To want bulimic SIL to stop purging in my shower and binging on our food

[Amgelima]

I am convinced that my SIL has bulimia, but she clearly wants to keep it a secret. She emerges from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and fresh cuts (Russell's sign) on the back of her hands. When she sleeps at our house, She gets up in the middle of the night and eats loads of food (entire litre of milk, gone. New container of hot cocoa, gone. Box of cereal, gone. Package of grapes, gone.). We wake up to an empty carton of milk and struggle to find a new breakfast plan for the kids which is super frustrating. Food vanishes at night, but during the day she will only eat one meal. We off her her breakfast and she says, "I don't need it I am planning to eat lunch". She goes out at lunch time, and comes back. We offer her dinner and she says, "I don't need it I ate lunch". My husband has tried to speak to her about his concerns that she isn't eating meals during the day, but she wants none of it. She tells him she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I know that if I tried to address the bulimia with her it would start drama. My husband is trying to express concern and she will be much more open to him than to me.

All that to say, i am so tired of cleaning vomit residue out of the shower and sink after her visits. And of losing so much food when she comes for a last minute visit which prevents me from being able to stock up on milk (her most common binge). What would you do if this was you? I know I prob sound uncompassionate but I am really just tired of cleaning vomit out of the sink and shower and dealing with plugged up drains as I've got enough to deal with with three kids under the age of 4!!

Should I address the issue with SIL? Should I play stupid and say, "What is this strange brown film in the shower? Do you know?" Not having her visit us any more is not an option. I wish she would get better from her eating disorder, but since she is actively resisting my DH's efforts to address it, I wish she would at least be considerate of the impact she has on my family and myself when vomiting in our shower and sink and leaving no milk or cereal for the children. Any suggestions are appreciated as I'm finding it frustrating.

She's obviously ill and needs help, but the result of her staying is that your children are going without food, because she's eaten it all.

The current situation isn't working. She isn't getting any less ill as a result of staying with you, and it's having an impact on nutrition and hygiene in your own family. You need to make a change- whether that's putting a stop to her overnight stays, or having a conversation with her. You can't change her behaviour, you can only change your response.

I'd address it head on- "when you vomit please do it in the toilet, I'm sick of cleaning it out of the sink and shower. And also, the milk and cereal is for the kids breakfast do please don't eat it. We're here if you want to get help".

Some posters are very harsh. I would do what Ginkypig or Plantersandpotters suggest.

Your husband needs to talk to her. It's his sister.

And he needs to be very matter of fact and clear, kind but clear: no more vomiting in the shower, and no more eating your children out of the house. She's leaving them with no food in the mornings. And you can't afford her binging and purging. If she really has to do it, she needs to go shopping for herself and bring her own food into the house, and only use the toilet for throwing up since it's incredibly rude to expect others to clean up vomit-filled drains.

If she wants to get help to stop this behaviour, he will help her get it to the best of his ability. But the rest of it needs to stop.

Poor, poor SIL.

Your DH needs to deal with this

Another chronic bulimic here - as you've gathered, this issue isn't going to go away.
Personally, being confronted face-to-face would have been mortifying - there is a huge amount of shame around bingeing and vomiting, even when the behaviour is frustratingly blatant. My parents ignored it for years - I took this as implicit permission to continue eating them out of house and home.The longer it went on, the more things escalated, the more shame I felt, whilst my behaviour became -conversely - more shameless. Bulimia thrives on secrecy.

There's no point going for the softly-softly 'do you have a problem with eating' approach - you know bloody well she does. I'd write her a letter, letting her know that she is always welcome in your home, but her behaviour is affecting others and you can no longer be complicit with her eating disorder.

• If she must vomit, she needs to ensure that the bathroom is clean afterwards. If she vomits in the shower/sink and causes a blockage, she is responsible for the cost of repair. Easing the consequences of her behaviour prevents her from taking responsibility for herself.

• household food is for everyone. If she binges, she is responsible for replacing the foods in time for them to be available to others. Having free reign over everyone's food without consequences is an uncomfortably powerful position. for a bulimic to be in.

Once you've made your boundaries clear, it's up to her - she may want to talk about it, she may not. She may go silent or not want to stay for some time. Her call. All you can do is set your own limits. Yes, it's an illness and no one 'chooses' to develop an eating disorder. But they can choose whether or not to work towards some kind of recovery.

I would just give her some cleaning supplies telling her that they are for the shower and sink and leave it at that.

I would talk to her nicely about it- "I've noticed the cereal and milk is going missing and I think I found vomit in the sink and shower, so I'm wondering if you're struggling with an eating disorder- I'm here if you'd like to talk".

We had the same issue with my SIL in the past. We tried to discuss it with her which was shut down immediately. Then we tried her parents- but I got told she was an ideal weight and I could take some lessons from her. I have no idea what is going on now 15 years later but her relationship with food is still disordered as far as we can see when we visit and she has passed weird habits and ideas onto her kids. She also has other MH issues. I feel bad that we didn't manage to help my SIL then or at least persist a bit more. I think you should at least try to talk to her as openly as you can.

The people being offended by the description "disgusting" are so odd. It's filthy to leave vomit about and it's a disgusting attitude to leave your family without food because you want it, poor kids! I wouldn't have her around the kids behaving like that.

I've been bulimic and intermittently anorexic for many years.

Jux Get fridge and cupboard locks which aren't just childproof? " children have such clever little fingers don't they? " tinkly little laugh head tilt.

This is such a nasty post. So bitchy and mean. I hate the MN 'tinkly little laugh head tilt' at the best of times, but this is really spectacularly horrible.

I agree with other posters that most bulimics don't give ourselves away so blatantly.

I rarely do it in anyone else's house, and if I do, it would never be with food whose loss would be obvious (i.e. finishing all of the milk).

I am also really obsessive about cleaning up afterwards, even in my own bathroom late at night.

Your poor SIL. It's an awful illness. I couldn't bear anyone confronting me face to face - I even find it mortifying to discuss with my husband.

If you decide to talk to her, please fgs do it in a kind and sympathetic way, and not in a million years in the horrible, passive-aggressive, crushing way suggested by @Jux above.

it's a disgusting attitude to leave your family without food because you want it, poor kids!
Surely you understand that an eating disorder doesn't work like that. Taking that attitude will be incredibly unhelpful. The cereal being eaten is a non issue. Just keep some food separately for the kids' breakfast. The issue is whether the eating disorder will impact on the kids and SiL's health.

I am surprised by how nasty some posts are. It's absolutely fine to want to protect your children and your home from the impact of Sil's disease but at least recognise it is a disease not something she's choosing to do. People literally die of eating disorders (Anorexia, for example, has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness).

People who have eating disorders go to great lengths to keep them a secret. She's eating/drinking food she KNOWS you're going to miss in the morning (conveniently when she's not there) and leaving obvious signs where she knows you'll find them (shower rather than toilet where all traces would be hidden). Sounds to me like she's crying out for help. Don't dance around the issue, sit her down and have a chat with her, ideally with your partner there too. Tell her you know, you're worried for her and will help in any way you can (one of you accompany her to GP etc.)

It's filthy to leave vomit about and it's a disgusting attitude to leave your family without food because you want it, poor kids!

She doesn’t want the food because she’s greedy. She’s seriously ill. She can’t stop without help.

Some really horrible posters on this thread.

"She can’t stop without help."

She can't stop without seeking or accepting help. Which she won't do, whilst she is being protected from the consequences of her behaviour.

The food being missing is NOT a non-issue - it's affecting the family. The mess is NOT a non-issue - it's affecting the family.
Yes, SIL health is a major issue, but the OP cannot control that - it is up to SIL to address, which there is no incentive to do whilst everyone is being complicit in covering up the behaviour.

She needs support and understanding, but support comes in many forms, including setting boundaries. Disgust is not helpful, but neither is viewing SIL as a passive victim.

Entirely understand your frustration and annoyance OP but she is ill and this is a pretty terrible disease. Yes, do confront her, in a clear and compassionate way - or get DH to do so - but also make sure there is help there for her. Overeaters Anonymous is very, very effective for eating disorders - look up a group meeting near you and maybe you (or your DH) could offer to go with her to her first meeting. Her GP may also be able to help and refer her to counselling. As others have said, she is likely to be totally shamed once she realises that you know but this could be the jolt she needs to realise that she has a problem. Help her get it sorted and she won't be eating you out of house and home or vomiting in the shower any more.

When do you expect her to stay next, op; is it always last minute/unplanned? The early morning departures too ... Who does she live with normally, or does she live alone? Just wondering if this is nightly for her, or does she come to your house to ‘act out’, iykwim?

As someone who’s living through the actual hell that is bulimia/anorexia, I find some of these posts absolutely awful. No wonder we feel such shame in opening up about our ed. Luckily I’m early stages in receiving help but my god I remember vomiting in a carrier bag and stuffing it and the bottom of the bin to hide the evidence. I hope you all realise just how deep this can go for some.

Op it seems you and your dh want to support you sil. I know how mortifying it is to be asked out right but it seems she really needs the support. Only you and dh know sil personally and know who should bring this up but I recommend it’s done whilst only sil and you/or dh is present.

It’s tricky because everyone’s ed can mean something different to them, I think it’s a goodbye idea that whoever discusses this with sil, let’s her know there’s nothing to be ashamed of and let her know you want to support her.

Just good, not goodbye 🙈

I'm very worried about some of the comments on here.

Talk to her. At a non stressed time. Don't tell her to clear up and hide it better -FFS.

Tell her exactly what the facts are. You know having lived with people with ED the signs and you love her and are VERY worried. Does she want help and support? Say the word and I'm there, we all love you. This is an illness, it's not you, it's an illness.

She's ill but she is an adult and not your responsibility.
She is your DH sibling and in-laws child. It's up to them to have words with her. Kindly but maybe it will be a wake up call (probably not). Don't get sucked in, you didn't cause it and can't control or cure it.
It's your house and it's fair enough to not have her over if she doesn't clean up after herself or replace food she's eaten.

As previously said, poor, poor SIL - and, yes, your DH should be addressing this with his sister

So I've just had a horrendous visit from my SIL and I'm dealing with the repercussions of her visit on our family. My SIL has a MH illness and the effect on our family was significant.

Put your family first. That is you, your DH and your DC. ILs are not your 'family'. Using up all the milk before breakfast is not acceptable. There are some ED helplines which I'd suggest you call for specific help on how to address this with your SIL and manage the DC around her condition. They will notice and it's 10x worse when you have a DC blurt out what everyone is thinking (that would be you DD1).

I have one DC with eating issues linked to his autism. For me, I'd tell your DH she isn't welcome until she is seeking help. One person in the home with an ED is enough for me.

Regarding why not having her stay over any more isn't an option, I guess I just thought that would be like cutting her off… Saying she can't stay wouldn't go over well with SIL and the rest of my in laws -- they can become dramatic about this type of thing and make me out to be some kind of control freak for not letting her stay

First of all, why are YOU made out to be the control freak? Where is your DH in this?

Second, it doesn't matter if it 'wouldn't go over well' or if your in laws got 'dramatic' about it. YOU can choose who stays in your house and who doesn't.