To not see my elderly mother every weekend

[AliceScarlett]

I feel guilty all the time about it, but she is an hour away, we don't really get on, she never invites me! I have my own family and full-time job.
If I ever skip a week she will have a go at me for not coming.

I feel horribly ungrateful and spoilt. I just, urgh. I don't like her. But once a week isn't that much to ask is it? We also speak on the phone 3 times a week.

I disagree that previous generations didn't have to worry about this.
Many sahm's were expected to care for their own parents and their ils my grandma lived with my parents for 10 years after having a stroke.
They did everything for her, between them. They also had 2 of us as kids at the same time. They were not alone it was the norm, the homes if they did exist were worse than today and older people didn't want to go.
We do far less nowadays because most people work, previous generations had it much worse than a visit once a week.

I think there were probably exceptions to the rule but people didn't live as long, they also had their children younger so they were off their hands by the time the grandparents were older.

If you had a child at 25, you'd only be in your early 40s by the time they were adult. Your parents were probably only in their 60s by then. Even though 60 was more like 70 now, it wasn't old.

My two grandmothers were cared for by their children (and one lived to over 100), but neither ever became bedridden or couldn't take themselves to the loo. Also people lived much closer to each other.

Is she unpleasant or is it just boring? Can you get her out and about doing stuff, then you have things to talk about. Does she get out herself?

Maybe cut down on visits but have her come to you for a weekend once in a while.... Maybe.

I also think you pay it forward. Your parents cared for you, you care for your children.

Going every weekend is crazy.

I;d scale that back to once a month plus frequent phone calls.

If her life is so empty that she needs you to visit ever week, woudl she consider moving to be near you? Much easier if you can just pop in for 10 ins and a cup of tea on the way home a few nights a week.

Better to scale back the visits now when she is only 76 and still has the chance to go out, get some hobbies and try to make a life for herself. If she chooses not to try to do this that isn't your fault.

As others have said you could be stuck doing this for another 20 years and you're a person too. You are allowed to have other things in your life.

I don't have much natural affection for my mother because she wasn't a great parent to me. Not awful, I know she loved me, but that close and loving relationship was either never formed or broken when I was in my teens and early 20s. Now she drives me crazy with her once a week phone call - what on earth do those of you who speak every day find to talk about?

I see mine about once every 3 months. She is 2 hours drive away.

I lost my dad just over a year ago so I call and visit my DM a lot more frequently now because she's lonely. Fortunately she lives very close to me, so it's not too time consuming. I visit her for a couple of hours at the weekend, and call three times a week. The only drain is that because she has hardly anyone else to talk to, she speaks non-stop, telling me all the most mundane stuff about the neighbours, and has little interest in my life apart from asking how my teenage DDs are, or asking after the health of my poorly FIL. I plan to look in to what clubs/interests/activities are available for older people in our area, where she could meet other like minded people. I think a lot of the time the older generation are afraid to go out and mix or seek out a hobby and they're just lonely and want someone to talk to.

"Put your own oxygen mask on first." That's the key here. I've had this with my dad (in his 80s with dementia and frail), but have been very strict in doing what I feel I can cope with, when I can cope with it. When he was first taken ill, I was visiting every other day after work, on the other side of town just to make sure he ate food. Then we got him into sheltered housing and I cut it down to once a week, not on the weekend unless for a very special reason. That works for me, midweek visit for some quality time. Well, for him it's quality time, I am basically on stage for a few hours keeping his spirits up and the talk away from the bad subjects than send him into the darkest places of his memory and the ranting that follows makes me want to self harm before I walk out or worse. It's exhausting. Some weeks I get home and just sob into my partner's arms, other weeks are not so bad. What I did not do was ask permission about frequency of visits, just do what you need to do and she'll get used to it, whether that's a visit every second weekend or even once a month. Your mum is lucky in that she gets way more phone calls than my dad (almost zero) because I find that almost equally exhausting. Oh and ignore people who say, huh, why can't you just do xyz. They don't have to deal with her, you do. Best of luck. (PS, I know I probably come across as quite hard in my posts, but that's me being honest and reflecting on the difficult things life has dealt me.)

OP someone talked about being on stage, it's like that isn't it, it's exhausting

I talked about having reduced visits so I had something in the tank for dad's recent ongoing illness

So much for that, I had a near breakdown yesterday

I wish I had not spent so many years being there every weekend and helping with the little things

Really I wish I'd moved far away but I was first called to a death bed 20 years ago, have repeated the experience many times...but modern medicine is something else. Can't get a fucking tranquilliser prescribed but can drag people back from the edge several times.

No one knows what will happen in the future, with hindsight we should have moved ten years ago, which is when we first considered it.

Posters suggesting you get your mother to move nearer, if she is already asking for a weekly visit and three phone calls a week, NO WAY.

I felt this and now try to see my mum every 2 weeks and she knows that. Also sometimes if I don't feel like it I now just say. I don't dislike her it just seems a bit of chore and we are not close close and it's a whole day trip but she is 82 and who knows what might happen.

However my dad now deceased I actively disliked for many reasons they were divorced. He draiined my time and energy and I thought when he dies I wouldn't feel guilty at all. Well turns out I was wrong and I do feel terrible guilt. If you are a decent human being and you sound like you are you would feel guilty too.

Just try to get a balance that works for you.

I find my mum physically draining but i try to visit my parents every couple of weeks because i'm all the family they have living nearby. In between visits i speak to them every other day, including when i'm working away.

When i go there there's always a few jobs that need doing. Added to this I have to take time away from my own family as the teenage DC often have stuff on and DH occasionally works weekends.

Do i do it out of guilt? - Yes.
Will i be relieved when i don't have to do it any more? - Probably.

I wish there was an easy answer for this but i haven't found one yet. Maybe you could find excuses why you can't visit every once in a while to give yourself a break?

I live 3 hours away, my DB 20 minutes I probably see my parents more though. They are both difficult characters (being polite). I have a second home near them and try to stay there once a week. It is expected of me that I visit. During those visits my DF will just ignore me my DM will moan and complain about everything. I am expected to run around after her. There are times I absolutely dread going. I do it though

Why not Skype her for ten mins every other day or so? Takes the pressure off and the round journey must really eat into your weekend.

It's worth looking at what DM did for her parents. If she didn't look after them it helps with the guilt.
If she is fit then I would cut back or change visit time. There will possibly come a time when you have to visit more often.
I am amazed that these oldies can expect family to sit around drinking tea every week , my DM had 4 long visits a week and would have liked more, I am determined not to expect this of my DCs. I Think that peoples confidence goes as they age so handing responsibility for their social life to their DCs is the easiest option, if selfish.

Fekko, op calls on the phone three times a week.

Sorry I was skimming through and missed that.

I don't think everyone died young about 100 years ago. I have had several ancestors live until mid to late 90s. From information I have gathered the older people were always looked after in old age.
I know my DM looked after various elderly relatives. I would not have had it any other way. I have compassion. I did it all alone for 20 years. I worked and I had DCs. I was a single parent. I just learned to go faster all the time. DParents are dead now.

My children saw all this. They must also have seen that ExP was conspicuous by his absence. They know what he did,
The Ex reappeared when the DCs were adults. This was after he was liable to pay maintenance.
I paid things for them, to help them a bit. I babysat at whatever hour of the day. I got sick, not dying or disfigured. I was still babysitting. Then I asked for something and I was cut off completely I noticed that the only time I was seen or spoken to was in connection with babysitting. I don't think this generation of adults care about people at all They just don't want to do anything for parents or older relatives, With the amount of babysitting I was doing I am not so sure they even care about their DCs.
I have learned my lesson. Things are not going both ways here. The EX who reappeared is being treated like royalty. Their choice. Their DCs can see this, the DCs have even intervened when EX has been abusive to me. Maybe the DGC will remember what they saw as the way to treat older people. This may eventually backfire.

Three of my grandparents died in their 60's the other dropped dead at 80 and was still fully independent. No caring required.
My dp's also retired very early 50's and we were all grown up.
I don't have a wonderful relationship with my dp's because of various things. I still visit fairly regularly but keep it very short otherwise all I hear about is the full synopsis of every daytime TV program that my mum watches. Dad hardly speaks, they never go out, ever and have nothing to say.
OTOH I love spending time with my ILS who are the same age as my dp's but have hobbies and interests and holidays and go out all the time. They have lots to say and will do things with us whereas my dp's seem to have just given up wanting to do anything.

I had a great aunt who had a miserable time caring for her elderly parents as the only daughter. People in the past wouldn't have found it any easier.

Whenever people talk about times or places where family care for their elderly relatives I just think "I bet there is plenty of elder abuse behind closed doors".

Why don’t you like her? This sounds such a sad situation.

It's interesting that some say "oh you must do x and y and z, how could you not?" - I am told how easy it is to be the daily carer by family who live 200 miles away, and that they would have done it better than I am doing. The difference is that where they live everything (hospital, care homes) is a 5 mins drive away. Where I live, these options are a minimum of 40mins drive away and often further.

And when they come to visit they stay in DM's house, so none of life's daily domestic drudgery and/or paid work to do. So of course it is easy to be the white knight, while the poor sap on the ground is actually the one juggling everything every hour of the day and knowing that it is potentially going to go on for a very long time.

@SnuggyBuggy - I would not have dared to mistreat my parents or grandparents however there were those who did or tried and I know who they are. They were and are the least caring individuals I have ever met. Not only did they not care about older people their care of the younger people left/leaves a lot to be desired.
It is all about respect and a certain generation just don't seem to have any for anyone.
Caring is not easy but not everyone who is a carer is an abuser. It is more likely to be the ones who don't care in both terms

Oh no I certainly wasn't suggesting that all carers are abusive or that it should be seen as inevitable. I just don't believe there was ever a golden age of perfect families caring for their elders.

@Snuggybuggy - It really is not easy being a carer but I never felt abused by the older people I cared for. I did feel anger towards the Government who pay a pittance in Carers Allowance. During my time in receipt of that benefit it amounted to £35 per week at the start and about £55 at the end a few years ago. I also thought the NHS were a bit ridiculous to expect that an administration type of worker could or should be left in sole charge of any persons with multiple conditions. Despite all this I cared and I would do it all again but my health is awful now probably as a result of the stress.

I only know what happened in my family and those around me during my lifetime. I am as sure as I can be that there was no abuse. As family research has shown X died at the home of DD and DSIL or Y died at the home of his late brother and wife in the care of his niece the sole occupant of the house at that time. I did not personally know these people but I did know their descendants.
I am now looking at younger persons in the family. They don't bother with any of the older persons (those over 45 and upwards). They farm out school children to relatives, nurseries, schools, before care and after care in the schools. They don't seem to me to be family involved outside of handing over DCs for babysitting,
I find it sad especially for the youngest people who will never know what it is like to have multiple relatives of all ages all round the one table or going in a number of cars to have a picnic with all ages of relatives. I look back on those days with affection and pleasure that I was there.