AUBI ? pregnant with new partner VERY soon, could this work?

[Meetmeonamonday]

I am currently finding myself with a very serious decision to make and need some input from some wise/kind/caring honest people please.

In December 2017 I split from my husband of 9 years we have 3 wonderful DC together. So far we have been managing to co-parent reasonably well and we feel with our combined efforts the damage to our children has hopefully been minimal. There has been a lot of hurt on both sides as one would expect from a seperation but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do, for many reasons I will not go into on this thread for fear of sidetracking. We have not started official divorce preceedings yet, me because i feel I was happy to wait the two years and him because I think at times he hopes for a chance of reconciling but I have been very clear and polite about it all along that that just won’t be happening.

Back in July I started talking to a man that I dated when we were teens, we dated for years and were very happy, separating in our late teens as we both grew in different directions and wanted different things out of our 20s, it was amicable when we split. We have only this month starting ‘seeing’ each other and it feels wonderful. It feels exciting and new but at the same time we know so much about each other that remains unchanged. I was just getting my head around the possibility of having to tell ex DH I am dating who I am, as well as old friends and family that would have remembered us as as a couple from before. I am a BIG worrier of other people opinions.

However the real issue here is that I have just found out I am pregnant. This is obviously a huge surprise and far from ideal but we are stuck with a dilemma as I am sure this is just too much too soon, think of the uproar it would cause. Logistically I do feel I could manage a DC4 as I am very organised and hands on, however I can’t help but think this is ridiculous and I have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

New partner very much wants the child and is extremely excited about the idea of throwing himself into my family life and becoming a family man, however I think he doesn’t really know what he will let himself in for!!!!!


Please help me!!!

[needsahouseboy]

Didn't work out for me either. DIdn't know him or the amount of lies I'd been fed.
My advice do not give his surname to your baby. Worse mistake I ever made tbh and the registrar double checked me that I was sure I wanted him to have his name.

[fantasmasgoria1]

My mum became pregnant after only a month of meeting my father. I was born , they got married and then they had my brother. They stayed together until my dad died. They made it work because of us but if mum had not have gotten pregnant i don't think they would have stayed together long term. Also there were no other children to consider. It could work but everything needs to be carefully considered and talked about as you don't know one another very well at this stage. Good luck whatever you decide to do op!

[MsHopey]

This happened to someone i know. She's keeping the baby.
I judged her, but not getting pregnant soon after meeting someone, but clearly not putting her existing children first in a confusing and vulnerable time for them.
I know after the fact it's easier to just say it would have been better to have not happened so soon, and I know some people are strongly against abortions.
But to me the kids you already have are going to be confused, and probably still just getting their heads around the separation, I don't think they need to feel the rug pulled from under themselves again.
And new borns take a lot of work, your kids need your attention now and a new baby will take time away from them. I know that's the same for everyone that have more kids but it's probably just not the best time for it right now.

[Haireverywhere]

I am with @Loopytiles and worry about your three children.

[AriadnePersephoneCloud]

Why does everyone assume the three existing children will be upset. Maybe they'll be excited, pleased or a while myriad of emotions. When this happened to me mine were excited and couldn't wait to name the baby (that was a hard no from me). Also some children don't want siblings regardless of parentage but don't get a choice. My nice proclaimed her life was over when her mum and dad were expecting another. She was going to "hate it" and never talk to it. My friends little girl was similar. Children don't get to decide on siblings.

[Fatasfook]

What this boils down to is do YOU want the baby? Not your parent, not you kids, you.
Your kids will adapt. Your partner may or may not stick around. But at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with it if you terminate when in your heart you want the baby. So be true to what you want.

[Fatasfook]

Partner. Not parent

[Pompom42]

Fatasfook best advice I've seen on this thread so far

[HildaZelda]

It's a hard one OP. It happened to a friend of mine a few years ago and it worked for her. She met a man in January, was pregnant by March and had the baby in December. They're still together and are getting married soon.
However both of them were single at the time and neither of them had any other children, so a slightly different scenario.
It's good that your new man is being positive about it, but it will be very confusing for your other DC's. How well do you think they would adjust to the idea of a new sibling?

As for your ex hoping you'll get back together, given that that's not likely now, how do you think he will react, as in will he cause any trouble that will affect your DC's?

Best of luck whatever you do OP.

[LassWiADelicateAir]

As my mother said at the time, once she got over the shock, “There’s always room in a family for another wee baby.”

That has to be some of the worst advice I've seen on MN.

Your main concern should be your existing children.

Back in July I started talking to a man that I dated when we were teens, we dated for years and were very happy, separating in our late teens as we both grew in different directions and wanted different things out of our 20s

You were basically school children with teenage crushes.

[LassWiADelicateAir]

However both of them were single at the time and neither of them had any other children, so a slightly different scenario

slightly different doesn't begin to describe it.

[Haireverywhere]

To the posters saying kids adapt that is of course true. But these kids are still adapting to the separation of their parents and mum's new partner and new baby is bound to impact on their lives at what is already a vulnerable time for them.

I totally agree that you need to assume you'll end up a single parent of four and go from there, thinking about what's best for you, but if that doesn't happen and you get a happy ending it's a bonus!

[Notacluewhatthisis]

LassWiADelicateAir I am so glad you said. I was going to post myself.

'There's always room for another baby' is total bull shit and only trotted out by people who it's worked out for.

If there was always room and it always worked, no kids would be care. No kids would need to be adopted.

It's terrible advice.

[CountessVonBoobs]

What LassWiTheDelicateAir said. There is not always room for one more baby, and a quick pregnancy between two single people with no children is a completely different situation.

[GeorgeTheHippo]

I think it would be very very hard for your existing children.

[mindutopia]

Only you know what’s right for you, but my very good friend found herself pregnant with her partner of about 6 weeks at the time. She actually ended up having a very prem baby (born at only 26 weeks, who has some disabilities but otherwise doing very well). They are now happily married and have been for many years and have had another baby since (Whois now about 5). They are very happy. It absolutely can work if you both feel it’s genuinely right for you.

[Flowersandblack]

I knew my dh for about 18 months as a work friend before we got together... 2 months into the relationship I was pregnant with my 2 year old and 2 years after the relationship started we were married.. we get on fantastic expecting dc2. Yes it could work.

[Blackberry10]

A friend had four kids with her DH. They spilt and she ended up pregnant with another mans baby 3 months after she left her DH.
She and the other man are now married and are very happy so yes it can work. She also said it actually helped the children having the new baby around as the excitement of having a new sibling outweighted the other issues.
However it could have also easily gone wrong

I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is if having an abortion would be something you could do or if you feel totally against it . (I am pro choice by the way)
If you feel it will affect you badly if you have an abortion then don’t. It’s your body and your choice alone. It’s you who has to live with it. If you really want this baby you need to go ahead with the pregnancy I think. Having an abortion when you don’t want one must be awful and really screw you up. Your kids will adapt better to a baby then a mum who has had a mental breakdown with guilt

[Aintnothingbutaheartache]

Have you actually said how old existing dc are? Sorry if I missed it

[Italiangreyhound]

Absolutely do what feels right for you and do not worry about telling other people or what they will think.

Your existing children do not get to say whether you keep the baby or not. They may be delighted with a new sibling or they may not, but we do not have children on the basis of consulting our existing children!

I am sure your ex-husband/husband will be upset but you cannot plan your future based on what might rattle his cage either.

i would make the decision on what is best for you, and allow for the fact the relationship may not work out. Of it does not work out then your boyfriend will still need to support the child and be a dad. Does he understand this, is he up for it?

Make sure your baby's father is on the birth certificate and legally registered as the baby's father (if that is what you want) as SodTheBloodyLotOfThem is right 'your husband will be legally presumed to be the baby's father if you are still married at the time of the birth.'

[Italiangreyhound]

Totally agree with needsahouseboy '...do not give his surname to your baby.'

AriadnePersephoneCloud "Why does everyone assume the three existing children will be upset. Maybe they'll be excited, pleased or a while myriad of emotions. When this happened to me mine..."

That is so great to hear. I am always appalled when people say think of the children and how hard it will be to have a sibling. Imagine finding out as a child or an adult that your mum got pregnant but ended the pregnancy because she perceived you would be harmed by it. What a horrible thought for a person to feel a sense of responsibility.

OP you are the key person here, if you can cope, they will cope. Just be prepared for you to be doing this alone or at least with a man who may not be a life partner. And do not worry what friends or wider family will say, it is none of their business.

[Sallystyle]

I was in a similar situation to you. Three children, become pregnant very quickly with new partner.

We have been together for 12 years and extremely happy. I made the decision to continue the pregnancy with the thought that I would end up a single mum to four.

Thankfully that didn't happen, lots of people told me a termination might be for the best. I did think about the impact on the children but in the end it all worked out. However, I don't think it is a wise idea because in these situations it mostly goes wrong. It can work and it has for me. I had a great co-parenting relationship with my ex but it did take a year to get there.

The children loved their sister and were happy to have another sibling, but I can't pretend it wasn't an unsettled time for them and I think I probably underestimated that.

[lalalalyra]

I think it's important that you split the issues as you decide.

Firstly and foremostly you need to decide if you and your children can deal with another child in your lives. Will you cope with a baby as well as your older children? How will your older children cope with a new sibling?

Then if you decide to keep the baby you work out what role your new partner plays in that. Thowing himself into being a family man sounds well intentioned, and he's probably excited, but you need to do the same as you do for the baby - how will he fit into the lives of you and your children?

You and your children have to be the heart of the decision you make. And you should be very prepared that your new partner might not like that.

[springydaff]

Who says he has to move in?

I don't think the baby will necessarily be an upheaval but moving the father in will probably be confusing for your existing kids. You can have one without the other.

Let the relationship with the father develop, both between you and between him and your existing kids.

Most of the time abortion is a very big deal. It's not just now you have to think about.

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

My husband and I had only been going out for 5 months when we fell pregnant with DD.

It was a huge shock and we we both scared and worked it was just too soon.

5 years later and were married and expecting DC2.

It can work. Everyone told me he would bolt and is be a single young mum with no prospects or life.