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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
Prettysureitsnotok · 25/09/2018 11:31

@MumOfTwoMasterOfNone "didn't want people there apart from very close family but DP wanted them to meet their new sibling so they did."

are you serious? what family is closer than your child's actual siblings, your husbands children?

ShalomJackie · 25/09/2018 11:31

It sounds rather like the OP is looking for ways to have a go at her ex's new wife rather than worrying about when her teenager can "meet" their half-sibling.

Has the teen called dad to say congratulations.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:31

In some places new mums are made to stay in bed for weeks after to recover

Christ! Chance would be a find thing Grin

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:33

Hang on flamingo while I get my violins out Grin

lolarose896 · 25/09/2018 11:34

How old is your son?
I was 9 when my half sister was born and my step mum had me come and visit her that very same day after I had finished school.
I always had a great relationship with her and was even closer to my step mum than I was to my dad.
It was a big change as they had been together since I was 2 so it was always just the 3 of us when I went to visit so it was a massive adjustment to have a new litrle person in the house and 9 year old me felt like I had lost my dad to his new daughter (silly I know but I still kind of feel like this 16 years later)

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:35

john it makes me sad that you feel new mums should just get up and carry on and put themselves last for the next 18 years of their life.

Violins or not, I pity you. I have a nice life because I know I can put myself/my child first when needs be. You need a balance.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 11:36

Surely all parents would prefer to have a couple of days to settle in with a new baby? Even biological parents would appreciate that time and space to just breathe and recover after potentially days in labour?!

I think people are being way too harsh on here. A sibling's 'right' to immediately meet a baby doesn't trump the new mother's wellbeing and needs!

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 11:37

In my opinion, someone who has just given birth, and the person who has been given birth to, are more important than anyone else right there in that moment.

Completely agree with you flamingo.

CrazyOldBagLady · 25/09/2018 11:39

I think this could be easily resolved by said teen calling/messaging dad to ask when it will be ok to come and meet the baby?

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:39

john it makes me sad that you feel new mums should just get up and carry on and put themselves last for the next 18 years of their life - where have I ever said drama lama?

Violins or not, I pity you. I have a nice life because I know I can put myself/my child first when needs be. You need a balance

And I pity your dds and husband for having to put up with princessflamingo and her demands..

Sad — sad face

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 11:40

The only reason this is even an issue is because it's a stepmother who's given birth! It's so, so unfair.

There is absolutely no way anyone on here would be supporting enforced visits on a brand new mother if she weren't a stepmother. Is she not allowed a couple of days to get herself together and feel a bit more human after giving birth??

I highly doubt a teenage boy is desperate to get round to meet a new baby, but if he is he's perfectly capable of arranging that with his dad.

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:45

haha never been called a princess before.

don't think anyone else has for asking for some privacy and time with their new baby for the first 36 hours after birth....

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:45

seriously if a new mum cant spend 36 hours alone after birth - it makes her a princess.

what happened to feminism! I thought mumsnet was rife with it!

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 11:47

what happened to feminism! I thought mumsnet was rife with it!

Ah yes, but not when it comes to stepmothers.

User123640872 · 25/09/2018 11:47

OP, are you the same one who posted the thread about her ex refusing to take her son out for treats as child support had increased and had problems with the pregnant news wife? Because if so I can understand your frustration tbh

SummerGems · 25/09/2018 11:47

And herein lies the issue. The onus should be on the DSS to communicate? Why? Regardless of the fact that he is a teenager he is still a child and the father is the adult.

It’s not hard to see is it why so many teenagers check out of the NRP’s life when this appears to be the attitude displayed towards them.

And no, if a woman posted here that she didn’t want her own children to meet her new baby she would be given short shrift on here.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 25/09/2018 11:48

I may have read this wrong, but it feels like the whole situation is weighted with the issues of the adults.

If teenage DS is desperate to meet his baby brother/sister - that is lovely (and not all that typical!) and he should be supported by both his parents. Maybe he can call/text to be clear that he'd like to visit and ask for a specific day/time?

If you are projecting your own worries about your son being edged out by new baby (no criticism of that, btw, I think it is a natural worry) then maybe try to hold back a while longer and let DS and his DF work it out?

36 hours isn't all that long if the teenager isn't living with them. I trust it will all get resolved quickly and with minimum drama.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 11:53

and if you marry someone with existing children then yes, you lose the right to decide that those children, your baby’s siblings, can’t meet the new baby if the father is on board with it

Actually if you are still in hospital, you (the patient) can kick everyone visiting out of the room if you don’t want them in there. So no, you don’t lose that right at all.

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:54

wouldn't you expect a teenager to speak to his parents himself though summer rather than through the other parent?

I know DSS speaks directly with his mum if he wants/needs something from her rather than asking DP to ask her. They do talk about school etc but DSS is old enough at 14 to do most of it himself, plus its easier!

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:54

what happened to feminism! I thought mumsnet was rife with it

Yes it is. And there is an amazing network of brilliant women fighting for very important issues.

However - I really don’t think insisting your step son cannot see his baby sibling because you feel like shit is a feminist issue. It’s a step parenting one.

You should go over to the feminist boards and see what it’s about. It really isn’t about stamping your foot.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:56

It’s not hard to see is it why so many teenagers check out of the NRP’s life when this appears to be the attitude displayed towards them

Absolutely

livefornaps · 25/09/2018 11:57

In the meantime, I imagine the OP has popped off to drop her son at the hospital Wink

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:59

john

women not being entitled to privacy whilst in recovery is a feminist issue.

it's not about stamping your foot, and no feet would need to be stamped if OP hadn't got a bee in her bonnet about it.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 12:11

women not being entitled to privacy whilst in recovery is a feminist issue.

I agree. I’m days away from giving birth.

When I get home from the hospital, if was to ask my parents to keep hold of my older children for a few more hours/another day whilst we settle in, nobody on here would bat a single eyelid about it. It would be seen as me recovering and getting sorted before the older children come home.

However, if I was to ask dp to get his ex to keep hold of sdd for the same reason, everyone on here would have a huge, epic, mahoosive hissy fit about it.

SummerGems · 25/09/2018 12:13

Yes but equally the father should be communicating with the child. The onus shouldn’t all be on the child to communicate with the father. As the ex it wouldn’t have occurred to me to get in touch with my eXH when his partner gave birth but equally I expected my ex to get in touch with our DS to tell him about the baby not that the onus should have been on my DS to contact his father, iyswim.

And it does depend here on multiple issues. When does the teenager normally stay there for instance and is that likely to be disrupted by the fact that a SM feels she has the right to as much privacy as she wants until she feels otherwise?

Fine to change access while she is in hospital but not once she is home as you can’t just ship off the kids until you’re ready to face them, and that equally applies if you’re a step parent.

The reality is that if you marry someone with existing children then having your first child isn’t going to be the same as if you have a first child together as a couple. And you know this before you get pregnant even if you don’t realise it at the point you get together.