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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband and my weightx

119 replies

Bebub · 27/09/2018 08:04

Morning ladies,
I need some outside perspective. so im 5 foot 9 and when I met my husband in my late 20s when I was a size 8-10. I was out a lot as a mature student and skiped lots of meals. Fast forward 7 years we have two lovely children, ages 4 and 1, both which were very difficult pregnancies, I'm only just coming out of PND now. I've gone up two dress sizes to a 12-14 and my husband brings up my weight gain on a daily basis. He says he will definitely will not find me attractive if I gain anymore weight and he certainly won't be happy if I stay the same size. I'm incredibly hurt by his comments. He barely touches me in or outside the bedroom and he doesn't think I'm good at anything apart from being a mum. It's really draining my self worth, I've said to him this is who I am and he thinks it's just a cop out. His friends told him his standards were too high when looking for a girlfriend but he said he waited till someone right came along. Now it appears I'm not good enough.
He thinks he's not said anything wrong and that we should just aim to be better versions of ourselves. I've only just slipped into the overweight section in the BMI but I feel happier now than I have done in years. I've tried running 5k for 6monrths and my weight stayed the same. Is this just my post baby body? If so I'm happy with that but he won't accept it.

Thanks in advance ! Grin

OP posts:
Aaarrrggghh · 27/09/2018 09:38

Knob.

OoohAyyye · 27/09/2018 09:41

*If you're not happy, then change, if you are... tell him to go F himself.

But it doesn't sound like you are*

Peonylover123 do you mean it doesn't sound like OP is happy? No you're right. She isn't happy... because of her DH. Not because of her weight because if you read the post properly you would see that OP said she feels "happier now than I have done in years"

piscis · 27/09/2018 09:41

@Peonylover

It really doesn't matter if he has stayed the same weight, he hasn't been pregnant twice, has he?

Justabouthadituptohere · 27/09/2018 09:45

OP you said you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. You eat healthily no longer skipping meals and you’re exercising.

The only toxic element of your life is your absolute dick of a husband. Get rid of him.

SunshineP · 27/09/2018 09:46

He sounds awful. This is unacceptable and just plain nasty. I really think you should sell him

explodingkitten · 27/09/2018 09:46

I'm sorry but this relationship is over. He can't and won't accept change in you. Now it's your weight, in a couple of years it will be your wrinkles, or grey hair, or sagging. Been there done that. It's over. Your only choicd is if you break up now or when your self esteem has gone. I'm so sorry Thanks

GreenMeerkat · 27/09/2018 09:48

What an arse.

Having children can completely change the shape and composition of your body so may never go back to the same shape. You carried two of his children FFS he should understand and respect that!!

I put on a LOT of weight in all 3 of my pregnancies (currently on #3) but I have lost it all. I was in much better shape after #2 than I have ever been, but still a dress size bigger than pre pregnancy.

Thebluedog · 27/09/2018 09:51

Your weight doesn’t define who you are.... however his attitude towards your weight certainly defines who he is, and says more about him than you!

His comment about wanting to be ‘your better self’ Is bollocks!! I’d rather be kind, a good mum, happy, selfless, there are any number of things that make us a ‘better self’ but weight or looks aren’t one of them!

I’m afraid your dh is far too interested in looks and image than what makes you who you are. He’s a knob

adviceonthepox · 27/09/2018 09:56

Omg what an arse! You should not be under pressure to be a certain size by a man who promised to love you eternally. Tell him he is getting fat and see how he reacts Angry

fantasmasgoria1 · 27/09/2018 09:56

I would leave him. He is affecting your self confidence and esteem. I was a 10 when I met my fiancé and I am now a 12. I am tall so I look ok slim but my fiancé doesn’t care about it, it is me he loves and he fancies me like mad!

swingofthings · 27/09/2018 09:58

What matters OP is whether You are happy with your size. You shouldn't change it just for him however I do understerstand where he is coming from as I feel the same. The think is both Oh and I are on the same wavelength and this is something we talked about before we married.

It doesn't mean that if either of us putting weight we would be horrible to each other but as we both agree on the weight we want to be, mentioning weight gain doesn't come across as offensive.

And no it's not unrealistic to believe you can be the same weight all your life. I am the same in my late 40s as I was in my early 20s with two children.

It remains that you should only do it for yourself.

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 10:01

What a pathetic excuse for a man he is. He's shallow as a puddle. My husband is frequently heard to say that sex appeal lies in the grey fluffy stuff between the ears. Which is just as well really!

What kind of message is his weight fascism going to give your children? That we all have to look perfect or we're worthless.

thecatsthecats · 27/09/2018 10:02

I'm 5'8" and when I was 12-14 I looked very slim to be honest!

I was that size when my fiance and I got together. I was six stone heavier up to six months ago (have lost three stone). My fiance says I'm gorgeous at any size, felt me up plenty when I was bigger, cheerleads my weightloss - is not a dick basically, but a loving partner who's invested in ME, not the label in my dress.

You don't want your kids affected by this, let alone yourself.

MyHusbandSaysIHave1000MNNames · 27/09/2018 10:05

Just leave because eventually if your weight doesn't go down he'll cheat on you anyway and either you'll leave him then or he'll leave you for her.

HidingFromMyKids · 27/09/2018 10:05

I suppose as I'm a larger clothes size than you he would also have a low opinion of me based on that. Am I a disgusting specimen not even worthy of human rights in his eyes?

His attitude will not only damage you but your children and I'm sorry he has worn you down.
Well done on loosing weight for you.
The main point is that you have said YOU are happy now but he brings it up daily?!

He sounds awful and I don't see how he could be a good enough husband/father in any other aspects to make this ok even if he only said it once.

Snomade · 27/09/2018 10:12

Was he critical in other ways, before you gained the weight, OP?
It just reads like the weight gain is the stick he's choosing to beat you with but perhaps the bigger issue is that he feels the need to constantly put you down. He knows by now that criticising you about it every day does not yield the results he (supposedly) wants, so in my mind, there must be a different reason for him doing it. A way to put you in your place, as it were.
You deserve better, OP.

Branleuse · 27/09/2018 10:15

id just leave tbh. Hows he going to cope when you get old if his attraction is based on such a narrow margin of acceptability. You are a slim and normal size. Who can be bothered with doing anything at all for somebody that sits and criticises and nitpicks their appearance. Shallow, boring and doesnt bode well for the future

Deadringer · 27/09/2018 10:35

Most people fall in love with a person, not a body size. Yes dramatic weight loss/gain can affect attraction, but this isn't really the case here. He sounds like the type of man who thinks that women are worthwhile only for their looks. In his eyes he is the victim of a bait and switch, you reeled him in with a slim toned body and now he is stuck with a woman who has lost her value because in his eyes you are no longer attractive enough. He's a misogynist imo and he won't change.

Lazypuppy · 27/09/2018 10:41

As long as you are eating relatively healthy/looking after yourself etc then his comments are horrible. As you say, you have only just slipped into overweight bmi, so i would work to get back to healthy, as then size is a bit irrelevant. Pregnancy changes our body, and there is only so much you can do.

However, if you aren't looking after yourself etc then i could understand his frustration, but he could have worded it better.

DadJoke · 27/09/2018 10:58

Weight is such a fraught issue, especially for women, that even if people bring it up in the kindest, most gentle way for health reasons, it's unlikely to have the desired effect. I would prefer my partner who is overweight to be slimmer (and so would she) but there is literally no way I would mention it, and I will love her body whatever it looks like because it is hers.

Your DH is being a dick. He is afflicted by the the fact his wife is now a mother, and there is a good chance that he is pining for the impossible. If you are happy with your body (and it sounds like you are) then the problem is his. If he won't give you the attention you deserve, then I'd suggest you dress up and go out with your friends once a week, to remind him you aren't "just" a mother. Then he might realise what he is missing (if he is worth keeping at all).

ittakes2 · 27/09/2018 11:06

I was a a size 8 when I met my husband and I am now a size 18. I need to lose weight for health reasons so I am starting to exercise (today!) . But my husband would also never say anything derogratory about my looks. Instead he tells me how loved and cherished I am. He knows a significant part of my weight gain is down to having children and the hectic life style that can bring. I'm sorry your husband is so critical of you - this would not be good for your confidence. Life can be tricky enough at times - we need to surround ourselves with people that love and support us. Good luck.

SurlyValentine · 27/09/2018 11:25

I saw one of those meme/quote things on social media recently, probably quite an old one but very relevant here: a drawing of a larger lady alongside the words "Unless I'm sitting on your face, my weight is none of your concern".

Given that you've said your husband barely touches you either in or outside the bedroom, that scenario is very unlikely to happen, ergo your weight is none of his business.

I'd be having a no holds barred, cards on the table talk with him about the entire relationship and how he makes you feel, and making decisions on my and my childrens' futures based on his responses. Flowers for you.

Haireverywhere · 27/09/2018 11:35

There was a thread recently and a poster said they'd stopped having sex with their partner due to not finding them attractive after weight gain and unless they lost weight they'd dump them. It got quite heated!

His expectations are not realistic his way of talking to you is awful. You are happy and barely overweight by the sounds of it! I think he sounds just the type to cheat on you with a smaller pre-baby version of yourself if you don't lose weight. He's feeling quite justified in his comments by the sounds of it and you are entirely unreasonable in his mind I imagine.

Deadringer · 27/09/2018 12:06

It would be one thing if he sat you down and told you he is sorry but he no longer finds you attractive, or if he told you he is concerned about your health, upsetting to hear but understandable. The reality is he is making comments every single day about your appearance and making you feel worthless. Disgusting behaviour. I for one would not forgive it, imo he sounds like a horrible man.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 12:17

He sounds incredibly selfish. He basically seems entirely motivated by his preference for your physical appearance and not at all by your feelings. If your attraction to your partner is so fragile that going up 2 dress sizes is enough to put you off them you simply must not marry and have kids with them.