My husband and my weightx

[Bebub]

Morning ladies,
I need some outside perspective. so im 5 foot 9 and when I met my husband in my late 20s when I was a size 8-10. I was out a lot as a mature student and skiped lots of meals. Fast forward 7 years we have two lovely children, ages 4 and 1, both which were very difficult pregnancies, I'm only just coming out of PND now. I've gone up two dress sizes to a 12-14 and my husband brings up my weight gain on a daily basis. He says he will definitely will not find me attractive if I gain anymore weight and he certainly won't be happy if I stay the same size. I'm incredibly hurt by his comments. He barely touches me in or outside the bedroom and he doesn't think I'm good at anything apart from being a mum. It's really draining my self worth, I've said to him this is who I am and he thinks it's just a cop out. His friends told him his standards were too high when looking for a girlfriend but he said he waited till someone right came along. Now it appears I'm not good enough.
He thinks he's not said anything wrong and that we should just aim to be better versions of ourselves. I've only just slipped into the overweight section in the BMI but I feel happier now than I have done in years. I've tried running 5k for 6monrths and my weight stayed the same. Is this just my post baby body? If so I'm happy with that but he won't accept it.

Thanks in advance !

Let's hope you don't ever go through illness etc that makes your weight increase even more.

This is awful I was a size 4/6 when I met mine and now I'm a size 12 and it's only been 5 years!! I feel much happier and healthier now but I do get loads of comments from people who haven't seen me for a while about how different I looks now.
Its hard when people make any sort of comment on your weight especially your S.O. don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough the way that you are.

Whilst his comments are obviously hurtful I do understand why someone would say that.

He did marry someone a certain size and that person has changed and I can understand if weight gain isn't attractive to him. I wouldn't find myself attractive and I certainly wouldn't be as attracted to my DH if he did. Looking after your appearance is important.

Of course, finding someone attractive and loving them are two different things. When you wed it's in sickness and in health and having weight gain shouldn't mean he doesn't love you or threatens that.

But I find it strange how so many women are against men commenting on it when it's still down to if they find you attractive. He's being honest, at least he's told you to your face. It's also not healthy. Yes you are tall and 12-14 is probably not that big on you but it entirely depends on two things IMO:

1. has he stayed the same weight/fitness?
2. are you happy with your weight?

If he has gained weight, tell him to go F himself. If you're not happy, then change, if you are... tell him to go F himself.

But it doesn't sound like you are.

he doesn't think I'm good at anything apart from being a mum. It's really draining my self worth

I think this is the main issue. His complaining about your weight is another way to keep you down. If you lose weight, he'd find something else to moan about.

What do you get out of this relationship, OP?

How can anyone stay with someone like this? What a dreadful, abusive man. You really would be happier on your own.

He's being a complete knob

Agree with merryoldgoat
I would genuinely end this relationship.
I feel so sad for you because you are not in a true partnership with your husband and you clearly aren’t a team.

I assume this a the tip of the iceberg?

At 5”9 having 2 kids a 12-14 is completely normal and healthy.

For contrast, I sat in lounges, planes and hotels and stuffed my face for 6 months this year travelled a lot for work and gained 1.5stone my DP is still incredibly attentive and while I’m not thrilled about the weight gain I can hand on heart I feel totalled loved (if anything more so) by him.

Don’t write off the next 40 years of your life by accepting this bullshit.everyone deserves better than this.

Not read the full thread but it's biology. At 19 ish, you have peak muscle mass, which is dense. As you get older, unless you do strength/resistance training, you lose muscle mass. Fat mass takes up more space, so you'll be naturally bigger, even if your weight stays the same.

I'm pretty heavy but still smaller than when I had a fatter body comp.

My DH has never trained, just started 18 months ago, stayed exactly the same weight & is way more tight & defined. I think he's lost 10% body fat. We didn't realise how skinny fat he'd become at a bmi of 23. He's in his 50's

Basically, you must not undereat as that affects your bone mass. He's asking the impossible really, as he wants the body of a youngster.

Running can be catabolic, so it's good for the heart but not so good for definition. A mix of exercise is best.

Hope this all makes sense, I would ltb as it's fecking up your mental health & setting you up as the reason to find another relationship.

So he thinks you are pretty useless and complains daily that you are "fat" after bearing his children?

Why are you with this pathetic specimen?

You can drop some Kg's pretty quick if you want to...... chuck that idiot out.
Congrats op on your beautiful family xx x
I doubt he exactly looks like magic mike ... twat

I don’t often say this but the man is a nasty fuckwit. Don’t let him destroy you with his own insecurities.
Having babies can often reduce self confidence because at the beginning we’re all doing something we have not experienced previously and which is high risk. Motherhood is a challenge and can make us doubt ourselves.
I wouldn’t have him touch me at all. I suspect you’re quite beautiful but have forgotten that due to what - 10lbs? Many, many women dream of being a size 10-12.
How to change? Get rid of some extra pounds! Leave him babysitting whilst you go shopping for a couple of stunning outfits, some nice shoes, makeup, scent, get your hair done and nails (if that’s your thing). Dress up so you look and feel stunning and go out with a friend for the evening (or two). Or your mother or to the cinema on your own.
I suspect you’ll be flirted with at some point and that will be something to tell him about when you get back.
Then consider whether you want to remain with someone like him.

@BewareOfDragons

Tell him he's a twat. You've always wanted a man with a six pack and a bigger penis, but you've kept silent all these years...

Say this, but don't say he is a twat. Don't drag yourself down to his level.

Just drop into conversation that you have never really enjoyed sex, because his penis is quite small. Act all concerned, (head tilted,) and say 'it's not your fault though hun (yeah say HUN, it's nice and patronising! ) And 'don't feel BAD about it hun.. lots of men have smaller than average penises...'

Apart from all that, I also feel rage reading your OP. What a thundercunt your husband is!

Sadly, you are not the first to have a husband or partner who is obsessive about his WOMAN staying slim. Sometimes I wonder if it's that they don't want their mates to see them with a 'bigger' woman. Men take the piss out of each other, and a man with what is deemed as a bigger woman/chubby/overweight will be mocked. (Although you sound fine anyway, and not overweight at ALL!)

As has been said, he DOES sound like a horrible bully. I know a man who has always been obsessed with his women being thin, not slim or curvy or athletic, but THIN. Every one of them had to stay at a size 8 or less, or he would go cold on them, and tell them they had let him down, and no man is attracted to 'fat birds.' Vile twat. Your husband sounds the same!

But yeah @Bebub - play him at his own game!

For your height, size 12-14 is fine!! He's a twat tbh.

this is bad. really bad.

I wouldn't be with a man like that, never mind want him around my children.

Op he is very unrealistic in his expectations as you age.
DH is a builder and actually weighs less than when we got married 40 years ago, apart from his very physical job, he cycles everywhere and goes to exercise classes twice a week. However with age he is a far larger/different shape than he was in his twenties.
For both sexes our bodies change as we age, with women it usually happens down to hormones/childbirth.
My shape has altered since the menopause, there is very little I can do and I am no heavier than I was prior to the menopause.
Op he sounds very shallow and seems to be obsessed with image, as a pp said you probably have a far healthier lifestyle now than you did in your 20's. For your height your weight is healthy.
Keep with the running. join a local jogging/running club, its great to run with others and very social.
You need to spell it out to him that if he feels you are not physically good enough for him , he doesn't have to look at you every day ie the door is that way!

@Peonylover123

He did marry someone a certain size and that person has changed and I can understand if weight gain isn't attractive to him. I wouldn't find myself attractive and I certainly wouldn't be as attracted to my DH if he did. Looking after your appearance is important.

Are you actually serious right now?

Any man who expects a woman to stay exactly the same - HER WHOLE LIFE - as she was when they met, after having children, and ageing, and everything, is a fucking moron who doesn't deserve to HAVE a woman.

Ans so what if HE hasn't gained weight also? He hasn't carried and birthed 2 babies has he?!!!

The OP deserves better than this shallow cunt.

I have to ask @Bebu have you told him how much he upsets you?

TYPO @Bebub have you told your husband how much he is upsetting you?

I am not going to tell you to leave your husband etc OP.

Maybe play him at his own game, find something that he is sensitive about and constantly criticize him about it. If he says something about your weight again, just say "that is ok, so and so says I really look nice and curvy". Be confident about your weight and do not try and hide it, you are only going to make yourself sick. If he continues tell him if he does not like it he can leave. Do not let him bully you about your weight.

He’s a jerk. I’m 5’9 and was a size 16 when I met my dh and still am now after 2 dc. He thinks I look great. Even if he didn’t though he’s a loving, respectful person and would know to keep his trap shut about it.

If you did want to get back to your pre-baby size (which you may, for yourself, not your stupid husband), I don’t suppose he’s willing to take on more parenting and household responsibilities to give you more free time to do so?

Next time, tell him he'd be a far better version of himself if he grew up and adjusted his expectations of a wife that has carried two pregnancies and given him 2 beautiful children.

Your weight is in perfect proportion to your height, don't you dare let him make you feel it isn't. I've been all sizes between a 16 and 24 since having kids, my DH only comments when my mood gets low and I'm miserable with myself.... and even then it's a "what can we do to make you feel better" not a "christ you're a lard arse".

Congratulations on your lovely children, OP, I would love to be mum to little ones again, such a wonderful time. You deserve to enjoy it.

To answer the least important of your questions first - 'is this just my baby body now?" - your body changes throughout your life. From the perspective of my fifties, mid-menopause, I'm fitter and slimmer now than for years, because I"ve more time to devote to exercise and diet. I've lost and gained weight over the years, depending on my mental state and how well I'm taking care of myself. I"ve been happy for years now, and my general health reflects that. So, in my experience, there's no set trajectory where you get older, you get heavier and less fit, and that's just that.

As for your husband's attitude and remarks: OP, he is an ARSE. Honestly, everyone here who has told you to get angry and not tolerate this crap is absolutely right. Him not want to touch you? YOU don't want to touch him until he starts treating you right.. I would try and avoid getting hot under the collar - cold, icy rebuffal of his premises is more likely to be convincing and less stressful for you 'I'm not listening to that rubbish. Don't bother talking to me until you can speak to me decently.' I"m sure there will be people on here who can give you a really good script.

And congratulations on emerging from PND - you need people in your life to help you with that. Your husband doesn't sound like he is one of the now.

Turn it back on him. Tell him he's no longer the person you married and you're not sure if you can carry on with this person he has become. You married someone who loved you for you, who was fun to be around, who wanted to be with you, who wanted to raise a family with you and promised to love you through everything and he's no longer that person. As such, you're not sure you can stay with him.

I had a boyfriend who was like this once. He wasn't worried about my weight, he just didn't find me visually attractive. I was bigger than you - 5 foot 2 and a 14 He used to say awful things to me. Memorably, "Naomi Campbell doesn't have cellulite, why do you?".

So I lost 2 stone and dumped him.

I met my current partner 2 years later, age 30 and size 10

I am now 52, and I have put the weight back on recently due to the menopause. My body has changed so much, I have grown a huge stomach and I really don't like what I see in the mirror. It is VERY hard to lose menopause weight. My partner still loves me. He listens to me when I moan, and helps me by being supportive.

If YOU want to lose weight do it. But it sounds to me you are a good weight for your size.

How do you think your partner will react when you go through the menopause? When you age? Believe me, it is hard to come to terms with without someone heckling from the sidelines.

He is deliberately trying to chip away at your confidence. I actually don’t think it’s only your weight , he doesn’t have any respect for you as a person.
If you are prepared to put up with this for the next thirty years, then stay. If not, you know what you have to do

I'm sorry, he really is horrible. You're doing really well, Cindi all you've had to cope with. Size 12-14 at your height is absolutely fine; and what matters is that you're happy in yourself, and you are.

I'm much bigger than when I first met my DH; I was a size 10 then. My weight has always fluctuated, and I was silly enough to ask him whether he would fancy me if I was overweight. He said to me, 'I don't like big women.'

I'm sure he would like it if I lost weight, but he's certainly never said anything about it. We have so much going on with 2 adopted DDs of 9 and 6, DD1 is about to start therapy to help her with her Attachment Disorder.

I've been on medication for my PTSD for 4 years now, so it would be very difficult to lose weight right now. My DH has been lovely through all of it and has given no indication at all that he's gone off me. (I've learnt my lesson and don't ask, though, as tact isn't his strong point!!)

As others have said, you do need to think carefully about the impact his treatment of you will have on your DC.