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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 25/09/2018 14:18

OP YADNBU. I am due in December, we’re not even planning to announce the birth until my partner’s son (12) has met his new sibling which will be as early as possible. I think it’s really important for him to feel part of our family and not as though he’s being replaced or pushed out. I also think it’s nicer if he’s one of the first to find out if it’s a boy or a girl.

Winchester89 · 25/09/2018 14:21

@Darkstar4855

I think the whole point is 'as early as possible'

Op has no idea what happened at the birth or since and is speculating that others have been to visit. She is guessing.

I have a stepson too - and he will more than likely be there to meet sibling same time as my daughter as we are a family, but that may not be straight away depending on how the birth goes.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 14:22

YABU, she's entitled to a rest after giving birth before accepting visitors. She's not just a vessel for giving birth to his sibling, she's a patient who's gone through a risky, exhausting and painful procedure and she her wishes come first I'm afraid.

Teenage boys are not little kids, he can wait. It will be a lesson in being respectful of new mums.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 14:27

When I had my DD I lost 3.5 pints of blood and had a 3rd degree tear. I was utterly drained and could barely sit up without passing out. But because I had some strange need to please people I said yes to my in laws coming to visit the hospital. Never again. They ignored me (after telling me how awful I looked) and spent an hour parading my baby around the ward, I was too fragile to say anything. It made me realise how little I was regarded once I'd 'done my job' and given birth to their next grandchild. It could have been a goat lying in the bed and they'd have barely noticed!

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 14:28

She's not just a vessel for giving birth to his sibling

Seems to some people she is just that.

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 14:29

This thread goes a long way in documenting how absolutely shite 'blended' families are for the older kids

it also goes to show how little empathy people have for women who have recently given birth, and stepmothers. Neither of which need to be treated with any compassion, apparently.

Thatstheendofmytether · 25/09/2018 14:30

Aw I feel sorry for your DS, especially because he is eager to meet the new baby and he is older so understand that him coming is being put off. Quite selfish really especially if they have had other visitors, I wpuld be seriously pissed off.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 14:30

It made me realise how little I was regarded once I'd 'done my job'

Again, as long as everyone else is happy then basically the new mum can put up and shut up. So sorry your in laws were complete arseholes.

Honeyroar · 25/09/2018 14:31

As I said in one of the first pages, it had only been a day! If it had been three days and the baby had had other visitors but not the half brother then I'd agree with op. However we don't know whether there have been any visitors at all within the first 24 hrs. Everyone is getting their knickers in a twist over something unknown. OP hasn't been on for ages to update anything. Hopefully it's all sorted now.

Runwayqueen · 25/09/2018 14:38

My daughter was made to wait 3 weeks to meet her fathers 1st son, and nearly 7 weeks to meet her newest brother despite only living 3 miles away and making sure she was available to see her dad and family

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 14:39

This thread is depressing

You are not more important than your dh kids. Sorry but your not

You are when you've just given birth. It's the one time at least a woman in a sacred experience where she calls the shots.

@funinthesun18 my DD is now 5 and I've never looked at my in laws the same way. I thought I was cared for and respected, I was very wrong. DH (who wasn't here when they visited he went home for a shower) gave them a good bollocking though and the only person who visited hospital when my DS was born was my DD and my best friend. In laws had to wait, it probably upset them but hey should behave better in postnatal wards (they were so loud and insensitive and obnoxious I personally apologised to the women in the ward afterwards).

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 14:40

Oops bold fail on my second para!

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 14:43

This thread goes a long way in documenting how absolutely shite 'blended' families are for the older kids

I agree

it also goes to show how little empathy people have for women who have recently given birth, and stepmothers. Neither of which need to be treated with anycompassion, apparently.

You don’t speak for all women that give birth flamingo and neither all SM. Thankfully

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 14:46

You are when you've just given birth. It's the one time at least a woman in a sacred experience where she calls the shots

You get to call your own shots over your own body. Has the son requested to see the SM? No. This whole issue is around the father and the son. Not the SM, yet some posters seem to have taken it very personally and warped it in to being about the SM. Weird.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 14:47

This thread goes a long way in documenting how absolutely shite 'blended' families are for the older kids

it also goes to show how little empathy people have for women who have recently given birth, and stepmothers. Neither of which need to be treated with any compassion, apparently.

Bingo.

Nobody has the right to demand to see a newborn baby as soon as it arrives home. It should be down to the mother to decide when she feels ready.

OP shouldn't be involving herself in this issue, it really doesn't concern her. If it had been a couple of weeks then fine, but we're talking a couple of days! The mother and baby may not even be home from hospital yet, she has no idea.

I would be fuming if my partner's ex kicked up a fuss about my stepchildren not visiting immediately after I'd given birth. It's 100% not her business.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 14:48

You get to call your own shots over your own body. Has the son requested to see the SM? No. This whole issue is around the father and the son. Not the SM, yet some posters seem to have taken it very personally and warped it in to being about the SM. Weird.

Because the OP specifically referred to the stepmother as being at fault in her follow-up posts!

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 14:49

Teenage boys are not little kids, he can wait. It will be a lesson in being respectful of new mums

Don’t you mean it will be a lesson in being respectful to his SM?

Also if he was a little kids would he be allowed? Why would that be any different?

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 14:50

Bidy the son never requested to see the SM.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 14:52

Also if he was a little kids would he be allowed? Why would that be any different?

It would be different because he wouldn't have the same capacity to understand if he were still a young child himself.

A teenage boy will be able to understand why he might need to wait a few days to meet his new sibling as his dad and stepmum will be knackered and need a little while to get the baby home and settle in.

I would be surprised if this issue has actually come from OP's son rather than her own judgement on what she feels is right.

SpottingTheZebras · 25/09/2018 14:52

For all you know the baby might be in NICU and not ready for visitors.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 14:53

You get to call your own shots over your own body. Has the son requested to see the SM? No.

As someone else said upthread, the SM is basically just a vessel to pop out a sibling isn’t she? Her thoughts and feelings and physical well-being after doing so don’t matter after she’s done her job.

Newborn babies bond with their mum first and foremost. So just because the baby is out of her body, it doesn’t mean the baby is not still very much a part of her.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 14:53

Inert and blue I agree. What a shame these women see their step kids as ‘other’ at a time when it could be an amazing bonding experience.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 14:54

Bidy the son never requested to see the SM.

Has the son requested anything at all? OP hasn't said he's upset with the situation, I get the impression that OP is feeling upset on his behalf.

Also, the SM is the mother of a newborn baby, so obviously seeing the baby will involve seeing it's mother at this early stage. Which means the mother needs to be ready to receive visitors.

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 15:11

john neither do you funnily enough!

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 15:16

You get to call your own shots over your own body. Has the son requested to see the SM? No. This whole issue is around the father and the son. Not the SM, yet some posters seem to have taken it very personally and warped it in to being about the SM. Weird

sorry but she's pushed the baby out, she's possibly trying to establish breastfeeding, if he wants to see the baby realistically she is going to have to be involved, and at the end of the day its her decision.