm referring to a type of person who is always banging on about being "disrespected", having loud arguments in public, territorial over their rights but accepting no responsibilities... I don't know how you have any respect for him. I couldn't. He's not good enough for you.

I feel for you OP. He clearly has issues, a lot of it probably stems from his family dynamic. And you don’t want to punish him for it by leaving him. I get that. But everyone is right. It won’t get better. It will get worse and worse. You can’t “fix” him, as much as you might want to. You can give him all the love in the world but it won’t help. It will just slowly destroy you. Your responsibility in life is to yourself. You have to come first. You won’t find happiness with this man.

your thinking and fearing what youll lose without him.that tough and hard I know.but have you also thought about with all this shit comgin now what youll lose with a future with him if this continues in the same ways.so yes a future and finding love again is frightening but isn't it frightening for it to be like this too if nothing changes and quite possibly gets worse.
you love him I don't think I cant just say ltb because how can that be possible if your in love.but just really think things through.i don't think love can carry you through if its just going to be so hard and possibly harder in the future?becasue wrapped up in that will be unhappiness.resenmtnet.fear possibly and a hard slogish life.
I don't know.can things get better.can he change.
so tough op im sorry

do you have support irl hun.obviously we don't know him or you together so cant see the upside and only the down which you've brought to us her for help.they might see it in ways many of the pp do or they might agree.

I'm sorry- I usually eye roll at the LTB when they haven't really done anything. But run. Run for he fecking hills and don't look back. He will treat you the same when you don't respect him the way he wants. When his children don't say and act how he wants, when he doesn't get his on way. He is the problem, but there's always a reason, a justification why he's not. If he can't take responsibility now- leave before you have to try and bend to everything he wants/expects because he'll sulk otherwise. Look back at thirty, and don't be miserable and downtrodden, but smile at what you could have had and managed to escape.

And @peppersprayfirstapologiselater I stayed 10 years. 10 years where it was always everyone else's fault.

Are you really happy when you are together? I'm surprised a man like that could handle any sort of conversation where the woman shows ambition, success and generally being smarter than him. I'd expect knocking you down, keeping it all about him and you being super careful not to upset diddums.

He sounds like a first prize catch for any young woman .

In your shoes, OP, I would be seriously considering what future this useless prat could offer me. Unless he grows up and sorts himself and his attitude out properly, and soon, my answer to that question would be ‘none’.

Good luck.

Op he was just about fine for when you were young and carefree.

But this man is not a potential husband, partner or father.

You have a degree and prospects.

He has no motivation and cannot conduct himself in a professional manner. He does not see himself as wrong. He is entitled.

He will hold you back. He will make you miserable. You cannot fix him or change him or repair the damage done through his childhood.

You dont need to leave him immediately but please do but please keep in mind he is short term and not happy marriage material.

You’re 22. Run for the hills, woman! He’s an angry man-child. Don’t be one of those women who settles and then despises her feckless, usually abusive husband; it’s not a happy existence.

There are many better men out there, especially when you are only 22.

Point out that it helps nobody if you support him to shove his head even further up his ass.

My DP tells me when she thinks I'm wrong and I'm bloody happy she does so. I respect her point of view as much as I respect my own. I also tell her when I think she's wrong, but that tends to happen less often.

There's being supportive and there's ego massaging. You can be expected to do the former, but the latter is only when both people are happy to do it, not something to be guilt tripped into.

We don't really have any responsibilities, both still live at home and no DC.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I read this and thought, Thank. God. it’s not too late.

The posters who referenced bleeding you dry and 10 years of it being someone else’s fault are spot on.

Hear me when I say Get the fuck out of this relationship - this guy is showing you very clearly who he is.
This will not get better, only worse.

He has as little respect for you as his colleagues. He's obviously not pissing you off too much because, much as he insists you are money obsessed [for earning more than him, far more than a woman should, in his mind, no doubt] he doesn't wNt to scare away his meal ticket.

You're 22. FFS, dump this shitbag now. You should be enjoying life and finding out who you are and what you want, not wasting your time trying to placate a useless, selfish, tantrum-throwing man. Unless he sorts himself out and learns how to control his temper, his life will be one disaster after another, probably including prison sentences for assault/threatening behaviour/affray etc in the near future. There is no need at all for you to have your life spoiled by him. Never mind 'love' for one another - it's easy to fall in love with a man who isn't a shit, and there are enough of them out there, particularly for someone as young as you.
You can do so much better than him so don't waste any more time on him.

He is an aggressive prick, if you stay with him long term he will be an aggressive cocklodging prick. I would bet good money that eventually you will be on the recieving end of that short fuse.

You are worth so much more. Walk away and find someone better. Trust me, it won’t be hard.

Run, don’t walk. There’s already enough evidence you’re not going to be able to build a life together. Don’t get into the trap of staying because you’re worried about finding a new relationship. I met my ex at 18 and stayed for 4.5 years even though it was quickly starting to become clear we weren’t compatible long term - too worried and afraid of finding someone new to end it even though I knew he wasn’t the right one for me. Started dating my now DH at 24, will be married 5 years in a couple of weeks

Run now !!!! Contact friends that I’m guessing you have been ‘persuaded’ to drop and meet up with them. Please get yourself out of this toxic relationship. He dosnt deserve you. Wish you well