Not to want to be the unpaid help for my working friends’ children?

[EmGee]

I am a SAHM and have no plans to go back to work for at least another year. I have always been more than happy to help out friends (working or not) with school drop offs/pick ups/sleepovers/play dates in holidays etc when needed.

I’ve always shied away from anything concrete or regular eg every Monday morning. My rationale is that I am a SAHM as it suits our family life - DH works long hours, with some travel, overnight conferences, dinners etc - so I’m there for the kids. But I don’t want the responsibility for any one else’s child on a fixed basis.

I have a friend who is returning to work soon and it’s the kind of work where th

[claraschu]

"No" is not a complete sentence for most of us. There is a way to avoid being taken advantage of and also avoid being rude. I think being honest usually works, so telling people you don't want to commit to something, but are happy to help out every now and then, especially in an emergency.

I think there is nothing wrong with asking for favours politely and there is nothing wrong with saying "no" politely.

[DBN1]

When my son was in school from the age of about 5 years old to 9 years old he did an after school club. His best friend also did the same club. His mum WORKED, I was a SAHM. Very early on the biys mum asked me if I would pivk up her son after the club and take him to the CM as the CM had other children to look after and couldn't make it to the school.
I did it for all those years, in whatever weather conditions, walking him for 20 minutes (in the opposite direction to our house) or driving (using my petrol, causing added wrar and tear etc.). I'd always give him a snack because it was a physical club and they'd both be hungry.
She never once offered anything for petrol or my time but I thought I was heloing her out because she WORKED.
I stopped doing it after all that time when she let slip that she wasn't actually working at those times, she was going for reflexology or doing her hobby. What a mug I was. The friendship petered out after that!
Don't do it OP!

[shitholiday2018]

Sorry, million typos.

[shitholiday2018]

I used to look after a friend’s kids after school when I was a sahm and my own daughter was then quite antisocial (so i saw it as good for her). It was fine for ages but as the kids grew up, differences in parenting showed and they became difficult and unmanageable (on my terms, wouldn’t sit at table, rude, ran off when our, totally unreliable and ran contrary to what I expected of my own kids). I’d been doing it years, felt awful, worried a lot before I finally did anything. Realised then though that when I’d done was a favour and saved mum after school club for years. Accepted that my input was positive and I just needed to ‘spin’ the exit.

I invented an activity that night to get out of it and felt quite bad for a while. But that was because I’d started to dislike the kids which I felt awful about. In retrospect, it’s not something I’d do again, because it blurs the waters between favour and friendship too much and can cause issues. No one in real life says ‘that doesn’t work for me’ with nothing more, so ignore those silly suggestions. You can say it with kindness. Definitely don’t offer. If she asks, I would say along the lines of ‘really sorry, can are doing X or Y tonight (even if it’s shopping in Tesco or seeing grandma, make it up). Every time. Face is saved and she will stop asking. Good luck.

[montenuit]

Don't offer,
If it's an emergency she will call you anyway because you're a friend. You don't need to make that offer.

"I don't want to become a childminder" is all that's needed if she pushes/hints so heavily you have to reply.

[DNAP]

Nothing asked..nothing offered. No problem. Beyond that, you are not unreasonable to be reluctant to agree to anything, so don’t feel bad about that.

[Jimdandy]

I’ve never asked a friend to help me with childcare. Even with hospital appts and funerals I’ve just paid for extra childcare. Sometimes you just have to lay out extra money for unforeseen circumstances.

[Jimdandy]

I had 2 years off work to study so I still put my pre school children is paid childcare 2 days a week and a relative one other day. Soon as some friends found out, they said “we know who to come to for childcare now”

Erm no. I’m paying to put mine in childcare so I can study and keep house, not to look after yours for free!

[peanutbutterandbanana]

Please do not offer, or jump quickly and say 'yes' if she asks. These situations are never as easy as they sound on the surface. Those most affected will be your DC. I found, when I helped someone out, that their DC 'took over' as was slightly older. It meant that we could never have someone over to play on the days she was with us and it was much harder in reality than it looks on paper. The friend I helped thought nothing of saving money on childcare in the holidays but was able to get herself botox in her lunchbreak. I realised I was paying for her vanity and I explained that I had a part time job (I didn't), three DCs to her 1 DD and it was too much. So she went and dumped on someone else. I subscribe to the view that your childcare issue is your childcare issue. We all make choices in life and we have to be able to plan around them. Seriously, you will never hear her say 'hey, OP, let me have your DC over so that you get some time to yourself'. Please don't do it.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I think it's absolutely fine to help out here and there, but not a regular fixed thing (unless you have absolutely no issue with that!). One of my closest friend's husband left her and moved far enough away with OW to be no bloody use at all. She had previously been a SAHM but had to find work and has done. Our kids go to the same school and we live 2 mins from eachother. Breakfast Club at school has a waiting list and she is on it. So, I take her two to school with mine every day. We walk, it's no issue at all, I am already going to the school and I love her children and her...so it's fine. I am more than happy to do that and would rather do that than her have the extra expense of breakfast club. It is no skin off my nose. She helps me out when she can and takes my DS if I need her to.

However...I've got a different situation with another parent (not a friend) who asked me to look after her son after school on a particular day each week to facilitate her social life. Her son has specific and complex special needs so I did immediately say no. I didn't want to be tied to that or have the additional stress but I do help her out on occasion and when it works for me. I had to be very frank and firm about it.

I would say don't offer, if you can help if she asks and you are happy to do so, then that's fine. However, be very clear on what your expectations are of eachother and be honest about boundaries.

[Mummyof0ne]

It doesn’t sound like your friend has actually asked, so I don’t see the problem

Just carry on as you are and don’t offer

I think you are making an issue when there isn’t really one there

[Petalflowers]

Anyone see Motherland this week? It was about a mum who had bought a large car. Suddenly, everyone became her best friend, to take advantage of the carpool situation. It had mn written all over it.

Don’t offer, and if she has asked, just say no.

[eddielizzard]

Do. Not. Offer.

She'll call you if she's desperate, but if you offer she'll be much more likely to call if it's inconvenient for her.

Do. Not. Offer.

[Coffeepot72]

I''m still not quite clear what the OP is being asked/expected to do?

[AlisonOrdnung]

Nope. Three days a week is too much. I did one day a week from 7am because that was OK for me. But any more would be taking the piss. Breakfast club and after school club exist for a reason.

[Sequencedress]

Nooooooo! Dont offer! I had to call in a favour yesterday as I had to take DH to hospital unexpectedly, but from a Mum friend with whom I have a close friendship and she’s asked me plenty times to pick up/look after/feed/drop off her kids when caught short. We have paid childcare in place too, but sometimes things happen and you need a favour - that’s totally fine. If it’s reciprocal, then great. It doesn’t sound like this is. If you’re such good friends then she’ll know she can call you if she needs to, you don’t need to offer, and equally, should you get caught short, like I did yesterday, in a place you don’t really want to take your kids to, then you can call her, right? Right?
Plus I kept my friend up to date with what was happening, fetched DC as soon as I could, thanked friend profusely and will be dropping past a naice bottle of wine this week. Just manners innit? Will your friend appreciate your sacrifice? Or see it as her having a right to your time? If it’s the latter then you need to be firm. Good luck!

[RedPanda2]

@BouleBaker your parents sound smart!!

[BouleBaker]

When my parents retired they bought a 2 door car instead of a 4 door car so that they wouldn’t be lumbered with running the entire church and WI all over the place.

If she’s being s CF, say no!

[WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree]

Oh you are very kind to want to help your friend
Don't offer.
Let her get started and sorted
Continue to offer ad hoc playdates and pick ups and back up in an emergency. That is all a friend could reasonably expect.

[IrmaFayLear]

Eeek, Summercat, that's put me off moving to a village!

I agree about the volunteering, though. I know organisations are short of help, but they often bombard a newcomer with requests for commitment and end up losing them altogether.

I have made myself scarce about giving elderly people lifts. Of course I'd be there like a shot in an emergency, but giving people who live in £1m houses (or even £500K ones) lifts to the shops/doctor's/social events etc etc is a bit much when they could easily get a taxi (but which costs money).

CF free childcare seekers morph into elderly free lift seekers.

[welshmist]

I would say no for the reason that suppose my children are off school ill, or her child is ill, or I am ill. Or we want to go out for the day in the school holidays. So many reasons why I would not do this.

I did years of ad hoc stuff with other peoples children was often found to be feeding the street as OH said. But that was my choice because I reasoned at least I knew where mine were. Now I got a bit annoyed with parents who never, ever returned the favour because kids are messy, we have white carpets, it disturbs the baby blah blah..
To do it formally would have been a step too far for me.

[Cagliostro]

Don’t offer at all. Be completely oblivious.

[FunSponges]

YANBU. And don't feel bad. You aren't a SAHM for the convenience of others. I wouldn't even say in an emergency as I imagine lots of 'emergencies' would come up.

[Witchend]

I wouldn't offer, because it opens you up to "well in that case can you do..." or the situation where she could get there for 3, but because she knows she can always ask you, she stays on and arrives home 5:30... three days a week.


If she does ask and you want to be helpful I'd say something along the lines of: "I'd love to help, but quite often we're doing something after school and I couldn't. if you find you're running late, feel free to ask, but I'll quite often not be able to do it."

Then wait and see. If she doesn't ask except in a blue moon, then that's fine, I'd do it. If she asks the first week, do it the first time, but if the second time arrives within a fortnight then be sorry but you're busy. That sets the tone for you not always being able to, and she can't rely on it.