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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see my elderly mother every weekend

113 replies

AliceScarlett · 29/09/2018 10:56

I feel guilty all the time about it, but she is an hour away, we don't really get on, she never invites me! I have my own family and full-time job.
If I ever skip a week she will have a go at me for not coming.

I feel horribly ungrateful and spoilt. I just, urgh. I don't like her. But once a week isn't that much to ask is it? We also speak on the phone 3 times a week.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 29/09/2018 14:33

can you go out with her, save on small talk? go for a walk. meet half way?

LittleBookofCalm · 29/09/2018 14:35

my dm visits me but she asks and although i dont often appreciate her, there is a sense of duty.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 29/09/2018 14:42

People have different relations with their parents. Some get on well so it's not an issue to visit every week. Others don't have a great relationship and are less willing to comply.

Jenny70 · 29/09/2018 14:46

Plan something for one weekend, tell your Mum you won't be able to come the following weekend. Then when you go in a fortnight, say you have a lot to do at home next weekend, so you'll see her in 2 weeks, and continue doing the fortnightly thing... either by making excuses for each weekend (away, house jobs, someone's birthday celebration) or be up front and say you're feeling run down and need some down time on each alternate weekend, so will only come every second weekend.

See how that goes, then if you are still feeling burdened, then see what else you can make work.

Ultimately, she needs her own friends and social connections - does she have this? Might be worth investing some time to get her connected with her community and hobbies she enjoys, giving her more independence and not relying on you for all her social interaction (if this is the case).

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/09/2018 16:09

What @Jenny70 has suggested is a great way to go. I wouldn't have a big conversation about why you're not going to visit every weekend. One or two visits a month is better for everyone than every weekend - you are entitled to your own life. And the more you do, the more it is normalized and expected. This also leaves no room to encourage the elderly person's independence.

My mother is 3 years widowed and she will do nothing for herself now. She is dependent on me for company and it is very tedious and draining. I have had to step back because I have a young family, husband and myself to consider. I visit once a month for a weekend (from overseas). We speak once a day via FaceTime for around 20-40 minutes. If I had to work too then I could not facilitate this call. When I was working my mother still expected it. Also, her conversation is very depressing and repetitive. Daily phone calls leave no room for any time to pass to have something to talk about. Instead, you just get caught up in the minutiae of their daily life. Talk of putting bins out and odd jobs around the house seems to be sole discussion. This is not your natural role. You are there to step in and help but not to become overwhelmed by their day to day existence. In this my mother has tried to replace my father with me. I'm not interested in this.

In answer to some posters who say they wish they still had their parents and ask when parents became burdens: your parents are not my parents. My parents were horrible to me growing up and my mum is not much better now. I am an only child and I do my best, despite feeling resentment and having to process the many years of our dysfunctional relationship.

Make time for yourself OP. You are doing your best. Don't feel guilty and don't bend to complaints from your mother that you're not doing enough.

AlphaBravo · 29/09/2018 16:14

I genuinely hope my kids don't feel like you all do about coming to see me when I'm older 😥

Unic0rnwrapp · 29/09/2018 16:50

What do you do when you go to visit ? Are you able to go out together somewhere for coffee and cake, lunch or dinner ? What about to cinema, theatre, local art exhibition or fair. Or a walk in the park. Have a look on local website to see what is on.

MatildaTheCat · 29/09/2018 17:05

I would cut back to alternate weekends or at least skip one quite frequently. My experience has been that this gets worse.

My FIL is quite local and has several DC and their spouses nearby. He has got much frailer and as this happened he naturally needed more visits and help. Which is fine. But now he’s living in an absolutely beautiful nursing home with lovely people on tap and an activity programme to keep him interested and amused but still he calls endlessly asking where we are and what we are doing. He invents stuff he ‘needs’ and guilt trips everyone that he’s lonely and depressed.

This must make me sound nasty but we are all fed up. He wants us to visit every day, be available at all times and prioritise him above all else. He is very well cared for and does not have dementia, his boundaries are simply all out.

My advice is to be a little less available, make some plans which mean you can’t always visit and contto support from home. 76 isn’t old for most people. The more she relies on you the worse it will get.

True emergency we will drop everything, that goes without saying.

scaryteacher · 29/09/2018 17:07

I last saw my Mum(78) in June and won't see her again til December, but she has a very full and busy life; we speak at least twice a day on the phone, and we live in different countries - I'm in Belgium, she's in Devon.

When we move back next year and I am 15 minutes away, then I'll see her a couple of times a week at least, and probably have her over for Sunday lunch once a month or so. I fully expect to be her bitch for a bit until the novelty of having one of her kids in the same vicinity wears off. I also expect to do all the chauffeuring for hospital appointments etc as well.

However, I will have been abroad for 13 years give or take by the time we move back, and my db has been abroad, or posted elsewhere as well, so she's had to cope on her own for a while.

shakeyourcaboose · 29/09/2018 17:11

@AlphaBravo are you kind to your children, do you care about them and act like you do, so you speak well of them , has there been any reason or incidents for contact not to happen. You cannot use such guilt laden language (and emoji!) Until you accept everyone has a different life experience.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 29/09/2018 17:16

AlphaBravo Sat 29-Sep-18 16:14:51
I genuinely hope my kids don't feel like you all do about coming to see me when I'm older 😥

I think if you've been there for them when they were children, through the teenage years and then as adults , showed them love, treated them well and listened to them without constant criticism then I imagine you'll have nothing to worry about.

I think if you've been a good parent then your children are most likely to treat you well when they're older.

SerenDippitty · 29/09/2018 17:17

I totally get the guilt. I lived ten minutes drive away from my late mother. She was widowed when I was in my teens and never remarried and I was the one of her children who stayed local. Even before she got frail and dependent I saw her three times a week - two evenings and Sunday afternoons. And on the days I didn’t see her we’d speak on the phone. I felt terribly guilty if I ever missed a visit or forgot to phone on a non visiting day. Or did anything with DH that didn’t include her. What I’m trying to say is don’t feel guilty!

usertenmillion · 29/09/2018 17:22

This is me too. I used to have to go every sunday but I just told her it would be every second sunday from now on. She made a face but said nothing. then a few days after I'd told her I wouldn't be coming, she'd ask again and when I said not this sunday she'd reply ''i've bought the meat''. It got a bit tense for a while. It took a good six months for her to GET IT
Like you, the small talk is so exasperating. Nothing real.

EarlyModernParent · 29/09/2018 17:30

Even in a good relationship visits have to be balanced with other things. That's why the guilt trips are so unfair.

I told my mother directly that I would not go and see her at weekends because I really needed to spend time with my young children, or do calls at work. I do plenty of other things, speak to her every couple of days and visit in school holidays.

GreenIce · 29/09/2018 17:32

YANBU. I have a similar situation and worse still I have two sisters who live abroad, they visit infrequently and phone fairly often but both are very wrapped up in their own lives. I'm expected to do everything for my parents and am guilt tripped if I don't visit twice a week. Set boundaries you are comfortable with, live your own life too.

RiverTam · 29/09/2018 17:38

Possibly my view is skewed because my mum is a few years older and is also terminally ill (though doing pretty well, all things considered). I don’t consider it a waste to travel 90 mins on public transport to spend an afternoon a week with her, often just doing the crossword or reading the paper together, she might doze off on the sofa. She is unable to travel to me so this is how it is. Because she’s my mother, not always the most maternal woman but she’s my mum and I love her.

I hope DD never feels as some of you do. I find the person who’s FIL is in a lovely nursing home deeply unempathetic, a nursing home is not your own home, however lovely it is. So easy to dump the old folk in one and abdicate responsibility. I bet he’s terrified he’ll be forgotten about.

Charley50 · 29/09/2018 17:57

"Since when did Parents become such an inconvenience, i’d give anything to have mine back." - someone always comes on to say this. Not all parents are good parents, and even when they are, years and years and potentially more years(!) of being responsible for them is enough to push a person to their limit.

RiverTam · 29/09/2018 18:15

Your parents will have spent 18 years at least being responsible for you, 24/7, and no doubt quite a few more worrying about you, helping you out etc. Versus one afternoon a week. Yeah, that compares, doesn’t it?

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 29/09/2018 18:19

Op has two days off a week, it's too much to spend one of them every week visiting. And I say this as someone who dm has passed away. She filled her own life and enjoyed hearing about the things me and her grdnchildren did. And then we loved it when we did meet up.

LittleBookofCalm · 29/09/2018 18:20

I work with the elderly and feel very sad when their relatives aren't attentive. it gives me the push to see my dm

Time4change2018 · 29/09/2018 18:27

Our parents in all likelihood didn't have these pressures. Living longer means we look after for longer also.
My grandparents had all passed by the time I wasp 10 and my mother worked patt time so she didnt have the added pressures most have today of working, running a house and helping manage parents appointments, shopping, entertainment etc
I don't have an answer as I choose to care for mine but it is draining emotionally and physically

shoofly · 29/09/2018 19:59

My father died 21 years ago, my sister went to America 17 years ago. I got married April 16 years ago and that November my mother went into hospital for a "minor" operation to remove an ovarian cyst. She eventually came out the following March and for the next 16 years, she was in hospital at least once a year. My husband spent the first Christmas of our married life ferrying my Mums friends to and fro while I cooked Christmas dinner for them and her (she was allowed out of hospital for a few hours). We live a good 2 hours from my home town where she lived. I have 2 kids, I've spent the last 16 years up and down that road to see her. She died in March, I miss her so much, but I don't underestimate the impact her ill health has had on the life of my husband and my children. I'd love her here, laughing in my kitchen, but the driving down the road to clear the food from the fridge that I'd put in it the previous weekend, and the persuading her to eat? Nope, don't miss that. I spoke to her most days. I still had a phone call from my cousin because ,"your Mum hasn't heard from you in weeks..." "I spoke to her at 2 oclock"
Her friend rang, "just wanted to know are you coming down, your Mum is worried..." ,
"I was there at the weekend" ,
What I'm trying to say is, you need to do what you can cope with, you need to drop the guilt. For the posters who don't understand and say "I hope my kids don't speak about me like you lot do...." until you're in this situation shut up, be kind.

MarcieBluebell · 29/09/2018 20:06

Do you have siblings?

Could your mum move nearer to you if there's noone near her?

Unic0rnwrapp · 29/09/2018 23:00

People generally need more care as they get older...

5foot5 · 30/09/2018 00:05

She died at 78, so I'm glad I did go to see her a lot, we too were an hour a way.

So what if she had lived until 88? Would you have been just as happy to spend another decade forfeiting every weekend of family life?

I think there is a generation facing these issues that their parents didn't have to. I know people in their 60s still having to care for elderly parents and some still helping out their own children.

My own parents are now dead, however PIILs are in late 80s and needing more help. Fair enough but I can't help reflecting that when FIL was the age DH is now (60) he had already been retired for four years and was living the life of Riley with no responsibilities and three or four holidays a year. Yet he now expects DH, who still has a full time job, to be in touch several times a week and make the 250 mile round trip to visit every three weeks at least