Not to want to be the unpaid help for my working friends’ children?

[EmGee]

I am a SAHM and have no plans to go back to work for at least another year. I have always been more than happy to help out friends (working or not) with school drop offs/pick ups/sleepovers/play dates in holidays etc when needed.

I’ve always shied away from anything concrete or regular eg every Monday morning. My rationale is that I am a SAHM as it suits our family life - DH works long hours, with some travel, overnight conferences, dinners etc - so I’m there for the kids. But I don’t want the responsibility for any one else’s child on a fixed basis.

I have a friend who is returning to work soon and it’s the kind of work where th

I did help out term time but when asked to cover 3 days in holidays i said no , she got another friend to do it and has been really off with me since

Do not offer! Change the subject if she tries to hint. Seriously, this is the kind of thing that can quickly escalate and ruin a friendship.

By regular I mean 3x every week. I am more than happy to help at as long as it is not an expected every day thing. Argh. Now I do feel mean. She is a good friend. But I didn’t choose to stay a SAHM to look after other children (except on an ad-how basis).

AS PP's have said, no, no, no! Don't mention it and don't offer to be emergency care UNTIL she's gone back to work and has regular childcare set up. Once she's got herself organised, you can do her a favour every now and then as any good friend would.

Honestly, please don't offer! I carpooled with a part-time working parent when I was a SAHP and my share of rides went up and up - she'd even get me to do it when she was off work! It really damaged our friendship and when my DD changed schools, I never offered to do her any favours at all, because I knew what she was like!

She started asking someone else and exactly the same thing happened to them!

What has she hinted at but not asked outright?

A) to have her dc 3x/week?
B) to be emergency back up?

I assume it is the former.

The problem is that if you offer to help, you are pretty much offering a commitment. Of course you want to help out if you get a text from her, telling you she's stuck and can you help out, but offering - don't do it. No matter how good friends you are, it's a recipe for disaster. You will end up feeling taken advantage of (and you probably will be) and she will end up feeling put out if you try and reduce the help. Your friend needs to get proper childcare in place before she goes back to work.

@EmGee

I have a similar issue. Not the same but similar.

I took early retirement after 35 years of working (25 years in a busy, professional career,) and moved house a year or so after, to a small, rural area, in a smallish village (with 350 people.)

Within a few months of getting to know people, and joining a couple of hobby groups, and going to Church several times, I was constantly being badgered to do things, give people lifts, get involved in 'voluntary work,' get onto the cleaning rota for the parish hall and the Church, host coffee mornings, look after peoples kids etc etc, and it really got on my nerves.

I had spent my whole adult life up to my early 50's, (so 30-35 years,) raising my kids, looking after elderly and ailing parents and in-laws, and looking after my family and home; all whilst working/building a career. And by 52/53, I was finally at a point where I had no kids at home, my parents and in-laws had passed, and I was able to give up work.

I decided after being everything to everyone for so many years, I was going to just be selfish, and do stuff for me, and enjoy my freedom, and 'responsibility-free' life.

Apparently though, because I didn't work, and had no kids at home, it was assumed by some, that I had fuck-all else to do, and was just sitting at home waiting to do favours for people, and give lifts, and look after peoples kids!

It got so bad, that after about a year, I told people I had got a job. Luckily I live in a little house on the edge of the village, 10 minutes walk from the nearest neighbour, (at the far back of the village,) so nobody has to come past me, so they can't see if I am in. (And I keep the car in the garage so they don't know if I am in!)

So could you do that maybe? Tell them you have a job now? Working from home mostly, and you are FAR too busy to help, and have 'work commitments.'

To clarify what I've just said: if she says she's stuck because her childminder/whatever is stuck in traffic/ill, etc - then I understand you wanting to help. If she says she's stuck because she can't find a childminder/nursery, then don't do it!! If she can't find regular, reliable childcare, then I'm afraid she will have to make alternative work arrangements.

In my experience arrangements between friends often end in tears and resentment, especially if one party takes the piss.

I used to do a reciprocal after school swap with another mum, we collected each others kids one day a week. Except that it ended up with me dropping her kid off to school most days “you’re going anyway...” and the kid would be dropped off at 7am having agreed 8am (sometimes we’d only just be awake!) and hadn’t had breakfast, and in the holidays they would drop the kid off as early as possible (again 7am ) and collect at 7:30pm having said 5 with excuses like “it was so sunny I thought I’d just sit in the garden in peace for a bit” (while I look after your kid for free!!). On the days they collected my kid, I’d be round at 6 at the very latest, and in the holidays I’d be round at 10 and collect about 4pm.

In the end I said I couldn’t do it anymore, haven’t heard from them since. They’ve roped in some other poor mug to do their free childcare though.

Once people start taking the piss, then it all goes wrong!

Oh - and you don’t have to justify your reasons for be a SAHM, of course you did it to look after your own family. Presumably if you wanted to be a childminder, you would now be a child minder!

If you work and you have children, you have to work out your childcare yourself and pay for it if needs be, not save a bit of money by taking advantage of your SAHM friends who are “doing it anyway so might as well collect mine...”

Totally agree about not offering anything either at least until you know she has proper childcare sorted, or every day will be an emergency.

I wouldn't offer, because it opens you up to "well in that case can you do..." or the situation where she could get there for 3, but because she knows she can always ask you, she stays on and arrives home 5:30... three days a week.

If she does ask and you want to be helpful I'd say something along the lines of: "I'd love to help, but quite often we're doing something after school and I couldn't. if you find you're running late, feel free to ask, but I'll quite often not be able to do it."

Then wait and see. If she doesn't ask except in a blue moon, then that's fine, I'd do it. If she asks the first week, do it the first time, but if the second time arrives within a fortnight then be sorry but you're busy. That sets the tone for you not always being able to, and she can't rely on it.

YANBU. And don't feel bad. You aren't a SAHM for the convenience of others. I wouldn't even say in an emergency as I imagine lots of 'emergencies' would come up.

Don’t offer at all. Be completely oblivious.

I would say no for the reason that suppose my children are off school ill, or her child is ill, or I am ill. Or we want to go out for the day in the school holidays. So many reasons why I would not do this.

I did years of ad hoc stuff with other peoples children was often found to be feeding the street as OH said. But that was my choice because I reasoned at least I knew where mine were. Now I got a bit annoyed with parents who never, ever returned the favour because kids are messy, we have white carpets, it disturbs the baby blah blah..

To do it formally would have been a step too far for me.

Eeek, Summercat, that's put me off moving to a village!

I agree about the volunteering, though. I know organisations are short of help, but they often bombard a newcomer with requests for commitment and end up losing them altogether.

I have made myself scarce about giving elderly people lifts. Of course I'd be there like a shot in an emergency, but giving people who live in £1m houses (or even £500K ones) lifts to the shops/doctor's/social events etc etc is a bit much when they could easily get a taxi (but which costs money).

CF free childcare seekers morph into elderly free lift seekers.

Oh you are very kind to want to help your friend
Don't offer.
Let her get started and sorted
Continue to offer ad hoc playdates and pick ups and back up in an emergency. That is all a friend could reasonably expect.

When my parents retired they bought a 2 door car instead of a 4 door car so that they wouldn’t be lumbered with running the entire church and WI all over the place.

If she’s being s CF, say no!

@BouleBaker your parents sound smart!!

Nooooooo! Dont offer! I had to call in a favour yesterday as I had to take DH to hospital unexpectedly, but from a Mum friend with whom I have a close friendship and she’s asked me plenty times to pick up/look after/feed/drop off her kids when caught short. We have paid childcare in place too, but sometimes things happen and you need a favour - that’s totally fine. If it’s reciprocal, then great. It doesn’t sound like this is. If you’re such good friends then she’ll know she can call you if she needs to, you don’t need to offer, and equally, should you get caught short, like I did yesterday, in a place you don’t really want to take your kids to, then you can call her, right? Right?

Plus I kept my friend up to date with what was happening, fetched DC as soon as I could, thanked friend profusely and will be dropping past a naice bottle of wine this week. Just manners innit? Will your friend appreciate your sacrifice? Or see it as her having a right to your time? If it’s the latter then you need to be firm. Good luck!

Nope. Three days a week is too much. I did one day a week from 7am because that was OK for me. But any more would be taking the piss. Breakfast club and after school club exist for a reason.

I''m still not quite clear what the OP is being asked/expected to do?

Do. Not. Offer.

She'll call you if she's desperate, but if you offer she'll be much more likely to call if it's inconvenient for her.

Do. Not. Offer.

Anyone see Motherland this week? It was about a mum who had bought a large car. Suddenly, everyone became her best friend, to take advantage of the carpool situation. It had mn written all over it.

Don’t offer, and if she has asked, just say no.

It doesn’t sound like your friend has actually asked, so I don’t see the problem

Just carry on as you are and don’t offer

I think you are making an issue when there isn’t really one there

I think it's absolutely fine to help out here and there, but not a regular fixed thing (unless you have absolutely no issue with that!). One of my closest friend's husband left her and moved far enough away with OW to be no bloody use at all. She had previously been a SAHM but had to find work and has done. Our kids go to the same school and we live 2 mins from eachother. Breakfast Club at school has a waiting list and she is on it. So, I take her two to school with mine every day. We walk, it's no issue at all, I am already going to the school and I love her children and her...so it's fine. I am more than happy to do that and would rather do that than her have the extra expense of breakfast club. It is no skin off my nose. She helps me out when she can and takes my DS if I need her to.

However...I've got a different situation with another parent (not a friend) who asked me to look after her son after school on a particular day each week to facilitate her social life. Her son has specific and complex special needs so I did immediately say no. I didn't want to be tied to that or have the additional stress but I do help her out on occasion and when it works for me. I had to be very frank and firm about it.

I would say don't offer, if you can help if she asks and you are happy to do so, then that's fine. However, be very clear on what your expectations are of eachother and be honest about boundaries.

Please do not offer, or jump quickly and say 'yes' if she asks. These situations are never as easy as they sound on the surface. Those most affected will be your DC. I found, when I helped someone out, that their DC 'took over' as was slightly older. It meant that we could never have someone over to play on the days she was with us and it was much harder in reality than it looks on paper. The friend I helped thought nothing of saving money on childcare in the holidays but was able to get herself botox in her lunchbreak. I realised I was paying for her vanity and I explained that I had a part time job (I didn't), three DCs to her 1 DD and it was too much. So she went and dumped on someone else. I subscribe to the view that your childcare issue is your childcare issue. We all make choices in life and we have to be able to plan around them. Seriously, you will never hear her say 'hey, OP, let me have your DC over so that you get some time to yourself'. Please don't do it.