Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see my elderly mother every weekend

113 replies

AliceScarlett · 29/09/2018 10:56

I feel guilty all the time about it, but she is an hour away, we don't really get on, she never invites me! I have my own family and full-time job.
If I ever skip a week she will have a go at me for not coming.

I feel horribly ungrateful and spoilt. I just, urgh. I don't like her. But once a week isn't that much to ask is it? We also speak on the phone 3 times a week.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 03/10/2018 04:02

I do think these days it's better that people can admit they aren't capable of being a carer and find appropriate services. It's better than a vulnerable elderly person having a reluctant carer. I think the model of one person doing all the care is also now recognised as a bad model and damaging to the carer. Its a job that needs to be shared between people.

That's not to say we shouldn't try to have good relationships with different generations of our families, it just needs to be a healthy sustainable relationship and the arrangement the OP has isn't working.

shakeyourcaboose · 03/10/2018 12:31

@stillme l personally feel your use of the term 'farming out' quite upsetting and blinkered of how society works currently- my child HAS to go to childcare, my husband and l would not be able to work and run our house without our joint income. The term farm out to me has such a negative connotation that such a can't be arsed to do it.

Stillme1 · 03/10/2018 14:24

Shakey You don't like the use of the phrase "farm out". Maybe it is a bad choice of wording.

You said your DC HAS to go to childcare so that you have 2 incomes to run your house. Have you ever thought that time with the DC is more important than 2 incomes. I had to juggle that choice. I was not rich but I managed. The only time I had 2 incomes was when I worked 2 part time jobs.
Childcare, as far as I know, is costly. I would have to ask myself is this worth it? For people with 9 -5 hours I believe there are child care facilities. I believe that for shift workers child care is extremely difficult and if found at all is horribly expensive.
I was babysitting for shift workers so hours were strange, early i.e. 6 a.m. or on other days from mid afternoon to 2 a.m. I could not even get to appointments without being expected to take youngsters with me. Is all this worth it?
I have done the caring, I have babysat for shift workers but I have yet to really live my own life for doing things for other people.

Maybe I am seen as "she who will help with anything" after having cared for elderly. I don't have anything coming back to me. I don't need care but being kindly treated would be nice. Instead of people dashing to the outside of my house to drop DC perhaps come in chat have a cup of tea etc. Same at pick up that is arrive pick up child and go. It shows a rather uncaring ill mannered attitude.
Maybe all this got to work, got to have child in child care, got to have 2 cars got to have big or nice house is going to take a toll on those taking part in this constant high stress lifestyle. Seems high stress to me but I only see my part of it. Is it really the wisest choice.
A neighbour used to say to me "your health is your wealth" I didn't understand, believe me, I do know now. I am not concerned about money, I would love to have my health

Spinner2018g · 03/10/2018 14:27

I live several hours drive away from relatives. I visit about once a month. When there has been illness I've visited once or twice a week. I earn a decent wage, I've often wondered how people would visit so regularly on a lower wage. People are fortunate if their family live close.However, I think people should not be taken for granted and each person should be responsible for their own happiness. I have contemplated moving closer, but I've moved further away due to job commitments. I think that everyone needs to find their own balance related to care and communication

Gottagetmoving · 03/10/2018 14:38

I hope most of you have a better a relationship with your children when you are old. Must be horrible to know your kids are reluctant to spend time with you.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/10/2018 15:09

I think the best thing an older person (or any person) can do is have their own life and activities so

a. You actually have something interesting to talk about when you see your family rather than just whining

b. You aren't an emotional drain on your family

At 76 my DGF was going on holiday, taking classes meeting friends etc. We didn't see him often but had some amazing conversations and heard brilliant stories.

WhatHaveIFound · 03/10/2018 15:12

Gottagetmoving My mother was VERY vocal that she would not look after her own mother as she's witnessed her caring for her mother (my great grandmother) throughout her childhood. In fact she even moved away for several years leaving me to run around after my grandmother.

I go out of obligation but I am a loving daughter whilst i'm there and in her eyes I probably enjoy the gossip and don't mind doing the chores. But it is exhausting, both physically & mentally, especially when she was in hospital and i was doing it every single day for 6 weeks.

As for the relationship with my own children. Well it is completely different to the dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother when i was growing up. They know what it is to be loved and we love spending time together.

Cath2907 · 03/10/2018 15:17

My mum lives 30 mins away and I enjoy visiting her and Dad and we still don't do it every weekend. I have stuff to do. As does she! I also don't do duty phone calls. I think once/ fortnight is quite sufficient. Perhaps encourage her to get out more - join a sewing circle or WI or something?

DevonshireCreamTea · 03/10/2018 15:28

I feel sorry for some of the parents of the people on this post. Nothing but an inconvenience! Aren't your parents your family ? Abusive childhoods aside it's very weird.
I'm sure you won't be complaining when your own children grow up and don't bother to visit you !

tenbob · 03/10/2018 15:30

Biscuit Devonshire

Alconleigh · 03/10/2018 15:38

I live 2 hours away from my parents. I don't have children, but if I visited them every weekend, that's all I would do. I wouldn't see friends, go away for weekends, have a life........,my parents wouldn't want that any more than I do. I work full time with a 3.5 hour commute per day, so weekday visits aren't an option either. I probably see them about every 6 weeks.

My parents lived nowhere near either set of my grandparents either though so this is a pattern they lived themselves as well. It is getting harder though as my father is getting less mobile and not really engaging with the world as much, which is hard on my mum who is much more active, so I am thinking about how I might be able to spend more time with them.

OldShuck · 03/10/2018 15:38

My ma emigrated from her home Country, thus, no caring responsibilities towards her P's and she refused to help care for my df's parents. However, she expects me to care for her as well as having to care for my 2 disabled DC's Hmm

pumkinspicetime · 03/10/2018 15:45

I have always since I left home lived hundreds or sometimes thousands of miles away from DP's, I have rarely seen them more than once a year, if that. Social media allows regular contact between the wider family including DPs. I have no impulse to see my DPs more than my siblings and try and fit seeing everyone in.
I don't have expectations about my DC, I would like them to be happy to visit me but that may end up not being possible depending on where they end up, I didn't have them to provide care for me.
A relationship built on guilt and emotional manipulation doesn't seem worth a great deal to me, do what you are able to OP and don't feel guilt or stress.

Womaningreen · 03/10/2018 15:58

My parents left their home country
Didn't have to do anything except write occasionally.

AngelsSins · 03/10/2018 15:58

Must be horrible to know your kids are reluctant to spend time with you

You know what else is horrible? Being a kid and knowing your parents don’t want to spend time with you.

My dad would see me maybe once a month for a few hours, when he could be bothered, and did zero parenting. He hasn’t bothered to call me in almost 20 years now. Like hell will I be caring for him when he gets older.

RedTriangle · 03/10/2018 16:36

I won’t guilt my children into visiting me when I am older. It was my choice to have children and my choice to spend my time and money on them. They owe me nothing at all.

Having said that, I hope I am a good parent to them and that they enjoy spending time with me - so that they want to visit me - and not just feel they have to visit due to guilt and obligation.

crimsonlake · 03/10/2018 16:56

My mother lives nearly 2 hours away and I do not visit that often. I have sisters living in the same village and she seems to have a better social life than me, but speaking to her you would not think so. I feel that I can never win and however long my visit is is never good or long enough. I tend not to stay overnight as we do not make small talk , it is a monologue and she has no interest in anything I say and after 10 minutes I am crawling up the walls. I feel myself shutting down and always come away feeling bad about myself and full of guilt. It is made worse by the fact she always runs my siblings down and I know she will be doing the same about me. At the end of the day visiting parents should be about wanting to spend time with them and not about being guilt tripped. I hope I remember this when I am old, I certainly apply this with my own Uni aged children.

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 17:06

I'd be so sad not to see my elderly parents even for small talk, a couple of times a week. But I have really good relationships (although dementia is making things very tricky) and moved closer to help my sibling with them, so that's why I want to go, not out of guilt.

In contrast to my parental relationship I also have a close family member who has a visit from one of us family every other day plus a rota basis of calls to check on them each evening. That still isn't enough and we each listen to that relative slag off the rest of the family, every time we visit or call. It is very draining. If this is your situation with your Mum then I totally get why you don't want to go every week!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/10/2018 17:36

Phone daily just to touch base and check she's ok, and visit fortnightly. On your fortnightly visit take her out for tea. A change of environment might stimulate conversation and also feel like a bit more of a treat.

LaLoba · 03/10/2018 17:38

Must be horrible to know your kids are reluctant to spend time with you

Horrible was witnessing my mother beat my then 4 year old brother because he’d disturbed her by breaking his leg. Or keeping my own and my siblings’ illnesses secret, while trying to look after them while I was still a child myself.
There’s some talk here about how parents cared for their kids. The vicious old witch who calls herself my mother did not care for me or her multitude of children, that was my job. I owe her (and my spineless father) absolutely nothing.

Gottagetmoving · 03/10/2018 17:57

I wasn't talking about people who had abusive or neglectful parents. I hope those people have a better relationship with their children than they had with their parents.
My mother was very difficult and caused a lot of problems when I was growing up so I've made sure I was a better mum to my kids.

MarklahMarklah · 03/10/2018 18:13

I feel guilt-tripped and personally guilty when I visit a relative of mine. My parents are no longer living, and this relative is very elderly, has dementia, and is a similar distance away to yours, OP.

It is possible to make small-talk of sorts for a while, but unfortunately paranoia and hallucinations make it difficult to actually conduct any meaningful conversation. Then when we've been there around 2 hours (and have not actually properly conversed) the relative asks when we'll be back, asks us to be sure to come back, not to forget them ,etc.

We visit approx every 10 days, and I've a small child to care for, so it really isn't possible to visit more frequently. I can't house the relative with me as I am unable to provide for their needs, so we are in a care-home situation. Staff here are very attentive and do encourage residents to undertake different activities, as well as engage in conversation and discussions (as far as is possible) with them. Everyone gets 1-2-1 attention on a daily basis.
I still feel bad that I can't do more, but also find it extremely draining when we do visit.

LaLoba · 03/10/2018 19:07

@Gottaget

I hear you, and I’m glad to hear of anyone breaking the cycle by being better. I broke the cycle by not having children, and believe in doing so I’m a better mother than my own who had double figures, none of whom have a good word to say about her, and most won’t leave their children alone with her.
There will be no one to look after me if I outlive my husband, and that’s ok, because it’s always been that way.
I just recoil when I hear anything along the lines of “oh but she’s your mum, you only get one” etc. Abusive and neglectful parenting isn’t really so rare, unfortunately, and many people have valid reasons to protect their well being by limiting, or ceasing contact.

Gottagetmoving · 03/10/2018 19:30

@LaLoba
My own mother was very difficult. She had a drink problem and was abusive. I understand if people cut ties with bad parents. I know my mother had a bad history herself so although it wasn't an excuse, I did understand why she was damaged.
I did keep in contact for that reason. I pitied her and learned a lot from her despite everything.
It's not the same for everyone, I know.

Lizzie48 · 03/10/2018 20:15

I confess that I've pulled back from seeing my DM. She's 79 and still very active (spending 3 months a year in Africa doing Christian charity work). I know she's lonely and struggling to cope with revelations from DSis and me about childhood SA suffered at the hands of our abusive F. She didn't protect us, though she says she never knew about it.

The problem is, she's very controlling, she always has to be in charge. She interferes in our parenting of our adopted DDs (9 and 6), she oversteps the mark. I believe she means well, but it's so stressful being around her. So I've gone low contact with her to protect myself and my DDs, we hardly see her now, which is sad, as I know why she is how she is (going back to her own childhood.

I don't think you should feel any guilt about visiting your DM less. I've never visited my DM as often as you're doing (although I used to call her as often as you're doing), once a week is definitely going above and beyond any call of duty. You do need to think of yourself and your own family as well. That's a lesson I'm learning, my DDs needs come first and I'm no longer feeling guilty about it.