Not to want to be the unpaid help for my working friends’ children?

[EmGee]

I am a SAHM and have no plans to go back to work for at least another year. I have always been more than happy to help out friends (working or not) with school drop offs/pick ups/sleepovers/play dates in holidays etc when needed.

I’ve always shied away from anything concrete or regular eg every Monday morning. My rationale is that I am a SAHM as it suits our family life - DH works long hours, with some travel, overnight conferences, dinners etc - so I’m there for the kids. But I don’t want the responsibility for any one else’s child on a fixed basis.

I have a friend who is returning to work soon and it’s the kind of work where th

[Cutietips]

Definitely no. If you’re in any doubt this is really, really cheeky. If you’d wanted to be a childminder, you’d have trained for it. And why should you look after someone else’s child on a regular basis for free. Emergencies when childcare arrangements fall apart are of course completely different but even then there should be some reciprocation.

[blackeyes72]

I am in a similar situation at the moment but I am working and the mum in question is a SAHM. I offered to help "sometimes if you need it" and now they assumed it's going to be every time. It's really hard to say no as you feel mean. You do end up feeling bad doing it and bad not doing it, I just wish people didn't take advantage.

[nellieellie]

Ummm. Well obviously it’s entirely up to you and if you don’t want to do it, then fine. At this point we don’t know if the parent has asked, hinted or what. I did help out a working parent as a SAHM. A previous paid arrangement fell down and she didn’t know what to do. Her D.C. attended the same school as mine so for the next 4 years I took him to school 2 or 3 days a week. One day her D.C. would come early to our house. My view was I had to do this for my DCs so it was no extra bother at all to take her D.C. I offered before she asked, she did offer payment but I refused. I just saw it as something I was able to do - at no sacrifice- and it helped her. It worked well, and was minimally intrusive into our family life. I would have hesitated if, for example she needed someone to pick him up and look after him after school.

[DarlingNikita]

How tantalising. Come back, OP!

[LaurieMarlow]

The answer is no. Simple.

I'm a wohm and think this kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable.

[EssentialHummus]

No no no. "No, that doesn't work for me."

(Is this the start of some new MN trend where we just post the first half of the OP?

"I've invited a few close friends round for dinner on Sat but my closest friend, let's call her Abby, wants to know if she can bring along her new boyfriend who is a"

)

[montenuit]

Just think "will you be here helping me out when I retire on far less pension than you".
If the answer is "no" then their childcare needs are NOTHING to do with you. Sure you help out friends but that is it. Draw a line early and firmly. Otherwise you'll feel bitter and then will fall out anyway!

[EK36]

Im a stay at hone mum too and a similar situation happened to me. i gave up a well paid job to be there for my children. My husband supports us. We are happy even though we have less money. I did not give up my job to look after other peoples children. Thats what childminders are for. Why would you help her become richer by offering unpaid childcare?! Tell her you'll help her out in an emergency but nothing long term as you don't want to be responsible for other people's children. Simple as.

[motortroll]

Yanbu

A sahm friend of mine helps me out but she offered, i regularly check if it's all ok and she's not my only option. I was reluctant at first and she insisted. In fact I have a solid other option but she literally gushes over how much she loves having them and my kids would much rather go there than breakfast club. She's a truly beautiful person, we love her so much!

If you don't want to do it then don't. I'd hate to lose my friend over something like this and I'm fully prepared to change the situation as her eldest starts secondary next year.

She has 5 kids of her own, I think she's bonkers!!

[MrsMozart]

Where's the rest of the OP (post as opposed to physical being)?

[Gemini69]

this will end your friendship.. say NO now

[LagunaBubbles]

Don't do it!!!!

[doctorboo]

@EmGee come back and finish your post please. where’s the end??

[Hanyu]

😳

[nellieellie]

I’ve posted further up, but I think people are being a bit mean tbh. I think if the opportunity arises to be able to help someone, then I think it’s good to do so. Not if it means you have to put yourself out, on a regular basis, but if it’s easy to do then why not? But a lot of assumptions here about people earning money and getting rich at sahm’s expense. Some people don’t get a choice about working - they need the money. I was lucky enough to have the choice.

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

If you want to help, then that's a great thing to do. But nobody owes anyone else their time or services just because that time is available.

[timeisnotaline]

Before school? Erm.... don't know about that one.
What really? That’s a very easy one. You say getting my own child ready makes me homicidal every morning I simply couldn’t throw something else into that mix.

[EmGee]

Sorry. Posting on iPad and it’s driving me mad. Keep losing what I write.

Ek36 - this is my situation exactly but NellyElly (I think this is your username), I do feel mean. The friend in question hasn’t asked me outright but I know she would jump at the chance if I offered.

My point is - should I offer to help out of she gets stuck ie she is late home and calls me to collect her kids. I am going to and from the school anyway so it’s not a problem for me to do this. What I don’t want is to be in a situation where the child is dropped off at 7.30am or I end up looking after him/her until 7pm. Obviously would happily do this in an emergency but don’t want it to be a regular thing.

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

Don't offer!

[NameChangeCuddleBums]

I wouldn’t offer or it will become a regular thing, if she needed to in a true emergency I am sure she would call you because you are her friend.

[EmGee]

By regular I mean 3x every week. I am more than happy to help at as long as it is not an expected every day thing. Argh. Now I do feel mean. She is a good friend. But I didn’t choose to stay a SAHM to look after other children (except on an ad-how basis).

I have had a Cf incidence with another parent. She was off on holiday and her childcare plans fell through so I ended up looking after her child for a week! It’s kind of made me wary I suppose.

[Immigrantsong]

I think you need to be careful even saying you will help in an emergency. Recently looked after a friend's kid as she was at hospital and they are now cross as I asked them to come collect her after 3 hours as I had plans. They never gave me any updates and if they had used a childminder they would need to have kept her informed about when they were going to pick her up as it was late.

[EmGee]

Anyway thanks everyone for your responses.

[Mandarine]

Where have you gone OP - are you having a technical breakdown?

Anyway, I just wanted to post to say I’ve had many of these scenarios over the years. The most recent being a mum who wanted me to collect her son every day from school and “just hold onto him” until 4.30 when her childminder can collect him from our house. I did it once and the CM arrived at 5pm. If you add up 5 days a week 3.30-5pm, that’s 7.5 hours of free childcare a week I would be saving her. How much is that - about £100? Plus, my DD is not a particular friend of this boy anyway and he’s one of these that helps himself to biscuits on arrival - “what snack did you bring?” etc. Also I have 3 DC in 3 different schools and SAHM, or not, that’s quite enough. So I told the woman I would do it one day per week because I needed flexibility - eg. play dates with other kids or DD going home with them on a Friday; picking up my other DC from school occasionally or shopping / not always having to go straight home. I made up some new clubs DD would be doing. Her response was, “Ok, but I have nobody else who lives our way, so how are we going to solve this?” WE?!

The best response if you can’t do the “No is a complete sentence” thing, is vaguery, as PP have said. But some people are very persistent, yes.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Definitely don’t offer!!