To not see my elderly mother every weekend

[AliceScarlett]

I feel guilty all the time about it, but she is an hour away, we don't really get on, she never invites me! I have my own family and full-time job.
If I ever skip a week she will have a go at me for not coming.

I feel horribly ungrateful and spoilt. I just, urgh. I don't like her. But once a week isn't that much to ask is it? We also speak on the phone 3 times a week.

OP you said in your post that you feel guilty all the time and then later said you wouldn't feel guilty if she died? I don't really understand that - why then feel guilty all the time? I think you do often feel guilty when a parent dies - it's an awful yet very usual part of grief and of course you can never make it up to them. Regret is awful.

My 90 yr old Dad lives only half an hour away so I realise it's different. I go every Saturday morning just for a couple of hours - 10.30 - 12.30 or 1. It's easier because we have a chat over a cup of coffee, maybe I de-snag stuff on his computer, we gossip about the news and family and then go for a little walk round the garden as I leave. It's actually less of a burden because it's short and regular - I don't have to think through when I'm going to go and lose a whole day which made me feel worse somehow.

And I think it sets the example to my kids so maybe they might visit me when I'm old!

I occasionally can't make the visit if I'm away but I know he misses it when I do. It gives him something to look forward to as he is quite lonely since my Mum died. And I guess it's nice to have someone who wants to hear my news. I was never really close to him but it feels kinder now - I've had a different relationship with him since my mother died that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

This isn't meant as a criticism - just another point of view. Short and regular can be easier sometimes.

@ Gottagetmoving
I don’t think you’ll ever need to worry about your children being reluctant to see you.

Op I feel your conflict and it’s not easier if you don’t really get on. I do think the question ‘if my aged parent died tomorrow would I feel guilty’ is useful. you are asking it of yourself before the event and whilst not in the throws of grief etc when no doubt you will feel guilty no matter whether you ‘should’ or not.

I asked it of myself regularly before my dad died and made sure I did what I could for the rational answer to be ‘no’. It helped afterwards.

I see my elderly ma (mid 80s and living alone) once a week (1.5 hours travel each way) and have recently changed to arriving later in the day and staying over. It seems to work better than a whole day being ‘visiting mum’. I also see things I can help with/can cook her breakfast etc in ways a day visit often didn’t allow. I do however draw the line and don’t tend to watch her Jessica fletcher/midsummer murders/death in paradise type evening tv with her ! We definitely listen to the archers together.

@ Gottagetmoving I don’t think you’ll ever need to worry about your children being reluctant to see you

I hope not.
It's not been plain sailing between me and my children because I think having had a 'bad' parent, does leave it's mark. The difference is, I have always been aware that children are affected by parents,...My mother refused to see that.

As some more recent PPs have alluded to, this isn’t so much about how much your parents cared for you or how your relationship is with them and more about how draining 21st century life can be.

You can’t pour from an empty cup used to be a common saying on mumsnet waaay back.

I couldn’t do what you do OP and help my kids have a fulfilled weekend. They’d go insane sat in a car for two hours - they don’t get enough sport at school as it is.

A full-time workingmum, running a household, trying to be a good parent and a good child is my definition of emptying your cup.

On any given day - depending what other shit I’ve got going on - I’m a bad friend, bad daughter, bad Mum, bad grand-daughter, bad sister, bad wife, bad employee. Simply by being absent or not 100% engaged.

The thing that keeps me sane is that I know l’ll be there if any of those people need me I’ll find the strength. I’ve done it before, and I’m sure you have too OP. Show love as best you can - that’s all you can do. Quality not quantity. xx

Technology can be really helpful. I see my parents nearly every day, as my Mum is chronically ill, but we now have the Amazon Echo Shows and that means that I can just 'drop in' on them with a video call to their lounge through the day, either from the Echo Show or my mobile phone. They've also got an Echo Spot in their bedroom. On days when I'm too busy to visit, instead of feeling let down, they now cheerfully say "it's ok, we've seen you now, so it's like having a visit", whereas before, they would feel like they hadn't seen anyone.

There are some judgy pant wearers on this thread.

for you OP.

I have a 2hour drive to watch my DM play my kids off against other. It's vile to watch, especially the one who is bullied. I don't want t her to see him again . But no, I'm the black sheep of the family for not going to see her.

We behave as we are taught. My DM refused to lift a finger to help her aging parents.

It’s very complicated and unbelievably individual dynamic going on. I’m not sure I agree with ‘we all behave as we were brought up’ vis a vis caring for elderly parents etc. In my family I think amongst us siblings we have a variety of ‘behaving as we were brought up’ ‘behaving despite the way we were brought up’ ‘behaving in addition to the way we were brought up’ downright behaving badly and behaving well ( but even those are only from my own perspective and once I try to think about theirs that label can change) etc etc. As I got older I found it easier to put to one side all sorts of ‘stuff’ and just get on with looking after. One of my siblings could not do this and I respect them for that position partly because we have spoken about it. When I was younger this would have been very much more difficult. I still ‘vent’ to poor long-suffering partner and/or siblings after certain visits but that’s natural. I suspect my aged ma vents to friends at times also when I ‘meddle’ (eg replace her deadly old dangerous kettle or similar). We do what we can and generally it’s supportive both ways.

Sorry it was ‘behave as we were taught’ which I misquoted. Subtly different but think my thoughts in pp remain as they were.

Well, that told us then.

My Mum lives next door so there is no escape. I see her almost daily for varying amounts of time.

I live abroad and she moved out here to be with us. She's only early 70's so not old.

She has no hobbies, no outside interests, only one friend, no car, never has any money and just yaps on and on about shit, the neighbours, what she watched on TV, people I don't know and have zero interest in.
Plus she repeats herself (no dementia). It's like bingo.

Going anywhere with her is embarrassing as I can see people glazing over or edging away and she just ploughs on regardless.

I suppose because she doesn't do anything or go anywhere she has nothing else to talk about.

I try really hard to make the weekends interesting but I feel like I have no down time. I feel like she thinks it's my responsibility to make her happy because she moved here.

I feel guilty if me and DH go somewhere without her, he doesn't want her to come because of the endless yammering, plus she hardly ever says thanks for a nice lunch/dinner or whatever. It makes him mad.

Extremely self absorbed, hardly ever asks about me, my life, my job and on the rare occasion she does it's shut down quickly so she can get back to boring for England.

Today my bro should be getting his results from a biopsy, has she asked him how he got on? No, too busy with her other a self absorbed shite.

I have a difficult job and an exhausting commute but there is never any thought for how I am. Lucky I have this job as I have to subsidise her all the time and it's just expected, I feel like a bank.

We had a better relationship when she didn't live here TBH.

I do love my Mum but I didn't feel loved when I was younger, no hugs, kisses etc. Just shouting and indifference because she favoured my bro back then.

Sorry that turned into a rant.

Chicagolil. Don’t know but can only think that ‘well that’s told us then was for me’. I wasn’t telling anything quite the opposite - was accepting that it’s really difficult and not always easy (within my own siblings I know that). Not sure why you thought that was telling anything. Had hoped I was simply contributing to thoughts about really complex dynamics.

I am so lucky to have wonderful siblings I can talk to and who share the load. One thing that was agreed was that I should do fewer visits because my children are still small and need me more. It is also great that the children-in-law do so much to help my mother. DH is fantastic and I love him so much for it, especially as my mother is not always easy. My heart goes out to all the women on this thread expected to care for parents single-handedly.