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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not see a time when I’ll ever work?

301 replies

sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 09:50

DC3 is due in January. DC1 is 6, DC2 is 3. Dh is self-employed. We have no support network at all around us.

AIBU to not see a time when I might be able to work? Yes possibly when all kids are in secondary school but that won’t be for another twelve years or so. I can’t see how we’d manage with us both working and we don’t live in an area where there are loads of available jobs.

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 30/09/2018 11:18

Lovely thread Confused

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 30/09/2018 11:19

When my DC were tiny I worked weekends as an agency nurse. I could bring in a weeks wages for working just 2 shifts over the weekend. DH looked after the children so I could work or sleep. It wasn't fun, but it also wasn't forever and by the time they were at school we had other options.

I know that there are regular opportunities for weekend care workers, even for one 12 hour shift? Training can be gradual on the on-the-job, or you could maybe find a p/t college or night class to help you get started?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 30/09/2018 11:20

Oh come on op let’s not be shy! Nobody ‘just wants to talk’ in AIBU! You want provoke! Good luck with dc 4 and 5 too and check out the entitledto website for advice about benefits.

emsyj37 · 30/09/2018 11:20

You might get 30 hours a week not 15. And most nurseries will let you use the free hours to make up full days, you don't have to spread them across the whole week. Then you pay for the additional hours you need.
But of course, it's all just impossible.
Sorry that you didn't get the 'oh gosh yes it's IMPOSSIBLE you will NEVER be able to work again' type silly answers that you were looking for Hmm.

ladybirdsaredotty · 30/09/2018 11:20

DP's hours, not DD's!

Ohluckyme · 30/09/2018 11:20

You’re setting a fine example to your children

OldShuck · 30/09/2018 11:20

What on earth is the point of this....?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/09/2018 11:21

OP I think people are getting frustrated because you clearly just wanted everyone to say "of course you can't possibly work, don't even give it a second thought". The reality is that working isn't impossible, it might be tricky, but it's not impossible. But that's obviously not what you want to hear.

You keep saying you wanted to see if there are "other mums in the same boat" but that's not true. Lots of other mums who are in fact in the same boat and yet still managing to work have posted explaining how they've done it and you don't want to know.

If you don't want to work and can afford not to then fine. No one is knocking you for it. Just own the decision, instead of pretending that it's "impossible".

RollerJed · 30/09/2018 11:22

OP I have worked FT with both my dd. We've now relocated and I can't see how dh and I can both work without our dc really missing out on us. Our new location means a longer commute, but a nicer area near family.

Dh and I have decided one of us will work and the other will retrain and go self employed. I think it's going to be me working (find out this week about a job 🤞) and I'm fine with that.

In London we had an amazing CM who lived around the corner and was part of our family (and us hers!) for 7 years. I can't even contemplate putting them in different care now.

So I understand your comment about not being able to work. Sometimes emotionally it just doesn't work. And if you're ok with it then that's fine.

continuallychargingmyphone · 30/09/2018 11:22

It might just be a woman in a pretty horrible situation with a controlling man.

I don’t know, by the way. I’m not trying to infer anything.

I do think the way some have behaved towards this OP is revolting. You didn’t ask, just got stuck right in there.

I hope you’re proud.

cheshirecat777 · 30/09/2018 11:23

I know where you are coming from -

Slightly different but I worked full time in a good job until I got made redundant when first DC was approx 3 and he is now 7.5 and we also now have a second child

If I had have not been made redundant there is no way on earth I would have given up my job - but my area is niche and I struggled in the first year to get something similar without moving across the country and then my DH started to work away which meant getting a full time job would have been v hard even if one was available as I would then have had to do all the stuff with the kids as well would have been exhausting as well as commuting 3 hours a day . Then with 2 kids to pay for at a pretty expensive before and after school provision it just hasn’t happened.

I take your point about the grand parents or helpers because we are in the same position of having no family help at all and I do have quite a pang of jealousy when I see DC1 classmates being picked up after school by grandparents.

I am not complaining I am lucky to have a DH who earns well and 2 lovely kids but like you it’s as if I can no longer see myself as a “worker” and don’t quite know what to do next

That said when youngest child is 3 which is not too far off I will def have to work then

I also understand people say retrain but it’s not always that easy perhaps OP doesn’t have the right basic skills maybe it would take several years and a huge amount of expense to merely be qualified for a not very high paid role

I do however think it is a choice to have 4 kids and this is really the main issue here. It also depends on whether OP wants to work I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying I am a SAHM to 4 kids and we as a family have chosen that I will not work.

RedDwarves · 30/09/2018 11:23

Why secondary school? Surely you could manage it at primary school?

Also, loads of people manage without a support network... I'm confused at the point of this post.

viques · 30/09/2018 11:24

By your own reckoning you have 12 years until you feel able to work.

Surely that's long enough to get a few qualifications , or to extend your education, or set up an online business, or learn how to make jam or dog treats to sell at boot fairs, write a blog about housecleaning, or do something, anything.

If nothing else you need to demonstrate to your three children that women , even women with three children , can work to sustain themselves economically.

At least have the gumption to start networking in your area and try to set up some sort of support network of friends for yourself, and possibly for other women in your position.

Snowymountainsalways · 30/09/2018 11:25

Do you want to work? If you don't I can't see why you are worried. If you do then retrain now whilst the children are young. It is a good time to gain some skills and qualifications.

Snowymountainsalways · 30/09/2018 11:26

And being a full time parent is a job in itself may I add.

tomhazard · 30/09/2018 11:26

Why not? Your DC 1 will be in school and if you work enough your DC2 will get 30 hours funding. If you wait till older two are at school and little one is 3 then you will be able to work and make a decent amount. So not 12 years.

continuallychargingmyphone · 30/09/2018 11:26

Networking

Op talks about not being qualified beyond gcse level, she mentions care work and waitressing as possible jobs.

And she should network.

Some of you really need to live in the real world for a bit. Working and being able to afford childcare is in many ways a luxury of the middle classes.

viques · 30/09/2018 11:27

Ps If your dp is self employed who is doing his book keeping and accounting, there's a starting place for you. Get some online courses in book keeping under your belt and that is a ready made business for you to promote locally.

ladybirdsaredotty · 30/09/2018 11:29

Thread has moved on, but re. care/support work, our local council pays more than charities or agencies tend to, although obviously that's a generalisation. It's also not necessarily the only consideration in people's minds when applying for this sort of job. Just in case anyone else is wondering.

AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 11:29

“Why is it so bad?”

It isn’t! There’s nothing even slightly bad about being a sahp.

You said “I can’t work Sad”. We said “how about doing x, y or z”. You said no, you don’t want to and that’s fine. But stop saying it’s impossible as it isn’t. It’s just inconvenient. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your choice at all though, but it’s inaccurate based on what you’ve told us to call it completely impossible.

user1492863869 · 30/09/2018 11:31

Oh Bewareof, you have hit the nail on the head. I was about to say that the OP only wants to hear from people who live rurally, in an economic black spot with no support network and whose reading ability is limited to the Internet forums.

If you are that person or were that person, please do not be offended if the OP has a very unreasonable excuse for not being able to move from a rented house. I assume hubby does a job that is entirely linked to rural black spots.

OftenHangry · 30/09/2018 11:31

If nothing else you need to demonstrate to your three children that women , even women with three children , can work to sustain themselves economically.

Million yeses to this!

ShesABelter · 30/09/2018 11:32

With such a defeatist and work shy attitude no you are not unreasonable to say you won't ever work. There you go.

viques · 30/09/2018 11:32

continually charging
No one is saying she should set up a rival to Facebook, but even people with few skills can put up a notice on a school parents notice board, or a bus stop, or a church or village hall notice board and get the ball rolling. I've always been amazed at the number of clubs and activities that go on in small rural communities, I bet most of them started with a flyer pinned to a notice board.

PartAnd · 30/09/2018 11:33

Ok, I understand you don't want to work or go to college etc but how about a little volunteer work or how about studying a couple of GCSEs. Nothing that takes too much time of effort as I understand you are busy with your kids but enough to have some other life apart from being a Mum. It would look good for future employers too.

For example, if you only have a low grade Maths gcse then improving that would be a useful and positive thing to do. It might even be enjoyable. You can self teach and if it takes you a while because you are too busy with your kids then it does t matter.

Doing nothing but being a mother for years and years isn't going to make you employable in the future. What if something happens to your husbands work.

I used to volunteer in a kids playgroup for very disadvantaged kids when my DC were little, just a morning a week. The kids came with me. It was a real eye opener but I enjoyed it.

You only live once, raising kids is amazing but it's good to do other things too.