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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AUBI ? pregnant with new partner VERY soon, could this work?

126 replies

Meetmeonamonday · 30/09/2018 14:45

I am currently finding myself with a very serious decision to make and need some input from some wise/kind/caring honest people please.

In December 2017 I split from my husband of 9 years we have 3 wonderful DC together. So far we have been managing to co-parent reasonably well and we feel with our combined efforts the damage to our children has hopefully been minimal. There has been a lot of hurt on both sides as one would expect from a seperation but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do, for many reasons I will not go into on this thread for fear of sidetracking. We have not started official divorce preceedings yet, me because i feel I was happy to wait the two years and him because I think at times he hopes for a chance of reconciling but I have been very clear and polite about it all along that that just won’t be happening.

Back in July I started talking to a man that I dated when we were teens, we dated for years and were very happy, separating in our late teens as we both grew in different directions and wanted different things out of our 20s, it was amicable when we split. We have only this month starting ‘seeing’ each other and it feels wonderful. It feels exciting and new but at the same time we know so much about each other that remains unchanged. I was just getting my head around the possibility of having to tell ex DH I am dating who I am, as well as old friends and family that would have remembered us as as a couple from before. I am a BIG worrier of other people opinions.

However the real issue here is that I have just found out I am pregnant. This is obviously a huge surprise and far from ideal but we are stuck with a dilemma as I am sure this is just too much too soon, think of the uproar it would cause. Logistically I do feel I could manage a DC4 as I am very organised and hands on, however I can’t help but think this is ridiculous and I have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

New partner very much wants the child and is extremely excited about the idea of throwing himself into my family life and becoming a family man, however I think he doesn’t really know what he will let himself in for!!!!!

Please help me!!!

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 01/10/2018 18:38

I met my DP in online chat rooms and I got pregnant the night we actually met. I was honest and told him I wanted another baby and as time was running out, that if we did have sex, then I did not want to us contraception.

I had done things the 'right' way and still ended up a single parent as my ExH left me for the OW!

I figured I could not go much more wrong by doing it the 'wrong' way.

Some 14 years and two DC later, we are still together. I call him the one night stand who won't go away. So it absolutely can work out, with even less history than you guys have. All the very best of luck to you.

IABURQO · 01/10/2018 18:48

This thread keeps playing on my mind. Normal loving people never regret having the baby after it's born, because they love it. I think it's going to be incredibly hard on the 3 existing DC, but this potential baby already exists. OP needs to be sure she can help her 3 children through having a new sibling in this circumstance, but she was excited at the start of this thread, I felt it. Was I right? If so, then keep the baby OP, however hard it will be at first, I'm worried you'll regret it terribly if you don't. If I'm wrong and you feel worried then good luck with your decision and make sure you can live with it either way.

Skyejuly · 01/10/2018 18:51

I had 3 DC with ex....3mths after split I wS pregnant with new man. We have now been together 5 happy years and are married. It worked out fine xx

faeriequeen · 01/10/2018 18:57

I'd have the baby. You sound like you could cope together or alone.
I'm pro choice for other people, but having had a baby and several miscarriages I'm not sure I could go through with an abortion and all it entails.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/10/2018 18:57

Keeptrudging, I agree with everything you have said. Termination is always suggested lightly on these kind of threads and that really disturbs me.

Flatasapancakenow · 01/10/2018 19:09

Agree with faeriequeen and chocolatecoffeeaddict, abortion shouldn't be taken lightly. I have also experienced a miscarriage and couldn't put myself through anything like that again.

I fell regnant and kept him. The family were up in arms, people talked and tutted, but I don't regret it for one moment. He's 9 now and he's the best. I'd go through it all over again for him in a heartbeat.

My Dad died suddenly and my Mum remarried and had my brother and sister all within 3 years. Yes it was a big shake up and I don't think my mum handled it well, but if you treat everyone equally and make an effort to carve out 1 on 1 time for the 3 older DC you can minimise any negative impact.

Flatasapancakenow · 01/10/2018 19:20

Oops that should have said I fell pregnant at 18and kept him!

Itsatravesty · 01/10/2018 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsatravesty · 01/10/2018 19:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RayRayBidet · 01/10/2018 19:34

You know that some women have terminations and aren't haunted for the rest of their lives because for them it was the right decision. They probably don't feel happy about it but it was the right thing to do.
It's an option, all options need to be considered.
Just because you can't ever see a situation where you would terminate doesn't make it wrong for someone else, as long as it's their decision.
Good luck OP, with whatever you decide.

Keeptrudging · 01/10/2018 19:42

RayRay, I absolutely agree with you, I'm not anti-choice, it's just surprised me how many on this thread seem to have suggested it as an obvious/easy solution.

MoseShrute · 01/10/2018 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoseShrute · 01/10/2018 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flirtygirl · 01/10/2018 19:54

I was surprised too with the quick casual suggestion that abortion was suggested.

I think if the op is happy to potentially be a single parent then keep the baby. Her kids especially if young, will be OK and will all grow up together.

If it works out longterm then great.

There's no way that if it works out and she had aborted the baby, that it would not cast a shadow of what ifs and regret!

ZeroThirty · 01/10/2018 19:56

Your decision alone this one.

RayRayBidet · 01/10/2018 19:56

I disagree that anyone has suggested termination as an obvious or easy option.
They have said it might be the best option in the circumstances.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 20:09

people seem to think another sibling will harm the existing three. Did anyone suggest that number three might harm numbers one and two?

MadMum101 · 01/10/2018 20:11

I found the jump from 3 to 4 tipped me over the edge more than 1 to 3 (twins) and that was without a new relationship, young kids confused about their Dad not living with them, a stranger stranger moving in and a divorce.

Who's going to support all these DC if your STBX pays minimal CM and the new boyfriend decides not to stick around when the reality of living with 3 under 5's and a newborn, and a disgruntled ex still on the scene, hits?

Your first thought should be, how will this affect my existing DC. You have your own wants and needs of course, but as an adult and a parent in circumstances such as this, your existing DC who never asked for any of this, come first. Only you know the truth of your situation.

I speak as someone who's mother was in the exact same situation give or take a few months with 6 DC instead of 3. She was happy so we HAD to be. Also as someone who had a termination after contraceptive failure as I knew my existing DC would be massively negative impacted for good reason if we had another child at that time (and that was in a long term marriage). I felt upset that I was in that situation but not about the choice I made.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 20:12

OP "We have not started official divorce preceedings yet, me because i feel I was happy to wait the two years and him because I think at times he hopes for a chance of reconciling but I have been very clear and polite about it all along that that just won’t be happening"

Can I ask of he knows you are seeing someone? Or does seem sad he is hoping you will reconcile but you know you will not. Whether you have a new partner or a new baby, once he realises tgis is not going to end up with you back together he may become very unco-operstive. Can you prefer for that whatever happens.

Oysterbabe · 01/10/2018 20:12

I'm assuming number 3 wasn't fathered by a man they've never met.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 20:15

prepare

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 20:20

Oysterbabe my son was fathered by a man I have never met. We adopted him.

I am not saying it is easy but I am saying that the OP has to asess what is best for the whole situation. The idea her children will automatically suffer if she has a baby is wrong. It's very sad that the children are being presented as a reason not to continue with the pregnancy, if the OP has the energy and resources to cope and wants the baby.

KnittingSister · 01/10/2018 20:25

I think you need to separate this out:
Q1: baby, have it and keep it, have it and adopt, abort.

Q2: relationship, continue or stop. The new BF doesn't need to live with you yet, can still have access to baby as you build your relationship.

As PP's have said, ex could get difficult and use new DP in divorce proceedings.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 20:31

KnittingSister excellent post.

KnittingSister · 01/10/2018 22:52

I thank you, Greyhound

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