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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AUBI ? pregnant with new partner VERY soon, could this work?

126 replies

Meetmeonamonday · 30/09/2018 14:45

I am currently finding myself with a very serious decision to make and need some input from some wise/kind/caring honest people please.

In December 2017 I split from my husband of 9 years we have 3 wonderful DC together. So far we have been managing to co-parent reasonably well and we feel with our combined efforts the damage to our children has hopefully been minimal. There has been a lot of hurt on both sides as one would expect from a seperation but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do, for many reasons I will not go into on this thread for fear of sidetracking. We have not started official divorce preceedings yet, me because i feel I was happy to wait the two years and him because I think at times he hopes for a chance of reconciling but I have been very clear and polite about it all along that that just won’t be happening.

Back in July I started talking to a man that I dated when we were teens, we dated for years and were very happy, separating in our late teens as we both grew in different directions and wanted different things out of our 20s, it was amicable when we split. We have only this month starting ‘seeing’ each other and it feels wonderful. It feels exciting and new but at the same time we know so much about each other that remains unchanged. I was just getting my head around the possibility of having to tell ex DH I am dating who I am, as well as old friends and family that would have remembered us as as a couple from before. I am a BIG worrier of other people opinions.

However the real issue here is that I have just found out I am pregnant. This is obviously a huge surprise and far from ideal but we are stuck with a dilemma as I am sure this is just too much too soon, think of the uproar it would cause. Logistically I do feel I could manage a DC4 as I am very organised and hands on, however I can’t help but think this is ridiculous and I have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

New partner very much wants the child and is extremely excited about the idea of throwing himself into my family life and becoming a family man, however I think he doesn’t really know what he will let himself in for!!!!!

Please help me!!!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 01/10/2018 02:53

I am absolutely sure that it would be devastating for your three children, to bring a new baby into the equation right now. Also,it seems that you are on some reasonable terms with your ex, although not divorced as yet, I would assume that he would also be upset at this new revelation, although you seem not too bothered about that.

Everyone's emotions are in play right now, I hope that you will make a good decision soon.

catinboots9 · 01/10/2018 03:00

What ages are your DC?

Franklyyes · 01/10/2018 03:15

Please stop and think of your children ..... you've just met this guy and your pregnant. Life will not be good for your kids when u don't put them first. You don't really know this guy

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2018 03:23

You said that he loves "the idea" of being a family man.

So has no kids of his own, clearly no experience of being a father figure and I assume (hope) he hasnt met your kids yet, but he wants to throw himself into this? He has this vision in his head of how it will be, and I suspect it will be vastly different from the reality of life as a parent (and moreover, a step parent, the hardest type of parent to be).

I would terminate if it were me.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/10/2018 05:52

I do think he sounds an absolute idiot! I also think you may be a little infatuated with him.

I do believe your children will be ok. You have a tough time ahead but you now need to concentrate on you and your children. This pregnancy isn't the tie that will make him family. He's got a lot of growing up and learning to do.

BlueBug45 · 01/10/2018 05:58

If you are happy to be the single parent of 4 children then go for it and if you are not then have a termination.

No one knows if this new relationship will survive but what is more than certain that until your divorce is finalized - which can take 2 years from when the papers are submitted - you can't live with the your new partner as your husband will make your life more hell than it actually is simply because he hasn't got it into his head that you no longer want to be married to him. Add in the fact if you live with your new partner it may screw up what you are entitled to in your divorce.

Oh and if your 3 children haven't met the new guy and know he is your boyfriend then you are going to have to be careful in having him over the max 4 nights per week, as your husband will be likely pumping your 3 children for information on "mum's new boyfriend". This is completely unfair on them.

In regards to doing your divorce on 2 years separation and being amicable - forget it. Your husband is more likely to file for adultery or unreasonable behaviour citing adultery due to being upset and angry. You could be difficult and refuse to divorce on those grounds but you need to remember that no one reads the details of divorce petitions except the court so you would just be wasting money and making both your solicitors rich.

Oysterbabe · 01/10/2018 06:21

I think we need to know how old your children are and whether they have met your partner.

Oysterbabe · 01/10/2018 06:28

Sorry to stalk your old posts but i see in January you talked about having 3 under 5. So your kids are still very young.
Personally I would terminate in your situation, enjoy my new relationship, get divorced and see what the future holds.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/10/2018 07:14

My friend got pregnant on the 3rd date. Ten years later they’re married with a second and it’s worked out. But she didn’t already have three vulnerable children who’d only just gone through a huge change.

ApolloApollo · 01/10/2018 07:37

My now fiancé got pregnant within two months of us being together, she had an 18 month old at the time.
Five years on we are still together and getting married next year. If you both want it to work you can

seanna · 01/10/2018 07:51

As everybody else has said if you're happy about the baby, then I think the rest can be worked around it. Especially if your children are under 5, they will adapt for now and things should be smooth. I think for children the most important thing is to get that their parents are never getting together again. Once that is understood moving on is easier. Also in my experience smaller children are welcome to change event though they don't fully understand it. It's up to you to gradually explain the changes to them .

Notacluewhatthisis · 01/10/2018 08:18

ApolloApollo do you realise that sometimes both people want the relationship to work, it still doesn't. Especially when pressure is on, especially when you don't know each other.

It's great it worked our for you. But that's luck. It's not because you wanted it more than other people.

Your issues, if you had them, were ones you could resolve. You could both compromise without feeling like you were going against your own feelings.

Let's not pretend this will be easy and work out well, as long as the op and hee boyfriend want it enough.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/10/2018 08:22

Surely that works both ways? Nobody is telling OP it is going to be easy but it could viably work. Nobody goes into a relationship with the guarantee that it is going to work...but people still get into relationships!

Haireverywhere · 01/10/2018 08:39

Most of the people posting about getting pregnant soon into a new relationship and it having worked out didn't have three young children trying to adjust to their separated parents and new step dad already though. The OP's relationship will be under a lot more strain.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/10/2018 09:23

Doesn't mean it can't work. Relationships have flourished under worse. People are sharing their experiences to allow OP to see what can happen...doesn't make them any more or less valid than the failures!

Sallystyle · 01/10/2018 10:24

Please stop and think of your children ..... you've just met this guy and your pregnant. Life will not be good for your kids when u don't put them first. You don't really know this guy

That is a bit harsh. If I had a termination they wouldn't have had their sister who they love. It is not ideal and it will be difficult for her children for a while, but OP should not be guilt tripped into termination on the grounds that her children's lives will be ruined if she continues with this pregnancy. My children's lives have not been bad and they have an amazing relationship with their step-dad. He is a dad to them in every way except blood. Of course that takes time and there is no reason why he has to move in and force that relationship on.

I realise I am perhaps one of the few success stories in this type of situation and I would never recommend someone goes out and tries for a baby in this situation, but if OP is willing to go ahead knowing she might be a single mother the rest can be worked out.

I am very glad I didn't terminate for my children's sake.

trojanpony · 01/10/2018 10:59

Having DC4 at this time is likely to have negative impacts on your 3 existing DC. by far the most likely outcome is that you will be a single parent with 4DC.

Loopytiles is right you have to be really really prepared for this if you want to press on.
In your shoes being completely honest I probably wouldn’t

I’d also add I’d expect your amicable exH to become dramatically less helpful/amicable/pleasant/cooperative

Keeptrudging · 01/10/2018 11:16

If you think you can cope with another baby, either by yourself or with your new partner, I don't see why you shouldn't. If your existing children are given time and support to get used to the idea, there is no reason for them to be traumatised by it. Do you want the baby? Do you have enough love for another baby? Your children will adapt, as all children have to adapt to a new sibling.Flowers

bellabasset · 01/10/2018 11:47

You have 3 young dc with a husband who has not accepted your separation. Your ex bf who you are seeing is keen to throw himself into being a family man with your dc's. That in itself is a very tricky situation to manage

If you and your new partner have a baby in the New Year less than 18 months after your separation how will your husband cope with that? How will your dc's cope with your bf and will he favour his own dc over yours?.

I fully understand why people are saying a termination is the best option due to timing but the fact that you are asking for advice indicates that you would welcome this baby. If you can manage on your own then go ahead accepting you will have a very upset husband and possibly unsupporting partner for the new one. Only you know what you want and can manage. Good luck.

happymummy12345 · 01/10/2018 12:28

Honestly don't worry about what anyone else thinks, do what you feel is best for you.
I met my husband in April 2014, we because a couple 9th May 2014. In July 2014 we decided to try for a baby. We loved in together in October 2014. We conceived end of November 2014, but didn't actually find out we were having a baby until December 2014.
We had also discussed marriage and knew we both wanted it, but weren't actually engaged. We got engaged 13th January 2015, set the date middle of February 2015, and decided we wanted to be married before the baby was born and before I was showing. So we got married 9th April 2015, we'd been together 11 months the day we got married. Baby was due end of August, born early September.
Being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together is obviously very quick. But it was what we both wanted and we were both very happy. People may have judged us, truthfully I don't care.
All that matters is what you want to do, don't let anyone tell you any different.

choli · 01/10/2018 15:41

All that matters is what you want to do, don't let anyone tell you any different.

That's simply not true. What the OP wants needs to be balanced against the repercussions on the other people involved. "I want" is not a good reason to have a child.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/10/2018 15:48

I conceived my youngest child after 3 months of dating my now husband. I had three children, things moved quickly but we're all happy and it was right for us.

Keeptrudging · 01/10/2018 17:34

This is not an 'I want' situation though. This is a situation where OP has become accidentally pregnant. She didn't do it on purpose, and it's not ideal circumstances, but I can't believe how many people are so blithely suggesting termination is the obvious solution. The OP is healthy, stable and has already had 3 children (so she knows what to do), it's not a huge disaster, it's a baby Confused.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 18:32

choli I want is the best reason to have a child if you can love and care for the child and provides for the child.

One's ex partner being upset is a very bad reason to terminated a pregnancy and I am appalled that people think it is s reason.

So the rd partner might be horrivkd to the ptrhnsny woman! Inreasobable etc. Ejat does she say to the kids later. I was going to have another baby but I worried your dad would make life hard for me!

OP it will be hard, I have two kids and I struggle! But you are not me! Do what is best for you and your family and that doesn't mean automatically not having another baby. Don't do itbtp keep your boyfriend. Do it of you can cope and can love this baby. Be honest about your reasons for wanting this baby, if you do.

Yoir husband needs to understand the marriage is over.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 18:34

Sorry exasperated so lots of typos.

Don't do it to keep your boyfriend.