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AUBI ? pregnant with new partner VERY soon, could this work?

126 replies

Meetmeonamonday · 30/09/2018 14:45

I am currently finding myself with a very serious decision to make and need some input from some wise/kind/caring honest people please.

In December 2017 I split from my husband of 9 years we have 3 wonderful DC together. So far we have been managing to co-parent reasonably well and we feel with our combined efforts the damage to our children has hopefully been minimal. There has been a lot of hurt on both sides as one would expect from a seperation but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do, for many reasons I will not go into on this thread for fear of sidetracking. We have not started official divorce preceedings yet, me because i feel I was happy to wait the two years and him because I think at times he hopes for a chance of reconciling but I have been very clear and polite about it all along that that just won’t be happening.

Back in July I started talking to a man that I dated when we were teens, we dated for years and were very happy, separating in our late teens as we both grew in different directions and wanted different things out of our 20s, it was amicable when we split. We have only this month starting ‘seeing’ each other and it feels wonderful. It feels exciting and new but at the same time we know so much about each other that remains unchanged. I was just getting my head around the possibility of having to tell ex DH I am dating who I am, as well as old friends and family that would have remembered us as as a couple from before. I am a BIG worrier of other people opinions.

However the real issue here is that I have just found out I am pregnant. This is obviously a huge surprise and far from ideal but we are stuck with a dilemma as I am sure this is just too much too soon, think of the uproar it would cause. Logistically I do feel I could manage a DC4 as I am very organised and hands on, however I can’t help but think this is ridiculous and I have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

New partner very much wants the child and is extremely excited about the idea of throwing himself into my family life and becoming a family man, however I think he doesn’t really know what he will let himself in for!!!!!

Please help me!!!

OP posts:
LittUp · 30/09/2018 14:46

Don't worry about what anyone thinks of your situation! If you & your new partner are both happy with this then it's nobody else's business! Congratulations to you all & all the best for your future Thanks

Loopytiles · 30/09/2018 14:47

Having DC4 at this time is likely to have negative impacts on your 3 existing DC. by far the most likely outcome is that you will be a single parent with 4DC.

Loopytiles · 30/09/2018 14:48

You don’t actually know your new bf well at all - dating him in your teens doesn’t mean you know him well.

MsVestibule · 30/09/2018 14:52

Well, it COULD work if the father of your new baby was happy to turn his life upside down and take on a stepfather role whilst becoming a new father.

Of course he doesn't know what he'd be letting himself in for, but do you get the impression that he is the sort to take his commitments seriously? If you didn't terminate your pregnancy and he didn't hang around, would you be able to deal with four children by yourself?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/09/2018 14:53

I’m with Loopytiles. Obviously only you can make a decision but I think there are many more negatives to what could happen with a new baby than positives. The only positive could potentially be the actual baby.

reallybadidea · 30/09/2018 14:53

It might work, it might not. I would hazard a guess that having a new baby so early on in your relationship is more likely to add intolerable stress than bring you together. I can't imagine that it's likely to be particularly positive for your children either. Of course they might like having a baby sibling but without question you will have less physical and emotional energy for them. I think the balance of probabilities is that it's not a great idea tbh.

serbska · 30/09/2018 14:54

I’ll put good money on your new DP not lasting the course and you being a single mother with four children rather than three.

crunchtime · 30/09/2018 14:55

i think this would be absolutely disastrous for your children

IABURQO · 30/09/2018 14:56

It is very soon for your kids. What do your children think of him right now? It seems a bit soon even for an introduction, do they know him from being friends before? What ages are they and did they understand you're dating?

GinDoll · 30/09/2018 14:57

Been there done that still happily married to the father of my fourth child who was a double birth control fail after having been together one month!!! Good luck OP

Meetmeonamonday · 30/09/2018 14:58

Crunchtime my gut tells me you are absolutely right there. Which is alone enough to make me more than 90% sure now is most definitely not the time. But I just cannot enter into this lightly without weighing up all options

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/09/2018 14:59

To be honest, any man who thought this was a good idea so quickly needs his head examining! He's got to get used to your children first, before thinking of having a new baby.

CountessVonBoobs · 30/09/2018 15:00

So you've been split less than a year and your XH still doesn't believe it's really over. Your kids are struggling with the separation. You're pregnant to a man you've been dating four weeks tops and you know from teenage years only.

Honestly? The chances of this working out in any real way are absolutely miniscule. How is your new relationship love-bubble going to cope with the stresses of a pregnancy plus learning to live together plus your new DP being stepfather to three unhappy children? It almost certainly isn't, and you'll be navigating all this alone with a new baby. Even if you and your new BF stick together, your existing DC are going to feel horribly upset, resentful and displaced.

I would terminate for the impact on my existing DC alone.

GinDoll · 30/09/2018 15:01

PS should say though that my husband always points out he didn't quite get what he was letting himself in for and that I've made him grey... i point out he's lucky I married him since he's clearly an idiot who didn't run away and that if roles were reversed I'd have been off like a shot 😁seriously though, it was a big adjustment for both of us, I was happy being a single mum and he was happy with his life but we are very happy now. When I found out I was pregnant I did tell him he could walk away and there would be no hard feelings. 😁

Miggeldy · 30/09/2018 15:03

How old are your kids?
A baby with a man they don't really know at all doesn't sound great and I think it will be like a bomb hit your kids.
Have they actually met this man?
I couldn't be positive about this as it has disaster written all over it.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 30/09/2018 15:03

From a legal point of view, you were looking at a petition on the grounds of two years separation with consent. Presumably with each of you paying your own costs.

Be prepared for your (so far) amenable husband to stop being so amenable, particularly as his hopes for a reconciliation have gone out of the window. He could petition for your adultery, naming your new partner as co-respondent and seeking that you both pay his costs.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/09/2018 15:04

I also agree it would be extremely unfair on your dc you already have you haven’t even split from their df a year and pregnant to another man they don’t even know.

EvaHarknessRose · 30/09/2018 15:05

I think you should go for specialist counselling, because this is a big decision that has big but not insurmountable ramifications either way.

We can’t steer you, it would not be fair.

Thighofrelief · 30/09/2018 15:07

Very tough call, I'm sorry for you that you're in this dilemma. If you sit down calmly and picture your life in 5 years is it at all possible you will be back with X after breathing space? Can you see yourself permanently with new bf? Can you imagine yourself happy as Larry with 4DC instead of 3 but as an SP, which you already are anyway.

0ccamsRazor · 30/09/2018 15:11

I would put your 3 dc first, there is no way I would throw anything else at them at this point in their lives, even if I really wanted another child.

Mari50 · 30/09/2018 15:16

Incredibly difficult situation and only you can decide what to do ultimately.
In your situation there’s no way I’d proceed with the pregnancy, i’d be concentrating on the children I already have and their happiness than bringing this crashing into their lives.

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2018 15:16

The only thing I’d be thinking of is the impact in my existing children - they’ve been through the mill. Personally I’d not be having the baby.


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Hoppinggreen · 30/09/2018 15:17

Very difficult choice but I think this would be devastating for your children, especially since your up until now reasonable husband will probably not be so reasonable any more when he finds out
I’m afraid WILL be judged for this by mutual friends and family ( not fair I know) and of the new man legs it in the face of 3 kids that are not his, a new baby, an irate husband and the condemnation of a lot of people he knows you will be on your own with 4dc facing a difficult divorce.
Even given all that if you think you could cope, ask your self if your dc could

Pompom42 · 30/09/2018 15:27

I've been in this position. Was only with new partner 3 months before I got pregnant, it didn't work out unfortunately but that was more down to him and the amount of lies that he'd told. I ended up having the baby as he did agree to it at the time, and I look back now and see I made a lot of bad choices but glad I decided to keep the baby.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/09/2018 15:31

OP, this a decision that you need to take ALONE and you ALONE will take responsibility for what would happen next, some of which are:

  • it is very likely to do up with the balance you and your exH have created for your kids at this difficult time. He will be hurt and if things go nasty between you, the kids will suffer

  • most separated people starts divorce proceedings once there are new partners. Bear in mind that if your new man is interested in getting himself into family mode straight away, the separation of assets will be far more complex, especially as your ex (and the courts) consider that your accommodation and financial needs are partially solved by your new partnerships. This can potentially affect how much you get to provide for your 3 children if your ex feels he shouldn’t be providing for a fourth.

  • You don’t know if this guy is going to stay around, you know there were substantial things that made you split and you have only dated him for a short time.

In a nutshell, I would say that you need to see this as if you were going ahead with it without the help of the new man, as the chances of him staying put when all the stress of the divorce and the demands of a new baby kick in are not high.

Does he knows your 3 children, will he treat them like if they were their own? Obviously his first concern would be his own kid but you need to ensure that your kids are treated as equals in a new family setting and to be honest, it is not exactly easy to find that.

Best of luck! I would probably keep the baby because it would be my own child but, having being left holding the baby on my very very own after a 10 year marriage to his dad, I have got a bit cynical about what to expect of men.
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