To want bulimic SIL to stop purging in my shower and binging on our food

[Amgelima]

I am convinced that my SIL has bulimia, but she clearly wants to keep it a secret. She emerges from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and fresh cuts (Russell's sign) on the back of her hands. When she sleeps at our house, She gets up in the middle of the night and eats loads of food (entire litre of milk, gone. New container of hot cocoa, gone. Box of cereal, gone. Package of grapes, gone.). We wake up to an empty carton of milk and struggle to find a new breakfast plan for the kids which is super frustrating. Food vanishes at night, but during the day she will only eat one meal. We off her her breakfast and she says, "I don't need it I am planning to eat lunch". She goes out at lunch time, and comes back. We offer her dinner and she says, "I don't need it I ate lunch". My husband has tried to speak to her about his concerns that she isn't eating meals during the day, but she wants none of it. She tells him she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I know that if I tried to address the bulimia with her it would start drama. My husband is trying to express concern and she will be much more open to him than to me.

All that to say, i am so tired of cleaning vomit residue out of the shower and sink after her visits. And of losing so much food when she comes for a last minute visit which prevents me from being able to stock up on milk (her most common binge). What would you do if this was you? I know I prob sound uncompassionate but I am really just tired of cleaning vomit out of the sink and shower and dealing with plugged up drains as I've got enough to deal with with three kids under the age of 4!!

Should I address the issue with SIL? Should I play stupid and say, "What is this strange brown film in the shower? Do you know?" Not having her visit us any more is not an option. I wish she would get better from her eating disorder, but since she is actively resisting my DH's efforts to address it, I wish she would at least be considerate of the impact she has on my family and myself when vomiting in our shower and sink and leaving no milk or cereal for the children. Any suggestions are appreciated as I'm finding it frustrating.

Good points re considering my children may be affected. I hadn't considered that since they are all very young but yes. I would rather have drama now than one of them suffer an ED later.

And about facing the music when I come down to no milk and no cereal -- it's usually been when she has left early in the morning before we make it down, come to think of it!! It happened this morning and she left super early to catch a train. Soooo frustrating to be left with no milk!!!

Complete lack of respect to eat your food and not replace it

I suspect she's vomiting in the shower/sink because she thinks the noise of running water will mask the sound of vomiting.

You can have the running water on whilst being sick in the toilet. It’s not difficult.

Agree with others than you or DH need to speak to her honestly about the practical impact of her illness on your household, and tell her how concerned you are for her.
Bulimia can be fatal. She is very ill and something needs to be said.

I never feel like I see the real her and it seems like she's resented me for marrying her brother,

That's weird in of itself. Her brother is perfectly entitled to have his own life and happiness.

I can see why it might be better for your DH to talk to her about this as she's so fragile - but he must say that it's not OK to use up all the breakfast foods and expect you to clean up vomit. That's profoundly disrespectful to you and your DCs and can't be tolerated.

I wouldn't make this into a massive issue especially in front of everyone but I would have a chat with her I'd do it just the two of us.

Sil, i am not judging and I know that I can't begin to understand but I know something's going on with eating and purging. I'm here if you want to talk about it and i/we will help you I/we can but I understand that you might not right now but I always will be.
The issue is though I love having you to stay but there's been times when there's no milk etc for the kids breakfast and you purging in the sink and the shower are causing problems with the drains.
I know that it's more complicated than saying stop but we need to put things in place especially for the drains. Wether that be a bucket in the shower or you using the toilet and could you maybe bring a pint of milk when you visit so we have a backup pint for the morning for the kids breakfast.

I understand your frustrations, and you sound as if you're pretty sensitive to her situation.

As someone who's been bulimic for over 20 years, and successfully hidden it from family members etc, I find it odd that she's leaving mess etc. in the shower. A huge part of bulimia is hiding and cleaning, so it could well be a cry for help.

To PP who have called it disgusting - seriously, have you no compassion? It's people who talk like that who make it so difficult for bulimics to admit that there's an issue, because people don't understand and just think they are disgusting, or even worse - "cheating" by throwing up as opposed to eating healthily and exercising sensibly (Yes I've had people say this to me.)

Anyway, not to derail, but OP it clearly does need to be addressed, but certainly with compassion and sensitivity, which it sounds like you have. Not helpful if your MIL has an ED as well.

Could it be worth trying to do it in stages - so for instance, rather than bringing up the ED or mentioning vomit or bulimia, just say to her next time you see her, "Hey SIL, you might not have realised, but last time you were here you finished the milk, and I couldn't give my kids breakfast. Would you mind making sure that you don't take the last of something, and/or replace it?" This will then plant a seed that you've noticed something, and hopefully will remove some of your initial frustration about being out of food etc.

If she takes this reasonably well, then you could mention something about the cleanliness of the bathroom?

Agree that you should talk to her about it.

I binged/purged and restricted the rest of the time for over a decade and I never once used other people's food. That does sound like she's looking for someone to say something.

Other signs can get missed when you're in a frenzy, but that's too big a flag.

Be gentle, be kind. I also think you should do it, not your husband. If she feels like people are talking about it it will make her feel terrible - he can, to a certain extent, simply pretend he doesn't know anything about it unless she wants to talk about it.

Also, don't expect anything to change overnight. It can take years and years to get to a point where recovery is even an option - eating disorders have a sort of Stockholm syndrome effect where recovering is scarier than what you are doing.

I don’t think people here are calling the illness itself disgusting; rather, the selfishness of not cleaning up afterwards

Sorry I missed some of the thread while writing my reply.

If you and her aren't massively close then it maybe should be dh who talks to her but one of will need to or nothing will change.

You have to put your own welfare and the well-being of your children first in this situation. Your SIL is taking food from your family to ‘feed’ her illness. Presumably it is you that does the shopping, has to replace the missing food and does the cleaning. Tell DH that you are not prepared to put up with this any more. If the in laws kick off, why are your needs less important than theirs?

No illness is a free pass to behave in a way that impacts on other people (taking the food meant for children's breakfast, for instance) and not be challenged because, boohoo, you're ill.
You can be kind and calm about it, just tell her that she is to stop helping herself to food and not replacing it, because that's the children's breakfast.

You can have the running water on whilst being sick in the toilet. It’s not difficult. Toilet might be separate to the bathroom, so no water to run.

OP, my best friend has suffered with an ED for years and it took a long time for her to admit that to herself and those around her. However, the fact that people were noticing did make her think about the fact she had a real issue and that it was getting more difficult to hide. Her parents kept up the pressure and she eventually admitted it and went to the doctors, which was the start of her journey towards recovery.

It's a difficult one to broach as she will like react defensively when confronted, particularly if you're not very close with her. However, she is leaving clear signs that will obviously be found, you are within your rights to ask about them.

I would just go for a simple but direct approach, sit her down after the kids are in bed and say something like - "We just wanted to check you are OK. We've noticed a lot of food going missing overnight and can't help but see the stains around the bath and sink. Do you have a problem with food?"

She will more than likely completely deny it and get angry, but the seed will have been planted and, at the very least, hopefully it will end the issues you're experiencing in your home as she will be aware that she's been caught out. This will probably result in her not staying over anymore, but it's not like you're forcing her out of the door, that's her choice.

I feel for you OP, it's a very difficult situation to be in.

I have had bulimia and I've also been a guest in relative's houses.. no way would I eat their food, I'd be too embarrassed for starters, I'd go out and buy my own.

I was never a vomity bulimic as I had other ways of purging, but I'd also be very mindful of leaving any trace or trail of my ED probably more out of shame but also out of consideration for my hosts but then again i'm a considerate guest which is a separate thing to bulimia.. some guests are considerate, some are not.

In your shoes I'd address it face on, just say something like 'you're welcome to eat what you want in our home but would you mind replacing it if you finish it. Oh and if you make a mess in the shower would you mind clearing it up?'

That way you're not saying to her face that you know she's bulimic (although she'lll undoubtedly know that you know) but you're addressing the areas of concern in a direct, assertive way.

That's my advice anyway as a former bulimic

Sorry but I wouldn't let her stay. If you and your DH are aware of it, the likelihood is that your DC are too or are going to. And she may have an ED but that's no excuse for not replacing food and leaving traces of vomit in your home.

I'd simply be honest and say that you need to think of your DC first and foremost. Sadly only she can help herself on this one.

My only concerns here would be the affect on my children if they notice and my SiL's health. Unless you're really struggling for money a cereal box or a clean up operation would be the least of my concerns. It's a bit callous to be worrying about a box of coco pops when you have a close family member who is seriously ill.

I would get advice from a professional or do some research on eating disorders. It may be you and your husband choose to stop or restrict her overnight visits but I would hope you'll be supportive of her - even if she isn't ready yet to seek help.

I'm surprised you've not thought of the damage to your DCs before. Unhealthy relationships with food can start very young, often when children observe the adults around them speaking or behaving about food in a negative way. Even just her refusal to sit down to a healthy family meal will be fucking up their perception of food.
I'd have to be really brutal I'm afraid, tell her you will always be available if she wants help, but you cannot allow her to normalise a dysfunctional relationship with food in your children's home.

Get fridge and cupboard locks which aren't just childproof? " children have such clever little fingers don't they? " finally little laugh near tilt.

Talk about a friend having had to clean vomit out of her sinks and shower recently (non-specifically though) and express surprise that there are people who don't vomit down the loo like most people?

Why does she have to visit overnight?

During recovery from years of anorexia, the guilt I felt over eating "too much" evolved into a cycle of binging and purging - almost daily - for a good couple of years.

During the binge you're in a trance-like state. The purge is a frantic race against time to get it out.

All usual standards and morals fall completely by the wayside, and the feeling of shame afterwards is absolutely rancid.

...It strikes me as odd that your SiL isn't bringing her own food or covering her tracks better. Could it be that she feels safe with you and wants to be asked about it?

Either way, talk to her gently and openly - try to come from a place of love and sympathy, rather than frustration and anger. Maybe start by mentioning that you previously house-shared with a girl who was in recovery, which has made you hyper-vigilant to the signs, and ask if she's bulimic. Only if she denies it bring up the missing liters of milk. Stress that you want to help her.

Locking the kitchen door/hiding food/stopping her from visiting will only make her feel dirtier and lower, and push her further into the dependency.

I've been ED free and weight restored for 4 happy years now

I was bulimic for 15 years and I find this revolting tbh. You should not be cleaning someone else's vomit out of your shower nor should you be funding the disorder. I'd even find it hard to settle in my house if someone was up in the night going through cupboards and fridge.

I think you can read the fact that your SIL is leaving evidence - clearly taking large amounts of food and leaving the shower with traces of vomit - either as:

a) a cry for help; or,

b) spiralling so far out of control that she needs help now.

I think either way you're within your rights to bring it up with her, for her own good and also for your own.

OK that was tinkly little laugh head tilt fwiw.

Your dh is prob best off just saying "please chunder down the bog not in the shower, and bring your own milk as we need ours for the kids in the morning". Perhaps not quite so forthright but don't pussyfoot around.

Have you tried telling her the milk is for the kids breakfast and not to drink it all? I wouldn't hide if from her but can you keep some cereal & milk elsewhere just in case. We have a small mini fridge that can be used in the car or in the home that we used to take with us on picnics for cold drinks etc. They aren't too expensive.

But I do also think you need to tell her you know she has been sick and you are concerned for her. And then show her where the cleaning cloths and disinfectant are. Eating disorder or not - she really does need to clean up after herself, it is extremely disrespectful of her to leave sick all over the bathroom.

And finally, tell her you are there for her if she wants to talk about it.

notangelinajolie's post is really good actually.

If you feel awkward about bringing it all up directly, I'd get a small separate bottle of milk and tell her that's for her, and ask her not to use the other bottle as it's for the kids' breakfast.

Also, I'd definitely ask her about being sick. Literally when you see the residue just "have you been sick SIL? It looks like there's sick in the bathtub?"

id tell her you know she is ill and that she really needs to speak to her doctor and you are happy to go with her or talk to her if she needs, but that if she is going to binge anyway, then she needs to buy her own food, and if shes going to vomit, can she please at least use the toilet because she is using food that you needed for other purposes and she has blocked your plumbing several times and enough is enough.

Im an (ex) bulimic by the way. This might be a wake up call that she needs