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AIBU?

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
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Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:08

I agree combat and it’s completely avoidable.

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Prettysureitsnotok · 25/09/2018 11:10

I wasn't allowed around my half brother until he was a month old... and I was a teen at the time. This was only a decade ago :) Unfortunately OP some step mothers are like this - she has her own family now, and if your son's experience is anything like mine, he might end up feeling a bit redundant as his father's child. So be kind to him, let him know he'll always be your baby boy!

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:10

john we don't know that he hasn't had that though do we?

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SummerGems · 25/09/2018 11:11

The fact here though is this child has siblings. Those siblings have equal right to be a part of the family and meet the new baby. If the children lived there the mother wouldn’t be able to just send them away, indeed if this woman has further children she won’t just be able to send the current one away until she is ready to face them, life doesn’t work like that.

If you marry someone with children then part of that is the reality that for the father/your husband those children are of equal priority to your baby regardless of whether that is your first baby.

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:11

op says It's been over 36 hours and possibly more depending on how soon my DS was informed after birth

so DS has been "informed" that could very well have been a message not dissimilar to what you have just written, it could have also included a picture..

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happypoobum · 25/09/2018 11:12

This is very poorly explained but I think I get it...
Does the half sibling actually seem to be bothered about meeting the new baby or are you just looking for a fight?

I would say it is up to the father to make the arrangements. You don't know what is going on there, how well baby and mother are, a million other factors, and it was YESTERDAY!!

Chill.

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:13

If you marry someone with children then part of that is the reality that for the father/your husband those children are of equal priority to your baby regardless of whether that is your first baby

no those children are equal priority to your husband, realistically. Yes, they get treated the same and nobody gets excluded in an every day situation, but this isn't an every day situation and newborn babies and new mothers get priority over anyone else imo.

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Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:13

Flamingo I’m sure Op would have stated otherwise

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GeorgeTheHippo · 25/09/2018 11:14

I get this. You think that his dad should be making him feel part of the new family, so he doesn't feel as though he has been replaced. But sadly ime men are assholes and don't think of things like this.

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:17

john we know ds has been informed, op didn't say specifically what was said it could have been anything.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 25/09/2018 11:19

I had a very difficult birth and DS and I ended up very unwell and stayed in hospital for 2.5 weeks after birth.
DPs children did come to the hospital but I was just overwhelmed. Other people came as well but I didn't feel up to it and I really didn't want people there apart from very close family but DP wanted them to meet their new sibling so they did. This was about 4 or 5 days after giving birth though.
It is still very new, especially if she's a first time mum and understandably, your son might not be at the forefront of her mind right now.

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Annalogy · 25/09/2018 11:19

Half, not step.

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TownHall · 25/09/2018 11:20

Not read all the replies but I’m with you OP!

You would think the Dad would want his son to meet his new baby ASAP. Even if it was a quick meet up in the corridor of the hospital. ( assuming baby ok for that). I understand the Mum might not want him there but she wouldn’t even need to see him if she is that ill or against seeing him.

I’d suggest the son speaks to his Dad.

As it is it’s not been that long so maybe the Dad wants to arrange it but has been too busy/worried or whatever. I wouldn’t be too put out just yet.

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Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:20

no those children are equal priority to your husband, realistically. Yes, they get treated the same and nobody gets excluded in an every day situation, but this isn't an every day situation and newborn babies and new mothers get priority over anyone else imo

So who sets the bench mark for those ‘not every day situations’ - you? Every one is equal until you decide. That’s not very fair is it?

Gah these boards are so depressing, I honestly hope to god that myself and dh next split incase our girls are treated similar these situations.

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Rufus85 · 25/09/2018 11:21

You’re not being unreasonable, as a teenager he may be more likely to analyse why he hasn’t been asked to go etc, plus he’s old enough to understand he may have to pop in for fifteen minutes rather than stay, if she’s breastfeeding again he can just be asked to leave the room for a but. I really don’t get all this can’t see people for days etc unless you or baby is unwell etc but that’s another thread! I couldn’t wait to have visitors, but perhaps I’m in minority, but siblings or any age should be first on the list

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TownHall · 25/09/2018 11:21

DPs children did come to the hospital but I was just overwhelmed. Other people came as well but I didn't feel up to it and I really didn't want people there apart from very close family but DP wanted them to meet their new sibling so they did

Surely your husbands ’other’ children are as close as close family can be?

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:21

john I will keep repeating it, a new mum should call the shots. Tiny babies are hard work. the first few days after birth are ime bloody awful.

after say a week, everything will go back to normal and DSS will probably get to spend as much time as he wants with the baby, the novelty will wear off and everyone will carry on.

ops DS isn't being treated badly.

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PatriciaHolm · 25/09/2018 11:24

Is your son actually that bothered by waiting a day or so? Or is this actually you being a bit of a drama llama about your ex having a baby with someone else?

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Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:24

john we know ds has been informed, op didn't say specifically what was said it could have been anything

Yes I know. But I’m sure she would have said if he’d been in regular contact or been sent pictures.

Being informed implies one message saying baby was born.


OP if you come back it’s still early days, hopefully is dad will be in further contact.

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SummerGems · 25/09/2018 11:24

Yes it is an every day situation. People have babies all the time. Second, third and subsequent children. As a parent you wouldn’t just keep your other children out of the loop would you? Even if they hadn’t yet met the baby you wouldn’t not tell them what was going on?

The SM might not wish to do this as this is not her child but it is the father’s child and even if he’s not able to have the DS meet the baby he should be communicating with him.

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partypolitics1 · 25/09/2018 11:24

I'd be really hurt for my DS if I were in the same position OP. If they are home then it suggests there weren't any massive complications and it wouldn't be hard for the father to atleast call and explain if there are circumstances making it difficult.

I'd hope at the very least no one else visits before he does.

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WinnieFosterTether · 25/09/2018 11:25

You sound insensitive and demanding tbh. I doubt the new mother is considering how her actions appear to her DP's ex and posters on MN. She will rightly be focusing on her new baby. If you've already started point-scoring about how they treat the new baby compared to your DS then you're going to have years of frustration ahead.

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:27

Yes it is an every day situation. People have babies all the time. Second, third and subsequent children

presumably its not an everyday situation for the poor woman in question though. What a ridiculous statement to make. Lots of people do have babies yes, not everyone finds it easy and not everyone recovers quickly. In some places new mums are made to stay in bed for weeks after to recover. Imagine that, not being expected to entertain 24 hours after you have just been through the most pain youll probably ever experience.

I have already agreed his dad should be communicating with him. I haven't once said the DS shouldn't know whats going on, just that he and Op shouldn't expect a new mum to put them before her and her babies wellbeing.

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Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 11:28

john I will keep repeating it, a new mum should call the shots. Tiny babies are hard work. the first few days after birth are ime bloody awful

You can keep repeating it till your blue in the face flamingo doesn’t mean I have to agree with you Hmm

I’ve had three kids. Two very difficult births. But life goes on. You are not more important than your dh kids. Sorry but your not.

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flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 11:30

i'm not saying you have to agree with me. I equally don't have to agree with you!

In my opinion, someone who has just given birth, and the person who has been given birth to, are more important than anyone else right there in that moment.

Life does go on, whats wrong with having 36 hours to get used to your very different life.

You don't have to be a martyr, nothing wrong with taking some time out after a hard labour.

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