Not to want to be the unpaid help for my working friends’ children?

[EmGee]

I am a SAHM and have no plans to go back to work for at least another year. I have always been more than happy to help out friends (working or not) with school drop offs/pick ups/sleepovers/play dates in holidays etc when needed.

I’ve always shied away from anything concrete or regular eg every Monday morning. My rationale is that I am a SAHM as it suits our family life - DH works long hours, with some travel, overnight conferences, dinners etc - so I’m there for the kids. But I don’t want the responsibility for any one else’s child on a fixed basis.

I have a friend who is returning to work soon and it’s the kind of work where th

No offering to do anything, she needs to sort out her own childcare and contingency plans. Only if the contingency plan fell through would I consider helping her (and only then if she asked) because you just know if you offer you'll gradually move from being back-up plan to first choice. You are not making the career/monetary sacrifices that come with being a SAHM in order to facilitate someone else's career.

She needs a child minder - pure and simple.

is she hinting?

well nip that in the bud by saying for her to ask about for CM recommendations, that it's important to get good professional childcare in place, it'll give her so much more peace of mind knowing that it's covered.

Don't offer - she'll bite your arm off and you will be in a worse position then now. Currently your feeling bad about not offering. Two years down the line you'll be pissed off, the resentment has escalated and it's getting in the way of your family's life - then you'll feel bad about asking her to make alternative arrangements......

Sorry I know that sounds awful and only you know your friend, but if you are feeling worried enough to ask a bunch of strangers what to do, you are also concerned about being taken advantage of.

A real strong friendship would survive the working Mum asking for help in an emergency, without the SAHM offering first. And remember real emergencies happen once or twice a year. Anything more and it's bad planning or cheeky fuckership.

Oh and whatever - never before school - I'm with time on that one

WE?
Mandarine I don't know how you didn't explode in a cloud of indignancy - I know I would have done and I would not have been able to have held it in either!

3 times a week !!???

No no no no no no - you get the idea. But just to make it completely clear - NO

Don’t do it! As you say, being a SAHM is because it suits your family life - it doesn’t have to suit other people’s. My mum wanted to be available to us during the day when we were kids but couldn’t afford not to work, so she became a childminder. You are not a childminder, you’re a SAHM. It’s really lovely that you help other people out, it’s kind of you, but you’re not wrong to not want a regular arrangement.

Definitely don't offer anything. Let her come to you and ask if it's a genuine emergency otherwise you've shown willing and emergencies are likely to start occurring more regularly.

If asked outright or strongly hinted at to do something more regular, say 'no' for the reasons youve given but you could also add that you have several working friends who have asked same and you wouldn't want to help one with child but not the others.

Being there for emergencies and doing routine unpaid childcare are two completely different situations. I wish I'd learned to say No when my 3 were young, I got totally fed up of feeding and entertaining other kids night after night. And it wasn't fair on my kids either. In the end, I put a ban on after school playing for all of them unless on a Friday and pre-arranged. Solved the problem overnight.

If you accept any form of remuneration for looking after anyone's child but your own, even if it's just petrol money, or some money towards food, then you legally have to register as a child minder. So you will have to do all the training, have your home inspected, get CRB checked (also your DH), write a risk assessment for EVERYTHING, keep logs, be able to demonstrate child development strategies, buy personal liability insurance.... So if you don't want to do any of those things then I'd say you have the perfect reason not to look after her kids. Nothing to do with being mean.

@Mandarine - Her response was, “Ok, but I have nobody else who lives our way, so how are we going to solve this?” WE?!

What did you answer ?

No don't do it, it would be cheeky for her to expect it or even accept it if you felt obligated to offer. People need to sort out their own childcare.

You're a SAHM for your kids not everyone else's!

I agree, don't offer any help, wait till asked. And if you agree to do an occasional pickup when your friend is unavoidably detained, whatever you do, don't let the school know that you are the 'emergency' contact otherwise you will be at your friend's beck and call every time she is running late.

We have friends who are significantly better off than us, who ask us and other families with SAHPs to provide regular childcare over the summer holidays to save them money. It annoys me. We like their kids, so we offer the odd day because it's fun, but ignore the rest of the messages about slots that still need filling.

Don't offer.

From an old timer do not agree to anything you can not see yourself doing in three years from now in the wind, snow sleet and rain.

We all have friends like this that exploit every ounce of good will to fill in their children's day care. She needs to make independent arrangements and you can step if something goes badly wrong or someone is ill. That is being a good friend, but not a mug.

OP, no I totally see why you wouldn’t want to look after a D.C. from early morning before school, or most of early evening after school. In my situation, I just had to have him for half hour and then take him to school in mornings, no problem as no interference with either of my DC’s routines, or with after school clubs or meals. I think it’d be nice to offer to help out in emergencies, but you could just say you can’t commit regularly as it wouldn’t work with your DC’s routines.

I think if you want to be kind then offer to be emergency backup care. If they have no other support then that would be very helpful.

I don't think any decent person would really expect a friend to carry out regular unpaid childcare for them. If you're both working and it's reciprocal then that's different. But as a sahp you're always the one giving and never the one taking.

Is it obvious I've been a sahp for a long time and had my share of CFs?!!

Has the friend actually asked?
It's very hard to tell from the posting.

Mumsnet is full of people being taken advantage of and then moaning about it. Just say no. NO no no!

Your problem is you have been too nice and then people take advantage.
Just tell them no, you are too busy.
It's not just working parents who are busy, but you see they are so entitled to work, they don't really care who they use for childcare.

OP I was in a similar situation (although at least my friend offered to pay!).
At first I said I'd think about it, then said to her I could help out for a month or two but nothing more because I didn't think it was practical.

In the end she got someone else, think she could probably sense my lack of enthusiasm.

But my point is I did feel mean about it. But you shouldn't back yourself into a corner because someone else wants to save money on childcare

I had a similar situation. A woman I know (not even really a friend) was going through a very difficult time and I was happy to help her out. However once the difficult time had passed she sort of assumed it was no problem for me to carry on. Whenever she had to work late, or had a social event after work she just assumed I'd step in. Her DS was friendly with mine and at the same school so it wasn't the awful but it was a pain. It just made everything a lot more hassle. I like to get reading, spellings done when we get in but it became tricky to get them to do it, ended up doing his reading with him too - I had less time to relax with my own DC and they had less time to switch off after school. In the end I started saying "no sorry can't do it this time" without offering a reason. It settled down. I'm still happy to help if it's really needed but not just be the default unpaid childminder.

Do not offer! And if she asks, you need to grow a spine and find a way to tell her NO, no apologies, no excuses. 'That really doesn't work for our family. You need to engage qualified childcare.' The end.

As a SAHP I do help where there is a need. But when it stops becoming a need and starts becoming a piss take convenient freebie I would draw the line.
Where I have helped it has generally been reciprocated whether the other parent works or not. It is a genuine relationship based on friendships

Jesus Christ don't offer!!!