DP thinks I being pathetic

[Mar1984]

Small back story we have been together 18 months, engaged and wedding booked for early 2020. I have 3 DC and he has 2. Mine are with us all apart from every other weekend (2 nights)and we have his 50:50.
Last Xmas we went to his mums Boxing Day and she presented his DC with gifts and nothing for mine (For info his are 8 and 4 and mine are 15, 6 and 4), my younger D.C. were confused and a bit upset as they didn’t understand why they why they didn’t get anything esp as on Xmas day my mum had got them all equal amounts so no one was left out.
I told partner following this I wouldn’t be attending his mother over Xmas again and he could take his children alone to get there gifts and spend time there and he assured me he would talk to her and explain it’s not fair on the children for this to happen so wouldn’t do it again. Not sure if it matters but it’s not a money thing as they have ALOT and I get on really really well with them day to day and have a great relationship apart from this.
Today we went to visit and they had gotten back from holiday. They had no shame in presenting his DC with gifts in front of mine, weirdly they had bought a pen for my 15 year old but nothing for the younger 2 who were sat there. They then said they had some lip balm they found in a draw and gave my DC one each and DP children 1 each. When they left the room my 4 year old DS asked why he didn’t get a gift as he hadn’t been naughty which to be honest broke my heart (prob over the top but emotionally fragile at the moment).
I have again told him I will not be taking my children there at Xmas as it’s hirtful and if he isn’t willing to speak up then he can explain why we aren’t there. He says my children shouldn’t expect but they have been brought up that NO child is every excluded or left out and his are the most expecting I have ever met! They are only 4 and 6 so don’t think they are being grabby they just saw gifts and when my parents went away every child got exactly the same so why should they think this would be any different.
Am I being over sensitive? I am emotionally struggling at the moment and have a lot on my plate so want everyone’s perspective on this

Day to day he is amazing with my children and they truely adore him and both take a long time to warm to people. He plays with them, does school projects and teaches them things such as riding a bike. He also makes sure he takes and collects them from school at least once a week around work as they ask him to, if able he will go to reading mornings and events too, has also done school trips on his day off. If I doubted his day to day care towards them he wouldn’t be here to be honest, that’s part of the reason I was so angry today as I honestly don’t think he saw the issue. I have calmed down and explained to him and why it’s not acceptable and he is going to speak to his mother this week- is going to go round and discuss it rather than text.
If he doesn’t I will go round my self next weekend and broach it (am working long shifts all week and my children and SC are with there other parents next weekend so won’t over hear.

Hmm, I can see both sides of this tbh, and it is one of the reasons I think blended families are a bad idea in general.

I totally agree that your DCs feeling left out is a horrible experience for them, but I do think you played a part in this through your choice to enter into a new relationship while you have young DCs.

I know in the very Woke environment of MN that this is an unfashionable view, but I would never enter into a relationship with a man with young DCs. Likewise, were my own marriage to break down I would certainly wait until my DCs had left home before becoming seriously involved with another man.

I do see your point OP, please don't get me wrong, I just think you have made questionable choices which have put your MIL in an awkward spot.

Should she be managing this better? Yes, she probably should, but I think you do need to take some responsibility here too.

My fragile mental state is due to a huge incident at work not anything thats my fault but I am a huge witness so have solicitor and court for it coming soon, plus some health issue for myself and a close family member which has caught up with me. He is fully supportive of that and looks after me, the house and children around work as much as possible

good luck let us know how he gets on.

Do your DC's paternal grandparents play any part in their life? Just wondering if DP/his parents think the DC get gifts from them.

Do your children have their own grandparents? To be honest I think I would do the same as your future MIL. I know your children are only young but they aren’t her GC. I’m sure your parents & your ex’s parents must already buy gifts for your children? I don’t expect anyone to give my child gifts but if they do it’s a bonus. I can’t imagine they’ll be emotionally scarred about this when they’re older.

I honestly think that this is why we have a generation of very entitled children. They have their own grandchildren to buy for. Perhaps if they start spending more time with your children & develop a relationship they’ll start buying them gifts.

Mine only have my parents as ExH have both died- partners children have 4 sets as both his and theirs mums parents split and then married

Why don't you just wait OP? Casually date this man for a few years and then consider marriage once these issues are no longer on the table?

Do you genuinely think this impending marriage is in your DC's best interests?

OP I really don't think you should marry this man. You'll regret it.

He either doesn't care enough about you and your DC's feelings, or have the bollocks to stand up to his DM's dreadful behaviour. Or both, which I suspect is the case.

I had years of similar nonsense from my ex. A hell of a lot of time wasted with a weak man who wasn't worth it, and his petty, small minded family. Don't make the same mistake.

I’d not get his parents anything as they arnt technically your parents soooo

I just think you have made questionable choices which have put your MIL in an awkward spot

@ManorGreyhound- What - like having to buy a token gift so 2 young children don't get made to feel unwanted or unworthy? Yes, the poor, poor woman .... .

And why is it HER choices that have put the 'MIL' in an awkward spot, not her own son's?

I think you'll find it's not because you're on MN that your ideas are 'unfashionable', it's because it's not still the 1950's ffs..

I think it’s interesting that his parents hate his Ex and prefer you to the point they’re paying for the wedding of a woman who has only known their DS 18 months and has three kids?

I wonder why she’s his ex and why they hate her? Maybe this whole family including DP who you haven’t known long enough to know his full true colours are wrong’uns and the ex wasn’t taking any of their emotional bullying. I’d postpone the wedding for now and get to know these people including DP a lot better.

Had OP waited until her DCs had left home, this situation would never have happened, her DCs wouldn't have felt unwanted or unworthy.

I feel for you op. My dsc are not treated like family with their step dad's family. I am not even sure they have ever even received a card from them. They are similar ages to your eldest so do understand, doesn't make it any less horrid for them though. And their steodad has been on scene for 6 years or more (was other man)

My parents see it as them having 6 grandkids (my dsis has 3, my dd and both dsc) and treat all the kids the same.

My fil on the other hand will give my dsc pocket money every time he sees them but never my dd, and she is his blodd family as she is dps (his son). It never bothered me much when she was a baby that he treated them differently but she is 5 now and she sees the difference. For example, dss mowed the grass this weekend and dd and dsd cleaned the bathroom for him and tidied his room, collected his washing etc. He gave dss and dsd £20 each and ignored dd completely. Now she is 5 so I have no expectation that she should get £20, but she would be elated at £2 but it simply doesn't occur to him. Mind saying that, he doesn't thank me for the hours a week I spend cleaning his house, doing his washing, taking him out, doing his shopping, managing his bills... The list goes on.

Your dp absolutely has to address this. there can be no two tier system in a blended household or it is asking for trouble. Everyone treated the same, whether that is gifts, pocket money, discipline, meal choices.

If he cannot see this then please postpone the wedding. You cannot commit to a life where your kids are seen as second class.

Please ignore posters who think you have no right to remarry until your kids have left home (at the earliest). God that annoys me it's so fucking absurd. I'm a step daughter and a step mother. My step mum is still fucking ace and transformed my life. Thank god she married my dad and took the 4 of us on (plus her 2).

he doesn’t see the issue and now says he isn’t going to say anything as mine shouldn’t expect.
Your main issue seems to be that you don’t seem to have the same parenting styles/values. The fact that you have had to ask him to speak to his mum speaks volumes. He should have been equally upset/embarrassed the first time it happened and dealt with it.

manor you cant seriously be suggesting that single mum's should be alone for 18 years just to avoid putting potential MILs in an "awkward spot". (FYI its only an awkward spot for a selfish arsehole).
Your opinions on blended families are ridiculously outdated.

had OP waited until her DC’s left home, this situation would never have happened

Are you for real? you are seriously suggesting OP not get into a relationship until her Children have left home!!

Had OP waited until her DCs had left home, this situation would never have happened, her DCs wouldn't have felt unwanted or unworthy

Same if this woman's DS hadn't decided to meet a woman with DC's of her own though surely? Or - if she wasn't a small minded, mean arsehole?

Very hurtful .I wouldn't visit at christmas

That is unkind behaviour from his parents.
My son married a woman with 3 children and then they had one together. I so wanted to buy the baby lots of things but I couldn't afford to buy the 3 older children lots of things, so I bought all the children something. I would never favour the youngest grandchild over the older step grandchildren.

I agree with pp that I can see both sides. They aren’t their Grandchildren, and they probably want their own Grandchildren to feel special to them.
However I also think it is mean to give out presents in front of very small children unless it is a birthday. They can spoil their own grandchildren but should also have bought a smaller gift for each of yours.
Can’t you explain to your dcs that they are getting presents from their Granny ? Maybe your parents could also give more special gifts to your dcs and then it is fair all round ?

Are you for real? you are seriously suggesting OP not get into a relationship until her Children have left home!!

Quite. That it is wrong to want any type of relationship until all DC's have grown up. From someone who is happily married, of course

Very unkind behaviour. 4 and 6 are too young to understand and nuances in the family relationships and dynamics but not too young to recognise unkindness. Adults can be very cruel to kids. Could they not think of your DC in the same way they think of any nieces and nephews (or are they mean to them too?) It only costs a few pounds to get a token gift.
I wouldn’t leave out any child who came to us at Christmas. (Have in the past bought a small gift for a friend’s DSS we’d never met before so he didn’t feel left out when we were swapping kids’ presents.)