AIBU to not see a time when I’ll ever work?

[sparklyonions]

DC3 is due in January. DC1 is 6, DC2 is 3. Dh is self-employed. We have no support network at all around us.

AIBU to not see a time when I might be able to work? Yes possibly when all kids are in secondary school but that won’t be for another twelve years or so. I can’t see how we’d manage with us both working and we don’t live in an area where there are loads of available jobs.

Oh that's fine. I have better things to do as we than continue to engage with you. Enjoy your day.

You could work round each others hours if you wanted to/really needed the money - for example when mine were very small DH worked days and I worked nights, I'm not going to lie, it was fucking miserable.

Only reason I have always worked, even when the hours made it not actually worth it financially, is that my mum gave up work when my biggest brother was born, she was out of work so long having had lots of children that she can't find a job so at 57 is on job seekers, she is miserable because she has no job, no friends, no life outside of being mum and her youngest ones will be flying the nest soonish, we do our best to support her but I have 2 dc and my own bills to pay, my other siblings are either at uni, 6th form or doing GCSE's.

I think it's sensible to continue working. I didn't work during the pre school years logistically it was difficult but not impossible, money wise the majority of wages would've ended up paying for childcare and I had a crisis of confidence and ended up staying at home. I am grateful for that time with the children but do think that the sensible approach would've been to return to work.

I went back to work part time when my youngest was nearing the end of the reception year. Then found a new full time role when my youngest was in year 2. I'm now earning almost double what I earned before I had children. I was strategic in the roles I went for and accepted that I had to work full time although I'd rather not.

There is no reason why you can't work when your youngest is at school. The other 2 will be at secondary school so you will only have childcare costs for 1 child.

Have you checked out Access courses and the like? They sometimes come with some childcare funding too, I know people who've done it. Would mean not having to wait until the free 15 hours/school place for youngest kicks in.

I misread the ages of your children.

When your youngest starts nursery at 4 you could do an access course and then a degree. You would graduate by the time your child is Year 3/4 then only have one set of childcare fees to cover.

I think now is the time to start thinking about what interests you so you can start researching retraining options.

Doesn't get easier when they are in Secondary school, unless they can walk to and from school. I've had more call outs to collect since they turned 11 years old, than I ever had for primary!

Oh that's fine. I have better things to do as we than continue to engage with you. Enjoy your day.

🤷‍♀️

unicorn

Yes, I actually think it’s even more important to try to keep working if you have no qualifications. A teacher or nurse could probably get back into work after a long break, but for an admin like I was pre-dc, it’s not so easy once you’ve left the workplace.

Though, I know lots of women who never work after being sahms and they fill their days with other things. It’s the “what ifs” which would put me off that scenario; dh losing his job, dying unexpectedly, our marriage ending etc. But the choice to stay home is perfectly valid and even after dcs fly the nest, former sahps are often the ones volunteering and fundraising locally.

I'm confused as to why you posted?

You asked for opinions then just don't take them in board?

Do you not get bored?

Most people return to work 6months - 1 year after a baby.

Also why have you not thought about this before you've had a few kids?

It's obvious why op posted. She doesn't want to work. Just doesn't and wanted everyone to tell that, that's fine and that her situation does indeed mean she would never be able to work. She wants to be able to blame hee situation instead of just accepting it's her choice.

Except lots of people in similar situations do work. People point out the pit falls. Her dh could leave and turn into a cunt, it happens. And leave her in the shit. He is self employed so could easily hide earnings. Many people do this upon splitting.

OP then is left with no career and minimal earning prospects, living in the middle of nowhere without a car.

She wants to put herself in that position, that's fine. But it's a choice she is making. She can't hand off responsibility for that choice.

Oh and what if dh all of sudden is unable to work?

Basically you're looking for validation, not actually solutions. This isn't the place to come if you want people to pat you on the back and tell you that you're right, there's nothing you can do.

People in your situation can and do work because they have no other choice or just because they want to work.

If you don't want to work then don't, but at least accept that's what you're saying instead of finding ways that every single solution won't work.

I personally couldn’t not work as I think I benefit from spending time in solely adult company 3 days per week. DS attends nursery those 3 full days at a cost of £560 per month. I only earn around £350 after paying these fees. But I feel good for doing so to contribute towards the family finances (altho it doesn’t go very far!) currently 19 weeks pregnant and will definately return to work my 3 current days. I’m not a ‘skilled worker’ I have just worked in an office since I was 18. Call centres have flexible hours generally so if you looked hard enough you could probably find something to suit if you did not wish to pay for childcare.

I 100% understand why working not profitable but you would be so vulnerable if you split up. Could you even work one day a week? Contact an agency and say you need to keep your toe in the water and even if it is not profitable yr husband should understand you dont want to become unemployable.

It happens. I feel lucky to have got back in to workplace.

I have 3 DC. I am mostly a SAHM but work 3-5 hours a week plus do a few different types of voluntary work.

We don't need the money particularly but my plan is to become a lunchtime supervisor once kids are at school which will bulk out my employment history then look at training as a TA or family visitor (round here, that is like an HCA for health visiting). I do relevant voluntary work with children and do all the training courses available - some are accredited (taking my own DC along) and my paid work is also with kids - DH works flexitime from home on the day I work so there are no childcare costs. We always wanted a larger family so DH has kept in an easier, family-friendly, flexible role instead of going after big promotions (he has progressed though, slow and steady!) with that in mind. I assume it's not so easy for your SE partner to reduce hours / have parental leave etc as more will depend on what his business needs.

I do think being a SAHP is wonderful and valid in its own right but it does pay to be very aware that DC will all start school, grow up and fly the nest at some point. I don't personally want the more homemaker-y role that SAHP seems to become once DC are at school. I also wouldn't want to be "just waiting for DH to retire" once kids leave. However, if you can afford to do that and it appeals then that is fine too! It would be an active choice you were making though. It would also be good to have comprehensive insurance for.DH (income protection for him or critical illness on top of life insurance for you both) and perhaps pay into a pension or lifetime isa for yourself if you can afford to.

I get that it feels pointless when you look at the short term finance, but that isn't everything.
I had my children young, had never had a career. I didn't work once I was pregnant, my partner was self employed and we got benefits so there wasn't any point. It was normal in my family to think like this and none of my relatives had a career, mum never worked.
It wasn't until my third child was at preschool that I decided it was time to think about a career and decided to go into nursing as I'd considered it years before. So I worked between preschool hours twice a week, term time, in a care home (I just asked for short shifts and they were desperate for staff so they agreed!). I also studied part time so I could meet entry requirements for university as I only had 4 gcses. After our youngest went to school I moved to an NHS job and DH, being self employed, had to do the school runs a few days a week. I then worked full time (term time, not NHS) for a year while he worked part time so he could do the childcare. Then I started at university and qualify next year.
We haven't been any better off during any of those periods than we were when I didn't work, but next year I will have a job with a £24k starting salary and though that isn't a lot for many people, that's more than I could ever have hoped for. Youngest will be 9 and we'll only have a few more years of school runs to worry about!
We will finally get out of the benefit trap and perhaps one day be able to buy a home.

It's been a long road and many times felt pointless going to work for effectively no financial reward, but it will pay off long term.

Kids get 30 hours free nursery at 3 if you are both working at least 16 hours. I have 3 kids and I have always worked

I will never have a career.

Well you can if you want, your children won't be babies forever you are young enough that even if you wait until they are bigger you can train in something and still have plenty of time until retirement.

It was obvious from the opening post that the OP had zero interest in being told anything other than of course she shouldn't work. All the excellent advice from PP who had been there and done that was ignored.

Let's hope her DH never gets seriously ill or decides to leave because then she will be up shit creek without a paddle.

I'm sure others have said it but if you actually wanted to work you could maybe not having more kids would have been a good start?

If you are still reading op, my mum was a stay at home Mum with 6 kids. When we were all in school she did a diploma by correspondence (and getting qualifications remotely is much much easier now and got her first job when I was 19 (and my youngest sibling was 8), she’s worked 4-5 days for the 15 years since and is fairly well paid so it makes a big difference to my parents having a comfortabke retirement income, being able to do the big roof repair when it comes up, renovate, long haul holidays to visit us...

So while you clearly feel it’s all too hard right now remember that this will change.

Also OP, I worked in a call centre. Went in as an agent on the phones. I had nothing above GCSEs.

Now I am a senior manager in the HR department for one of the big supermarkets. I earn well, can work my own hours and from home if I need to. My son hasn't been well a lot recently I have managed to still work.

My first job in a call centre was boring and a pain. But it had a range of shifts to pick what suited and I intended to just sit on the phones. But I made sure I did a good job and then decided I was making it my career and went from there.when I had my second child I went back. For my career and financial independence.

It is possible. On the flip side, if you don't want to work. Then don't. Just make sure that you are aware of further implications and own your choice. Don't ask others to justify it. Own the choice and the consquences.

Jeez. Everyone on MN keeps going on about training and having a "career"
You don't have to do either, but you can get an ordinary job, like millions of other people

Of course you can alternatively stay home for the next 20 years
Nothing wrong with that - if it's by mutual agreement with your DH that he is the sole wage-earner.

Did you post because someone is pressuring you to go to work in a couple of years ?

The only women I know who are SAHMs have v high earning DHs

Those with DHs in ordinary jobs can avoid childcare costs by working pt some evenings and one weekend day
I agree that with an ft nmw job, childcare for 3 kids could take most of the pay.

Working is not because they want to be a feminist example to the DC, but just to make ends meet, to have a bit spare for the family, to help out if their DH can't work for a while

and of course they want at least get the state pension when they retire.

My mum stopped working when she had a family and lost all confidence to return to work in her 40s as she had no recent or and relevant qualifications.

An empty sparcly feathered nest can be a very lonely place to be with no outside interests or employment. While it might seem the easiest or most practical decision now, be careful of taking the luxury of neglecting your future job prospects or financial independence as you could pay dearly for it in a future which is not guaranteed.

It was obvious from the opening post that the OP had zero interest in being told anything other than of course she shouldn't work. All the excellent advice from PP who had been there and done that was ignored.

As I said up thread I have always worked FT with both dd and have just had 3 months off to relocate and can now say both parents working won't work for our dd's for a while.

All the 'good advice' whatever the fuck that means, does not make it suitable for everyone.

Do people actually read threads nowadays or just pile in to let OP know what they're doing wrong