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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks I being pathetic

138 replies

Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:04

Small back story we have been together 18 months, engaged and wedding booked for early 2020. I have 3 DC and he has 2. Mine are with us all apart from every other weekend (2 nights)and we have his 50:50.
Last Xmas we went to his mums Boxing Day and she presented his DC with gifts and nothing for mine (For info his are 8 and 4 and mine are 15, 6 and 4), my younger D.C. were confused and a bit upset as they didn’t understand why they why they didn’t get anything esp as on Xmas day my mum had got them all equal amounts so no one was left out.
I told partner following this I wouldn’t be attending his mother over Xmas again and he could take his children alone to get there gifts and spend time there and he assured me he would talk to her and explain it’s not fair on the children for this to happen so wouldn’t do it again. Not sure if it matters but it’s not a money thing as they have ALOT and I get on really really well with them day to day and have a great relationship apart from this.
Today we went to visit and they had gotten back from holiday. They had no shame in presenting his DC with gifts in front of mine, weirdly they had bought a pen for my 15 year old but nothing for the younger 2 who were sat there. They then said they had some lip balm they found in a draw and gave my DC one each and DP children 1 each. When they left the room my 4 year old DS asked why he didn’t get a gift as he hadn’t been naughty which to be honest broke my heart (prob over the top but emotionally fragile at the moment).
I have again told him I will not be taking my children there at Xmas as it’s hirtful and if he isn’t willing to speak up then he can explain why we aren’t there. He says my children shouldn’t expect but they have been brought up that NO child is every excluded or left out and his are the most expecting I have ever met! They are only 4 and 6 so don’t think they are being grabby they just saw gifts and when my parents went away every child got exactly the same so why should they think this would be any different.
Am I being over sensitive? I am emotionally struggling at the moment and have a lot on my plate so want everyone’s perspective on this

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 30/09/2018 16:06

I would feel the same as you op.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2018 16:09

No you're right. A token gift is no trouble, and is good manners.

Munchyseeds · 30/09/2018 16:11

I would feel the same as well
Does DP treat us children the same as his?
Can he not talk to his parents?

MrsJayy · 30/09/2018 16:11

I think it is best you don't go to their house if the grandkids are going to be there your little children are feeling left out and don't understand what's going on your dc are never going to be treated equally or looked on as grandchildren sadly

Wearywithteens · 30/09/2018 16:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 30/09/2018 16:11

His mother is a dreadful person. She must know she's upsetting the children and is carrying on anyway. Do you talk to her and can you say, preferably in front of DH, something along the lines of 'it's nice of you to buy things for x and x but it is very hurtful to the others that you are leaving then out. They think of you as their family so no more presents at all if you can't treat them equally'. Then tell her what your 4 year old said. If she doesnt remedy her behaviour after than then honestly I'd cut her off. We are a blended family and I would do exactly s above if necessary.

theworldistoosmall · 30/09/2018 16:12

She might be thinking that things are moving way too fast.
Within 18 months you have introduced everyone to everyone and a wedding planned. She might need time to 'catch up' with everything. It could be that because of the short time together, she hasn't made that bond yet.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:12

Exactly I wasn’t expecting huge hints but a key ring or t shirt coats a few pounds. I am more upset he doesn’t see the issue and now says he isn’t going to say anything as mine shouldn’t expect.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/09/2018 16:13

You are definitely right and he should have the courage to speak to his mum(although she should realise for herself!)

billybagpuss · 30/09/2018 16:13

I would feel the same, DP needs to say something

pacempercutiens · 30/09/2018 16:14

YANBU

It sounds rude and shows a lack of empathy towards how the children would feel about it.

I can't imagine purposely excluding children, especially at 4 and 6 - there are a lot of options for nice gifts that aren't exactly expensive.

I wouldn't be taking my DC there again, its not fair to them and they are very young to be dealing with exclusion from people they may consider to be family (but obviously these people don't consider them family)

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 30/09/2018 16:14

If he won't speak up then why didn't you. Why didn't you just say "oh, did you forget about X and Y?".

Then tell them yourself that you will not be visiting anymore as you are clearly not part of the family.

brokenharbour · 30/09/2018 16:15

They're absolute dicks and so is your dp if he lets them get away with this.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:15

I don’t think she thinks we are moving fast they have been the main influence in our wedding wanting it big and a huge celebration as they feel (there words not mine) I am a good influence on their son and he is in such a better place since meeting me. They have also given a large amount of money for the wedding as couldn’t afford the huge affair

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 30/09/2018 16:15

Btw he is being a total thoughtless arsehole about this and as mumsnetters saying he is showing you who he is.

Thatstheendofmytether · 30/09/2018 16:15

She sound like she doesn't really give a shit who she's upsetting tbh, sometimes selfish people don't realise when they are being selfish.

Wearywithteens · 30/09/2018 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sorry10 · 30/09/2018 16:17

I can see both sides I suppose last Christmas you had not been together long , perhaps they didn't think . when did you get engaged ?
But yes your right they shouldn't leave them out I think he should have a word but I would think they would buy presents for all children this year .

Normaknowall · 30/09/2018 16:17

What was barely plausible when you were dating is not now you are engaged. Personally I think your DMs approach to young children is correct - give every one a small gift as at that age, like your DS, they don't understand all the complicated emotions swirling about and think it's about how they've behaved or offended someone. It's selfish and ill mannered of your DPs mum, normal hospitality would expect visiting children would be considered.
Does she have an issue with you? Was she fond of DP's ex?
Anyway as I said you and your DCs are going to be her son's family too when you marry. Can he quietly make it clear that he expects you to be treated accordingly?
Never understand how people can target children to make 'a point'.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:19

At Easter he visited with all the children as I was at work and he told his mum to buy them something as she only had eggs for his D.C. so she did go out and buy them Easter sweets (mine don’t like chocolate- not 100% they can be related to me) so surely that would act as a huge prompt to her that when they are all there it’s all or nothing and you don’t have little children just sat there with nothing

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2018 16:19

No, you’re right. If he won’t ensure your children are treated well is he the person to be blending families with?

I think it’s reasonable not to expect the same ‘level’ of present, but your children should get nice thoughtful presents when his children do.

18 months together is quite a short amount of time to be engaged, especially when you both have children.

I’d be making some changes.

Knittedfairies · 30/09/2018 16:20

Surely he can see that your mum treats all the children the same? Perhaps he should think about how he would feel if your mum excluded his children the way his does yours.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:22

No Norma they hate his ex and absolutely adore me, have had my family round for BBQs to meet them and got on amazing.
I let Xmas go last year as was first one together and a lot of changes but 9 months on I can’t and won’t expose my children to that

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 30/09/2018 16:22

Your DP needs to make sure that things are fair each time you and your kids are going to his parents place

So .... he needs to call in advance to check.

How sad that his mother can't work out how she should be , all by herself

abbsisspartacus · 30/09/2018 16:24

I would be postponing the wedding until it's sorted any one who feels a four year old and six year old are grabby and shouldn't expect should not expect me to say I do

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