To want bulimic SIL to stop purging in my shower and binging on our food

[Amgelima]

I am convinced that my SIL has bulimia, but she clearly wants to keep it a secret. She emerges from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and fresh cuts (Russell's sign) on the back of her hands. When she sleeps at our house, She gets up in the middle of the night and eats loads of food (entire litre of milk, gone. New container of hot cocoa, gone. Box of cereal, gone. Package of grapes, gone.). We wake up to an empty carton of milk and struggle to find a new breakfast plan for the kids which is super frustrating. Food vanishes at night, but during the day she will only eat one meal. We off her her breakfast and she says, "I don't need it I am planning to eat lunch". She goes out at lunch time, and comes back. We offer her dinner and she says, "I don't need it I ate lunch". My husband has tried to speak to her about his concerns that she isn't eating meals during the day, but she wants none of it. She tells him she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I know that if I tried to address the bulimia with her it would start drama. My husband is trying to express concern and she will be much more open to him than to me.

All that to say, i am so tired of cleaning vomit residue out of the shower and sink after her visits. And of losing so much food when she comes for a last minute visit which prevents me from being able to stock up on milk (her most common binge). What would you do if this was you? I know I prob sound uncompassionate but I am really just tired of cleaning vomit out of the sink and shower and dealing with plugged up drains as I've got enough to deal with with three kids under the age of 4!!

Should I address the issue with SIL? Should I play stupid and say, "What is this strange brown film in the shower? Do you know?" Not having her visit us any more is not an option. I wish she would get better from her eating disorder, but since she is actively resisting my DH's efforts to address it, I wish she would at least be considerate of the impact she has on my family and myself when vomiting in our shower and sink and leaving no milk or cereal for the children. Any suggestions are appreciated as I'm finding it frustrating.

+People continue with this shit because other people pussy foot around them.*

“This shit” is a mental illness.

Sorry if this had been mentioned - not quite got to end of thread
BUT
When you eat one meat a day your blood sugar drops so low you stay craving sugary stuff to get the level up as fast as possible.
It's a normal reaction of the body to prevent death through starvation.
Also lack of protein in the body will cause craving for sugar.
That's a the science of this.
Complex carbohydrates like rice are best for keeping blood sugar level and avoiding the sugar dip.
Also get her some help.
The NHS has some great stuff available now for emotional problems.
Good luck 😉 I

I think it is your DH who needs to talk to her and offer support. Boundaries also need to be set down. Yes she is ill but you have impressionable young children. If they are under fours now they won't be picking up on her unhealthy eating habits or her ED but they are affected when she eats food meant for them or is unhygienic.

I would tell her that you are aware that she is purging, and she is leaving a mess, please could she use the toilet, and use wipes provided to clean up. Also to bring her own food with her as well. Yes she is ill, but you should not have to put up with that near your children in your house on a regular basis. She sounds inconsiderate, surely if she is binging and purging, her own environment would be much better, I would hate to do that in other people's houses.

She sounds inconsiderate, surely if she is binging and purging, her own environment would be much better, I would hate to do that in other people's houses.

Do you think she wants to purge in other people’s houses? She is almost certainly utterly ashamed that she feels she has to do this.

Also Purple she is leaving a mess for op, which is not acceptable, and eating food that op maybe cannot afford. This has to be broached somehow. Either that, or pop does not ask them to stay.

I hope she receives the help that she needs, as its obvious she needs it.

Haven't read the full thread but I just wanted to share. I am bulimic.

I can't admit this to anyone IRL. It's easier here where I'm faceless. I think if she is leaving traces of her purge then she is seeking help. I wouldnt ever do it in people's houses because I don't want them to know. I always carried mints, I didnt have cuts on my hands (learned behaviour), always carried eye drops and wet wipes. If I purged when out the house I am so conscious about hiding all evidence. I don't actively purge now but I still have the urges so I am definitely not "over it" or "healed".

This is a cry for help IMO.

I suffered with bulimia and am not fully recovered I must admit. She may very well think she is covering it up well, but until someone points out the mess she makes, she won't realise.
I used to think that no one noticed my mess until I got pulled aside by a family member who said 'if you're going to be sick can you just make sure you clean up properly' (I was open about my ED so they already knew about it) and to be honest that one conversation gave me a kick up the arse to ensure I cleaned up properly every time.

It's a shame you don't feel comfortable to say something to her yourself, I think your husband is your best option as she won't likely open up to you if you feel there's a bit of a gap between you two.

Thank you all for the continued feedback. This is helping me to gather the courage and energy to address this problem. I am torn between wondering whether she is crying for help by leaving obvious signs or being inconsiderate, but either way it needs to be addressed.

Someone asked why I've let it go on for a few years - I've reflected on that, and I think that it's just taken a while for me to become certain that she has bulimia. At first I blew off the signs as a one off strange event here and there. Then As it happened more I began to observe and actually look for signs and read up on EDs after her visits. Now that I'm certain that's what it is, and am getting upset about the impact on our family, I'm gathering the will to address it. It also helps to have feedback from strangers who can be objective in case I have blind spots in how I'm dealing with it. (So thanks again to all of you).

Someone asked why we don't notice her nighttime raids... I have heard her making noise at 2am before - doing stuff in the kitchen. And figured she was binging. I was also dealing with putting my son back to bed. most of the time when she stays with us she stays downstairs in the living room which is next to the kitchen, and the rest of us are upstairs, so I'm not surprised that we don't hear lots of noise.

To answer some other questions, SIL lives with her parents which I find a bit unusual. She is really, really attached to MIL and says MIL is her best friend which I always found odd. When we visit with my husband's family, SIL and MIL have often gone out to coffee together without inviting me (including before the children were born) which I also found sad/hurtful because they live in the same house and can spend time together any time -- it was like they didn't want to include me as one of the girls. I would initiate taking them out for coffee and they would usually end up coming and MIL would say how glad she was we were all out together. It's a difficult situation to read at times. Thankfully SIL started dating a guy about a year ago and they plan to move in together by Christmas and are looking for a place to live.

You've asked why she stays with us - sometimes it's because MIL wants to visit the grandchildren and SIL tags along. Sometimes it's been because our house is on the way to something she is doing (late night event or plane flight or whatever) and she would like to break up the journey or not travel late at night. (We live about 2 hours away). Sometimes (recently) it was because she wanted to visit her BF but is sick of his housemates and wanted to stay with us instead. (I thought that strange but we thought maybe they had a fight or something and said of course she could stay). Some of her visits are requested several days / a week in advance, and sometimes it's last minute. As I mentioned earlier, for the most part it's not like we see her every week. Maybe 2-3 times per month, followed by a month or so of not seeing her.

About my DH, I think he struggles to set boundaries and stand up to family at times, although he's gotten better. SIL sometimes does generate drama and while MIL usually gets along well with me and is considerate and a good MIL over all, I think she would take her daughter's side if SIL gets upset over being confronted. MIL also seems to have eating issues (but has never binged on our food and usually brings homemade meals if she comes to visit), so I am afraid MIL might not only take offence on behalf of SIL but may help reinforce the denial. Maybe I am overthinking this though.

After considering what has been said here I do think the issue needs to be addressed and I have not been calling DHs attn to the vomit so next time it happens I will do it and will discuss the missing food with him (he also had to leave for work early so was not there when the children and I came down to no milk). I think DH needs to be the one to talk to SIL about the boundaries ideally but I will prob do it if he won't.

PS - someone asked why she doesn't use a toothbrush - I should clarify that the bloody cuts on back of hands were something I saw more in the beginning. On her most recent visit I noticed she kept a toothbrush in our bathroom just a toothbrush siting out by the sink for her entire stay. While making sure to take her makeup bag and shampoo and other toiletries out of bathroom. I did wonder about the toothbrush just sitting there and found it odd.

I would approach it in a very matter of fact way.
You have noticed the vomit, and it is not nice in your house, please use the loo, not the shower basin, and clean up properly.
Also, please don't eat the kids breakfast there needs to always be milk and cereal in the house at breakfast time.

Then I would gently ask if there was anything she would like to tell you, or that she wants help with?

This is a really tough one for me because I want to scream how fucking dare she make the impact for her choices fall on you and your children, how dare she leave them without food (briefly) and leave her vomit for you to clear up. So I don't see the sloppiness with leaving vomit as a cry for help, more like a complete disregard for you. However I am coming from that as the child of an alcoholic who always put their needs first. Because of that I'm really not sure I can get on board with addiction is an illness not a choice thing, because from where I stood a lot of bad choices were freely and repeatedly made. And I'm not sure that the impact of your SIL's ED and e.g. my parent's drinking are that different. Someone is coming into your home and being an arse, and that's what you can act upon.

What we ended up doing - because of course one must not talk about these things openly - was avoiding all overnights and trigger situations (e.g. pub meals). All alcohol (so binge food) was hidden or removed and if drinking at home (in your case eating) was unavoidable we'd keep the wine in the garage behind 2 locked doors and only bring out 1 bottle at a time. We could never say directly "this is unacceptable" because the denial was so great but we could make it clear it didn't happen in our house - and when we lost control over that there visits to our home ended.

@ArtemisWeatherwax - did you mean to be so rude dismissive?

I'm not sure how you can put alcoholism on the same page as an eating disorder. Bulimia is not an addiction in the way that you describe.

I'm sorry for the experiences you've suffered, but surely you must comprehend that it's completely different?

Yes the OP's SIL needs to be more mindful of her own cleanliness and the food that she eats - but from reading the OP's post, it appears to me that there was actually only one occasion where there was no milk for breakfast, and I'm sure the OP's children weren't left starving with no food whatsoever. Do please correct me if I'm wrong, @Amgelima.

I'm sorry for the experiences you've suffered, but surely you must comprehend that it's completely different? It was clumsily put - whether you are talking illness, addiction or complusion, the effect on the OP is similar. She is being made part of it.

I have studied eating disorders at length
There is a direct link between alcoholism and eating disorders.
The man drink while the woman eats.
Both of them trying to blott out what ever their issues are.
They actually enable each other.
But you can recover from this 'horrible' life controlling addiction.
Surprised no one is pushing the
Sil into some kind of therapy.
Don't treat the symptoms.
Clean up etc , use mints etc
This woman is living in hell.

FTR there have been lots of times when we've been left with no milk or just a trickle or just enough for one cup after SIL has visited. Usually we are stocked up with lots of UHT because the kids drink so much so even if SIL clears out all fresh milk I have back up. But she almost always clears out our fresh milk. Occasionally she replaces it if she is there during the day but the times I'm complaining about are the times we've been left with not enough in the morning. One time SIL did have to face the music and she blamed it on DH and said sorry - Your DH and I had hot chocolate and polished off all milk last night. He was gone for work by then and when I asked him he said not true only she had had coacoa. She has polished off other various things only for me to discover something empty at random times. Too many things to remember but most of it not critical just inconvenient. Of course the kids have never starved and I can make porridge with just water or whatever. It's just the inconvenience and hassle of having to go out for more milk and not being able to have the breakfast we planned. No morning coffee, no kids favourite breakfast, all of that.

Re eating disorders and alcoholism I have also read about the view that there are similarities and some have treated ED as addiction. Not sure what I think but I do agree that it's important not to just brush off the impact of the illness on the rest of the family and important to acknowledge the dysfunction it causes. I already feel it is causing me to be dysfunctional in the sense that I've been tip-toeing around SIL while picking up the pieces behind her without saying anything.

Jesus Christ, the cereal being eaten is a non-issue? It's the OP's cereal, in OP' house that OP bought for her kids' breakfast. Of course it's an issue, it's stealing for a start. I'm sure she doesn't begrudge her house guests a bowl of cereal in the morning but a whole box at 3am is an entirely different thing! She wouldn't come and sit down with you in the afternoon with a cuppa and whole box of your cereal would she? She does it at night because she knows it's not on. But yet she can't be that ashamed of her behaviour if she's making it so blatant, leaving vomit in the bath etc.

Yes I've also had an eating disorder for the majority of my life and I have studied and researched them obsessively. I have never stolen food for binges from other peoples' houses because that would be stealing. You can't walk out of Tesco with a trolley full of shopping because you have bulimia, can you? You buy it, sometimes from several different places so the checkout person won't judge you, then you eat it somewhere in secret and get rid of any trace e.g. wrappers, crumbs so it's as if it never happened, especially if it's not even your own house. I'd personally find it really difficult to do at all in someone else's home just for the fear of being discovered. (OF COURSE not everyone's experience is the same but I know it's not just me).

Yes it's a horrible illness and she needs help or she could become very ill or die, but she has to want the help for it to have any hope of working and until she does, it's pointless. And assuming she's an adult without mental impairment, she knows exactly what she's doing and that it's wrong (the stealing food) and what the consequences are for you and your children, and she still chooses to do it. Does she work? Is she short of the money to buy her own food? She could certainly use the loo rather than the shower and clean up after herself.

And it is very similar to alcohol or drug addiction in many way, such as pre-disposing factors, common triggers, effects on brain chemistry that make it rewarding and therefore addictive. A bulimic will be almost powerless to resist the urge to binge in response to whatever triggers them, but at some point in the past they weren't bulimic and they made a conscious decision to make themselves sick, just as an addict once made the decision to use drugs. Then there's the desperation for binge food and privacy (or drugs) and what the person is willing to do for it if it's not readily or easily available, and the ritual of it all, and then the feelings of shame and "no more" afterwards. Until the urge comes again. I'd say it's very similar indeed.

I may be wrong but I think eating disorders thrive on secrecy. You have to talk to SIL even if she isn’t ready to accept help because she needs to be aware how seriously her illness has become. I wouldn’t have her to stay until she is willing to start treatment. She can still see your DCs during the day whenever she wants. If confronting the ED causes a drama it doesn’t matter because it’s possible you may be saving a young woman’s life here.

@ DontFuckingSayIt - thank you for your post - yes thinking about what you said I think that SILs most recent visit to our house "because she is tired of her BFs housemates" might be because she just wanted a place to binge and purge. Maybe his housemates are on to her amd have complained and that's what she's "tired" of.

Your husband needs to talk to her. I would address it kindly but matter of factly. I don't think people should shy away from talking about mental health illnesses when we recognise the signs of someone being unwell.

I personally would have spoke to her as soon as I suspected she might have an ED, but I am glad to hear you/dh is going to talk to her now. She may well have been crying out for someone to notice and say something.

Whilst I can see the parallels between alcoholism and eating disorders, I’m not sure it’s a terribly helpful paradigm, as it may well encourage the hostility already seen here, as it creates an emphasis on the effects on others vs understanding of the illness itself.

I wouldn’t le her visit any more. Unless you’re prepared to address the issue directly and tell her to vomit only in the toilet. Otherwise she’s going to wreck your sink and shower and cause issues with your plumbing, which is designed for water not solids.