My husband and my weightx

[Bebub]

Morning ladies,
I need some outside perspective. so im 5 foot 9 and when I met my husband in my late 20s when I was a size 8-10. I was out a lot as a mature student and skiped lots of meals. Fast forward 7 years we have two lovely children, ages 4 and 1, both which were very difficult pregnancies, I'm only just coming out of PND now. I've gone up two dress sizes to a 12-14 and my husband brings up my weight gain on a daily basis. He says he will definitely will not find me attractive if I gain anymore weight and he certainly won't be happy if I stay the same size. I'm incredibly hurt by his comments. He barely touches me in or outside the bedroom and he doesn't think I'm good at anything apart from being a mum. It's really draining my self worth, I've said to him this is who I am and he thinks it's just a cop out. His friends told him his standards were too high when looking for a girlfriend but he said he waited till someone right came along. Now it appears I'm not good enough.
He thinks he's not said anything wrong and that we should just aim to be better versions of ourselves. I've only just slipped into the overweight section in the BMI but I feel happier now than I have done in years. I've tried running 5k for 6monrths and my weight stayed the same. Is this just my post baby body? If so I'm happy with that but he won't accept it.

Thanks in advance !

[Sicario]

What a shit head.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Oh OP

I normally come to these posts with two minds - if someone has drastically changed their appearance it's hard to blame others for how attractive or not they find them

But that's not the case here

At 12 - 14 you are not unhealthy or fat. You're still under the average size for a woman in the UK. You have 2 small children and suffered pnd - I'm not sure where you were supposed to get the time or willpower to diet

If you were bigger or it was making you miserable then he may have had a point. As it stands however he is being mean and even if his intentions had been good he is going about it in a horrible way - since when did nagging and criticising encourage anyone to lose weight

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he's doing this. It reeks of someone who thinks it's a wife's duty to look good for them and not 'let themselves go' after marriage

Have you got any plans to go back to work?

[blackvelvetband]

Your husband is a cunt
You are beautiful 😍

[BewareOfDragons]

Tell him he's a twat. You've always wanted a man with a six pack and a bigger penis, but you've kept silent all these years...

Then tell him to go because you're not going to spend your life feeling like crap about yourself and letting him model this twatish behaviour for your children.

[Orchiddingme]

If you are struggling to change your body shape in mid-thirties, then really, this is not a sustainable relationship- as you go through the pre-meno and menopause, it can get even harder to shift any weight, and most, pretty much all, the people I know are bigger now than when they were in their 20's, even the ones who are still quite slim. This is normal, and you will also age in other ways- get wrinkles, skin sags a bit and so on. He sounds like he wants the 20 something year old you for ever. This is not actually possible.

He is also running you down in every other way- what does he mean not good enough except as a mother?

I don't know what you should do but surely he hasn't helped your PND with his bad attitude. Talk to close friends, your family and get some support. I don't think a relationship based on you being the same person you were years ago is going to last.

[SerenDippitty]

This has made me so angry on your behalf. He's a twat. He's the one with the problem not you.

[Shambu]

What a horrible shallow bullying little man. I'm very sorry for you that you've got him as a husband.

Not simply the weight issue, which is bad enough, but the fact you say he doesn't think you're good at anything other than being a mum.

Can we be absolutely clear, this kind of criticism has nothing whatsoever to do with high standards it's simply a form of belittling and control. Men who do this need to keep their wife down by chipping away at their self worth. Generally because underneath they have a negative relationship with themselves, low self worth etc.

[Peridot1]

What everyone else said! He’s an arse.

I was a 12-14 when I met my DH. I’m now a 18-20. He never comments except has said when pushed I’m not at my best. He supports me whenever I try to lose weight. Even though he gets frustrated at me going around in circles with it all. He understands it’s a big emotional/mental thing.

I would tell him to shut it. If he can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. Tell him you are what you are and if he doesn’t like it the door is that way. Tell him you are finding his attitude very unattractive.

I’m not sure about you but comments like that would make me eat more not less!

If you enjoy running then run for you. It’s great for mental health as well as physical. As is walking.

If you want to lose some weight then do it for you. But I would talk to him and say you are doing it for you not him. And point out that at 5ft 9 a size 8 is probably not achievable nor healthy. And that when you were size 8 it was skipping meals etc and not healthy or sustainable.

[TimIsHavingABadDay]

You have said it yourself OP. You feel better than you ever had and he doesn't give a shit. He wants you to shut up, drop some weight so you look like his picture perfect stepford wife and he doesn't care if you are miserable. He doesn't care what effect that has on your kids. He doesn't even seem to care that carrying his children has contributed to your weight and that is selfish fucktardery.

Honestly. Dump him. Get rid and embrace body confidence and happiness! There are plenty of people out there that care about a damn sight more than bmi!

[Orchiddingme]

Even if by some miracle you could have the same pre-baby body, do you want someone by your side in life who is so critical, sees the worst and runs you down?

[Shambu]

People are focusing on weight but I think the fact that he implies you're good at nothing other than motherhood is actually as, if not more, serious. And shows that the weight angle is another strategy to keep you down.

[RedPanda2]

Wow op he sounds awful, especially as you've told him how it makes you feel.
The funny thing is I bet he's a doughy mediocre man who thinks he's Gods gift. Does he only care about people's outsides?

[TheRealHousewife]

You are worth far more than how your husband makes you feel!

I would be sharing how worthless he made me feel and if he cares for you and your well-being he lose his negative attitude in regards to how much you weight. Love and acceptance are part of all loving relationships.

You sound like you have an awesome figure

[WorriesGalore]

I am serious. LTB.

[RedPanda2]

@Shambu you're so right. It doesn't sound like he actually likes you much, OP.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I expect that if you lose weight you will still not be good enough. He’ll find another way to find fault and put you down.

[Loopytiles]

What his friends said about him was a red flag. If his finding women sexually attractive depends on them having a BMI of 20-22 fair enough, he can date and take his chances!

His words and actions now suggest he doesn’t respect you. Unless this changes fast you’d be sensible to end the relationship.

Whatever you do don’t quit paid work!

[woodywoo2]

Your husband is a nasty waste of space. Get rid and be happy.

[BlaaBlaaBlaa]

Are you married to my Ex-H?
Seriously, I had this for 13 years and it eroded my self esteem. I was never good enough and ended up almost developing an eating disorder.
For years I was told I had such potential and imagine what i could look like if I just tried a bit harder and ate/drank less. He was also controlling in other ways and made me feel like a i was rubbish at everything.

I eventually left and met someone who loves me for me and I couldn't be happier.

I know it's hard with children but you need to evaluate if this can be sustained long term .

[NorthernRunner]

If you sister or best friend came to you saying this about their DP/DH, what would you say to them?

[EarlyModernParent]

Worrying. He seems to see you as a status object more than a person. He is certainly being astonishingly unpleasant and unkind. Ask him why he expects you to make an effort to be the way he wants when he shows you such constant disrespect.
And I agree that putting you down as just a mum is very serious. These things are both symptoms of the same disease.

[MarthasGinYard]

Ugh I'd lose the excess weight



You must be with an Adonis of a stunner

[AgathaF]

To keep mentioning it with such frequency is unkind and undermining towards you. It's not a large weight gain and for your height you are still slim and at a healthy weight. He has unrealistic expectations. This is damaging your self esteem now, but in the future I can only imagine it will get worse as you age. How will he accept and embrace facial lines, general sagging, grey hair, reduced mobility possibly? With increasing criticism and damage to your self-esteem? How will he be towards your dc if they don't meet his expectations of how they should look, perform, behave?

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Wow.... Just wow!


If you want perfection you have to offer it... But seriously what a way to live....

I would be more worried re the comments re not thinking you're good at anything...

That's crap... I would be seriously considering his place in the family

[AriadnePersephoneCloud]

You are good enough. He is not. He is clearly the opposite of everything good and you deserve much more. He sounds like the type of person that if you lost the weight would find something else about you to criticise. I don't know your exact situation but if this were my husband I'd be planning to leave.