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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AUBI ? pregnant with new partner VERY soon, could this work?

126 replies

Meetmeonamonday · 30/09/2018 14:45

I am currently finding myself with a very serious decision to make and need some input from some wise/kind/caring honest people please.

In December 2017 I split from my husband of 9 years we have 3 wonderful DC together. So far we have been managing to co-parent reasonably well and we feel with our combined efforts the damage to our children has hopefully been minimal. There has been a lot of hurt on both sides as one would expect from a seperation but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do, for many reasons I will not go into on this thread for fear of sidetracking. We have not started official divorce preceedings yet, me because i feel I was happy to wait the two years and him because I think at times he hopes for a chance of reconciling but I have been very clear and polite about it all along that that just won’t be happening.

Back in July I started talking to a man that I dated when we were teens, we dated for years and were very happy, separating in our late teens as we both grew in different directions and wanted different things out of our 20s, it was amicable when we split. We have only this month starting ‘seeing’ each other and it feels wonderful. It feels exciting and new but at the same time we know so much about each other that remains unchanged. I was just getting my head around the possibility of having to tell ex DH I am dating who I am, as well as old friends and family that would have remembered us as as a couple from before. I am a BIG worrier of other people opinions.

However the real issue here is that I have just found out I am pregnant. This is obviously a huge surprise and far from ideal but we are stuck with a dilemma as I am sure this is just too much too soon, think of the uproar it would cause. Logistically I do feel I could manage a DC4 as I am very organised and hands on, however I can’t help but think this is ridiculous and I have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

New partner very much wants the child and is extremely excited about the idea of throwing himself into my family life and becoming a family man, however I think he doesn’t really know what he will let himself in for!!!!!

Please help me!!!

OP posts:
sunshinelollipopsrainbows · 30/09/2018 15:58

Be very, very cautious. The most important things here are what you want and what is best for your children. As someone also recently separated with 3DCs and is dating someone new, I could not fathom having a DC4 with the new random man. It would turn everything into absolute chaos. Financially, logistically, etc. Personally I would put his wants/needs out of the equation because you can't rely on the idea he will stick around or do as he says at this early stage. Obviously consider him, but put yours and the children's higher.

artemisdubois · 30/09/2018 16:04

Of course it could work, but I don't think it's very likely. Even if things did work out in the end, it would necessarily require a confusing period of upheaval for your three children.

Presumably this new guy hasn't even met your children yet, so how can he have any sort of idea about whether family life is what he really wants? Or is he only thinking about the two of you with a baby?

NotSoThinLizzy · 30/09/2018 16:08

I got pregnant after 3 months with my OH been together 10 years this year it can work. Do what feels right

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/09/2018 16:09

Don't worry about what other people think. Everyone will have an opinion but it's nothing to do with them.
The only people that are allowed to have an opinion are your current children and partner

I know you know him of old but have you thought about the future of this relationship or talked it through at all

What do you think the impact will be on your other children? Do they even know you are dating again? Do you think they will accept a step sibling? It might give them something positive to focus on or might make them feel left out, only you can judge.

It's not just the impact of the baby it's the impact of presumably the new bf moving in and becoming a step dad. One thing that jumped out to me was he is excited about throwing himself into family life. Does he mean with your other children as well? Do you think he has a realistic expectation of what this entails? Has he got any other kids?

And do you think you'd be able to cope as a single parent of 4 with 2 exes to sort out contact and holidays with etc

Sorry I've just asked a load of questions but think these are the areas to focus on. You might need someone professional to talk it through with if that's possible?

Above everything else I think your focus has to really be on your other kids for now, even if things are going as well as you could expect, it's still been a traumatic life changing time for them, so see if you can sound out how you think they'd cope with even more change

Pissedoffdotcom · 30/09/2018 16:11

Stuff what anybody else thinks. Sit down & decide what is best for you & your family. I met DP in June last year...by September i was pregnant. DS is 14 weeks old now & DP & I are engaged, living as a family unit with my DD. Despite what everyone else told us we are happy!

Figlessfig · 30/09/2018 16:14

You want the baby, your partner wants the baby, so go ahead and have the baby!

Pp have said it could all go horribly wrong and you’d end up a single mum with 4 kids, 3 of whom would be unhappy. And yes, that could happen.

But it also could be a wonderful thing for your family, with great excitement about the new child, the new brother/sister, and your new partner playing a blinder as a “family man”.

You also need to think about your own feelings, and those of your partner. How would each of you feel if you terminated this pregnancy? Would you feel good about yourselves and about each other? Would it put stress on your relationship? Would there be a lot of “what ifs”?

I was in a similar situation once (my relationship had been longer than 4 weeks - but short enough that most people said “what the fuck?” when they heard I was pregnant). My partner’s family were spitting nails, as they didn’t approve of me anyway. My eldest daughter was in tears, saying I was going to love the baby more than her. So far so awful.

But I had the baby. She’s 31 now. She’s brilliant, funny and beautiful. And the other kids loved her to bits from the day she was born till now. Her father and I have been married for nearly 30 years. We are a very happy family.

As my mother said at the time, once she got over the shock, “There’s always room in a family for another wee baby.”

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/09/2018 16:17

I really don’t think it’s fair on your existing children, even if you can manage the time/resources as a single parent.

chillpizza · 30/09/2018 16:19

I wouldn’t be having a baby with a new man in under a year since separation with my dh with 3 children already. My existing children would be my priority not adding a new one to the headache. Your ex isn’t going to be so nice once he realises that you have moved on, your children will believe you left daddy for a new man and new baby that they and daddy weren’t good enough for you.

WhatTheSausageSaid · 30/09/2018 16:22

I would not be considering this myself. Too many problems for your existing children and not fair on them to basically saddle them with a new step dad this early on. Sorry you're in this situation. Flowers

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/09/2018 16:23

Just my opinion.
On the down side it will probably cause massive problems and harm your 3 DC, your ex will hate you and co parenting will break down, its probably a rebound relationship and you will be a single parent in a few years, dating old flames always ends badly and everyone will probably think you were cheating on your ex with this old boyfriend.
On the up side you will have 4 children.

If it was me I would not be having another baby at this point in your relationships / life.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 16:26

Never mind the men: they are the least important factor. If you want another baby, go for it, but be prepared to put in a lot of effort WRT reassuring your existing DC that they are loved just as much as any new sibling.
Your XH may start acting like a knob, of course: be ready to remind him that it's the children whose feelings must be prioritised. You told him it was over, so there is no reason why you should have been expected not to have sex with anyone else: he shouldn't feel entitled to make his hurt feelings anyone else's problem.
As to the current chap - he may stay, he may not, but he will also need to be sensitive to your children by your XH and not show favouritism.

LeftRightCentre · 30/09/2018 16:30

Poor existing 3 kids. Loss of family home and then bang! New stepdad and half sibling on the way in far less than a year! Suck it up, buttercup! I would terminate.

As my mother said at the time, once she got over the shock, “There’s always room in a family for another wee baby.”

Yeah, stuff what the other 3 think and feel, it's all about what Mum wants Hmm.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2018 16:38

I would have serious concerns about this new mans eagerness to "throw himself into your family life" Shock

That just highlights to me how little he knows about parenthood... you don't throw yourself into a family... It's a gradual process thay has to be carefully managed and nurtured.

PositiveVibez · 30/09/2018 16:40

Don't worry about what other people think

Please do. Although the only 'other people' opinions who matters regarding this, are your 3 children.

Do you think they could cope with another massive bombshell in their lives so soon?

It is a really tough call. But as pp have said, look at this as going forward as a single parent.

BlueBug45 · 30/09/2018 16:45

OP you need to make your own decision on whether you want the baby or not.

Once you have made the decision you need to tell your XH that you want to start divorce proceedings and make it extremely clear to him you don't want to be with him at all. Suggest he starts them for unreasonable behaviour.

With the other man you need to make it very clear to him that he is not moving in until your divorce is finalised - this could take 2 years. So while he may stay over 3 nights a week he needs to keep all his stuff at his own place. You will need to be strict with this.

NotANotMan · 30/09/2018 16:46

In your situation I definitely wouldn't have a 4th baby. Not fair on the 3 you already have. It's up to you though

seventhgonickname · 30/09/2018 16:53

Go with your gut.
If things work out with this guy,and then him and your kids then is the time to think about having another child.

roundaboutthetown · 30/09/2018 16:54

Sounds disastrous to me, in complete and utter honesty. You've been going out a month and are already pregnant, and you are not even divorced yet. I can't think of a better way to inject upset into the situation, vastly increase the chances of a hostile divorce and unsettle your children. You may have known this man well in the past, but your children don't know him from Adam and will your dh believe you were only having a relationship for a few weeks before this happened? If I were your dh, I'd be a bit incredulous, tbh.

FredMerc · 30/09/2018 17:03

I had 3 children aged DS16, DD15, DD12 I was a single mother. Met up with old flame whom I'd been with for teenage years into early twenties then broke up met my 1st DH and had the 3 kids. We hadn't seen each other in 18 years! We had started talking online and we were pregnant within 1 year (so not long either) he had never married or had kids. He became a step parent to the older 3 kids and we now have DS 21 moved in a little flat last year, DD 20 in 3rd year at Uni, DD17 in final year of high school, DS 4 just started primary one. We are married and kids are fine, life moves on. I always felt if he didn't have one of his own he wouldn't have been able to step parent as he wouldn't have understood family dynamics, routine and that kids take priority over EVERYTHING. When we had the baby he got to see all the siblings bond and he understood how it works. Older kids adore the little one.
Good luck Flowers

Thesearmsofmine · 30/09/2018 17:03

I conceived my eldest son on what was a friends with benefits type situation. We are now married with 3 children so an unexpected pregnancy can work out. However we proceeded with caution and it was only us to consider(and the baby of course), you need to consider the impact this would have on your existing children.

Piffle11 · 30/09/2018 17:09

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You can do everything 'right' and still have things not work out as expected. My friend's DSis got pregnant at 17, married at 18, and still together and about to celebrate 35th wedding anniversary with their 2 children and 3 grandchildren. My friend dated her BF for 2 years: lived together, then married for 2 years before having a child. A year later it was over. Wasn't it Sophie Ellis Bextor who got pregnant 3 weeks into her relationship with her now husband? I think the baby came early, too, and she gave birth 8 months after they started dating. Only you know what you want to do: don't try and talk yourself into doing the 'sensible' thing if that's not where your heart is.

BarbarianMum · 30/09/2018 17:11

I agree this has "disaster" written all over it. That said, if you dont want an abortion dont have one. However I would cauution you not to rush ahead with your new boyfriend (moving him in to play stepdad to your kids fi) "just" because you're pregnant. If you're having the baby do it as a single parent, make sure you can co-parent well with the new guy and let that relationship develop gradually.

londonrach · 30/09/2018 17:14

Only you know the answer but how will your three other children take this. If they can cope with a new brother or sister on top of their parents spliting only you know. Im on the fence here. Whatever you decide is for the best x

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 30/09/2018 17:18

Just on a side note, your husband will be legally presumed to be the baby's father if you are still married at the time of the birth.

CherryPavlova · 30/09/2018 17:20

It seems entirely inconsequential of you to have ended up pregnant with someone you barely know. However, what is done is done.

You now need to think what is best for the children rather than some pipe dream of stranger sanctioned ‘It will all be happy ever after’. Chances are it won’t - enduring relationships and successful family life requires planing, commitment and hard work. You chose to become pregnant and need to take responsibility for what you do.