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Original poster

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
genivert · 25/09/2018 12:14

There are a lot of issues being mixed up in this but I 100% support any post-birth recovering females right to say who she is, or is not, comfortable being around in a vulnerable life-changing time of her life - I mean, the mum hasn't even got out of hospital and already the pressure must be immense if OP has shared any of this.

Half sibling, husband, neighbor, mother - doesn't matter. Visitors thinking their want to see a baby trumps the physical and mental needs of a new mum is absolutely ludicrous.

Thank god medical professionals and ward management agree! It's no wonder women sometimes struggle to establish breastfeeding and recovery and bond when these expectations are flying around.

Talk about kicking someone when they're already on the ground!

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 25/09/2018 12:14

@Prettysureitsnotok yes I am serious. My baby and I had nearly died, but thank you for your comment. I was extremely traumatised and frankly an absolute mess and I was not in a fit state to talk to or see people. We were both still receiving treatment and trying to establish breastfeeding (which his entire family, including DC found weird and disgusting).
I didn't voice that I didn't want his half siblings or other family there and as I said, they did come, but I can't help feeling the way I did. I'm pretty sure when you were/are at your most vulnerable you wouldn't want people you don't feel comfortable around there to gawp at you.
Children were not even allowed to visit unless they were biologically mine (which obviously they aren't) but I asked for them to be allowed to see their sibling as we were unexpectedly spending so long in a hospital, so it's not like I stopped them Hmm
There is no wonder there is a mental health crisis in this country if people believe you cannot look after yourself in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic incident like that. Of course you need to put yourself first.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 25/09/2018 12:19

@summergems I agree that the father should be communicating with the child, but the OP isn't in any position to control this and will tie herself in knots trying.

InertPotato · 25/09/2018 12:20

It’s not hard to see is it why so many teenagers check out of the NRP’s life when this appears to be the attitude displayed towards them

Yes. All the comments about random teenage boys lurking around post-partum women, causing them distress, are pretty disheartening.

PoesyCherish · 25/09/2018 12:30

OP YABVU. The mother absolutely has a right to privacy and recovery time before seeing her DSS. It is absolutely not the same as having your own DC. For starters with your own DC it won't have been the first time you've given birth / potentially not the first time you've had to try breastfeeding etc.

@MumofTwo I didn't realise the DSC are technically not allowed on the ward unless they're biologically yours. I just assumed that rule meant only biological siblings of the child are allowed.

Spanglyprincess1 · 25/09/2018 12:35

Honestly, im concerned by the comments on here.
I don't see how this isn't solved by message to dad by op, z is upset not seen baby yet, any reason? Then all solved with a quick message that xyz is ok ,picture of baby and once everyone is better then they are looking forward to meeting their brother. Set date. All done.
The tone of the op post is concerning tbh to me and doesn't seem to care if baby/mom is ok or if anything can be done to help their son transition into this new change.
A woman's right to see anyone post birth is that, their right. I wanted no one tbh other than my mom and that was only so she could reasurre me I wasn't doing everything wrong!. You do not loose the right to ask for peace just because your family, regardless of who that family member is demands you do.
People die in childbirth andbabies, so yes it's everyday but also isn't. It's life changing and asking for less than 48hrs isn't going to damage anyone esp if it's on a day that the op son didn't see his dad normally anyway.
In any case even if op is justifiably annoyed it's at the dad their ex not the step mom . You have no idea why or what's going on!

AmIAWeed · 25/09/2018 12:45

haha never been called a princess before.
Actually a real princess knows that she has a duty, gets up has hair and make up done to introduce the new prince or princess to the country...

This whole demanding privacy and your own time is a pretty new thing. To me a new baby is extending a family. Not creating your own little precious that no-one can go near. If there is no health issues there really is no reason to exclude excited family from meeting the newest edition.

This is a boys half brother/sister and is as important as the Dad meeting the child IMO

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 12:50

To me a new baby is extending a family. Not creating your own little precious that no-one can go near. If there is no health issues there really is no reason to exclude excited family from meeting the newest edition.

It's not about trying to keep people away from the new baby, but about a woman who has just been through childbirth, potentially in labour for days, no sleep through that time and still in pain.

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 12:53

This whole demanding privacy and your own time is a pretty new thing. To me a new baby is extending a family. Not creating your own little precious that no-one can go near. If there is no health issues there really is no reason to exclude excited family from meeting the newest edition

no, its not. as I mentioned previously in some cultures new mothers don't get out of bed for weeks, or go outside etc. Its not new at all.

Its not about excluding everyone, and whether they are excited or not its nobodys right but the parents to spend time with the new addition.

Nobody likes a pushy family member when they have just given birth.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 12:55

If there is no health issues there really is no reason to exclude excited family from meeting the newest edition

I don’t want loads of visitors when I have my baby. They will be excited sure but they’ll have to wait. Apart from our parents and the children, I don’t want anyone else here for about a week. So dp’s siblings and his niece/nephews will all have to wait I’m afraid.

Prettysureitsnotok · 25/09/2018 12:56

@MumOfTwoMasterOfNone well that's a shame, but completely irrelevant to my comment, was it before or after your traumatic birth that you decided that step children don't qualify as "close family"?

Magair · 25/09/2018 13:06

Our maternity unit only allows mothers own children in to visit, no half siblings.

Bluelady · 25/09/2018 13:10

There seem to be a lot of posters here who seem genuinely not to understand that this is the baby's half sibling, part of the same family.

Yes, childbirth has changed, when I had my first all mothers stayed in hospital for a week but we had visitors and held court in bed. Kicking a new, particularly first time, mum out after a few hours doesn't seem to do anyone any favours by the look of some posts here.

Winterbella · 25/09/2018 13:16

What an absolute joke, why are a fathers children not as important as a mothers other children! I assume you ex has your DS regularly, why would anyone consider him an outsider when it comes to a new baby this is shockingly sad

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 13:19

There seem to be a lot of posters here who seem genuinely not to understand that this is the baby's half sibling, part of the same family.

I don't think anyone is struggling to understand that. Nobody thinks that half-siblings are not part of the same family.

But the reality is that if the person giving birth isn't the older child's biological parent, then it's naturally a different dynamic, particularly for a first time mum who may be feeling overwhelmed, hormonal, emotional and completely exhausted. It is completely normal to want a bit of time to yourself for the first few days. It's a huge adjustment, and when you have the choice not to have other children around for that period, why wouldn't you take it?!

Plus, who's to say that OP's ex hasn't text his son with an update and photo of the baby? Just because they haven't met in person yet doesn't mean his son has been left out in the cold.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 13:24

Our maternity unit only allows mothers own children in to visit, no half siblings.

I’m surprised at this, but to play devil’s advocate, I suppose it’s just to draw the line somewhere and avoid a big influx of children being on the wards.

timeisnotaline · 25/09/2018 13:26

This whole demanding privacy and your own time is a pretty new thing. To me a new baby is extending a family. Not creating your own little precious that no-one can go near. If there is no health issues there really is no reason to exclude excited family from meeting the newest edition.

No it’s not new at all. And it’s not about the baby. The baby is doubtless very exciting and they can’t wait to introduce them. But Mum is struggling. I was totally shell shocked after number 1 and quite relieved when my parents said they had a sniffle and wouldn’t come to the hospital. I didn’t want to see anyone.

partypolitics1 · 25/09/2018 13:43

Children were not even allowed to visit unless they were biologically mine

Our hospital state siblings of the baby, all children allowed on ward in visiting hours though, siblings allowed whenever.

Don't think hospitals would actually state "biological children" given that some could be lesbian couples, adoptions etc.

Magair · 25/09/2018 13:49

Our wording is "mothers own children".

We generally interpret it fairly generously but I wouldn't allow in a half sibling that didn't live with the woman who had delivered.

AmIAWeed · 25/09/2018 13:50

You don't know if Mum is struggling, you're self projecting!
I was very fortunate and both my births were easy (certainly compared to what I was imagining) despite being induced.
Visitors for me we're not an issue - they didn't wear me out, they didn't judge the house for being a bit messy and those closest, most visitors did some dishes, ran the hoover round and bought food in the first weeks so perhaps the issue is those around you?! Curled up on the sofa with a Moses basket and cups of tea being bought to me was great. Being left on my own however was terrifying - knowing that come daylight someone would pop round meant a lot

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 13:51

You don't know if Mum is struggling, you're self projecting

even if she's not, she pushed out a baby 36 hours ago. she is entitled to some time by herself, with her baby.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 13:53

You don't know if Mum is struggling, you're self projecting!

It's probably fairly safe to assume she's had a couple of stressful and exhausting days and would like some time to herself.

InertPotato · 25/09/2018 14:05

This thread goes a long way in documenting how absolutely shite 'blended' families are for the older kids.

Bluelady · 25/09/2018 14:08

Some people manage it really well. Sadly, this doesn't appear to be one of them.

cabingirl · 25/09/2018 14:16

I was still in the delivery room when my two step-daughters (14 and 18) arrived to meet their baby sister! About an hour after she was born.

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