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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband and my weightx

119 replies

Bebub · 27/09/2018 08:04

Morning ladies,
I need some outside perspective. so im 5 foot 9 and when I met my husband in my late 20s when I was a size 8-10. I was out a lot as a mature student and skiped lots of meals. Fast forward 7 years we have two lovely children, ages 4 and 1, both which were very difficult pregnancies, I'm only just coming out of PND now. I've gone up two dress sizes to a 12-14 and my husband brings up my weight gain on a daily basis. He says he will definitely will not find me attractive if I gain anymore weight and he certainly won't be happy if I stay the same size. I'm incredibly hurt by his comments. He barely touches me in or outside the bedroom and he doesn't think I'm good at anything apart from being a mum. It's really draining my self worth, I've said to him this is who I am and he thinks it's just a cop out. His friends told him his standards were too high when looking for a girlfriend but he said he waited till someone right came along. Now it appears I'm not good enough.
He thinks he's not said anything wrong and that we should just aim to be better versions of ourselves. I've only just slipped into the overweight section in the BMI but I feel happier now than I have done in years. I've tried running 5k for 6monrths and my weight stayed the same. Is this just my post baby body? If so I'm happy with that but he won't accept it.

Thanks in advance ! Grin

OP posts:
QueenNovo · 27/09/2018 08:07

I suppose he's a perfect specimen of Adonis like male beauty is he? Hmm

He's a twat, OP. Size 12-14 is by no means fat and if he "can't accept" that two pregnancies has changed your body he can bugger off.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 27/09/2018 08:09

Wow. Your DH is an utter twat.

themuttsnutts · 27/09/2018 08:09

For your height, your weight seems to be about right. Yanbu. You've had 2 kids and you are not going to have the body of a 20 year old.

From what you've said of your life before, slim doesn't always equal healthy and it says a lot about him if he wants you as you were.

Sadly, some men are obsessed with their women's weight (but not their own, funny that) and he appears to be one of them

Merryoldgoat · 27/09/2018 08:10

I’ll be honest with you, I’d consider ending the relationship. If you’d put on loads and loads of weight but at your height your dress size will look very nice and normal.

I have put on over 6 stone since being with my husband. I don’t doubt he finds me less attractive and I don’t blame him, but he’d never said a single unkind word. My health has been affected and I’ve recently been losing weight and he’s been hugely supportive and kind about my progress but would never say the things your husband does. And frankly, since YOU feel good that’s the most important thing.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 27/09/2018 08:10

You could shed 16 stone easily by leaving him ;)

Giriffraff · 27/09/2018 08:10

Tell him if he carries on you'll have to lose 180lbs of him.

Merryoldgoat · 27/09/2018 08:11

Sorry, that should say ‘if you’d put on loads and loads of weight maybe a kind conversation would be appropriate’

Velvetbee · 27/09/2018 08:11

‘Raise the issue of my weight again and you’ll be sleeping on the sofa’.
Don’t get hurt, get angry. He’s being selfish and unrealistic.
What happens when he loses his hair or gets laughter lines. Are you allowed to demand plastic surgery?

Pollypanda · 27/09/2018 08:13

I’m so sorry OP what an awful way to be spoken to. I would take a step back and think about whether you’d be happily living the next 40, 50+ years with this man. If you are happy in yourself you don’t need to change for anyone else. Your husband should love you for the person you are, not your clothes size. All the best x

Velvetbee · 27/09/2018 08:13

‘he has’

fuzzywuzzy · 27/09/2018 08:15

Was he expecting you to eternally remain a twenty something year old?

How do you feel about him? Do you see a future with this man?

LucyMorningStar · 27/09/2018 08:15

Is he super ripped and groomed? He doesn't deserve you OP. What a shallow wankstain he is...

WildIrishRose1 · 27/09/2018 08:15

I'm concerned about his general undermining of you, as well as his comments about your weight. You will have to confront him on this or he will continue to denigrate you. He sounds horrible.

Welshmaiden85 · 27/09/2018 08:17

What a total waste of space. No wonder you had PND.

radiatorclotheshorse · 27/09/2018 08:17

What a horrible horrible man. Get him to fuck.
This post has actually enraged me this morning, sensitive issue in my head as my body completely changed after children. I'm still adjusting but coming round to the new curves and c-shelf.

How dare he discuss your pp weight as if it has any sort or bearing on you as a human.

Good luck, bet you are doing a great job as a Mum and even managing running too! Bloody hell, pass me some of your motivation too!

EvaHarknessRose · 27/09/2018 08:18

Don’t let him damage his childrens self-esteem with this insistence on meeting some ever higher bar. I guess he is unhappy with himself.

Welshmaiden85 · 27/09/2018 08:18

Sorry, that wasn’t helpful. But do think about if you want a life partner who treats you like this. He should be being extra kind now, not saying something that would takes years of couples counselling to repair!

LEMtheoriginal · 27/09/2018 08:20

I was an 8-10 when i met DP 25 long years ago. Im now size 18-20 in part down to medication. We just say im two for the price of one[ grin]. I do need to lose weight and he doesnt pretend otherwise. He does too but thankfully he is not a shallow dickhead and the only conversations we have about weight are health based!

AntiHop · 27/09/2018 08:21

He's being an arse. I've put on a lot of weight since being with dp (over a decade). He doesn't love me or fancy me any less. He also know it upsets me to talk about it, so he does not raise it. When I try and lose weight, he supports me.

Somehow his weight has stayed the same since the day we met, when though he was then in his 20s but now in his 40s. I'm very jealous.

thedevilinablackdress · 27/09/2018 08:21

It's not just your weight is it, he seems to have little respect for you, you say "he doesn't think I'm good at anything apart from being a mum"

That's no way to live. Would you want a friend or your DC to litwoth someone like that?

CountFosco · 27/09/2018 08:21

You have a 1 year old, you've been running for 6 months and you're just slightly overweight? He has no idea. It takes years to recover from pregnancy, I'm sure if you wanted to you could get fitter and lose more weight over the next year or so but I didn't even start thinking about doing exercise again until my youngest was about 2 so I'm very impressed with you achievements post baby. So basically, he's a fuckwit.

saoirse31 · 27/09/2018 08:22

I'd be quite concerned about what kind of attitudes he'd be passing onto your children tbh.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 27/09/2018 08:23

Your husband is awful.
I agree with what someone said above - don't get hurt, get angry!
Tell him he has no right to moan on at you, point out anything that has changed with him as I am sure he isn't exactly the same as when you met. Tell him he can walk if he doesn't stop.

Don't let him treat you this way. If you start to take on board what he is saying he will feel justified and like it is his right. It is not.
Get angry.

Rebellia · 27/09/2018 08:23

He has completely unrealistic expectations. Most of us were size 8-10 at one point in our teens/twenties, but it's impossible for the vast majority of women to sustain that indefinitely, especially post children.

Is he a pinnacle of male beauty by any chance?

I think you seriously need to consider your future with him. If you have daughters, is he going to be making the same sort of comments to them when they go through puberty and gain a bit of weight?

HopefullyAnonymous · 27/09/2018 08:25

I wish we could see a photo of this bloke because I’m expecting nothing short of Tom Hardy Hmm

He sounds awful.