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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP thinks I being pathetic

138 replies

Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:04

Small back story we have been together 18 months, engaged and wedding booked for early 2020. I have 3 DC and he has 2. Mine are with us all apart from every other weekend (2 nights)and we have his 50:50.
Last Xmas we went to his mums Boxing Day and she presented his DC with gifts and nothing for mine (For info his are 8 and 4 and mine are 15, 6 and 4), my younger D.C. were confused and a bit upset as they didn’t understand why they why they didn’t get anything esp as on Xmas day my mum had got them all equal amounts so no one was left out.
I told partner following this I wouldn’t be attending his mother over Xmas again and he could take his children alone to get there gifts and spend time there and he assured me he would talk to her and explain it’s not fair on the children for this to happen so wouldn’t do it again. Not sure if it matters but it’s not a money thing as they have ALOT and I get on really really well with them day to day and have a great relationship apart from this.
Today we went to visit and they had gotten back from holiday. They had no shame in presenting his DC with gifts in front of mine, weirdly they had bought a pen for my 15 year old but nothing for the younger 2 who were sat there. They then said they had some lip balm they found in a draw and gave my DC one each and DP children 1 each. When they left the room my 4 year old DS asked why he didn’t get a gift as he hadn’t been naughty which to be honest broke my heart (prob over the top but emotionally fragile at the moment).
I have again told him I will not be taking my children there at Xmas as it’s hirtful and if he isn’t willing to speak up then he can explain why we aren’t there. He says my children shouldn’t expect but they have been brought up that NO child is every excluded or left out and his are the most expecting I have ever met! They are only 4 and 6 so don’t think they are being grabby they just saw gifts and when my parents went away every child got exactly the same so why should they think this would be any different.
Am I being over sensitive? I am emotionally struggling at the moment and have a lot on my plate so want everyone’s perspective on this

OP posts:

LargeGlassOfPepsi · 30/09/2018 16:26

I don't know how people can do this to children tbh. I have a sgc and there is no way he'd be treated any differently from the rest of them. Your DP needs to be having a firm word with his mother about this.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 16:30

His mother is being a cunt and he needs to be firm with her. Even if she was on a tight budget, you can get little gifts for small kids that only cost a few pence - it is spiteful and harmful to treat children like this, especially if you are inviting them for Christmas FFS.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 16:31

If your DC are part of the family they should be given gifts, if they're not part of the family they don't need to attend Xmas day or other family occasions.

Dairymilkmuncher · 30/09/2018 16:31

YANBU but Speak to them yourself ASAP and find out what's wrong with them

Also judge your DP, let it be clear to him he's wrong and you're disappointed you had to speak to them yourself when he could have so easily - they are his parents.

But if you're getting married then they'll be your family too....

happypoobum · 30/09/2018 16:35

So do you and DP live together? Who looks after his DC when he has them 50/50?

I hate to say this OP but I have had a close friend fall into a relationship like this in a big hurry.

I don't like the sound of your DP and I certainly would not be blending families with him. He doesn't appear to have the required manners, sympathy or interest.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 30/09/2018 16:35

I think his parents have been insensitive. It’s not good manners to hand over gifts in front of people who are not getting gifts, unless it’s a birthday.
But the real, much bigger problem is that you are engaged to marry a man who doesn’t support you, criticises your parenting and thinks your 4 year old is somehow grabby. These are not the sort of views that a good father, stepfather or husband would hold. He is not a catch.

YesitsJacqueline · 30/09/2018 16:36

Actually i would go the other way , but probably be called passive aggressive on here. " happy birthday/ Christmas, the children wanted to give you this gift and the card they made for you "
Not only are you seeing if she has any shame , you are setting an example to everyone how YOU think family should behave .

KnotsInMay · 30/09/2018 16:39

I bet he just doesn't know how to talk to them about it.

And to be fair, they are 'his girlfriends children' and last Christmas it would have been a relatively new relationship.

All he needs to say is "Mum and Dad, as we are planning marriage and will be together throughout these kids growing up we are trying to help the kids feel part of a blended family, and that includes you, so could we make sure that except on birthdays, when one kid gets a present, they all do? You don't need to have savings accounts for my step kids, but just think of including them at Christmas, Easter and holiday time"

It was a bit 'nuclear' to refuse to visit his parents (you say 'Mum' - where is his dad on this?) on the basis of no presents when your relationship was less than a year old, and you could have just talked about it.

HollowTalk · 30/09/2018 16:39

I don't like the sound of your boyfriend, either, OP.

And tbh I don't like his parents at all. I don't like their attitude towards your children and I don't like the way they're throwing money at your wedding. If I were them I'd buy all children the same value gift, then put extra money into my own grandchildren's savings separately. I would want to differentiate but wouldn't do it in the form of gifts handed out.

I'd also rather give my child money to put towards a house/pay off some of the mortgage/have in savings rather than put it towards a huge wedding, especially if he's already divorced and has only known his partner 18 months.

billybagpuss · 30/09/2018 16:42

So DH is refusing to speak to MIL because your 4 yo shouldn't 'expect' a gift?

I think DP is using this as an excuse as he is scared of speaking to his mum. He needs to know that you are not going accept your 4yo thinking he has been naughty at Christmas so you will not be attending and he can tell his mum why.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 30/09/2018 16:42

Id be cutting contact until she can behave like an adult. I feel awful for your poor children and wouldnt be letting them upset my child again.
If your dh cant see the issue i would be reassesing my relationship.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2018 16:47

Cancel the wedding.

Petalflowers · 30/09/2018 16:51

Your kids have only been in their lives a relatively short time, especially last Christmas. I agree that perhaps it was bad form not to get a token gift for them.

However, to refuse to,visit them this Christmas because of that is petty and not going to help,the situation. If you fear the same situation may occur again, then get some presents and wrap them yourself and pretend it’s from dh’s parents.

Maybe dh’s parents will only consider them as grandchildren once you are married.

Original poster

Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:52

I have just spoken to DP and asked him if we are a blended family or not because what happened today will NOT be happening again. My D.C. are not being made to feel like that again and he can’t understand it and talk to his mother and step dad then as my SC I will ensure they are never put in that situation again.

OP posts:

BumDisease · 30/09/2018 16:53

I'd be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to marry into this.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/09/2018 16:53

I'd feel the same. I didn't live with my mother and when I visited she'd give gifts to all her friends kids and not me.

WheelOfMisfortune · 30/09/2018 16:53

‘MIL, I was wondering if there is a reason you are excluding my children from the gift giving as they think they have done something wrong. It will be very difficult for us to come to you for Christmas again if it upsets them. Can I offer you some money to buy some bits for them so they feel Included?’

UpstartCrow · 30/09/2018 16:56

He cant see the problem, you really need to think carefully about going ahead.

Danteinferno · 30/09/2018 17:03

How would he feel if your mother acted the same way? I’m sure he’d be pretty unhappy

Whojimawhatsit · 30/09/2018 17:04

I’m actually shocked that a ‘grandmother’ could treat kids this way. Surely she can see how mean and hurtful this is?

And if your DP is willing to let his family treat your DC differently then you most definitely have a DP problem. A bad one.

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 30/09/2018 17:04

Agree with - wheel,hollow and yesits. Would give her one last chance
And also pack a 'spare' few presents and say something like - 'Oh, sorry MIL, I forgot you gave me these earlier to give to dc.'
I would also inform DP that wedding etc is postponed until he supports you in this

Maccycheesefries · 30/09/2018 17:09

I'd cut my losses and run before it gets significantly worse and it will when you marry your dp. His mum will continue to make it obvious that his dc are her real blood grandchildren and yours are just add ons. I would put my children first and not subject them to this emotional abuse.

Lweji · 30/09/2018 17:10

Clearly both set of granparents view the respective step children differently.
I don't think neither are right or wrong, but I also understand your feelings and the children's.

What would matter more for me here would be how your DP views your children. The rest is accessory and you could explain to the children that that particular set of parents has a more strict view of blood relationships than yours.

Having said that, I think I'd stand my ground and tell DP that if his parents didn't see my children as part of their family (and fair enough), then I didn't think it would be necessary for them to visit said set of grandparents again, except for the odd quick visit.

Another possibility, would be for the children to share all their gifts in front of this set of grandparents, as if they were for all. But your DP would have to encourage this and stand up to his parents.

MrsJane · 30/09/2018 17:11

That’s so spiteful and cruel! I wouldn’t leave adults out like this at Christmas let alone small children!

Red flags regarding your DP for problems like this in future too, about all sorts of things where his dc are the favourites. I’d be having serious doubts about even marrying him now. I wouldn’t want my dc to feel second best.

Lweji · 30/09/2018 17:12

How would they act if your DP had adopted a couple of children?

Does he consider your children also his children? Do you?

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