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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP thinks I being pathetic

138 replies

Mar1984 · 30/09/2018 16:04

Small back story we have been together 18 months, engaged and wedding booked for early 2020. I have 3 DC and he has 2. Mine are with us all apart from every other weekend (2 nights)and we have his 50:50.
Last Xmas we went to his mums Boxing Day and she presented his DC with gifts and nothing for mine (For info his are 8 and 4 and mine are 15, 6 and 4), my younger D.C. were confused and a bit upset as they didn’t understand why they why they didn’t get anything esp as on Xmas day my mum had got them all equal amounts so no one was left out.
I told partner following this I wouldn’t be attending his mother over Xmas again and he could take his children alone to get there gifts and spend time there and he assured me he would talk to her and explain it’s not fair on the children for this to happen so wouldn’t do it again. Not sure if it matters but it’s not a money thing as they have ALOT and I get on really really well with them day to day and have a great relationship apart from this.
Today we went to visit and they had gotten back from holiday. They had no shame in presenting his DC with gifts in front of mine, weirdly they had bought a pen for my 15 year old but nothing for the younger 2 who were sat there. They then said they had some lip balm they found in a draw and gave my DC one each and DP children 1 each. When they left the room my 4 year old DS asked why he didn’t get a gift as he hadn’t been naughty which to be honest broke my heart (prob over the top but emotionally fragile at the moment).
I have again told him I will not be taking my children there at Xmas as it’s hirtful and if he isn’t willing to speak up then he can explain why we aren’t there. He says my children shouldn’t expect but they have been brought up that NO child is every excluded or left out and his are the most expecting I have ever met! They are only 4 and 6 so don’t think they are being grabby they just saw gifts and when my parents went away every child got exactly the same so why should they think this would be any different.
Am I being over sensitive? I am emotionally struggling at the moment and have a lot on my plate so want everyone’s perspective on this

OP posts:
Candlelights2345 · 30/09/2018 17:13

I’m with you, it wouldn’t kill them to buy a £1 bag of sweets each would it? Sadly It looks like they are making a point here.

Howhot · 30/09/2018 17:15

Personally I can't see the issue with last Christmas, you'd only been together 9 months?? Very early days for introducing children and announcing yourself as a "blended family". But the fact your boyfriend can't see the issue even now when you have a wedding booked would be upsetting. I think he's just trying to avoid an awkward conversation. Can't you speak to them?

HisBetterHalf · 30/09/2018 17:18

It's not being pathetic, its not fair on the children

safetyfreak · 30/09/2018 17:18

I would not be happy either OP.

I understand if they wouldn't want spend as much on your children BUT like another poster said, a bag of sweets or some small gift would be the polite thing to do.

UnicornSparkles1 · 30/09/2018 17:19

I personally wouldn't be able to stay with a man who didn't see the issue with this. It's a sign of what's to come OP. Every occasion, every celebration, every Christmas period will be the same. And your DP thinks that's absolutely fine and that it's your kids who are at fault.

Big giant red flag.

Figlessfig · 30/09/2018 17:20

So your prospective MIL thinks your children aren’t worth anything, and your DP agrees.

I can think of no other rational explanation for this behaviour. They want you, but they don’t want your kids.

Are you sure you want to marry this man? Do you want your children to think you agree with DP and MIL that they’re not wanted?

hibbledibble · 30/09/2018 17:22

Yanbu

The only possible excuse I can imagine for this is if she didn't know your dc would be coming. Even in this case, it would have been polite to defer gift giving so children weren't left out.

This is symptomatic of far bigger issues.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/09/2018 17:29

I couldn't do that to any child, even a kid off the street. It's so cruel and young kids don't understand.

Don't have a baby with this man, incase you were thinking it.

I assume the parents are delighted he has a partner to look after his kids.

Creas35 · 30/09/2018 17:31

I remember it happened to me as a child, my step sister got a doll from her grandparents and I didn’t get anything, I’m 35 now and still remember so it stays with you! I don’t think you are over reacting by saying you won’t have them round there but you do need to say something and give them a chance to change it. Poor kids just sitting there with nothing 😢😢 that’s so sad!! Hope it gets sorted!

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 30/09/2018 17:32

That’s big! Amd it wouod make me reassess the whole wedding/relationship tbh.
No way I would stay long term with someone who think it’s ok to treat my own dcs as second class citizens/children whilst expecting (because I’m sure he would be very upset if HIS children didn’t receive anything) his dcs to be treated the same as yours.

Could you have a word with his parents yourself as he clearly doesn’t have the balls to do it?
And how is he with your dcs vs his dcs on a day to day basis?

Therealjudgejudy · 30/09/2018 17:33

This is wrong on so many levels. It's just the sign of things to come. Think very hard about your future with this man

BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2018 17:34

YANBU.

Your DH's mum is a thoughtless cow and your DH shouldn't be defending her behaviour. He should be pulling her up on it. Firmly.

I wouldn't go at Christmas either, or any other time when gifts might be on offer frankly. WHat an awful human being.

TwitterQueen1 · 30/09/2018 17:34

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you are over-reacting and your DP's parents do not deserve the abuse they are getting on here. And I will also say that these expectations that everyone should be equal in blended families cause many problems. Everyone is NOT equal to different members of the extended family and they never will be. The grandparents will never feel the same way about your DC and neither will your DH.

Yes, it was thoughtless. Yes, they should have bought a little something for your DCs. No, your DP should not be calling you pathetic. Yes, your DP should be more aware of the situation and take steps to ensure your DCs are not put in this position again. I too would avoid going round there at Christmas this year.

In your opinion, does your DP treat your DCs fairly and equally- in the same way that he treats his own? That is the real issue here.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/09/2018 17:35

Does he actually like your kids?
He doesn't mind them being hurt and upset.
Sounds like a right catch.

Butterflycookie · 30/09/2018 17:43

Why can’t you talk to your mother in law? If they adore you so much surely you will be able to ask her? She might just be oblivious so just spell it out to her.

Cloudyapples · 30/09/2018 17:44

Op can I ask what you mean by emotionally struggling atm? As I’m wondering, while they see you as a great influence on him is he the same for you? If he doesn’t support you and this is the kind of family he comes from, are you sure you want to marry into it and set your kids up for a life of feeling excluded?

NatureIs · 30/09/2018 17:48

I have an adult family member who this has happened to since they were a child and although they shrug it off now, it did hurt them and I think it still does. Doing this to children is pathetic. I don't think it'll ever stop if their attitude doesn't change by Christmas.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 30/09/2018 17:52

I think this sounds awful.
My brother met his wife when she was a single parent with a four year old. My Mum and Dad treated him like all their other grandchildren right from the word go. As far as they are re concerned he is their grandson and they love treating him as such. At Xmas time and on birthdays he always gets presents from them and from all his new found Aunties and Uncle.

Children don’t understand and I think it’s odd that someone could give presents out to children while ignoring the others, it’s more than just ignorance, it’s horrible and your DP needs to take it seriously. How would he feel if the situuati9ns were reveresed?

billybagpuss · 30/09/2018 17:55

What did he say when you spoke to him OP. Hope you're ok

rosinavera · 30/09/2018 18:16

TwitterQueen - the DP's parents absolutely DO deserve the abuse they are getting on here! These are children! How could anyone do that!

IABURQO · 30/09/2018 18:17

I agree with @MrsJane, and no adult would even be treated like that at my family's Christmas. My mum and aunt have also been known to cunningly rummage about and produce a gift for unexpected visitors; adult and child. I'm in the habit of keeping a few spare presents in the house too. It's just not right and I really don't like how your DP turned this around into the kids being "grabby"; it's just normal at that age for all the kids to be given a gift at Christmas or from a holiday (or none from the holiday). You need to think long and hard about how well you know this man and what motivates his family. They've said the nice words about you, but are your children welcome in this family or not? And what kind of people would accept a woman into their family with open arms but not her children?

sunshinemantra · 30/09/2018 18:26

I think you need to sit down and have a chat with your ILs to be over a cup of a tea. It may be there are just forgetful, not quite in the swing of it yet?? I am trying to be kind.

My ILs included my DS from day 1, they have never left him off Christmas or holiday presents. We are all one family.

The rest of that side of the family is the same, and that is the way it should be - especially with very young children.

MrsMozart · 30/09/2018 18:39

Ouch OP.

I can't imagine doing that to someone, child or adult, and nor would any of my extended family in either direction.

I never met any of my step-grand parents or relatives. If I hadn't had such a strong, albeit slightly dysfunctional, family and effectively turning my face from, it I'd've been very sad about it.

Thebluedog · 30/09/2018 18:46

Your dp needs to grow a pair and stick up for his step children. If he’s marrying you, Your dc come as part of the package! If your mil to be pulls this stunt again, your step children (your dh dc) need to share anything that’s given to them!!

However, I’d not be taking the dc there again, I’d also be tempted to buy your parents something at the wedding, present it to them as part of the speeches and do nothing for your new PIL, but that’s just me Grin

MaryandMichael · 30/09/2018 18:52

You're planning to marry someone (with bookings already) that you've known for eighteen months? And you have five children between you? Well, good luck. It's my idea of hell but you seem to want it.

His parents aren't ready to accept your children. You are right to keep your children away from them.