9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

I think it was the dog incident that tipped me over the edge as well. I have the absolute rage just thinking of that. There is nothing cultural about threatening violence towards animals.

I have found with my SIL situation (who hates MIL) - over time (and we are talking decades) her son has gradually come to realise what his wife is actually like (as have so many others). He is now making much more effort to strengthen the relationship with his mother. If you back off, keep the door open but rise above with grace and dignity - then you are much more likely to repair the relationship but it will take time.

I'm astonished that so many people say they'd be cool with expecting and catering for 12 people and would just roll their eyes when 40 turned up.

No one has said they'd be fine with it. It's everyone's worst nightmare! But others would be tolerant enough to recognise that this is a cultural difference and does not have the same meaning that it would have if 40 white British guests had turned up when 'immediate family' was invited. Therefore, unless you want to live in Stroppyland on your own, it is inappropriate to react as if 40 white British guests had just turned up. Key word: misunderstanding.

@ CesiraAndEnrico
I’d just like to thank you for your words on this thread. The clarity with which you have expressed how this situation comes about is something I have never been able to achieve. I’ve copied some of it to show to friends who are supportive, but don’t quite “get it” (it must be difficult to comprehend if you haven’t had the same experience).
Have come out of years of lurker status to let you know, you have given me a little step further to peace with myself.

Apologies in advance for formatting!

Ditto the dog, unfortunately. It's a cultural difference. They're probably coming from a culture where a great deal of time and effort is spent maintaining cleanliness. Dogs are seen completely differently. It is certainly one of those times where difference is not equal but it is still difference. Reacting as if a white British person was suggesting that the dog be kicked is not going to help anyone. Nor is it the fault of the DIL, the DS or the DIL's parents. They're not responsible for everything their family does. While I would feel outraged if this had happened in my home, I'd also be kicking myself for not settling the dog somewhere before they came as this would be the host's job.

To be honest, the meaning is entirely irrelevant. On a practical level your house is crammed with people, you've cooked a fraction of the food needed, the uninvited guests are demanding and object to your pets to the point of announcing they want to hurt them. In what universe is that acceptable?

" your DiL was happy to accept your hospitality and everything else on offer when it suited her purposes but now she has her life exactly as she wants it you're superfluous to requirements. "

That applies to Op's son as well though doesn't it?

It would seem that whatever "good" Op has done in the past, the current "bad" is too much to be put up with.

Of course whether the son is sticking by his wife-as women on here are constantly being told that their OHs should do-or whether he is being controlled by his wife & family is another matter.

The thing is, if the circumstances were reversed and the Op went to her parents home and started to criticise the food, the arrangements or was directly rude to the hosts - would we be as quick to forgive this as being 'cultural differences'. I very much doubt it. It is actually hugely offensive to people of all cultures to suggest that they are unable 'culturally' to behave in an acceptable manner.

Agreed LaLoba - it's very well said and expresses the "pattern" that many of us are seeing but which is so hard to articulate to people who haven't been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour.

I also spend a great deal of time maintaining cleanliness in my home and would resent the implication that I was unhygienic because I had a pet. The dog goes to the hairdressers (dog groomers) more than me and is bathed frequently which he loves and luxuriates in.

This is why I hate weddings! It sounds like the bride and her family were very much in control of this. How a couple gets married is up to them, not you. Your dil obviously was worried about brining a white guy into the family so perhaps it’s only natural she gave her parents a big stake in the day. You already respected the relationship. Plus there’s obviously a culture clash. Your son has married into a different culture and you have to accept this. Expectations will be different. I assume you would have needed to be told what to do and wear at a wedding from another culture so why are you fussing about that. It seems like you are a bit jealous of the in laws and if anything is going to drive your son away it is jealousy.

I think you are right to be a bit annoyed that the acceptance you showed before marriage and before her parents knew had been ignored. I’d be annoyed at that. But you need to now just back off and let her parents get to know their sil too.

I don’t mean to be harsh but I have issues with my own mother who Is very jealous of my mil. Fights and arguments will not bring your son back they all just push him away.

It is actually hugely offensive to people of all cultures to suggest that they are unable 'culturally' to behave in an acceptable manner.

I couldn't disagree more. The whole point is that what's acceptable to you may not be acceptable to them and vice verca. Mistakes will happen. You would find it 'rude' if, as happens in some places, people turned up to dinner two hours late. They would find it rude if you were on time. 'Acceptable' is a mutually agreed, cultural term.

I also spend a great deal of time maintaining cleanliness in my home and would resent the implication that I was unhygienic because I had a pet.

Again, your idea of 'clean' will not be their idea of 'clean'. Dogs have secretions. There is nothing you can do about that but it's enough to make them 'dirty' in the eyes of some cultures (who are also often scared of them because they encounter them only in a feral context).

I feel that many of these answers may help the OP in feeling that she is 'right' but they will not help her in becoming more understanding of her DIL's culture. Ultimately they will serve to make her feel she can judge and sit back. That will only make her miserable in the long run.

Someone upthread asked the OP if she wanted to be right or to be happy. That was wise. She can't be both.

I couldn't disagree more. The whole point is that what's acceptable to you may not be acceptable to them and vice verca. Mistakes will happen.

I am more than aware of this. I have lived in many different cultures through my life and always have to make adjustments. It is quite another thing to suggest that it is acceptable in any culture to threaten violence to a member of the hosts family.

Things might be acceptable to your culture, but when you are living in a different one & meeting at the house of a local-some awareness of how to behave might be a good idea?

That said, the rudness of Dil's extended family is neither the fault of her or Op's son.

My sister is frightened of dogs, not because her religion tells her to be, because she just doesn’t like them, but if she went to someone’s house she wouldn’t be rude about it. It’s all about common courtesy, being of a different culture doesn’t give you the right to be rude. You’d think the 40 who turned up would have checked in advance if there was a (likely) chance of a dog in the house, and then stayed away.

We felt like guests at our sons wedding.

What else would you be? They were adults, arranged their own wedding (with help from her parents as is tradition) so in what way would you expect to be involved?
This one comment really stood out to me - it shows how much you feel you should be involved in every detail of your adult sons married life - and they dont want you to be! Hence the late notice on the move, the sending back the furniture etc - they've been trying to tell you for ages to Back Off and you didnt get it?
They're at fault too for not having a clear discussion but you sound very overbearing.

I would, of course, put my dog in a bedroom if I had a visitor who was scared of dogs. I believe respect for cultural differences cuts both ways

coolmute
You’d think the 40 who turned up would have checked in advance if there was (likely) chance of a dog in the house, and then stayed away.

That’s a cheap thing to say and this sort of thinking, which got op into this situation in the first place.

The ops guests may well have thought “you’d have thought seeing as birdlady was having all of us over she would have respected us enough to put that dirty dog somewhere else.”

Different cultural references. Doesn’t mean that we are right and they are wrong. The Brits tried for several centuries. It didn’t end well as I recall.

Your dil obviously was worried about brining a white guy into the family

Why is this not seen as the vile racism that it is. For some reason people don’t seem to be as appalled when it’s not racism from white people. If the Op had come on and said she was horrified at the idea of her son marrying someone of another race/colour she would be shot down in flames and rightly so. Racism should never be excused, oddly in this case it seems to getting ignored.

People need to stop nit picking over the ops behaviour and concentrate more on the vile racist family her son has married in to. There lies the problem.

just something which has stood out to me OP, your DIL admired the furniture?
Was it a passing 'oh, that's nice' while shopping? and not an actual 'I love that, I wish we had the money to buy it now'?

I ask as what you may have interpreted as her wanting it, was more just a comment, maybe even in agreement to you saying you liked it, and yes of course it is controlling for you to then go out, not consult them and buy it and arrange delivery without notifying them of it.

The ops guests may well have thought “you’d have thought seeing as birdlady was having all of us over she would have respected us enough to put that dirty dog somewhere else.”
No that shouldn’t be the case at all. How should the op have known to do that. The rudeness comes from the other side, to turn up with 40 in tow, to make insulting remarks about the dog etc. Why the hell should the op think her dog is considered dirty anyway.

Different cultural references. Doesn’t mean that we are right and they are wrong
I quite agree but in this case we’re talking about common manners shown to the host. The Op was in her own home, good manners shouldn’t depend on what culture you are from.

Just as the op would be wise to understand a bit more of her daughter in law's culture and that of her family, so should they make more of an effort to understand the op's. That is good manners and most people have to compromise.

As dil lived with the op for quite a while, one would have thought she'd have had a bit more understanding and presumably most of her family live here.

It's very over the top for her son to have gone no contact. Families do have ups and downs but if it isn't a case of abuse or some sort of rip off, there's no reason for it to go on forever.

Dear op, please try to put this problem in a box and get on with your life. I honestly believe your son will miss you and be more understanding in time. Keep the doors open but no more than that. I'm really sad for you.

In some cultures dogs are seen as vermin, so seeing a dog in the house is the equivalent of seeing a street rat. I adore dogs and animals but if I had a guest who had this belief I would keep the dog elsewhere for the visit. In the same way that I would not serve Jewish guests sausage rolls. That's part of being a good host, understanding your guests needs and wants and respecting them. The spotlight was on you when you were hosting her family, I think you could have put up and grumbled to your husband after the fact. Is it more important to be in the right or to get along?