DS V FIL birthday!

[dogandrunning]

Please tell me - Aibu?

DS Birthday next week he will be 12 and birthday party / sleepover planned for the weekend (Saturday afternoon to Sunday ).
FIL Birthday is on the Saturday and SIL has decided to arrange a party for him. They live over an hours drive away.
I have said to DH that he will have to go without me due to DS party
He thinks I am being selfish and should either a) re arrange DS party/ sleepover or b) leave DS and friends in the care of DD who is 18.
DD is perfectly sensible however I don't think that she should have responsibility for DS friends when we will be over an hour away from home.
AIIBU ??

Wait what?
What about next year he is the one arranging and planning the party and dealing with SIL as well?
He should have simply said you would visit FiL for Bday of course but maybe another day as you have this planned.
Obviously easier to explain to an adult you wont be there than to a child.

I wouldn't be happy if my child was comi g to your house for a sleepover at the age of 12 and I found out your were at a party that far away and had left a teenager in charge, however sensible. Tell husband, fine you'll go to the party and he can stay and deal with the boys!

I'd move the sleepover to the next weekend.

You can't leave a bunch of 12 year old boys in the "care" of an 18 year old, it just isn't fair and the parents of the boys would be upset I'm sure.

A 90th is a big deal - all the family should be there, including the children, surely.

I wouldn't move the party/sleepover. The boys will be looking forward to it and I'll bet that some of the parents may have made arrangements based on their DS sleeping at yours. Bad form to cancel at such short notice.

I also wouldn't leave the DD18 in sole charge - a bunch of excited 12 year olds can get quite rowdy and they won't respect her authority at much as yours.

Is there any reason why FILs party can't take place on Sunday PM when your guests have gone?

If not then I'd stick with DH going to FILs party and a family visit to FILs on the Sunday afternoon.

I think your DH and SIL are very unreasonable - they should have checked what else was on. Your DS is your priority - personally I'd stay - and make sure he and his friends had a good time for his birthday. Firstly because he'd want you there as his DM, and secondly it may be a bit much for your 18yo DD to handle - she might have other stuff she wants to do anyway. Finally you may worry about it anyway.

Another question though - why isn't 18yo DD going to FIL's birthday- how come she gets let off and you don't?

To answer you all -
I can't move the date of DS's sleepover because it's the only date all of his friends are available at the same time , I've tried. The next compatible date is 4 weeks away!

DS is really looking forward to it too and the boys have made lots of plans for what they're going to do

DD has plans which I wouldn't ask her to change and I wouldn't leave DS and his friends to travel and hour away anyway - I don't think that is the right thing to do

DS party planned ages ago and DH knew. Checked with FIL before hand and made plans to see him on the Sunday after the sleepover. FIL had said he didn't want a fuss.

SIL has planned FIL party this week.

My DC are DH's step children and are very must the second thought in his family except for FIL who is a lovely man

The sleepover was arranged first. DH and SIL should have checked. So yes, you stay home and supervise. You can still go over on the Sunday as originally planned.

And you say your FIL didn't want a party, so he might not be up to many visitors anyway. Why didn't SIL take this into account?

Multicolour - SIL doesn't take anybody else's feelings or opinions into account. She feels as the eldest sibling what she says goes

I can see from this post you have blended tremendously into the family!!!!!
Just let DH go he will be pleased to go without you lot anyway if you always carry a chip on your shoulder!
Your drip feeding was good though!

Keep the sleepover. You and your husband should send apologies as you have a prior commitment and can’t change at such short notice.
I think leaving 4 twelve year olds in the care of an 18 year old borders on negligent.

For the fact the party is fil's 90th i would move the sleepover as 90 is a pretty big milestone birthday. A sleepover birthday one or otherwise can be held anytime

Wow loveisland aren't you pleasant!

I don't have any chips on my shoulder and I've not been drip feeding at all

Thanks for your input though

Don’t move the sleepover
Don’t leave DD in charge of 12 year olds that aren’t her brother
Send your DH on his own

Make a fuss of FIL any other way that you know how to show him that you love and care for him.

My lovely GF would be completely fine with that.

However... my other not-so-lovely emotionally black mailing GM would have a different take . My lasting memory of her is resentment at having to cancel my 16th birthday party so we could take GF to Duxford air show as he may not get the chance to go ever again (he lived for another 25 years and we took him again when I was 17).

"poster loveisland Thu 27-Sep-18 20:47:11
I can see from this post you have blended tremendously into the family!!!!! hmm
Just let DH go he will be pleased to go without you lot anyway if you always carry a chip on your shoulder!
Your drip feeding was good though!"

What the actual fuck are you blathering on about. I think posters on MN literally make up their own shit in a thread just to stick the boot in and tell someone they are U. Clearly loveisland you cannot understand the English language if you have taken that load of shite from the OPs posts.

Is change the date of the sleepover the new cancel the cheque? OP has looked into this and it's not possible. Why should a birthday child have to wait another month to celebrate their birthday. FIL has even said he doesn't want a fuss and they are going to see him the following day.

Carry on with your plans OP. If your DH wants to dance to his sister's tune then he can crack on, doesn't mean you have to disrupt many others to accommodate her.

YANBU at all, op. You checked with your FIL first and made plans with him. Send DH on his own. FIL knows you already had a party for your DS. I can't believe your DH suggested leaving your DD in charge; he sounds clueless or uncaring (or both).

I would’ve done exactly what you did OP.

@FunSponges funny how 2 people can totally pick up two different vibes from one thread but that's ok.
OP enjoy the sleepover with DS!

OP that was a humongous drip feed. So you have your son's 12th birthday party Sat/Sun morning but had already organised to see your DP's DGF on the Sunday for his 90th and he had said he didn't want much fuss. Then your DSiL organised a family party on the Saturday, belatedly informed you and your DP wants to go.

Where did the problem creep in?

@loveisland seriously you are nasty. There is nothing here that suggests any of your projected slights or lack of blending the families.

OP from the added info it definitely is your dh who is unreasonable. He needs to start standing up to his sister and standing by you and the kids.

Hope both your dd and dd have lovely birthdays.

It is threads like yours that make me remember how amazing my family have been over accepting my dsc. Even my extended family - great aunts, second cousins etc - all treat my dsc as if they were fully mine. They are included in weddings, birthdays, Christmas.

Crosstalk - The problem, as I said in the OP is that DH is not happy that I've said I can't attend the party. He's told me I'm selfish and I need to either re arrange DS's birthday sleepover or arrange for DD to look after the boys whilst we attend a party for FIL an hour's drive away..

"My DC are DH's step children and are very must the second thought in his family"

That's obvious-even by their own step father.

He doesn't sound nice at all.

Your husband is completely unreasonable for calling you selfish for wanting to go ahead with a prearranged party and sleepover for your son and not cancel it for a last minute party the recipient probably doesn't want who you are seeing the next day.
I would be concerned at how uninvolved and uninterested your husband is in your son's birthday party and his high handedness in thinking he can tell you what to do.

That's awful, no father would expect their 12 year old DS to cancel a long planned birthday party at short notice.

That would be a punishment for your DS that he doesn't deserve.

"That's awful, no father would expect their 12 year old DS to cancel a long planned birthday party at short notice. "

I agree-especially when plans that are acceptable to FIL have already been made with him!

PLus Op's husband can go to his dad's 90th!

Everyone doesn't always have to do everything!

Is he more bothered about how it looks to others?