To want bulimic SIL to stop purging in my shower and binging on our food

[Amgelima]

I am convinced that my SIL has bulimia, but she clearly wants to keep it a secret. She emerges from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and fresh cuts (Russell's sign) on the back of her hands. When she sleeps at our house, She gets up in the middle of the night and eats loads of food (entire litre of milk, gone. New container of hot cocoa, gone. Box of cereal, gone. Package of grapes, gone.). We wake up to an empty carton of milk and struggle to find a new breakfast plan for the kids which is super frustrating. Food vanishes at night, but during the day she will only eat one meal. We off her her breakfast and she says, "I don't need it I am planning to eat lunch". She goes out at lunch time, and comes back. We offer her dinner and she says, "I don't need it I ate lunch". My husband has tried to speak to her about his concerns that she isn't eating meals during the day, but she wants none of it. She tells him she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I know that if I tried to address the bulimia with her it would start drama. My husband is trying to express concern and she will be much more open to him than to me.

All that to say, i am so tired of cleaning vomit residue out of the shower and sink after her visits. And of losing so much food when she comes for a last minute visit which prevents me from being able to stock up on milk (her most common binge). What would you do if this was you? I know I prob sound uncompassionate but I am really just tired of cleaning vomit out of the sink and shower and dealing with plugged up drains as I've got enough to deal with with three kids under the age of 4!!

Should I address the issue with SIL? Should I play stupid and say, "What is this strange brown film in the shower? Do you know?" Not having her visit us any more is not an option. I wish she would get better from her eating disorder, but since she is actively resisting my DH's efforts to address it, I wish she would at least be considerate of the impact she has on my family and myself when vomiting in our shower and sink and leaving no milk or cereal for the children. Any suggestions are appreciated as I'm finding it frustrating.

I’d confront this head on I’m afraid - she’s ill so be matter of fact.

‘SIL - I won’t pretend to understand how your illness works and can only imagine it must be terrible for you to deal with. However, it’s not acceptable to leave vomit residue all over my bathroom and to eat all of our breakfast foods leaving the rest of us without. Can you please either bring your own food when you visit or give us more notice so we can prepare?’

For full disclosure I have had problems with binging in the past and spent lots of time at friends’ houses and didn’t do this.

I suffer from similar eating disorders myself. My initial response was sympathy.
But even though she’s clearly very unwell and I feel sorry for her, she’s behaving horribly. Leaving a mess of vomit and eating all your childrens’ breakfast is a result of being ill and massively selfish, not just ill.

FFS, she doesn't need a fucking intervention. What a load of manufactured drama. She knows damn well what she's doing. You can't help her because she doesn't want help just now. So you either tell her no more visits or put a lock on the kitchen door when you go to bed at night. But stop being so wet or forcing your kids to put up with this by enabling it with loaves of bread in the freezer and food hidden in your home. You're all adults, behave like one!

And she’s making very irritating decisions which are perpetuating the cycle. Skipping meals is the absolute worst way to recover from any eating disorder, especially one which involves binging. Yes, i know she’s ill - like I say i have similar issues myself so please don’t come after me.

You have to address it with her. When you do however she may not be able to change behaviours. If you must have her overnight (why must you regularly host a 35yo overnight?? ) can you perhaps buy 2 brands of milk and label one CHILDREN in market and see if she can control herself enough to leave that one?
Or can she give you some notice as a condition of coming.
But you can’t pretend you don’t know.

Sorry if this has already been ansered but why is her not coming to stay not an option? This is not okay.

Oh please don't ask her "why" she does it. There isnt any nice, neat answer she can give and it's a really intrusive question best dealt with by a therapist. As a pp said deal with the behaviour that affects you and offer her support to get help if she wants it.

Just because she has an eating disorder doesn't mean she can’t be gently spoken to about it.

Tell her you know she is binge eating your food and milk, and she is blocking up the drains with her vomit that you are having to clear up. Suggest ways of getting help and ask if there is anything you can do to help her. Ultimately if she carries on and wont seek help, lock your kitchen door - yes it might come across as being rude but so is she for taking all your food and leaving your plumbing in that state.

I say all of this as someone with an eating disorder. I also think she wants you to know - I took my own food and plastic bags to hide any evidence.

I agree with Shitterbox, her illness is one thing, leaving you to deal with the aftermath and the fallout is not on.

Sit her down, tell her you know what's going on, and tell her to bring her own food and clear up after herself.

OR... - and you tell her this - she isn't welcome in your home.

You have to put your family first. Her illness is selfish, time for you to be a little selfish too, for the sake of the kids breakfast too.

You can't leave this like an elephant in the room! that's crazy! those poor kids!

If you don’t want to confront her or not let her visit, then just keep cleaning up her vomit, let her block the pipes, and eat all your food and the kids go without. Just KOKO. Why ask us random people what to do? Or stand up and make a change. She’s an adult so treat her like one “we know you eat all our food and throw up in the shower”. “So clean up your own vomit while you’re staying with us, and bring your own food to gorge on so my kids don’t go without in the mornings.” If shes shocked then too bad. Lay the ground rules or let her sulk and leave.

Motion camera aimed at the fridge would tell you where the milk is going. Once you have video evidence you can confront her with it and tell her it must stop in your house as must the vomit etc. Unless she's prepared to bring her own binge food and clean up meticulously. How does all this not wake the house up though?

Not having her visit us any more is not an option.

Taken at face value, yes it is, unless of course there's further info around this that you haven't given.

I have a feeling this is her cry for help. In the past I had an eating disorder and there's no way I would have used your food and milk or left evidence in the bathroom.

Vomiting in the sink or shower is vile. Especially someone else's. I don't care how ill they are

And why is her not staying not an option?

@Executiveappointments it’s obvious where the milk is going. It will soothe her throat from all the acid that comes up with vomiting. A motion camera is completely unnecessary.

Not having her visit us any more is not an option

it's ALWAYS an option as to who you allow to come through your door.

ALWAYS.

So what happens when you go get the cereal and the milk and there’s none? Is she always sleeping upstairs so doesn’t get to face the music?

I’d wake her up and demand she goes to the corner shop and replaces the missing food. Like previous poster says, don’t accuse her of anything just simply tell her it’s not acceptable that food meant for your children is consumed during the night. She needs to bring/but her own or go straight out at crack of dawn and buy you replacements.

Also matter of factly tell her to stop vomiting in the shower and using the toilet or you will send her the plumber’s bill for unclogging.

If you won’t say anything or not let her stay, the only other options are:

Let her eat all the breakfast food & clear up her vomit or get locks on the fridge and cupboards and blame the children.

Use the toilet. Not stop using the toilet

I'm afraid I would refuse to have her to stay. I wouldn't want my young children picking up on her disordered eating for one thing.

She needs help and in order to access that help, she needs to realise she doesn't have a safe haven where she can binge and purge without any consequences.

I feel desperately sorry for her. She is probably living in torment.

I suspect she's vomiting in the shower/sink because she thinks the noise of running water will mask the sound of vomiting.

I had bulimia but I made damn sure I cleaned up all signs of vomit!! It's horrible that she doesn't clean up properly after herself

Thanks so much, all of you. Honestly it really helps. At Uni I lived in a big house with 11 other girls and several were in recovery from EDs and shared openly about what it was like and ways to support their recovery, but I haven't been around people who are in denial and/or want to keep it hidden. I am more clued in to the signs than my husband - he def sees an eating problem worthy of concern but didn't recognise bulimia until I pointed it out.

Regarding why not having her stay over any more isn't an option, I guess I just thought that would be like cutting her off. She likes to come by and catch up with DH and see the children, and DH and I have wanted to be hospitable to family. Usually she only comes in fits and spurts - so sometimes 2-3 times per month, but then sometimes we don't see her for a couple of months. Saying she can't stay wouldn't go over well with SIL and the rest of my in laws -- they can become dramatic about this type of thing and make me out to be some kind of control freak for not letting her stay, so there is that too. I suspect MIL might also abuse laxatives - I have seen her eat more sweets/chocolates than humanly possible at special occasions like Christmas - so I think she is also in denial about eating problems. DH has grown up around MIL and her behaviours so him starting to kindly but concernedly point out to MIL and SIL that he is concerned when they skip meals is huge and I applaud him for it.

About confronting SIL ... as you all say she is ill and would prob stop if she could make herself stop. She prob hates bulimia and hates leaving us with no milk etc but still of course does it. I know there is a lot of emotional stuff that is tied in to an ED. I have let this go for several years now though and thinking about what you all say I am probably being unloving by doing and saying nothing. I will talk to DH and try to think about whether he or I should confront her about obvious things like milk or brown film and cereal bits in shower. FYI I do think she takes pains to hide it - it's just that because of my former housemates I put two and two together. I am afraid she will hate me for saying "I know you have bulimia" because she is prob ashamed about it and she has always had a hard time being real around me I never feel like I see the real her and it seems like she's resented me for marrying her brother, so I kinda think it wouldn't go down well if I was the one who brought it up to her. But maybe DH can do it. Just not sure how to go forward.

Thanks for the empathy re my frustrations with being around the aftermath of her illness. The vomit and missing food are frustrating. Not saying it's the most important thing but it does feel like not being respected even though I know it's more complicated than that.

Practically, I would keep a box of cereal and a carton of UHT milk tucked away in your bedroom. It's not the nicest but will be ok for the kids for one breakfast

Why should they have to do that? Yes, SIL is ill but that needs addressing rather than enabling her and sweeping everything under the carpet.