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Original poster

To not see my elderly mother every weekend

113 replies

AliceScarlett · 29/09/2018 10:56

I feel guilty all the time about it, but she is an hour away, we don't really get on, she never invites me! I have my own family and full-time job.
If I ever skip a week she will have a go at me for not coming.

I feel horribly ungrateful and spoilt. I just, urgh. I don't like her. But once a week isn't that much to ask is it? We also speak on the phone 3 times a week.

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 29/09/2018 11:03

OP I posted a similar question about 6 months ago re my parents

in my case it's my dad

I went to visits every 3 weekends and it was much better - mine are 90 minutes away, though I don't have young DC at home.

sadly dad has now become very ill and I'm over there much more, but it was good I had some reserves in the tank, if that makes sense. If you are there making polite chat, it's a drain on the resources, I know.

I reminded mine that I have anxiety and depression and the weekly visit wasn't giving me any down time, plus also that 90 minutes is a good journey - any slight alteration and you're looking at 2 hours each way.

there was the odd grumble but perhaps your mum is more grumbly.

we've all only got limited time and headspace. Please don't feel guilty. As for ungrateful - ungrateful for what? I'm going to assume she had you because she wanted to! We all have to cope with the results of our choices, you might have a child who moves to Australia!

TeenTimesTwo · 29/09/2018 11:03

How elderly is elderly?

Do you just 'not get on' or is she downright horrible?

If she died tomorrow, would you feel guilty about not having visited more, or would you feel what you have done is reasonable?

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 29/09/2018 11:09

76 so not that elderly.

It's just small talk, which I find really draining, at least a row would be real.

If she died tomorrow I don't think I'd feel horribly guilty no.

@Lighthousesouth Thank-you for your reply, that was helpful.

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 29/09/2018 11:13

a long journey for small talk is really draining, yes. Watching the clock. Whole day lost.

Although it's been hugely stressful dad being ill, now he's back at home, wobbling about with his zimmer frame, I arrive there knowing I can make myself useful and don't have to just do small talk. So when I leave, my parents have got some benefit out of it and I feel I have helped them, so it's a different feeling.

Life in general involves a lot of small talk - work etc. It is a strain.

Tweakanddashi · 29/09/2018 11:13

I don't think that asking if you would feel guilty if she died tomorrow is the best test- when people die our emotions are all over the place and a guilt can get in more easily.

I'm in a similar ish position- my dad has been in hospital for just over a year. I visit him twice a week, 3 times if my mum needs more help (she always needs more help but I've also got young kids). Do I feel guilty for not visiting more? Yes.
Do I feel guilty for putting the kids in nursery and after school club so I can visit? Yes.
Do I feel guilty for never spending quality time for my DH? Yes.

Do I also sometimes need some time for myself? Yes.

It's all a balance and I don't think that you can assess what is right on the basis of guilt, because there is guilt in every direction.

Tweakanddashi · 29/09/2018 11:15

I've just seen that you don't feel guilty! Well done that is really great (what's your secret😉?).

Homemenu1 · 29/09/2018 11:17

Is there any chance you could go over in the evening after work one day. Mine are nearer then yours but I found an evening visit every now and again meant the weekend could be saved for other things

FrogFairy · 29/09/2018 11:56

Could you have a Face Time chat in lieu of some visits? I appreciate your my might not be into tech stuff but if she would try it would take the pressure off a bit.

Hadalifeonce · 29/09/2018 12:02

We have a similar problem, although my sister lives closer, our mum was expecting her to arrive on a set day every week. We discussed it and decided that it wasn't healthy for m y mother to have these expectations, as it put a lot of pressure on my sister. We decided that spontaneous visits were better, at first mum complained, but my sister calmly explained that it wasn't always convenient for her to go every Thursday morning. Now my sister will visit when she is able, and that might not be every week, but mum no longer complains about either the day or the frequency. My sister is far less stressed.

lelepond · 29/09/2018 12:17

How mobile is she? Does she do any activities where she can socialise?

DaniC18 · 29/09/2018 12:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Visiting every weekend probably isn't feasible and surely your mum knows that. Does she have any other visitors?
I see my mum every other week and speak to her on the phone probably once a week, twice at most. She accepts I'm busy and fills her time in other ways

RomanyRoots · 29/09/2018 12:31

I don't understand why you wouldn't go every week, but if you don't feel guilty that's up to you.
I'm glad I went every week as mine was the same, we did get on, but small talk was draining.
I just saw it as my duty and it wasn't that bad.
She died at 78, so I'm glad I did go to see her a lot, we too were an hour a way.

CheekyRedhead · 29/09/2018 12:31

In an hour from my mum and go most weeknds. I have one a month to myself. I go late Friday or Saturday morning and home Sunday evening. I speak to her every day. I'm an only child and my dad died four years ago who was the one I was very close to. no real relationship with my mum at the time.
Its tiring. Her small talk is frustrating. I doubt any man would be happy to take me on with this baggage BUT she's my mum, she lives alone, she's got mobility problems. She cared for me and now it's my turn. Our relationship has got better over the four years. I'll never be as close to her as I was my dad he was tactile and loving she is naturally colder but we have a good relationship.
You will feel guilty when the time comes that's she's no longer here. Give her your time while you can

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/09/2018 12:36

Why don't you like her?

AChickenCalledKorma · 29/09/2018 12:44

I think once a week plus three phone calls is quite generous, with the length of travel time involved. But I'm speaking from the perspective of someone whose remaining elderly parent is 400 miles away, so frequent visits are impossible. I go up for a weekend about once every two months and we speak every 2 or 3 days.

I'd love to be able to wrap him up in cotton wool and make his life much more interesting and less lonely. But I can only do what I have the time and energy to do.

Seaweed42 · 29/09/2018 12:47

76 may not be that elderly depending. How is she health wise?
It's difficult when people are negative and critical all the time.
An hour away means at least 4 hours away from your own family every weekend. It's a big ask. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. But my mother wasn't needy like yours. She was able to entertain herself and never emotionally blackmailed us or did the poor me thing for which I will be eternally grateful.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 29/09/2018 13:05

You could be doing this for 20 years

TemptressofWaikiki · 29/09/2018 13:07

I'd scale it back to once a month to manage her expectations.

Justanotheruser01 · 29/09/2018 13:09

My dad is the same i dont have time to trapise up and down to see them but he has a way of wording his text messages to guilt me if i miss a week wouldnt mind but i specifically remember when i was younger he didnt see his own every week and them saying my grandparents dont mind they know where we are and happy to know were ok and they was so why cant we apply that now!

rosablue · 29/09/2018 13:09

Just out of interest - how often did she go and visit her mum/dad/even PIL when they were in their 70s?

Is it because she gave up her life to spending weekends visiting others so now expects the same from you? Or did she do what she wanted (maybe there wasn't a 'need' in the same way or she wasn't local enough - don't think she actually needs you to visit) so enjoyed that time of her life but is not expecting you to do the same?

LighthouseSouth · 29/09/2018 13:13

I second the poster saying you could be doing this for 20 years

that's why I scaled back

I notice you speak on the phone 3 times a week, we did that too, for at least an hour, and they always knew that I would help out with anything they needed, so cutting back the social visits was perfectly reasonable in terms of saving my energy and mental resources.

obviously now dad is so ill, they are particularly seeing the sense to having cut back on the pointless chatting type visits because I have more in the tank, and haven't run out of sympathy for anything.

I am on the elderly parents thread and have talked about my sister doing absolutely zero to help in a crisis. That is different than avoiding a chore of small talk, I think, but I wouldn't even think she should feel guilty about that. I'm obviously pissed off because the burden is all mine, but I wouldn't dream of saying "you should feel guilty".

LighthouseSouth · 29/09/2018 13:15

also, my parents were quite a pain about really silly things on the "small talk" visit. They were/are also very very bored and used to want to talk particularly about my work - I don't want to talk about work when I've left the office.

Dad can't discuss politics without screaming and being very irrational. They have no hobbies. It became so difficult to fill the visit time.

eatingtomuch · 29/09/2018 13:17

OP I have a similar issue. My mum died (was an only child) but her mum (my grandmother is still alive). It's a 40 min trip to visit my gran, but she expects me to stay for hours and expects me to visit every weekend.

I work full time and I'm a single parent. I feel I lose a whole day every time I visit.

I do feel guilty. She is in her 90's and still lives independently. So I do visit most weeks. However, I also feel resentful that it takes me away from my home at the weekend and I struggle to keep on top of everything.

I don't have any words of wisdom but understand your dilemma and the pressures you feel to visit.

AnnabelleLecter · 29/09/2018 13:19

You don't sound at all ungrateful or spoilt.
Create boundaries like you would anyone else, say no and don't feel guilty because you chose to do something you enjoy doing, with people you like instead.

Ucantpo1ishaturd · 29/09/2018 14:30

Since when did Parents become such an inconvenience, i’d give anything to have mine back.

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