DP thinks I being pathetic

[Mar1984]

Small back story we have been together 18 months, engaged and wedding booked for early 2020. I have 3 DC and he has 2. Mine are with us all apart from every other weekend (2 nights)and we have his 50:50.
Last Xmas we went to his mums Boxing Day and she presented his DC with gifts and nothing for mine (For info his are 8 and 4 and mine are 15, 6 and 4), my younger D.C. were confused and a bit upset as they didn’t understand why they why they didn’t get anything esp as on Xmas day my mum had got them all equal amounts so no one was left out.
I told partner following this I wouldn’t be attending his mother over Xmas again and he could take his children alone to get there gifts and spend time there and he assured me he would talk to her and explain it’s not fair on the children for this to happen so wouldn’t do it again. Not sure if it matters but it’s not a money thing as they have ALOT and I get on really really well with them day to day and have a great relationship apart from this.
Today we went to visit and they had gotten back from holiday. They had no shame in presenting his DC with gifts in front of mine, weirdly they had bought a pen for my 15 year old but nothing for the younger 2 who were sat there. They then said they had some lip balm they found in a draw and gave my DC one each and DP children 1 each. When they left the room my 4 year old DS asked why he didn’t get a gift as he hadn’t been naughty which to be honest broke my heart (prob over the top but emotionally fragile at the moment).
I have again told him I will not be taking my children there at Xmas as it’s hirtful and if he isn’t willing to speak up then he can explain why we aren’t there. He says my children shouldn’t expect but they have been brought up that NO child is every excluded or left out and his are the most expecting I have ever met! They are only 4 and 6 so don’t think they are being grabby they just saw gifts and when my parents went away every child got exactly the same so why should they think this would be any different.
Am I being over sensitive? I am emotionally struggling at the moment and have a lot on my plate so want everyone’s perspective on this

And this will only get worse when you marry, but she is not your DC GM and kids should not be so entitled

Your children are not "entitled and grabby", they are rightfully confused at why their step siblings are presented with gifts right in front of them, and they get nothing.

These are occasions when you would expect to all receive something. Easter and Christmas!

Bloody hell! It seems like your MIL is trying to start a fight. Are his parents tight with their money? Or just thoughtless?

They are trying to tell you something, OP. They don't view your DCs as part of the family. I would be running a mile.

I wouldn't visit again. As an adult I was once invited (by letter as well!) to my boyfriends family's christmas. Everyone received multiple presents and I got nothing. I felt so humiliated and excluded. It's not about the tat, but that people think so little of you.

I wouldn't visit for Christmas, and I wouldn't marry a person who was happy to see my children treated as second class citizens.

I wouldn't visit for Christmas, and I wouldn't marry a person who was happy to see my children treated as second class citizens.

Yep

Maybe think about what your reaction would have been if your parents had treated his kids this way. It is a huge red flag your DP is not reacting the same way. Consider if you want to marry someone who has very different parenting values to you.

Don’t underestimate the emotional impact things like this will have on your DC.

PrickWhittington Thank you!

I have been with my husband 8y. He has an 11yo and I have a 16yo, both are from previous relationships.

My MIL ignores my DD at Xmas and birthdays but will buy her biological GD many gifts on each occasion.

I now visit MIL as little as possible and I'm distant over WhatsApp. We see her approx once every 18months and tbh even this is too much for me (I do however grin and bear it!)

In stark contrast my DM informed me that she has just recently changed her will. She wants all her GC to have something when she passes including my 11yo SD.

The only person to lose out in this whole situation is my MIL. Her actions have distanced her from myself and my DH. Rather than spending time being a loving blended family, she has created a divide that will never be forgotten. Likewise when our baby is born in April, i won't be rushing to visit nor promoting any relationship - they will have to do the running.

I suggest doing the minimum required and not rising to the bad behaviour. Likewise have extra treats in you bag to provide substitute gifts and do not feel shame in treating your children in front of her to compensate being ignored!!!

I thought you said your DP told you he would talk to his mother? So either he lied to you and hasn't done it, or the mother doesn't care. Regardless, it doesn't auger well that he is marrying you and thus your children and thinks of them as less. I would definitely give him an ultimatum about this. Then again, I would re-think marrying such a cold, unfeeling and utterly unthinking person REGARDLESS of what the outcome is, because he shouldn't need to be told this is wrong. That he (and his mother) don't recognise this, does not say anything good about them. Even if things improve and a positive outcome occurs, it will always be in the back of my mind that he treated my kids as less and broke their hearts. Your kids will never forget it, either. I hate to say it, but I'd LTB. If he has to be prompted how to behave like a decent human being, it doesn't say much for him over-all.

I would feel the same as you. Your partner's parents are being very insensitive. I honestly don't understand the attitude! I would treat all the children the same in their position, maybe not big presents for any of them. When it comes to settling money on grandchildren, that's different and private but giving out gifts must be a level playing field.

Stepgrands are often lovely, almost an unexpected surprise and should be cherished for their own sakes.

Huge.Red.Flag.

Please don’t rush ahead with marriage. I truly think you should give it a few more years to be sure he’s truly committed to being a team and that all the children are treated fairly by everyone, before marrying him.

My dh's extended family do this. Expect us to turn up every year but never have anything for my dc. My dh has now told them it's shit and we don't go anymore.

I think the parents were being a bit tight and insensitive, but do not deserve some of the names on here. However much you feel you all get on your children are NOT their grandchildren and they are showing you in no uncertain terms.

Going over on boxing day, was asking for trouble. Surely, you knew the grandparetns would have had presents for their own grandchildren. You should have sorted this out prior to the visit - or your partner should have seen them without you and your kids in tow.

You clearly had learnt your lesson by Easter, reminding them to get eggs/sweets but it seems but it seems his parents are not planning to invest in your children. You can't force them - perhaps it will change once you are married but YOU must protect them from feeling left out. Check before hand if gifts/tokens are being planned. Your partner needs to say, 'please, not in front of the other children'. Prior to every visit if needs be.

Token gifts seem awkward, see posters up thread saying she got something small and the grandchild got a massive doll, or other had a bag of sweets opposed to the pile of gifts. I am someone who always has a well stocked present box on the go, and I would have no problems giving a gift because I wouldn't want anyone, especially children to feel left out but would I spend more on my grandchildren - probably? I would assume, those children would be having gifts from the other side of their family. Its unreasonable to expect your partners parents to treat them the same as your children when they don't feel the same about them. You need to shield YOUR children from this type of situation.