DS V FIL birthday!

[dogandrunning]

Please tell me - Aibu?

DS Birthday next week he will be 12 and birthday party / sleepover planned for the weekend (Saturday afternoon to Sunday ).
FIL Birthday is on the Saturday and SIL has decided to arrange a party for him. They live over an hours drive away.
I have said to DH that he will have to go without me due to DS party
He thinks I am being selfish and should either a) re arrange DS party/ sleepover or b) leave DS and friends in the care of DD who is 18.
DD is perfectly sensible however I don't think that she should have responsibility for DS friends when we will be over an hour away from home.
AIIBU ??

If it was FIL actual birthday, and you knew he was going to be 90 then I don't think I'd have arranged anything that weekend without first checking if anyone was planning to do anything for FIL, even it was just a loose plan. if you checked and they said no, then YANBU.

If you choose to leave DD in charge I think you should notify the parents - my mum wouldn't have liked it if it were a group sleepover (would have been fine if it was just me and a friend).

Would your DD not be going to her grandad's party anyway?

Personally, I would stay with the boys and let the sleepover go ahead as planned, leaving DH to go by himself (or with DD). I would probably let an 18 year old supervise their sibling(s), but I wouldn't be happy leaving them in charge of other people's DC.

Is there any chance DH wants you to go so that you will drive, and he can have a drink?

See I may have just been guilty of lining up something similar. I have booked DS party on FIL Birthday, I just didn’t think! I have now realised it is a big one and SIL will probably want to do something with them ( without us typically) oh well. I am sure they will cope but I wouldn’t leave the boys

I really think YABU, why would you plan your sons party for your FILs 90th? Unless there is some massive backstory to how you all despise each other. Why would you not have checked what the plans were for FIL birthday before orgainsing something?

Don't leave DD in charge, that's a lot to ask.
Pity FIL isn't having a birthday lunch. Then you could have all gone over for that and if need be, DH and possibly DD stay on.

Isn't your DD invited to the party though? Did you know your FILs 90th party was organised for Saturday when you arranged your sons sleepover? It's a bit off if you did.

OP how compos mentis is your FIL? If he's alert and would love to see you and your DCs as well as his DS, then I would try to move it. It's not acceptable to leave an 18 year old in charge - and wouldn't she be expected to be at FIL's 90th anyway?

Can you make it a stonking Sunday party instead? shame about the sleep over, but it's not the end of the world if he does paintballing/icehockey or whatever 12 year olds like nowadays that's affordable.

It sounds odd that a 90 year old's party celebrations weren't planned in advance. I wouldn't cancel the sleepover and am surprised no-one in your husband's family thought about the clash. I would want to be there for the sleepover and would prefer my husband to be there too as they can be stressful. I'd let him go but would be angry and disappointed he didn't think his son's birthday was important too.
My dad's 80 in November and we sorted out what was happening 3 months ago as we are scattered.

Errrr.... DS's sleepover birthday party was booked first with all his friends at your house.

You'll have arranged your weekend around it, organised it & bought stuff, DS and his friends will have been chatting about and bw looking forward to it. Their families will have made plans around this and maybe turned down other invitations.

It's a bit late for SIL to be booking FIL's birthday now, less than a week beforehand!?! FFS she & your DH have had plenty of notice FIL would be 90, to have arranged it all ages ago. Your son's had 11 birthdays before this one so surely they know his birthday yoo and possible party falls only a few days beforehand.

Of course you can't go!

You're hosting your DS's party for his friends. You can't let him, nor his friends, down, especially not just days before!

Your DH is being ridiculous to suggest you cancel it and rebook another weekend at this late stage nor that you leave his 18 y.o. sister in charge instead, leaving no parent in the house. I would be if I went to drop off my 12 y.o. to a sleepover and only his sister was there (even if 18). Or that you casually said when we arrived to drop off "oh btw we are popping over to practically the next county for my FIL's birthday miles away & will be back 11pm ish".

Now SIL knows you're not available, if it's crucial that you are there too OP, she can swop FIL's last minute 'Do' to Sunday evening. They're lucky you're saying DH can go and miss
his son's party. Or you DH & DC can pop over Fri or following weekend to celebrate separately with FIL.

As a parent I wouldn’t agree to leave my twelve year old with an eighteen year old overnight while the parents were an hour away. By day yes, at night not a chance. Not implying that your DD isn’t responsible fwiw, but twelve year olds on the whole most definitely are not and as such I would only agree to the sleepover if the parents were there.

^This

Although i agree with you, in this instance your Fil is 90. Time together at this age is precious. Your DS could have 2 epic weekends if you rearranged his sleepover to either Friday night, or the next weekend. Your DS has plenty more Birthdays to come.

Ordinarily booking your party first, would come first, but didn't you know it was FIL 90th birthday that weekend before you arranged your party?

I was ready to say of course YANBU, you planned DS's party first! But then I saw it was FIL's 90th... I mean... that's a pretty big deal! May have to bite the bullet. I definitely wouldn't leave them with your DD in charge either. Too much to ask of her.

Of course it's also a shame that FIL's own son didn't think "hang on Dad's 90 on that day perhaps best to keep it clear?"

No way I would have left a 12yo as part of a party group under the care of an 18yo. If it had of just been my 12yo and the other child (so 18yo supervising 2 kids) I would have been okay with it as long as you were home by their bedtime. But an 18yo with a party of 12yo’s, nope.

Has it really only just occurred to everyone - your DH, your DSIL, you - that FIL is turning 90 and having a party?

Surely it will be a daytime do for a 90th? What time is it being hosted and when is your sleepover planned for? Could sleepover start a little later & you all go to FIL’s early, then you & DS can come back early if need be?

Your husband is being ridiculous. I hope he isn't making his views known in front of your son as it could make him feel very sad that his own father thinks his son comes second. Would your FIL even want your son's birthday celebrations to be treated second to his?

Sorry but I would move DS’s party. A 90th birthday is pretty important (many don’t make it that far and it will possibly be his last big birthday). Did you not consider it when booking DS’s party?

You planned your son's sleepover on the day of his grandfather's 90th birthday? That is unreasonable. No way can you leave an 18 year old in charge of a sleepover either, I wouldn't be happy (as a parent) about that.

It sounds like the FIL party has been organised very last minute. Surely the OP would of arranged her DS sleepover party at least a couple of weeks ago. And, when it was being arranged, why didn’t her DH pipe up that it was his DF’s 90th birthday? Stick to your plans.

Did neither you nor your DH remember it was your FILs 90th birthday on the day you arranged a birthday sleepover for your DS who is not 12 on the day anyway so it could just as well have taken place on the Friday or this weekend coming? I think most people who think that 90 is a big birthday whereas your DS can celebrate being 12 on any day. I would also have thought your DD and DS would be invited and it would be nice for your FIL to see his grandchildren.

I think I would have the sleepover for DS on the Friday night(if possible), purely because it's FILs 90th birthday and could be his last birthday celebration.

Sadly there is a good chance that this will be FiL's final birthday and is almost certainly his final significant birthday so need to find a way to attend. If it is less than 2 hours away considering DS is 12 you could easily go and still have the sleepover if it is a daytime party which I'd imagine a 90th would be (although with a much later start and moving the daytime activities to the Sunday).

DC are FIL step GC. DD wouldn't go anyway
FIL didn't want a party and we had planned to see him on Sunday
I was told today that SIL had arranged a party at her house for Saturday afternoon/evening.
I have messaged DS's friends mums and they are not available this weekend or next Friday night so DS party can't be easily arranged - looks like the only option is to go for an hour Saturday afternoon if DD is around

If I was FIL I wouldn't want my grandson's sleepover cancelled because of my birthday no matter how old I was. I think kids' parties trump adults' ones especially adult ones arranged at the last minute.
Agree husband should have mentioned his dad's birthday when his son's party was arranged (I know my dad's birthday but have no idea when my FIL's is and my husband is the same with my side of the family's birthdays.). I wouldn't cancel a kid's sleepover. Husband can go to party. I'd go round with the kids on the Sunday and take him out for lunch or something. I'm sure he'd understand about his grandson's birthday.