To want bulimic SIL to stop purging in my shower and binging on our food

[Amgelima]

I am convinced that my SIL has bulimia, but she clearly wants to keep it a secret. She emerges from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and fresh cuts (Russell's sign) on the back of her hands. When she sleeps at our house, She gets up in the middle of the night and eats loads of food (entire litre of milk, gone. New container of hot cocoa, gone. Box of cereal, gone. Package of grapes, gone.). We wake up to an empty carton of milk and struggle to find a new breakfast plan for the kids which is super frustrating. Food vanishes at night, but during the day she will only eat one meal. We off her her breakfast and she says, "I don't need it I am planning to eat lunch". She goes out at lunch time, and comes back. We offer her dinner and she says, "I don't need it I ate lunch". My husband has tried to speak to her about his concerns that she isn't eating meals during the day, but she wants none of it. She tells him she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I know that if I tried to address the bulimia with her it would start drama. My husband is trying to express concern and she will be much more open to him than to me.

All that to say, i am so tired of cleaning vomit residue out of the shower and sink after her visits. And of losing so much food when she comes for a last minute visit which prevents me from being able to stock up on milk (her most common binge). What would you do if this was you? I know I prob sound uncompassionate but I am really just tired of cleaning vomit out of the sink and shower and dealing with plugged up drains as I've got enough to deal with with three kids under the age of 4!!

Should I address the issue with SIL? Should I play stupid and say, "What is this strange brown film in the shower? Do you know?" Not having her visit us any more is not an option. I wish she would get better from her eating disorder, but since she is actively resisting my DH's efforts to address it, I wish she would at least be considerate of the impact she has on my family and myself when vomiting in our shower and sink and leaving no milk or cereal for the children. Any suggestions are appreciated as I'm finding it frustrating.

Ps - she is 35 years old, just to give more background.

"Not having her visit us any more is not an option"

Why not? And yes, I think you should address the issue with her.

Practically, I would keep a box of cereal and a carton of UHT milk tucked away in your bedroom. It's not the nicest but will be ok for the kids for one breakfast.
I don't think she is likely to address it until she accepts it herself. Sounds like she's doing all she can to convince you she's ok.
Do you not mention it casually 'oh I thought the milk was full lastnight/cereal was full' etc? What does she say to that?

I don't understand why she has to visit, but that aside, I would be direct. So what if there's "drama?" This is YOUR home. Tell her everything. You know she's eating all of your food, you know she's purging in your bathroom. Implore her to get help. Enough with the walking on egg shells in your own home.

The women is ill ffs. She's not doing too piss you off

Ask her to use the toilet if she vomits.This tells her that you know and at the very least may clean up after herself.
She needs help but it has to come from her.

No experience myself but I really don’t know it’s something you can just ‘get better from’.
Does she know you and your DH suspect bulimia? Has your DH actually spoken to her about it?
If not having her to stay is not an option then I think you do need to address it. Make it clear she’s an adult and can indeed make her own decisions but any sick needs to cleaned up quickly and hygienically. She could be putting you all at risk.
And she needs to know what needs to be left for the kids for breakfast. If she wants milk then at 35 she can bring her own.

That must be frustrating when you have dc to feed. Can your dp have a word? The vomit is unpleasant too. It sounds like she's not respecting you or your house. I get that it's an illness but it's affecting you all and not something you want dc to pick up on when they get a bit older.

Honestly, for her own benefit as much as your own, as uncomfortable as it is you need to be very straight with her. It will be hideous but you need to actually say 'You keep blocking our drains with vomit and gorging on food in the night. We're extremely concerned not just for our drains but for your wellbeing.' Bulimia can be fatal without the sufferer being underweight. A uni friend of mine had a heart attack due to it and died. She wasn't underweight and we didn't suspect anything other than knowing she binged food sometimes. Had no idea she made herself sick and we lived with her. If your SIL is doing this every time she visits she has a serious issue that endangers her. She needs help.

Poor woman. The milk will be too soothe the desperately painful burning sensation from stomach acid repeatedly burning her gullet, and the cripling acid reflux that comes with it. No wonder she's not sleeping at night.

Poor you too, that's no way to live in your own home.

Personally I think you need to go public, as in gently confront and support her openly when she has someone with her (a close friend, partner?) to advocate for her. Beyond that you won't be able to get her to stop, no matter how hard you put your foot down, because the simple fact of the matter is SHE can't make her stop.

I'd stage an intervention.

Wait until the kids are asleep, sit her down, turn off the tv, and tell her you know everything. Tell her you love her and will help her to get better.

You can't continue to ignore it for fear of a drama, she's ill.

Your SIL has an illness, but that does not mean you have to allow her to behave however she likes, unchallenged. It's not reasonable for her to binge on your food or to leave vomit in your sink and shower, whether she is ill or not. It's not even helpful for people to go along with it and not challenge it- how are ill people ever going to recover if everyone colludes with them in pretending that nothing is wrong?

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ might have some helpful information and advice for you, op.

I wouldnt have her overnight any more. Meet up with her in the day time but explain that you can't have her overnight anymore. Tell her you love her but cant have her eating all of the kids food and drinking all of their milk You have small children. Its important that they have food in the house. Your sister in law does not need to stay overnight.

Yes she has an eating disorder. And so? Doesn't mean she gets to eat all the OPs food and leave vomit in her shower.

Id suggest a clear conversation with her. She needs to not binge /purge in your home. She may not be able to help doing it but she does have some control over where she does it.

Actually, I shouldn't say "behave however she likes"- I'm sure she doesn't like being ill or doing what she does, so that's a crap description on my part.

Be very matter of fact about it.

Just tell her that if she wants to talk you will listen but that she needs to stop eating all of your food and she needs to properly clean the bathroom after herself.

Be clear that you aren't talking about any possible eating disorder, but will listen if she wants to talk, but that her actions are disrespectful and need to stop!

Having shared a student house with a young woman with bulimia that is how her parents told us to deal with it - focus on the behaviours that directly impact you, not the root cause. You can point at categorical evidence of her behaviour (food missing, vomit in sink) even if you cannot point to the root cause, so focus on those!

And DO NOT hide food, that just plays into her insecurities and warped idea about food.

I know you said stopping the visits altogether is not an option (why?), but does she have to stay overnight?

I think you have to talk to her. Take her to one side, tell her that if she must purge, she must in future use the toilet bowl, not the sink or shower. And that if she ever wants to talk, or needs help getting support for the problem, you'll be there for her.

You can't leave this unchallenged, both for her sake and that of your kids, who may pick up on more of her behaviour than you realise.

She won't like you challenging her. And she may well deny it. But you don't have to have her stay overnight, and I think you need to stop her doing so if she won't follow basic house rules like puking in the appropriate place.

Sometimes it takes the shock of someone else knowing to confront an issue. In my case, it was my best friend who, one morning at 3am, was waiting for me outside the bathroom with a glass of water and a hug. It obviously didn't fix the problem overnight. But it was the first step back towards normality.

I have suffered from bulimia all my life.
She wants you to know.. It could be a cry for help.
I know I did everything possible to cover it up.
No way I would have left obv clues... So direct but compassionate approach.
Tell her your worried about her and her health and you'll go with her to the gp.
If she denied it, which she might at first, explain gently about missing litres of milk and the drains but please have some sympathy.

**I'd stage an intervention.

Wait until the kids are asleep, sit her down, turn off the tv, and tell her you know everything. Tell her you love her and will help her to get better.

You can't continue to ignore it for fear of a drama, she's ill.**

^I would do exactly this

This is very sad, of course she does need help but first you must speak to her. Tell her you know she eats during the night and vomits in the shower. Apart from anything else it's not fair on you having to clean up and why does she vomit in the shower rather than the loo?

I'm sure you will be supportive but you also have to look after yourself and your home. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to stop letting her stay overnight - but still see her because you are obviously caring and she needs that.

Unicorn What exactly does that mean? Outside an American day time show, or Jeremy Kyle perhaps... what does "stage an intervention" actually mean in real life?

It sounds like a great way to totally fuck up someones mental health!

I agree with Unicorn. Talk to her with love. Tell her what you suspect. Tell her that you want to help her when she's ready. In the meantime, if she's feeling ill could she use the toilet?
Can you have a loaf of bread in the freezer to toast for the children's breakfast?
Keep talking with her in a friendly and supportive manner. Don't force her to seek help, encourage her.

That's so awful for all of you. Your SIL must be seriously ill to be doing something so disgusting, ugh.

I agree with PP's, you need to sit her down and gently ask her why she's eating all this food and purging in the shower/sink. Explain that it's unhygienic and it really can't continue in your home.

Clearly she needs help and you can offer to help her find it if she's willing to listen. Regardless, there can't be any more visits with this sort of behaviour.

to you all.

Not having her visit us any more is not an option

Why not? Put a lock on the kitchen door. Tell her she needs to clean her own vomit. Don't have her over.